my best friend...

[brokenhearted08]

i have been in love with my best friend since i was 15, i am now 23.
she is my best friend, and i dont think we could be closer. i never said anything because she always had a love interst, because i was scared, and felt like i didn't have a chance. it was your typical "guy falls in love with his best friend"

she got married right after graduation. we had some problems towards the end or senior year, we stopped talking, and the last time we talked i told her how i felt. it didnt matter but atleast she knew, and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

noone knows her the way i do, not even today. i know every detail of her life and still love her, eventhough she has a dark past.

we didn't talk for 2yrs, then we started talking again, and it was as if nothing had happened, we went back to being the best of friends, except she now knew how i felt.

she wants to be happy, eventhough its hard, because she feels like her family and her huband will never understand the way she is and the things she has done and why. she loves her husband and family, and i really do hope that one day she wont have to worry about being open with them she has told me that noone loves her the way i do, and noone accepts her the way i do.

my biggest fear is that i will never stop loving her, and that my heart will always hurt. i am afraid everytime i think of how long i have thought about her, and loved her. what should i do? how much am i gonna be able to take before i can't stand this sadness inside of me any longer? whay do i love her? what is the purpose of me loving her if she will never be mine?[/B]

[IndiReloaded]

Hey BH, there are quite a few ppl here who can comment on your question. First tho, do you mind answering for context: Have you dated other girls? How many & for how long? Have you been in love w/anyone other than this lady?

[brokenhearted08]

hi, thanks for replying.
i had never been in love with anyone before her, i had crushes and liked girls but nothing like this.

i did have a g/f before this girl, and actually tried getting back with her when i knew nothing coud happen with the girl i loved, i mainly did it to keep my mind off the whole situation, i was probably wrong but, i was in high school, didnt know what to do.

the year after high school i didnt do anything but focus on school and work , i didn't want to know anything about relationships.

but after that i have really tried to show my interest for other girls, over the last year i have gotten close to someone, but i don't feel like it makes a difference. i don't feel any different.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay. Questions about her:

- does she have children
- does she love her husband
- what has she *told* you about your relationship

Questions for you:

- do you want HER (i.e. what would you do if she divorced for you)
- do you want to forget about her

In other words, what is it that you TRULY want to come from this? Your answers affect what course you take, think hard.

As for this:

but after that i have really tried to show my interest for other girls, over the last year i have gotten close to someone, but i don't feel like it makes a difference. i don't feel any different.

You can't expect the first person you have a relationship w/to replace your feelings for this other gal. Not only do you probably have unreasonable expectations of them simply *because* they aren't her, but its rare to find someone you 'click' with straight off. You need to date many women to figure out what you are looking for. In this process, you may discover the gal you are so stuck on isn't really all that you IMAGINE she is.

[brokenhearted08]

you speak alot of truth, and it makes alot of sence.'
as far as your questions.



- does she have children-no and she might not be able to
- does she love her husband- i think she does, she says she does.
- what has she *told* you about your relationship- well our friendship has been a really good thing for her, she says that if i had said something earlier maybe things would have been diff.

Questions for you:

- do you want HER (i.e. what would you do if she divorced for you)- i love her, i do want her. but im sure it will never be.
- do you want to forget about her- lately i feel like it has now become to much, i just can't voice it yet, u know? that i do need to forget about her.

i dont expect to fall in love again right away, its just that no matter what im doing she is always in my thoughts, even when im having a good time with my friends.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay BH here's my two cents based on your responses. Others may have better ideas but here's how I've distilled your problem:

First, sounds like she has put you in the category of 'missed opportunity'. Meaning, for her, your potential as a romantic relationship is PAST. That, or she enjoys your attention and is something of an attention whore. If you think this might be your case, look up GrkScorps recent post about LJBF relationships for a good description on how to handle this.

If either of these is the case, then you have no choice but to go 'no contact' with her to sort out and get your emotions under control. Your friendship, if it is a *real* one (and it may not be at your age), will withstand some time apart. Date lots of women during this recovery period (unless you fall in love w/someone else--then problem solved).

