She wants to be with me, but went back to him... why?

[whynotsteve]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here to find answers after an intense 3 months of experiencing an emotional rollercoaster ride in this love triangle, but probably not to the extreme some of the members here have experienced.

And as the title suggests, she chose the other guy... for shallow reasons I might add, not because she truly loved him and wanted to be with him, but because she felt guilty, sympathy and obliged to, in order to make everyone including her friends and family happy, except herself.

Let me explain ... (this is long but I need clarity and help with this)

It all started when I met this girl about 3 months ago at a party who at the time had a boyfriend. Because I knew she had a boyfriend, I wasn't going to do anything so I had decided to back off. Within following weeks of keeping in contact, I learnt of her strong interest and attraction towards me. As much as she knew it was wrong to like someone whilst in a relationship, she couldn’t help but like me. This wasn’t done behind her boyfriends back, he knew about it since day one. She couldn’t hide it from him. That was what I respected about her!

I then suggested that she should go on a break with her boyfriend, because its not fair for her to be with someone while having feelings for someone else.
So she did. They went on a break and we continued to see each other. In that same week, we got a bit too close, as we hugged and kissed. She felt bad and knew it shouldn't have happened. She got home and told her boyfriend who she was on a break with, and he decided to break it off with her.

When he had decided to break things off, we continued to see each other, get to know one another, and at that point in time, we were happy and were comfortable to let this continue.

However, within those weeks of us being together, her boyfriend who became her ex, decided he wanted her back. He would come over her place crying, begging and pleading for a second chance every so often - putting so much pressure on her. He would pull this stunt every so often throughout the duration of us being together. This put her in tough situation to choose.

"Background about their relationship" –

They dated for 2 years, the first 6 months were great, but the relationship just died from then on. She no longer loves him, no longer feels for him like she use to, he no longer makes her happy. She sees him as immature, not ambitious, not affectionate, not polite to people, hot tempered which contributed to her losing her feelings for him. They knew each other since Highschool, he comes over her place a lot so her parents see him like a son, they also have the same group of friends. They are both 21, I'm a little older than that.

She's incredibly happy when she's with me but finds herself going back to reality when she comes home to face her parents, ex boyfriend, and friends. Her parents and friends would want her to go back with the ex boyfriend, and being Ethnic Asian background but born in western society, listening and following your parents is a big thing, so that they don't get disowned and frowned upon.

I told her to choose whatever makes you most happiest and to follow her heart and that was the one thing I was drumming into her since day once, without selfishly influencing her to choose me, unlike the ex boyfriend. And after changing her mind several times to not choose the other guy, she ended up choosing him.

She knows she's going back for the wrong reasons, she even said so. She confirmed that she's going back out of guilt, sympathy and to undo the past. She chose the easy route, whatever was most convenient for her because she wanted to please her parents and friends, not necessarily what she truly desired.

She's not a strong person, instead she's indecisive and emotionally fragile (phlegmatic type) and tends to lean on people's opinion, swaying back and forth.

She said that its going to take a while to get over me completely, and said that she has never experienced this much hurt before – the hurt of not being with me.

She feels like she owes him this much to give the relationship a second go because of what she’s done, and also because of the amount of effort he’s put forth in trying to repair the relationship despite what she’s done. She feels bad about that.

She told him how she truly feels about me and although it crushed him to hear it, he still wants to selfishly work things out with her and have a second chance.

She stated to me that although she would've wanted to give it a shot with me, she had decided not to because of 2 reasons - 1, she met me when she was single, and to go behind her boyfriends back to see me would make her feel guilty for the rest of her life. 2, she knows that her parents and friends wouldn't approve of us going out and that she know's that they'd want her to give the other guy a second chance. I know she wants to be with me but feels like she can't. She said one time 'I don't expect you to wait for me' insinuating that she wants me to wait for her.

I wrote her a really long email after she wrote me that letter declaring her decision to go back with him. And since then she had replied, stating how she can’t be in contact with me any more if she was to give this relationship a good chance at working. She said out of respect for the boyfriend, it would make things easier for him. She made it clear that she would want to keep in contact but doing so would make things difficult. So I’ve respected her wishes.

She mentioned that that things are finally working out and that she’s going to do whatever it takes to make it stay that way.

- Will their relationship work out? What's the likelihood of it working out? What do you see happening from all your experiences that you've witnessed who have gone through similar situations?

- Do people who go back into relationships because of guilt and sympathy ever work out? What’s been the general outcome of this?

And what are the chances of this becoming into genuine reasons, which is because she loved him?

- If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

- Will she ever get over me, knowing what I meant to her, and how happy she was with me, and that I was everything she had ever wanted in a guy? (She said that I was her ideal guy)

- It seems like she’s no longer hurt in losing me when chatting on MSN, I didn’t ask but it appears that way. Is that what she’s just trying to show me?

- In order to have her back, what strategies should I employ to do this or should I stay away and let things be for a while if I was to ever have a chance with her?

- Do people change and what’s the likelihood of this guy changing to make things better? Some have said that he’s going to change in the interim to keep her, but once the probation period is over, he’s going to go back to this normal ways.

