your experience torn between ex and current girl/boyfriend

[jjhung]

My boyfriend hooked up with his ex two months ago and we are now into the third week of our one month cooling off period. He asked me beginning of this week if he breaks all contacts with her will I be willing to forget all that happened in the last few weeks. Today is Sat. and she went to his place last night and stayed. She's been there at least the first weekend we were apart. But he told me he is so conflicted since he has such a good time when he sees me but also when he sees her.

Just want to know if anyone else has similar experience where you have an ex and current g/bf you have to choose from. I want the view from your perspective since all I see here are mostly the dumpee postings.

I think today I am going to pull the plug. It is just too painful.

[sfalexi]

I think today I am going to pull the plug. It is just too painful.

Yeah. Call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

[Rach]

Let him go! It's so much easier, and don't let him think he can jsut string you along for months while he tries to decide who he really does like more. Tell him he can have his ex casue your better then that, and go find yourself a guy taht will treat you a lot better. And trust me I do know what your going through...I'm speaking from experience here. Good luck with whatever you choose to do though!

[sfalexi]

and don't let him think he can jsut string you along for months while he tries to decide who he really does like more.

And if he DOES try to do this, you bet that he'll be fooling around and probably sleeping with her while he "tries SOOOOO hard to make a decision." And at least will try to fool around/sleep with you until he realizes that he ain't gonna get any from your end (unless you are stupid enough to give in and give him some too. I'm not saying you are, but there are CERTAINLY girls out there who are.)

[jjhung]

I had a 3 hour phone conversation with him last night. Rach, I agree with your quote 1000% that everything happens for a reason.

Friday evening he called me but I didn't answer. He left a message that he will call Sat afternoon or evening. But Sat morning I decided to call him to tell him I can't take this anymore and need to just end it, even though I knew she was there with him. As I expected he didn't pick up my call.

Well, it was one of the longest afternoons and I went out to dinner with my friends and by the time I got home he still didn't call me. So I called him. But instead of coming right out that I want to end the relationship, I asked him why he didn't call me. He said he was just going to call. So I told him I tried calling him in the morning to tell him I want an end to all this. He said he knew that was me but he couldn't answer the phone because ironically he ex was also telling him that she can't take this anymore and she wanted to break up. Had he picked up my phone, I'd be the one gone. Well, I'm back in now, but I'm not jumping for joy yet.

You see, the story is we had an open relationship but I wasn't seeing anyone else when I suggested it and I didn't see anyone else all along after either. Call it women's instinct or intuition I felt that it would be a test to see if I can commit to him since for some reason I had still some doubts about him and his ex since they were still "friends" when we first meet. Four months went by and we were happy. Then two months ago his ex kept calling wanting to get back and he got an assignment near her house so they went to dinner and more dinner led to them getting back together. I noticed that our relationship seem to have less passion, as expected since he was getting it somewhere else, I asked him and he said he was probably taking me for granted that I'd be there every weekend. So I got upset and told him I want a one month break. The first weekend we were apart I missed him so I went to see him only to find her car there. Anyway, what I think I am mad about is that I meant taking one month off each other to just think about what we each want and so we can miss each other, not one month off so he can spend all those weekends with her to get closer to each other.

Since I started making a fuss that he has to come to some conclusion by the end of the cooling period, he said he was conflicted because he said he had such a good time when he saw me and yet he also had a good time when he saw her. So the last one that he saw become the favored at the time. I said had I not found out about her staying over the first weekend and so he can keep seeing her for the next month and not me, I think you'd want to get back with her by the end of the cooling off period. He said that could very well be possible.

So my dilemma is what to do with this reconciliation. There are things that we definitely need to talk about openly and deal with. I know my issue was fear of commitment, that's why I wanted an open relationship to begin with. To me, his issues are why after 4 months finally let his ex- back in, is that right to take advantage of that 1 month break to spend time with her without telling me, and can I really trust him anymore. Actually he is going to take one month off of both me and her to do some thinking by himself. Any suggestion how to handle this now?

[squirrley]

stay away from him. He wanted his cake and eat it too.
I wouldnt want to be with someone who had to take time to figure things out, been there, done that, and I'll be damned if I would be placed on the back burner to decided if its ME he wants.

