*sigh* dumped

[buzwiz]

Read just the purple for the basic of this post. I have been going out with this guy for 2 1/2 months, i met him about 2 weeks before we got together and we chatted on msn ALL the time for about a month prior to this.

2 1/2 weeks into our relationship and he got kicked out of college and since then things went really down hill, for the first few week we talked on msn/xfire all the time, saw each other as often as we could, despite us both having other priorities etc (i.e. work, college, family etc) the once he got kick out of college I didn’t see him for a month (he couldn’t get to me as he no longer had his bus pass and I couldn’t get to him due to other commitments…I did try on numerous occasions but he always found a problem with it) so we ended up falling out via msn/xfire multiple times over stupid stuff like not seeing each other but we always made up.

The when I hadn’t seen him for a month he came down mine on Saturday and I was so glad to see him but totally pissed off that I hadn’t seem him for a month obviously so we just watched a film and we didn’t really communicate because I was in a mood with him (which in my opinion was perfectly justified under the circumstances). When he got home he asked my what was up and we had a big talk over msn/fire and I told him everything that I was feeling/thinking. I know I should have done it face to face but I find it hard to communicate efficiently face to face and I want to say everything that I needed to say.

So after that things started to get back on track, he still couldn’t get to me but I went down his after college a few days a week when ever I could, but things weren’t anything like how they were for them first few weeks. Our msn/xfire conversations weren’t the same…they were like conversations just for the sake of it, I didn’t get random text off him anymore but when we were together he seemed happy to see me and would say all the nice stuff like `ive missed you` and `im never letting you go` and stuff.

Last time I went down was on Tuesday, things were good for a few hours then him mum asked us walk the dogs and he refused even though I wanted to, he was being grumpy so I sat on the other sofa away from him while he cheered up and we didn’t talk for a few hours just watched tv then he come and sat with me and kissed me and said sorry for being moody, I had to go home then so we walked to the bus stop and he apologized again and said he was grumpy because he had hardly eated for 4 days (hes had his tongue pierced) so I told him he should be sorry because he was a right mood git and he said he was so we kissed goodbye and I got on the bus.

We didn’t really talk then for a few days because him internet went away for a lil while but I rang him on Wednesday to see if I was going down on Thursday and he said he wanted me to but he had some youth group thing so I told him I wasn’t going because I didn’t want him to miss his youth group but I asked if he wanted me go on Sunday and he said yes so I left it at that. Then yesterday me and a few mates went out and we knocked on his even though I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be in but just on the off chance that he might be (he wasn’t) then when I got in id got a xfire message off him (left pc on and stayed signed in) saying `miss you ` so I told him about my days and he was all moody saying it was stupid to knock on someones house if you didn’t think they would be in and stuff and was being quite harsh with me. So I didn’t speak to him for about 2 hours then I asked him what his problem was with me these days and he said there wasn’t one and I said that it seemed like he wasn’t bothered and doesn’t care anymore and he said `I do care` and I was like `when was the last time you sent me a random text to say hi or w/e` or ``when was the last time you tried come mine ` or `when was the last time you even met me at the bus stop` and he said ` maybe you right, maybe I don’t care, what then?` so I said like a said you aren’t bothered anymore and he said that he does care about me but not the relationship. So I asked him why he started the conversation with `I miss you` and he said `I do, but im like do I really? I don’t know :S`

So we basically split up online but I went down his today like we originally planned because I needed to see him in order for me to accept it being over because I didn’t want us to break up online, and we always said that whatever happened between us we would stay friends, so I needed to see him to mentally get him back as a friend. So when I went down it was pretty awkward at first neither of us really knew what to say and id spent half the journey there crying and we talked a little bit and I asked how long he had been feeling like we should end it and he said he didn’t know, not ages.

Then it was weird because it was kindda like everything was ok (apart from the fact that my head was buzzing and I was holding back the tears) and we talked about regular stuff, messed around tickling each other, and had a little laugh. The he walked me to the bus stop and I was like `do I get a hug?` he was like `sure` so we had a little hug then I got on the bus and…well…now im here.

I don’t really know what to do or feel, I maintained my dignity by not crying in front of him which I am glad about because I didn’t want it to be all sad I wanted it to be a nice ending and it was it was the nicest breakup then I would ever had imagined.

I wish it hadn’t come to this he made me so happy, I knew he wasn’t happy since he left college and I missed the way we used to be even if it was just for a few weeks. I don’t know what to think I miss him and I cant bare the thought of never seeing him or talking to him again which is why I defiantly want to stay friends with him but I keep wondering what could have been if he hadn’t left college? I keep asking myself if there will be a chance of us trying again when he gets a job and gets himself sorted out ( hes unhappy, miserable, depressed, bored, hasn’t got anything to look forward to at the moments, spends all day and night playing world of warcraft etc) and I hope so but I don’t want to rely on false hope it will just make it harder if it doesn’t ever happen. And how to I find out a few month or w/e down the line when hes sorted without causing more damage?

