relationship advice

[hartbroken]

Hello, my name is Heather. I just registered with this site because I could really use some advice.I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I met him at my last job at the end of 2006. the following year, we decided to be a couple. we decided to be a couple the day before he left for the navy bootcamp. at the time, i just got out of a relationship with my best friend of 15 years. while my current boyfriend was away, i cheated on him with my best friend. my boyfriend came back on sick leave a month later and i explained to him what happened. we broke up,but a month later, we started all over. we had our ups and downs and fights,but everything got better. the only problem is that he would get mad at me for stupid things and not talk to me for a week at a time. i would run after him and go to his house looking for him.which he hates by the way.has been doing this to me since last summer.well last week, i got mad at him because he hung up on me.two days later my friend tells me he is at the cofee shop.a place that he goes to all of the time.i went over there and confronted him.he was talking to two girls that were supossably his friends.he told me that he is sick of this.that i always get hurt.everything is always about me.he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.he broke up with me and i havent heard from him since.so guys, what does this mean?does he not care anymore?

Sincerely,
Heather

[Illusional]

give him time to cool down. true, both of you have had your ups and downs, so maybe he needs to reorganize things and just let the situation cool down for now.

i won't lie to you, maybe he's sick and tired of all this fighting, but the best thing right now is to let him be. he's mad and people will do rash things when they are mad like, break up and what not. i would suggest that you talk to him in a few days after the storm had calmed a bit. yes it will be hard, but right now, just find confort in your female friends.

raverboy

[hartbroken]

hey,thank you for your advice.it has been almost a week since i talked to him,but i know in my heart that he is the one for me.i really hope that he will chase after me this time.i really appreciate your advice.thank you!

heather

[GrkScorp]

i know in my heart that he is the one for me.i really hope that he will chase after me this time

and then you get people asking.. GrkScorp, I seriously wonder what kind of women you hang out with.. as if to imply that this isn't the norm

Dear Heather,

I know you "know" it, deep within your heart, that he's "the one" for you.. but have you taken just one small step back and asked yourself "why" exactly that is? As you try and think of some valid reasons for that.. let me go on to say this...,

He's not going to chase after you.. you're not 10.. so unless you have 3-tits, it's pretty clear that what you're feeling is one-directional.. so the only person left chasing, is you.. you can try and tell yourself that he's going to chase you.. but it's not going to happen.. don't take it personally.. just think about what that mentality of yours may be doing to your relationship..

O.K. so what did you come up with? Anything solid? Any good proof that he and he alone is the one and only guy out there for you.. "the one".. such good reason that you are certain without a reasonable doubt? No? Not really? That's ok.. all that matters is that you start to consider how things "actually" are.. which will allow you to get a realistic feel for how he's feeling.. and you'll stop waiting there, in the hope that he'll chase after you.. and instead.. as you let go of that mentality.. start to realize ways to make what you have with him last.. and actually grow stronger.. that's sort of the point..

Best,

GrkScorp

[hartbroken]

thank you for your advice.so what you are saying is that i should not wait for him to chase me,i should just wait things out?

[GrkScorp]

thank you for your advice.so what you are saying is that i should not wait for him to chase me,i should just wait things out?

Close, that's good.. that was a HUGE step in the right direct, in a very short amount of time..

Actually, the situation is in fact more complex..

Do you know what single men & women have in common? Singles that are not single by choice.. do you want to take a shot and what is keeping them single?

Well.. maybe it was a little obvious.. but yes.. "waiting".. that's what keeps single people.. single..

Less blabber about single frustrated women, and how they are their own worst enemy.. and more talking about what you should do..

Be more active, and less passive.. ideally, don't be passive.. Forget about child-games for a second.. Think about being the author of a romantic novel.. and describing the romantic tale between two people.. a man and a woman.. their powerful love for eachother, this burning desire deep down within.. Now, you can use all the colorful language you want, but at the end of the day, if the character is just sitting there waiting, the message she's sending out is quite different from this powerful love and romance you want to convey.. Because there's nothing romantic about sitting there like a disinterested plant, just waiting.. and putting no effort into the interaction.. as if to imply that the interaction isn't valuable enough to put any effort into.. It would make for a pretty crappy romantic novel.. where the woman ends up staying single in the end..

So be a little more pro-active.. there's nothing wrong with talking to him.. when guys hear "hi.. blah blah".. they don't think "omg, ugh, she's hitting on me, she's interested, how flattering, how am I going to get out of this one?".. no.. not even close.. i'll tell you what goes through the typical male mind.. "hi.. blah blah".. that's it.. and even more shocking.. if the guy is interested in you.. "omg, she's talking to me.. awsome.. sh*t, I don't even know if she likes me, dude, say something back..".. It's funny, but women are actually in the better position to initiate; just because of the relative nature of both sexes..

Talking to him, is ALWAYS better than not talking to him.. An interaction is ALWAYS better than just waiting.. ALWAYS..

But i'll tell you why you're nervous.. because I know why you're nervous Heather.. you're probably thinking to yourself.. deep down inside.. "why would he like me? why would anyone like me? I don't even really know why people like me.. I don't know what they see in me".. and with that question in mind.. your mind breeds and gives birth to this new statement.. "maybe he won't like me, maybe he doesn't like me".. and then it's just easier to do the following.. "well, i'll just wait and see if he likes me, if he likes me, he'll chase after me".. That chain of faulty logic is the result of one thing..

Poor self-awareness.. No, it has very little to do with insecurity, it only has to do with how aware you are of who you are as a person, and what value you have to offer others.. And how happy you are with that person..

You can try to explore yourself as a person, as you're reading this.. you can try and think about all the great qualities you have as a person, i'm sure you can think of a couple.. but try to narrow it down to just 3-5 of them.. and really focus on them.. think about how they tie into your personality and character, and define you, who you are as a person.. as an individual.. Then think about what you can offer guys, that not too many other women can offer them.. (don't let insecurity get the better of you here, it's a bit of a challenge, but the only challenge is not letting insecurity pop up).. every woman has something they can offer a man, that not many other women can.. so take as much time as you need, and find those things.. and think back to times that you can think of and remember, that make it more clear and certain that these are in fact those qualities.. As you become more aware and comfortable with who you are.. you'll start to notice and feel less and less nervous.. and that's because you're now more and more aware to the answer for that question that was bothering you "why would he like me? why would anyone like me?".. when that question pops up in your mind.. you know exactly how to answer it.. and you know that it's the truth and reality, now.. Take as much time as you need to do that.. and when you feel that you're aware and comfortable enough with yourself.. grab the phone, or go find him, and talk to him.. say anything.. it doesn't matter.. just talk.. you can have a reason or excuse to talk, but you don't really need one, it's not important.. "I was just bored and needed someone to talk to and waste time with" works just fine..

Best,

GrkScorp