Failing that, there is the SLIGHT chance that she actually loves you more than her husband. If you think this might be the case, tho, then you MUST lay your cards on the table to this gal. Tell her clearly how you feel & see if she will consider a divorce (I wouldn't be advising this if there were children, FYI). If you do this, DON'T have an affair--wait until everything is settled first.
So, bare your soul & either get the girl or get closure.

Tho honestly, this last sounds like wishful thinking to me based on what you post. Nothing you have written indicates she cares about you more than as a friend. Certainly not enough to leave her husband for you.

So if you want your problem to go away, IMO your choices are either: soul baring or no contact. Tough choice. Good luck.

[Only-virgins]

Listen to indi, I feel so clueless in this area now. Though my judgment is that you should listen to indi. Now that is always solid advice.

[IndiReloaded]

Listen to indi, I feel so clueless in this area now. Though my judgment is that you should listen to indi. Now that is always solid advice.

OV, I was actually hoping you'd comment based on your longtime feelings for your lady. What do you think he should do, assuming he no longer wants to have these feelings for her?

How would you deal w/having to actually be *friends* w/the gal you love, OV? You wouldn't try to straddle this spiked fence would you?

[Only-virgins]

OV, I was actually hoping you'd comment based on your longtime feelings for your lady. What do you think he should do, assuming he no longer wants to have these feelings for her?

How would you deal w/having to actually be *friends* w/the gal you love, OV? You wouldn't try to straddle this spiked fence would you?

I wish I could help. I still can't get rid of the feelings for the girl I like. The thing is that he took one step further than I did already by admitting that "he no longer wants these feelings". I like the feelings I have, I just hate that I can't satisfy them and thus it hurts. If I was friends with the girl I love I would be hopping that spiked fence faster than anything...but the entire married thing.....yikes

I can't help him cause not only am I where he is but even far worse off. I don't know why women though are so impatient to wait for the right person. Why do they just on the first horse that comes riding in?

its just that no matter what im doing she is always in my thoughts, even when im having a good time with my friends.

I hate this, I suffer from this all the time. I fake happiness since 1999.

[Only-virgins]

Anyways, people floating on the same boat usually have a hard time helping each other when it is sinking. We need someone who was really in love with someone and needed to get over them...and than did.

[IndiReloaded]

Anyways, people floating on the same boat usually have a hard time helping each other when it is sinking. We need someone who was really in love with someone and needed to get over them...and than did.

Well, its really not so much 'getting over them' as just accepting what IS.

I don't subscribe to the school of 'only loving one person at a time'. I think you can have tender feelings for more than one person. But you learn to control the emotions rather than letting them control you.

Think of it this way: lets say you actually fall in love & have a wonderful relationship w/your love of your life. Then, one day, they are gone, dead from illness or accident or old age. This loss is something we all have to cope with at some point in our lives, its inevitable so long as we exist (and don't die first).

You could handle this, right? Because you have closure, you have a situation you know is over & there is nothing you can do about it. There would be pain, yes, but you know that life goes on.

Breaking up w/someone or moving on from an impossible relationship is a very similar process, tho not many will admit it. You need to separate yourself from that other person & allow yourself to grieve whatever it was they were feeding in you. In a way, you opt to 'kill' the relationship in your mind. Then, you start to move on & live again. Sometimes, tho, ppl get stuck in one of these stages & need a little 'kick' to help them get out. Hopefully, understanding the process can help you to move on more quickly.

[brokenhearted08]

hey guys, i just want to say thankd (OV and Indi)
your advice makes alot of sence, i think i just needed to hear it from someone. like i had sai, i never really talk about this,
i think theres only one other person ohter than me and her that know about my feelins. this crazyness has been goin on for too long.
again i thank you, and now i really need to think all of this,
let all of this sink in, and grave the courage to do it, and gather my thoughts on what i really want.