When is Text messaging cheating

[Notsure]

I begin to wonder after she wouldn't let me take her phone home and charge it for her. Then my curiosity lead me to look at her cell phone bill. There is a phone number that keeps coming up sometimes as many as 15-20 times in a day. Early in the morning 8 am later at night 10:30 and an occasional Sat.. After some research I found this is a person we don't associate with as a couple and she use to work with him. Cell phone records that I could find has this going on for a year. So I ask is this cheating or does anyone think that there could be more. Any advice?

[run2white]

What does your gut instict tell you? If there's something going on behind your back, I think you'd have seen other signs of it along with this.

If you're in a committed relationship and she's engaging with someone of the opposite sex in secret, then it's probably cheating your relationship on an emotional level at least.

On the other hand, maybe this is a friendship with firm boundaries in place and she's not being secretive at all, but just doesn't think you'd be interested or care.

Which do you think it is?

[Notsure]

We've been living together 10 years. This person is someone she worked with about 4 years ago who is married w/ kids. I'm sure there is a friendship there but we don't visit with them as a couple.

I do feel cheated on one level but not sure what my gut is telling me.
Seeing other signs, maybe? She is a sales person and has the freedom to come and go.

[vashti]

How did she react when you asked her about the phone bill?

[Notsure]

I haven't ask her yet I thought I would wait until the Holidays were over. I have even considered sending a copy of the phone bills anonymously to his wife with a PO Box for her response?

By the way I'm new to this forum and not sure how to properly thank to those who have responded. So I will thank you now & when I find out how I will again later.

[vashti]

How do you think she's respond if she found you having this sort of contact with another woman? Would she be inclined to think the worst, do you think? Would she be bothered by it?

Personally, I'd be bothered by this. This is an abnormal amount of contact for casual friends. In fact, this is an abnormal amount of contact for anyone over the age of 15. The fact that the number of calls diminish during the times when you and this man's wife are likely to be about is not encouraging, since it seems secretive. Of course, you knew that.

[Notsure]

Vashti,
So tell me how does one handle this? I liked the idea of contacting his wife to get her take on it. Any other suggestions?

[vashti]

I understand how that may be an appealing idea, but what are you trying to gain? I mean yes, his wife will know about it, and she will certainly put an end to it, but you'd still be stuck with a woman who is willing to engage in inappropriate behavior. It kind of looks like you are putting a band aid on a gaping wound.

[Notsure]

In response to you r earlier question, yes I think she would be bothered by it if I were doing the same thing and would accuse me of doing worst which she has already and there is nothing going with me and anyone else at all, this is one of the things that lead me to be suspicious

[BFTrick]

boy what a difficult issue to deal with. I dont think talking to the other guys wife is the best idea. I think you should talk to your own wife. It is just so difficult to approach. Dont tell her you looked at her records, but directly ask her if she has been spending too much time with someone, or talking to someone. good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

My two cents on handling this:

Do NOT confront her. Simply sit her down one evening (request the talk, just say there is something you'd like to discuss). Produce the phone bill, having highlighted all the calls. Ask for an explanation. Wait her out if you must. But that is all you say.

The calls are suspicious, so you need info straight from the source. This method will, I promise you, provide you more information than if you were to question her specifically. Good luck w/this btw, its a touchy thing.

[GrkScorp]

In response to you r earlier question, yes I think she would be bothered by it if I were doing the same thing and would accuse me of doing worst which she has already and there is nothing going with me and anyone else at all, this is one of the things that lead me to be suspicious

i've been reading through all the posts.. just finished watching this corny greek soap.. so i'm all pumped on creative ideas..

yeah.. so.. you obviously know this much.. she's talking to an other guy, and she doesn't want you to know about it.. why? well.. maybe you're insecure.. maybe you're not.. but.. maybe she thinks you are.. I don't know.. I personally wouldn't go through my partner's bills.. but that's just me..

anyway.. I like some of the ideas that've been comming out of the posters.. so i'd like to put them all together like Bill Gates and come up with my own unique idea i'm going to call something along the lines of Microsoft & Phone.. haven't though about it yet..

so.. what you DON'T want to do is comfront her about it.. you're just going to have her get defensive.. AND, when you comfront someone, you make that person think that you're acting on all information you know.. so her initial response will be some excuse.. she'll try to make you feel guilty for snooping around in her things.. she'll try to convince you that it's nothing.. blah blah..

so.. what you DO want to do is make her think that you're 10 steps ahead of her, that you know the whole story.. Like the Dali Lama once said "the man who spoke made a good impression; but it was the one who said nothing who made a great one".. what do I mean? well.. keep pretending you're oblivious to the fact.. don't even hint at it.. act like nothing is going on.. let her feed you more evidence.. as she does.. keep record of it.. ALL OF IT! gather together all the phone-bills from the previous year.. and have that number highlighted.. that's step 1.. keep them all in a box.. stashed away..

now.. step 2 is actively collecting evidence.. you have his number.. get a female friend with a moderately attractive voice to call him up one day and say "hello, yeah, someone called me from this number.. is that you Jim? really? that's funny, you sound just like him.." the point is for her to work her magic and get his name.. so make sure it's friend who can think quick.. now.. once you get his name.. switchboard.com him.. don't be cheap, pay the $50-$80 to do a backround check.. it's going to reveal his full name, and eventually his home address & number..