- Will there relationship ever be as strong again?

- Could she ever be happy with this guy?

Also, a few things to consider which might impact your answers, which is that we are all ethnic Asians, her and her boyfriend are 21 and they've been in a 2 year relationship (not married)

What are your thoughts on this guys? If you can help out with addressing my questions in your answer that would be great, since its' what's been on my mind a lot.

Many thanks

[anachronistic]

Quite frankly, love triangles are bullshit. I'm not quite sure why you're still concerning yourself intimately with this girl after 3 months of garbage.

Get over it! Move on. No need to waste any more time on that. That's what I'd do.

[Gigabitch]

So she's giving him a second chance to make a good show of it- so what? It doesn't sound like he's got what it takes.

I say stand back and let him fail. Keep yourself busy for a while. She might come back. I'd say the chances of that are pretty good, actually.

[TheSphinx]

He would come over her place crying, begging and pleading for a second chance every so often - putting so much pressure on her. He would pull this stunt every so often throughout the duration of us being together.

I'm with Giga on this one. I can't think of a woman I know who will tolerate the above for any significant amount of time.

Move on with your life for the time being. She'll probably seek you out when the relationship collapses.

~Sphinx

[IndiReloaded]

They aren't married, they are at that 2-year 'make or break' point. They aren't going to make it, unless something weird like her family steps in & arranges a wedding or something.

So, if you are really into her, wait it out like S & G say. But also, like LW said, don't spend your time pining. Its possible that the girl of your dreams (not this one) is out there in front of you & you'll miss her. Good luck.

[whynotsteve]

Thanks, all your answers have been helpful, and it's been consistent with what my friends have said and advised.

However, you've been in the forums much longer than I have and read and see this stuff happening all the time... so from all your experiences that you've witnessed who have gone through similar situations, are you saying that it's never lasted?

Do people who go back into relationships because of guilt and sympathy ever work out? What’s been the general outcome of this?

And what are the chances of this becoming into genuine reasons, which is because she loved him?

If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

Thanks

[IndiReloaded]

Do people who go back into relationships because of guilt and sympathy ever work out? What’s been the general outcome of this?

And what are the chances of this becoming into genuine reasons, which is because she loved him?

If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

Thanks

Steve, this is such a complicated question. All I can really tell you is that: it depends.

I have more experience with married ppl, so what I can say there is that its a lot to do with the character of the person involved.

Some ppl can decide on a path & they stick to it. Once the decision is made they work on making it last.

So, in your case, its really gonna depend on her ideas about loyalty and how much she thinks she owes to someone who she's been with a couple years. Personally, I think they aren't married, they don't have kids, so if she thinks she would be happier with you she should be honest about that and break it off with him asap. She's just wasting time she could be spending with you.

Dunno how you want to tell her that tho. Really, this needs to be her choice. Breaking up with someone is a hard thing to do; I would watch carefully how she handles this with him. Its a good sign of her character whether she can do it with class.

Also, there is NO virtue in her continuing to stay with him if they make each other unhappy. Giga has this great analogy to 'putting oneself on the cross' (she says it better). It is, in fact, one of the worst things you can do to someone (prolong their pain). Her partner can't seem to wrap his brain around that & that's a shame. I hope she can, tho, for your sake. Good luck.

[whynotsteve]

Thanks for your input guys, it was all much appreciated. I've tried to be as unbias as much as I can in giving you knowledge of the situation at hand. And it appears some of you don't think this relationship will last? Has that been the general case with people going back for reasons for guilt and sympathy whilst not married to the person?

It's true that I still like her, but have decided to move on, however am hopeful that things will change. Call me stupid for thinking this way, but any person in my shoes would feel like this initially.

Giga and Sphinx have a strong opinion on this not working ... are you speaking from experience?

If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

Do people change and what’s the likelihood of this guy changing to make things better? Some have said that he’s going to change in the interim to keep her, but once the probation period is over, he’s going to go back to this normal ways. How accurate is this against most cases?

It's difficult to just simply let go like that. I really like this girl and she really likes me. Guilt can cause people to do things they don't wanna do, I've read this in other posts of similar people doing the same thing ...

I suppose I want to know whether people think this relationship is going to work - based on what they know and understand of the situation and experience in something similar. If not, why don't they think so ...

[bohemiandonut]

Giga and Sphinx are both very experienced posters, but your problem is actually not that complicated. You are trying to use reason to predict the future... but why? If you seriously sit back and think about this, you'll realize that the best thing for you to do here is the exact opposite of what her ex is doing. That is: Nothing. Give up. Move on. Apparently (and this is from experience) there is nothing more attractive to a woman than complete, absolute indifference. Sad huh? But come on, you don't want a girl so dumb you have to explain to her why you're better for her. Let her figure that out herself. Than YOU can decide whether YOU'RE still interested. See the win-win?

[whynotsteve]

I really see what you're saying bohemiandonut...

It's a very practical and smart approach in dealing with the situation. However, I simply can't help but analyse their relationship and determine whether it's gonna last or not. Why am I doing so? Guess because I like her a lot ... and am disappointed that we didn't have that opportunity to give eachother a real decent shot.