I just need to figure out how to move on now, but I don’t want to forget about him no matter what he still makes me happy and I don’t want to forget that, hopefully even if we cant ever get back together we will hopefully have a good friendship because I will always look out for him and care for him no matter what 

so what do i do now? :S opinions? comments? say w/e you want...

[Mish]

So I didn’t speak to him for about 2 hours then I asked him what his problem was with me these days and he said there wasn’t one and I said that it seemed like he wasn’t bothered and doesn’t care anymore and he said `I do care` and I was like `when was the last time you sent me a random text to say hi or w/e` or ``when was the last time you tried come mine ` or `when was the last time you even met me at the bus stop` and he said ` maybe you right, maybe I don’t care, what then?` so I said like a said you aren’t bothered anymore and he said that he does care about me but not the relationship. So I asked him why he started the conversation with `I miss you` and he said `I do, but im like do I really? I don’t know :S`

So we basically split up online

I just need to figure out how to move on now, but I don’t want to forget about him no matter what he still makes me happy and I don’t want to forget that, hopefully even if we cant ever get back together we will hopefully have a good friendship because I will always look out for him and care for him no matter what 

so what do i do now? :S opinions? comments? say w/e you want...[/COLOR][/U]

It sounds like you've initiated the break up though the power of suggestion. You suggested that something was wrong and that things are not the same as they used to be, while knowing the exact reasons for that and knowing that you yourself didn't have time to spend with him due to other commitments. Basicly here is a sumamry of what happened:

You suggested that relationship is failing.

He denied that it is

You brought real life examples to demonstrate that relationship is indeed failing to prove your point. Failing to highlight that you also had other commitments and also contributed to change of circumstances. I.e. you suggested relationship is failing and it's his fault

He considered the evidence and akcnowledged that yes something looks wrong

You continued the assault accusing him of not caring

He denied this

You asked why does he show you that he cares when he clearly doesn't? (I.e. break up suggestion)

He (confused) didn't know how to reply to this

Result: Break up

Both of you played a part in this, and if you ask me honestly it didn't have to be like this. This is something that could've easily been resolved through talking and negotiation.

[buzwiz]

Wow the truth does hurt (much appreciated tho )

i can see what you mean, i thought talking about it the way we did would help the situation not make things much worse...i really did think it was for the best and i was surprised because i thought we were sorting things out, i guess i should have waited until i went down his and talked face-to-face? ive always been impatient tho

He did say that he had been thinking about it for a short while but when i asked how long he just said `i don't know` and he said that he wanted to make sure before he said anything in case he made a mistake and he said that he was funny with me because he knew it would result in us splitting up. But the last time i saw him he said all the usually nice stuff like ` im never letting you go` etc so now im thinking mabey he just said that because it was easy to say he had been thinking it for a short while?

anyway based on everything what should i do now?

1. wait until he talks to me online (we are both on as good as all night every night) and just stay friends unless he says anything to suggest otherwise?

2. Strike up a conversation with him now (online) and just chat to him as a friend and see if he suggests anything

3. Wait a few weeks, then start a conversation with him online about random stuff like we would before we became more than just friends and see if he says anything...or mabey subtly say something myself (if so what?:S)

4. accept that i screwed up and that it is now over and make the most of being friends? (if so how long do i wait to start a conversation with him? i used to talk to him all the time anyway but whats appropriate now?)

5. Other (please state)

What do i do now?

thanks xxxx

[Mish]

5. Other (please state)

What do i do now?

thanks xxxx

Well, a lot depends on what you want to do from here? Don't forget, it takes two to tango.

Do you think it's through and you want to be single now? Then don't do anything just stop contact with him until you're over him. Then go for someone else.

Do you think you would like to still be with him? Then call him and tell him you would like to talk to him, organize a date somewhere maybe in a coffee shop. Set a positive mood (I.e. get yourself into a positive mood). Your motivation will be not to assault or defend, but to build bridges. Find out where he's at, what he's feeling, does he still like you. And if he does if there's a way for the two of you to work things out considering the changed circumstances.

Remember DO NOT accuse or attack at any point. Don't judge and don't defend. If these issues come up, change the subject to positive validation. Remember the good times in the relationships. Highlight that mending is a posibility and if things are taken slowly and both of you are considerate to each other's needs there can be a good future.

[buzwiz]

Thanks Ive spent all day thinking about what is it that i really want and ive come to the conclusion that i really would like to give it another chance with him, if i walk away now without trying then i will keep wondering what could have been but if i try atleast i can say i gave it my best shot and if he doesnt want me anymore at least i tired

Then call him and tell him you would like to talk to him, organize a date somewhere maybe in a coffee shop. Set a positive mood (I.e. get yourself into a positive mood). Your motivation will be not to assault or defend, but to build bridges. Find out where he's at, what he's feeling, does he still like you.

