Is he cheating?

[bbunny16]

I have been with my fiance for 6 years now. A couple of weeks ago he had a girls phone number on his phone and I asked him who it was, he said it was his work friend. I asked him why he'd never told me about her, since he told me about his guy friends and he said he didn't know he needed to. He said she gave him her phone number because she was leaving the job where they both work and she gave it to everybody. The next day she sent him a text while he was on a date with me. She said hi, and what was he doing. I had the phone so I texted back just out with my fiance. A little while later she texted him saying well she NEEDS to talk to him about what they were talking about. I asked him what and at first he didn't want to say, then he said it was about her boyfriend. The next day he told me that she was telling him about how her bf hit her and stuff. He said he didn't want to be that good a friend to talk to her about that and that he never needed another girls number in his phone to being with, so that was the end of that. Or so I thought, a couple of days ago we were texting each other and he accidently sent me a text meant for someone else. He said "Yeah Yeah, well don't say I didn't offer " I asked what that meant and he said it was a friend from work and he was just offering to take her work hours cause he had to take the day off the day before. Then a few hours later I got another one by accident (we were texting still) it said "you should get back with him though, even if that means losing me. This time it was my fault though, so tell him you wont talk to me and don't say no". Now these messages were for diffrent people the first he said was a friend he said he was joking around with the second was the girl who texted him when we were together. I'm just so angry and confused nothing like this has happened in our relationship. If he is cheating then why doesn't he just leave?

[IndiReloaded]

"you should get back with him though, even if that means losing me. This time it was my fault though, so tell him you wont talk to me and don't say no"

This is pretty concerning.

Read up about emotional affairs (EAs). It sounds like that may be what he is doing, possibily w/o realizing it & the dangers it poses to your relationship.

Then you need to discuss the quote I highlighted w/him & ask him explicitly about the parts that concern you. What did he mean, exactly? I would suggest, after he explains, that you honestly tell him that you view this girl as a threat to the stability of your relationship & the reasons why. (This is why you need to first read up about EAs, so you can get your arguments lined up). You are within your rights at this point to insist he never interacts w/this girl outside of work & that he not make himself available as her emotional confidant. Try not to yell all this at him as it will only make you seem irrational.

If, after all this, he still insists on interacting w/this girl in this way, then you may have a cheater on your hands. You might be best advised to leave them to each other at this point, however, its still too early to make that call, IMO. Get more info first. Good luck.

[GrkScorp]

I can't believe you're getting on your guy's case over emotional-tampon issues..

Your bf is being her emotional-tampon.. (why? many reasons.. in order of most likely)

1. He's too much of a nice-guy and actually feels good about helping people with their emotional problems.. (makes him feel special)

2. He has poor technique and is stuck being her emotional-tampon even though he really wants to have sex with her

3. There's an issue that involves him and it directly benefits him to solve some issue

4. They've already had sex and is too wipped to not assume the role of emotional-tampon

(I know you've only focused on 2 & 4.. and I want you to think about that fact for a second.. what does that say about you? Are you the rational and composed gf who has enough trust after 6 years to not feel insecure about this issue? Or are you a George Bush that's going to push to send bombs over his way because you thought some Helium gas trucks were biological weapons?)

I want to tell you a short story.. Back in college, my favorite professor was Prof. Liveson.. we had a great relationship.. so great it actually motivated me to outpreform the rest of the class.. and the more I did, the better relationship we had (he realized I wasn't comming to his office to "suck-up" with a 99.5 average).. But one day someone suggested that students where cheating in the front desks.. so he came by and asked to see my test, calculator, and work.. Although he realized I wasn't cheating, and he even felt ashamed he doubted me (and said a genuine "sorry").. I felt insulted at his lack of trust and faith in my resolve, character, and our relationship.. After that day, he was just a professor; I never showed up to his office again.. Whatever we had, was over..

In all honestly, if there is enough trust and your faith in the other person is strong enough.. there's no need to behave this way.. it only shows him your lack of trust and faith in your relationship.. which says a lot after 6 years.. And the funny thing? The more trust/faith you show to him.. the more pressure he has to "preform" and justify it.. He will constantly think "wait, what am I doing, I have my fiance' who loves me, trusts me, and has all this faith in me, and it doesn't bother her for me to be out.. how horrible would it be of me to take all that, and throw it away?"

It's more effective to tell him.. "I just want you to know, that I found some texts on your phone, and I know it's not right to be going through your phone.. and when I saw them, they bothered me.. but.. I trust you.. I know the kind of person you really are.. and I realized I was just being irrational.. I just thought I should tell you though.." (he can't possibly take this the wrong way, you've covered all bases.. PLUS, you're painting a positive picture of him which he'll want to conform to)

It's less effective to say "Who is this girl? How come you haven't told me about her? Where were you before? Why did you write this to her? Why does she keep contacting you? Why? Who? What? Where? How? Tell me! I want you to stop talking to her, I want you to call me to tell me where you are.." (you only suggest what kind of life and bitter relationship awaits him after marriage; you're insulting his character & loyalty.. but more importantly, you're throwing away 6 years of trust because of a text message which contained none of the following "last night was amazing, I can't wait until you go down on me again, I want you inside me.. tonight, I bet your gf hasn't blown.. your mind.. that way, etc.."

I'm not telling you what to do.. you're a grown up & responsible woman.. i'm sure you can make the right choice on your own.. but just think about it..

[misombra]

...(in a nutshell) the OP should hold this guy up to her standards. instead of blowing up at him and asking all kinds of questions and being intrusive and paranoid, she should calmly tell him that she found these letters, but she trusts that it's nothing and that he'll do the right thing.

[Mathias]

I had the phone so I texted back just out with my fiance.

I would've broken up with you on the spot for this.

[bluesummer]

Well, honestly this is a red flag for me, having been in this exact same scenario time and again with my ex.

Guys that feel the need to 'rescue' other females all the time have more on their agenda than just being 'mr. nice guy' .....and sometimes even THEY don't know it. It's almost like they want to be appreciated and adored by someone....and unfortunately that person isn't you, so you really need to examine what that's all about. Don't just point the finger of blame, look at yourself too.

Oh, and stop reading his text messages and stuff, that's not appropriate at all. He's going to start feeling like he can't trust you, and your problems are just going to compound.