I've been in a few relationships in the past, and have been on many dates but I must say that the chemistry between me and this girl was simply amazing, something I've never experienced with anyone before. As corny as this sounds, the scenario between us appears to be similar to the story of the "notebook", where parents and external factors got in the way of us being together. I don't like to use the word "love" loosely but I know many in my situation could've easily called it that.

Not one time did I ever say to this girl "go for me, and choose me because I'm better" (although I know for sure that I'm more capable of making her much happier). I told her to follow her heart, and unfortuntely on this ocassion she followed her head. I even wrote her a short fictional story based on her so that she could see from the outside-in what's at stake and what's she going through, based on the analogies and ideas within the story. (I should publish it) I made her a CD where I've chosen a selection of songs that best describe how I feel about her. I've done a lot, and given up a lot of my time to help and support her through this difficult time, yet to no avail.

I guess timing was bad. But I still like her and will take all ya'll advice on board in terms of moving on without the contact.

Being an emotionally fragile person at 21, I'm not sure if she has the strength to call the relationship off when she wants to.

If she's not happy now, could he do anything to change that around?

What do I mean by that... well, they've been together for 2 yrs, of that 2 yrs, things were good in the first 6 months, and the rest of the time it just dwindled. She particularly doesnt like the fact that he is inpolite to people, unambitious, hot tempered, unaffectionate, over-protective, etc and wants that all to change for their relationship to work.... can someone change those qualities? (someone like him?)

however, one question that I've been seeking that someone hasn't replied to yet is... If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost? (for someone like her)

Based on what I've said does it appear that it's not gonna ever work between them, because of her lost feelings for this guy and motives in going back, and that she's just doing it to adhere to everyone's wishes, and that it'll only be a matter of time? What do you think Giga, Sphinx, Indi, bohemian?

[TheSphinx]

The guy you described seems like one who would be unattractive to most women, yet you also describe her as feeling she "owes" this guy a relationship.

Ultimately the decision is up to her.

In the meantime, take bohemian's advice. In addition to being a win-win, it's also a time saver.

~Sphinx

[IndiReloaded]

Keep in mind you are also only hearing HER side of things. You don't know much about this other fellow & you certainly don't know how she's been treating HIM.

Someone once told me that 'we know what we know, but when we don't know, we tend to fill in those gaps with fantasy so that what we want seems even more attractive than it might actually be'.

You don't know anything about what being in a relationship with this girl is like. She might be completely different that what you currently see. At minimum, you might consider she has a tendency to get caught between two guys & has a hard time choosing between them. That says something about her maturity & character (ouch).

Let her do her thing & you do yours. Make sure she knows how you feel, but then leave it at that. Best you can do at this point.

[whynotsteve]

I wish I was emotionally more stronger when it comes to things like these. I'm doing whatever I can to forget this girl, and to move on but man it is hard. She's on my mind pretty much every day. Not because I'm in love with her, but because I'm going through the feeling of lost, lost of opportunity when we had something so awesome together. The pain has manifested into physical pain around my hands and arms, feeling like a strain -- and the pain comes and go, and it's been like this for the last few weeks now.

I'm doing what I can guys but it's a constant struggle. I run 3km every second day and been going to the gym a lot. I see my friends everyday, and I find myself talking about her each and everytime I'm out with my mates to get their take on the situation ... don't know why. The situation still haunts me and the thought of them two being together really hurts me. So here I am writing you this message, and she's just messaged me on MSN to see how I'm doing ... I feel like letting it all out, but doing so will only show her my weaknesses so I got to remain calm and control my emotions. NC might be hard for me too as she may think that I've totally forgotten about her.

Here she was 2 weeks ago writing me an email stating that she won't be contacting me anymore, calling me anymore, texting me on MSN etc. and here she is already messaging me online to say hi. Is this because she hasn't moved on and still feels attached to me, despite her pathetic decision to go with the other guy?

I try to cheer myself by thinking that their relationship won't work and that she won't be fulfilled in that relationship. therefore speaking to people and hearing how they think their relationship won't work puts me in a better position - and in turn makes me feel better. I keep telling myself that life is always full of change and that there's no certainty or absolutes in life. Because she's 21 and doesn't like the guy in the first place, their relationship isnt going to work. No certainty that's how its gonna pan out, but telling myself that makes me heal my wounds to some degree.

[bohemiandonut]

I feel your pain man, I really do. It sounds like you're handling it okay - keep up the running and No Contact. It may be hard but continue to skip out of little "convos" and such. If a breaking point comes, if she freaks out completely, then you will be in a much more emotionally capable place to make a further decision about her. Then you can decide what you want. But until that point, not assuming it will ever come, just keep working on your pecs.

[Gigabitch]

I think you should make it clear that you're not interested in being "friends" with her. This will serve two purposes:

1) Let her know you're still interested in her romantically.

2) Cut her off from your support, leaving her alone with Loserboy.

It is important not only that you practice NC, but that she understand why you're doing it.