This cant work for me and him for two reasons, i currently have no phone and his is currently dying (VERY old a battered ) the best communication we have at the moment is msn/xfire and second he has no money and lives in the middle of no where which means he cant get a bus or anything to meet anywhere. The only way i could see him until he sorts a job out is by going down his which is about 1 1/2 hours bus ride (which i do quite happily) but is neutral territory best?

I would really like to find out if there is a chance of us trying again but i dont know how to bring the topic up? i dont want to come across as being `desperate` but how do i convey that i want him back without being to direct? im not exactly good with words especially not face to face I would quite like to bring the topic up initially online and if he is adamant that nothing can happen leave it there but if he thinks we could try again then i would go down his so we could talk things through properly...bad idea?

Remember DO NOT accuse or attack at any point. Don't judge and don't defend.

i think that where i went very wrong all my attacking and accusing whenever we had dofficulties throughout the relationship were done online...in person i wouldnt have attacked half as much as i did ...im begining to think msn killed our relationship looking back

Find out where he's at, what he's feeling, does he still like you.

That will be like drawing blood from a stone he isnt the most open of people when it comes to sharing his feelings


How long do i leave it? do i give him a chance to miss me by waiting a week or so or do i act sooner rather than later before he moves on?

thanks

xxxx

[Mish]

This cant work for me and him for two reasons, i currently have no phone and his is currently dying (VERY old a battered ) The only way i could see him until he sorts a job out is by going down his which is about 1 1/2 hours bus ride (which i do quite happily) but is neutral territory best?

Excuses

There should be some kind of place where you can meet and seat down and talk face to face somewhere close to him which isn't at his house. Tell him to meet you there so you can talk, no expectations just a friendly chat. Buy him a coffee if he really is that broke for money.

I would really like to find out if there is a chance of us trying again but i dont know how to bring the topic up? i dont want to come across as being `desperate` but how do i convey that i want him back without being to direct? im not exactly good with words especially not face to face I would quite like to bring the topic up initially online and if he is adamant that nothing can happen leave it there but if he thinks we could try again then i would go down his so we could talk things through properly...bad idea?

Bad idea, don't go to his place. Meet somewhere outside even if its close to where he lives. Don't bring the topic of getting back together if it doesn't feel comfortable. Negotiate around the idea of conflict resolution, you've had some differences in the past, talk about how you can both work together to solve these differences and see if you get a favourable response from him. Tell him that the past tactics of you accusing him, were in bad taste and now you found a new way to solve problems which is through listening, understanding and mutual agreement. You're seeing the world with a new pair of eyes. You are ready for harmony. This should be your message for him.

P.S. I thought I'd better reply here than the "desperate" thread.

That will be like drawing blood from a stone he isnt the most open of people when it comes to sharing his feelings

Use intutition and pin point questions to work it out. Don't ask him directly. "Remember the time when we went to.... How did that make you feel? How does it make you feel now remembering that?". Remember a woman has a lot of power when it comes to holding a relationship. For a guy to be in a relationship it just has to make sense. If he can understand how a relationship with you can work out in the long term with all the checks and balances and smooth conflict resolutions in place then provided he still has feelings for you there might be a posibility.

[buzwiz]

Thanks Im going to try and meet up with him so we can talk, hangout,w/e just as matebut not for a little while. Looking back ive realized just how much ive changed since we got together i lost my `spark` so to speak i started to take things alot more seriously that i would normally and looking back at times i was a rite moody bitch.

I think before i even consider seeing how things are again even in the most subtle of ways i need to get my `spark` back, be that person who was always up for a laugh, easy going, fun etc because at the end of the day thats the person he originally fell for and i don't like what i have become i was much happier the old me so thinking about it mabey we both have issues we need to deal with before we can move on or resolve things.

Negotiate around the idea of conflict resolution, you've had some differences in the past, talk about how you can both work together to solve these differences and see if you get a favourable response from him. Tell him that the past tactics of you accusing him, were in bad taste and now you found a new way to solve problems which is through listening, understanding and mutual agreement. You're seeing the world with a new pair of eyes. You are ready for harmony.

This i realized also, at the time i thought i was pretty easy going but looking back if he anoyed me i would just shout at him online...which leads me to another lesson ive learnt alot of out relationship from the beginging was IM based which lead to a great deal of misinterpretation.

For now i think im going to talk to him in moderation online, focus on getting back to the `me` that i once was, giving us both the space we need to sort ourselves out and where appropriate remember the good times that we had together... Then if i still have feeling for him by then i will figure out a way of us meeting up *if* i think there is a possibility of something still being there which i think i will be able to judge to some extent from our conversations...we`ll see.......

[Mish]

Sounds like you have it all worked out

Good luck Buz!

[buzwiz]

Thanks We`ll see if it all goes according to plan eh? I have felt much better these last few days, enjoyed spending time with my girl friends so i can think much clearer now which is always a good start

xxx