My girlfriend stopped having sex

[vashti]

It appears that some people, even if they could make themselves twice as smart, would still be stupid.

[Gigabitch]

IMO, these two people getting married would be a mistake. She's borderline nutty and he's just a sleaze. I really doubt a ring on his finger is going to change the fact that he's using a lame excuse (no sex for a whole week!) to go out and start cheating.

Sure, he ought to man up and think of the child, but he's clearly not going to. I think he should continue along his destructive path and let her find someone with more integrity.

[IndiReloaded]

GS, you are merely a child giving a child's advice in this case. You write too much and say too little. You must have recently learned the quote about those lacking brilliance and have decided to compensate. Don't worry tho, keep shoveling the bullshit b/c there are lots of ppl like myself out there that LOVE to send it right back on sophists like yourself.

[anachronistic]

I thought Grk was kidding at first... I guess not.

[GrkScorp]

Scorp, I don't usually like your advice, but this one tops them all, so far.

Your utter disregard for the child involved in this situation is despicable.

then you obviously didn't READ my advice..

or rather, you did, but you're falling into the social pressure of forum politics that I could care less to bother with.. do you know why? because someone came here looking for sound advice on the situation.. some people offered it.. others offer "filler", others offered emotional mumbo-jumbo tops with the cherry of personal insults.. but in the end, we're not writing to look cute.. we're writing so the original poster can read, and pick the best course of action..

so while you're all busy trying to cover some forum political ground.. i've already set forth a more than sound logical consideration to the problem, so i'm quite content with what i've posted, and the regretfully inform the rest; quite unshaken by the targeted comments of some few members..

[GrkScorp]

GS, you are merely a child giving a child's advice in this case.

YAWN..

anyway.. it's usually those with deep insecurities that feel the need to attack others to re-establish relative dominance.. At first I thought vash was the only one, because hers were quite apparent and fit a very common profile.. but what's YOUR story?

[vashti]

She's another married "old woman" with a child raising experience who is no longer able to attract a man, and is therefore insecure because after all, if she doesn't have a man around telling her what to do, how would she know how to spend her time?

[GrkScorp]

Sure, he ought to man up and think of the child, but he's clearly not going to. I think he should continue along his destructive path and let her find someone with more integrity.

Umm.. she can find whoever she wants.. and he can find whoever he wants.. but there's still a child at hand.. a child that HE is more than responsible for bringing into this world..

So throwing names at him like "immature, idiot, dumb, etc" are great, but they shouldn't act to serve as some "excuse" that make him feel free from responsibility from this child..

Imagine you were this child.. you didn't have a say in being brought into this world.. so until you can support yourself and survive on your own, you need someone's support. It has long been understood that the biological parents of such a child are the ones responsible for providing such support.. not just because it is determined so legally, but because the legal principle has a deeper backbone in the moral and ethical determination.

Sure, you don't want to live in a fcuked up household, and it's not in the best interest in the child to live in such a household.. In fact, for anyone studying family law (psychologists have deemed it better that a child grow up in a "divorced" setting, as opposed to a "hostile married" setting, because it would be better for the child to have NO model on social interactions between the opposite sex, than to develop and learn a BAD model on social interactions between the opposite sex).. but ideally, a child is best suited to grow up in a positive married environment where he/she can have a GOOD model..

So first thing first.. you need to work things out with your GF.. but it's NOT by bending over at her whim.. simply because this will become a habit and a never-ending cycle in your married life.. so toughen up and put this issue in place the proper way.. Why? In an attempt to set things strait and fix things, so that a "happy marriage" situation can stand a chance..

If a "happy marriage" situation is just not a possibility after this.. then do what you will.. but DO understand that YOU (reguardless of what the law says there in Turkey, or what your wife thinks/does) are responsible for your child.. (next time, before your mind becomes intoxicated by the sweet aroma of the cheese, please, don't forget to look out for the mouse trap)

[xmoongirlx]

Well it doesn't sound like you love her very much, if your willing to cheat on her for not having sex, because after getting her pregnant you would not commit!

You could be smart and tell her it's ok with you, hold your urges, and she'll probably give up noticing your lack of interest, and decide to make love to you again.

Or you could be an ass and cheat on her, risk many things including hurting your son in the process.

I say just deal with it. It's not like you'll die without sex!!!

[vashti]

Grk - you are missing one key component, which is that the original poster says he LOVES this woman, and says the woman loves him, too. Why are you jumping to the conclusion they will have an unhappy marriage?

Frankly, they sound like a match to me.

Also, if this woman wises up and looks for a man with more integrity, the original poster would STILL be legally responsible for the child. Obviously Giga knows this too.

[GrkScorp]

She's another married "old woman" with a child raising experience who is no longer able to attract a man

Hmm.. i'm guessing unmarried and raising it alone; much like 18% of this country with single parents.. the toughest situation is infact being a single mother, even harder and more frustrating when your options for attracting an other partner into the household to help with he situation is non-existant..