now what? go after him? NO.. go after HER! who? his wife! that's right.. but not in a spiteful way.. I'm sure you know who she is.. so just call her up on the house.. or just stop by to say hi, drop something off for the kids now that it's the holidays.. why?

news travels fast.. when you stop by.. she's going to tell her husband.. who's going to tell YOUR wife.. and your wife will start to wonder.. let her ponder on this for about a week.. then! give this guy's wife a house call, to see how they liked the presents.. he's going to get irritated and ask you why you're calling.. (if you don't socialize with them, don't be afraid to get sarcastically rude).. "oh common; you talk to my wife all the time, what's the big deal right?".. if he has something to say about it.. just ignore.. tell him "I was just calling to tell you, that I know everything that's been going on; happy holidays".. and then just hang up.. at that very moment.. tell your wife you got her her christmas present.. but she's going to have to find it.. (take a wild guess).. it's going to be a card.. with a picture of the two of you inside it.. in the bottom of the box where you've been keeping all the highlighted phonebills.. this is where you tell her where to look for it.. act happy with a nice big warm smile.. tell her which box it's in.. but don't stand in the same room.. as she's opening the box.. it's a good time to leave the house (go over a friend's house or something to watch football, whatever you normally do)..

drama? oh yes.. hollywood couldn't think up of this stuff if they tried.. she's going to open up the box.. and obviously see the numbers highlighted.. A YEAR's worth of them! and on the bottom.. a card.. with a picture of the two of you together.. you have just stuffed her with so much guilt that her nose is dripping.. but is she going to call you? NO! she's going to call the guy.. and ask to see what's going on.. too bad you beat her to it.. what's he going to tell her? "Your husband called.. blah blah.. he knows what's going on".. BAM! as if one guilt trip wasn't enough.. a second harder one just hit.. she's drowning right now..

if she calls.. don't pick up.. but most likely.. you're not going to be getting a call.. she's going to wait until you come back home.. during which time.. she's going to be thinking.. thinking about how much you really know.. about all this time you knew.. and you didn't tell her anything.. so that shows you can keep your cool even though you found something out.. so she'll have no idea to what extent you know.. (which means you could know everything)..

go back home.. look at her and say.. "wow, 10 years, and not even a call to say thank you".. "(name of other guy) said thank you when I dropped off some gifts for the kids the other day.. and we don't even know eachother..".. now.. one of 2 things can happen.. I don't know ur wife.. I swear! but there are only 2 ways this can play out once it's reached this point..

1. She's going to be defensive and deny stuff.. (this is the easier one!).. just say.. "Oh yeah.. I believe you.. I have good reason to believe everything you say right now.. did you honestly think I didn't know.. all this time.. waiting for you to stop.. and just pretend that it never happened.. but no! not only didn't you stop.. i'm here, telling you I know EVERYTHING; there's no point in lying! and you're still denying?".. take it from there.. you should get the truth out of her.. her gates are down.. all you have to do is ask.. "just tell me why? why? why him?"

2. She's going to pretend to confess everything as she tests to see what you really know (this is HARD for the ordinary guy, becaues men are idiots when it comes to picking up B.S.).. women can fake it buddy.. they could get an oscar in their sleep.. so don't fall for the water works.. the emotional blackmail, the guilt she's going to try and make you feel for accusing her of things she hasn't done.. IGNORE! use the same line as above and stick to it no matter what.. DON'T GIVE IN!.. why? because you have her feeling guilty.. the longer you hold.. (if she's lying).. the closer you'll be to her cracking and eventually breaking.. now.. if you're at it for a while.. (could be DAYS! not hours! women think long-term; don't be fooled, DAYS!).. and you still see that she hasn't budged (revealed, confessed, said sorry about anything NEW she did which you didn't mention).. it's probably safe to say that, that's the end of the treasure trail..

Hint: if she asks for your sources.. tell her it doesn't matter.. it makes no difference.. (asking for sources is an indication that she's still hiding something).. don't give her information to work with.. the less she knows about how or what you know.. the better it is for you.

Hint: she's going to try and call your bluff.. "what do you know?".. don't answer that directly.. "what do I know? I know more than what you've apologized for! how dare you! after ten years! for him! and instead of saying sorry; you're still denying, you're still playing games, you honestly think everyone else is clueless! what right do you have asking me questions right now? I should be asking you if you're even sorry about what you did!".. follow this up.. "what are you sorry about? say it.. I want to hear you say it.. I want to hear that you're really sorry.. for everything.. because i'm not only hurt because of what you did.. but because you think i'm an idiot who has no idea what's going on around him.." (it helps if you say this in the most enraged manner possible.. Imagine something horrible if it helps.. like having your parents put you in an arranged marriage with laura bush.. i'd be pretty pissed)

hope this helps..

[vashti]

Damn, Grk! If you try talking so much in a court room, the jurors will fall asleep.

[GrkScorp]

Damn, Grk! If you try talking so much in a court room, the jurors will fall asleep.

luckily.. I won't EVER have to talk in a courtroom.. i'll never even see the inside of one.. (well, an active one i'm a council for anyway)..

remember.. Taxation & Securities Regulation.. it's not adversarial.. the only people i'll be putting to sleep are the clients in the boardroom.. and that's only because of Taxation, not because of how much I talk.. ; P

[IndiReloaded]

GS, I have one word I suggest you learn, it will get you far & will help ppl respect & take you more seriously:

Concise.