Honestly-no matter how hard you try to make excuses for him and the situation, hes not gonna decide. If you really feel that you could have a trust worthy relationship with him, a healthy one, fine wait it out, but what does it say to you, when he has to have time to think about it. Hes saying "hmmm let me see who makes me happier." **** THAT!!!

When youre put in that situation which you are now, how do you think youre going to be over the next month? Your mental status? DO you think you'll be able to EVERYDAY NOT think about it, wonder, worry, the what ifs? You WILL put yourself through HELL!!!!

This hasnt been that long of a relationship, not a whole lot invested into it seeing that you placed the bar of an open-relationship, you opened the door for this to happen-granted you had your own issues, but I would get out. You'll ONLY make your life crazy until he decides, is that what you want for yourself?

Ive just recently went through that BS, and let me tell you its a nightmare, your emotions will be all over the place.

Girl-these kind of men are useless. They dont have the balls to stand up for themselves...

Goodluck...really-this is tuff....

[sfalexi]

stay away from him. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Just reiterrating it for Squirrely here. Just to MAKE SURE you hear it.

He said he knew that was me but he couldn't answer the phone because ironically he ex was also telling him that she can't take this anymore and she wanted to break up. Had he picked up my phone, I'd be the one gone. Well, I'm back in now, but I'm not jumping for joy yet.

That's stupid. You have no way of telling if it's truly over between him and her. He's had her behind your back before, and could very well just be SAYING that you're the one so he can have her behind your back again. I don't even know WHY you would decide to get back in it.

You see, the story is we had an open relationship but I wasn't seeing anyone else when I suggested it and I didn't see anyone else all along after either. Call it women's instinct or intuition I felt that it would be a test to see if I can commit to him since for some reason I had still some doubts about him and his ex since they were still "friends" when we first meet.

Then that's YOUR mistake. Once you realize that you DON'T want him seeing someone on the side, you have to tell him and say you want to be exclusive. You never said that so now he can use that as an excuse for his behavior.

said had I not found out about her staying over the first weekend and so he can keep seeing her for the next month and not me, I think you'd want to get back with her by the end of the cooling off period. He said that could very well be possible.

So what makes you think that he's going to favor you now? He even told you in his own words that he's a "love the one you're with" kind of guy. So what happens when you're NOT the one he's with and his ex stops by his house just to say "Hi" one day? And when leaves the next morning?

Actually he is going to take one month off of both me and her to do some thinking by himself.

Sure . . . . I believe that one . . .

Any suggestion how to handle this now?

Yes. I'd call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

[IceQueen]

Go ahead and pull the plug, girl. You can't trust him. You are not losing anything.

[squirrley]

but gaining your own self respect!! Thats a hell of a lot more important!!!

[bluesummer]

Ok, I have been the dump-er in this case. Dumped my ex for some guy, even though I was still really in love with the ex. Broke my ex's heart, then 3 months later turned around and told the other guy I was going to try and get my ex back. So horrible! I went back to my ex, for 4 more years, but essentially that one incident ruined the whole relationship with both people. Essentially, you will end up resenting this person over time for treating you this way, and you will never let it go. Its a hard thing to just 'forget' about. Best to walk away now.

[jjhung]

I emailed him this morning to find out if he is sorting thru this to still pick between the two of us or just to see what he will want from our relationship going forward.

He finally reply to tell me that his ex said she's been casually dating two other guys and one of them might have potential. He said he hasn't had such strong feeling for her since 3 years ago and is sad that she has to break up with him again for the second time. He said I would be happy to know he put her pix in the drawer today.

Now I feel like a backup, or am I just the bitter winner because this ex just chose to exit. This is not going to be easy to mend the relationship. We will have to talk about this for quite some time to make sure we have trust in our relationship.

[bluesummer]

Originally posted by jjhung

Now I feel like a backup, or am I just the bitter winner because this ex just chose to exit.

Exactly. Do you WANT to be his second choice?

[tooxshort]

Let it burn, my friend ...

[jjhung]

I don't want to be the second choice. But is it so easy to let go? How would he treat me from now on?

[squirrley]

you ARE the second choice.