Don't get me wrong, I do sympathize with the situation; but this isn't the time to let THOSE emotions manifest their way into your posts and advice in which this poster is asking for.. it's really over-pushing it and flirting with the fine line of relevence and the contra..

As for "old woman", there's nothing wrong with being old.. I mean; you're talking to ME out of all people.. I only go after older women.. and there are some women in their 40's (even late 40's), which I would easily be attracted to, did we not live in a culture where it's deemed taboo and mysteriously/curiously unacceptable to have such an age gap (on top of which, if the man is older it's ok, but if the woman is older, now it's strange)

And it's this cultural programming that is largely responsible for cutting out and limiting the options of women like yourselves.. Think about it.. Guy is in his 40+ and still single? Why? must be something wrong with him.. stable job issues etc.. But guy in his 30+ and still single? that's really the time where a guy sets out to get married (at least in NY).. but by setting this limiting belief, older women, with kids non-the-less, are "locked in"; having to pick between the "losers" of their age group, or having to look to much older men which are perhaps not as attractive, and have a complex relationship/family situation (other kids, alimony, child support, etc)

[GrkScorp]

Also, if this woman wises up and looks for a man with more integrity, the original poster would STILL be legally responsible for the child. Obviously Giga knows this too.

This is the law in the U.S.

But unfortunately, the laws are actually much different in Greece and Turkey..

In the U.S. for instance; if a woman gets pregnant, no matter what, the biological father has liability. If a MARRIED women gets pregnant, no matter what, the HUSBAND has liability, even if it's not his child!

In Greece (and i'd imagine in Turkey aswell), if a woman gets pregnant, but the biological father signs an abortion request and the woman refuses to sign it, the biological father is freed from liability. If a married woman gets pregnant, the biological father has liability for the child, even in the existance of an abortion request.

[vashti]

Indi also has a long-term and stable marriage, with no divorce history, and is financially independent. Neither one of us think you comprehend the enormity of responsibility that comes with bringing a child into the world.

EDIT: WTF, Grk? Where did he say he is from Turkey? Certainly in a place like Turkey where religious values are more the norm, the impotance of marrying the mother of your children is even more significant.

[Gigabitch]

Also, if this woman wises up and looks for a man with more integrity, the original poster would STILL be legally responsible for the child. Obviously Giga knows this too.

Unless he signed away his rights to the child, or if he had no contact for over a year, she could file for abandonment. I've seen this happen, more than once. Sick, sad world.

I feel sorry for this kid.

[GrkScorp]

Grk - you are missing one key component, which is that the original poster says he LOVES this woman, and says the woman loves him, too. Why are you jumping to the conclusion they will have an unhappy marriage?

If two people love eachother, they don't play games with eachother.. but before I even go off on that tangent.. let's disprove her love for him..

If SHE loves him.. I mean really loves him.. (reguardless what he does or doesn't do).. she would hold his needs in high reguard and be sensitive to them.. and if in fact one of his needs where sex, which he conveyed to complete online strangers so clearly that they were, then she would NEVER play such games if she really did love him.

When two people are in love; there is no "negotiation, manipulation".. this is what business entities do, what politicians do, where the two parties care about only their own interest and could care less about the other party.. in a loving relationship.. there is "compromise, mutual understanding, civil discussion".. All motives, goals, and information is made clear and is presented up-front.. there is no hidden agenda and hidden motive in a loving relationship.. So by displaying a rather clear "hidden motive" behind her resolution, she has also displayed that there is no LOVE, only SELF-INTEREST on her part.. (not because she's EVIL is some way, it could very well be her age, the child, her working situation, etc.. a ton of factors can come into play and create a sense of imminent FEAR that would cause her to react this way, looking out for her SELF-INTEREST)

But, instead of being hot-headed and reacting irrationally (leaving her and the child, etc).. they should make an effort to work things out.. what SHE has done, is actually the first step in her effort (expressing the problem).. what HE has to do is (address the problem, give motive to come up with solutions), then she will (present solutions), and they will both (accept/reject solutions, compromise, agree on a mutual solution).. the other extreme of being hot-headed is being a wussy.. (bend over to her will and accept her terms as is).. this will come back to haunt him all throughout his married life, no question about it.. so he has to but an end to this cycle before it even begins.. and the way to do that IS to offer extreme resistance to her tactics.. and make her think (oh sh*t, it's not working, now he's pissed, I fcuked up, he might actually leave.. I have to cut this BS out and just talk to him like normal people do).. once that happens.. they can find a mutual solution like people in LOVE do.. but until that happens.. she'll feel like she holds some POWER over him, and everytime she wants her way in the relationship after marriage, she'll invoke this use of this power she feels she has over him..