What does he feel?

[katya]

Hello everybody,

I will make my story short. I have been in contact with a man for about 4 months (some of it was while he was still here and the rest has been through email etc.). Anyway, we met while he was visiting a friend in the city I live. We have mutual friends and we came across each other through many social gatherings and what not. He immediately expressed interest (although not directly) and I saw him look at me and want to talk to me almost all the time. So, we met and went out and everything was great. That was for about a couple of weeks, where he was really nice and polite towards me. However, he never mentioned that he wants anything further. We never talked about anything. I know he does not see himself living here and I thought that that might be a problem. He, however, said that we will be in contact and that he is glad he met me and had a chance to be my friend. Now, a lot of time has passed since he went away and we are still just friends. I mean, he never says anything and when he writes, it's usually very short and about insignificant things, like weather, for example. I do not know what to think. I assume that he does not like very much, and I wish that he said something a while ago, whatever it was. I think he owes me that much. I have not asked him anything because of the long distance (I don't know if I should...I mean, if he were here, I would definitely ask). What do you think? Does he want something or not?

Thank you everybody for reading.

[Cain]

Unless he's a really shy guy, most guys don't have a problem with letting a girl know they are interested. Because he doesn't seem to be showing any interest, it might be safe to say that he isn't interested in a relationship... especially because of the distance.

[katya]

It just seems weird to write to each other and yet there is nothing between us. I think that he should have said something before he left and I was not really expecting anything from him. He could have said that we should not enter into anything right now and I would have been fine with that. I do not think that he is shy because he gave me compliments at the beginning, but everything, then, stopped. So, I assume it's me that's the reason and not something else. Otherwise, he would have probably said something, right? I don't have problems with being friends, but I just wish he should have said something. My friends think that he is interested, but that it is long distance and that I should just relax and let whatever happen to happen. I kind of feel like that, but sometimes he writes something nice about me or says that he is happy when he gets my message, so that confuses me and I don't like because I get more attached to him (by the way, we write almost every day). I wish that we spoke about it and directly said that nothing should happen. We could have stayed friends and we could have written to each other occasionally.

But, my question is: Does he feel something for me? What is this behaviour telling you? I know he doesn't want a relationship, although I do not know the reason.

[Cain]

It's hard to tell whether or not he has feelings for you since we don't know him. But everything you're describing can be innocent friendship. You think that every guy should tell you whether he is interested or just wants to be friends when in reality.. that's not how it happens. Usually, if a guy just wants to be friends, he only says that if you are coming too close and he needs to push you away. A guy doesn't tell every girl he meets that he either wants to pursue something or just be friends.

[katya]

thank you for you answer...i actually meant that it would have been nice since he is the one who initiated the contact...and we still are in contact...usually, anyway from my experience, when a guy does not want anything from you, he never even calls, let alone wants to be friends with you...and here is even more peculiar since this is long distance...i mean, we barely even know each other and yet he still writes...if he likes my friendship, then how come he does not want a relationship with me? I forgot to mention that there is 13 years of difference between us...at the beginning, he thought i was a little bit older...i don't know if this is an issue...my friends tell me it's because he does not plan to live here and that is the reason he is not pursuing it farther...because he does not know how all of it is going to work...then why did he start anything? i think it's me and that is why he is not saying anything...because i found out that he, supposedly, said to somebody that he is not looking for a girlfriend here because he is not staying long and he does not want somebody to wait for him etc...however, he wanted to get to know me...well, he wasn't pursuing anything but was really polite...i thought he was a gentleman and i thought that he was going to say something...i don't know...i was a little bit nervous at the beginning and i didn't really want to get to know him because i don't like these situations...and i kind of knew what the turn out was going to be...oh well...it doesn't matter...i am not going to write anymore...this has been too much... thanks for you help again.

[Cain]

There you have it. If he told someone that he wasn't looking for a gf there because he didn't want to deal with the distance... there's your answer. Just because he was friendly doesn't mean he was trying to initiate a relationship.

[Lozenger]

Maybe, he just wants a friendship and gave you compliments to be friendly towards you.
He may have something on his mind that made his behaviour towards you change a little. Who knows - he could be shy as he developed feelings for you or he could be gay and now that he knows you a little bit more, is wondering how to tell you that. But he still likes you as he writes to you everyday
Also, maybe his letters are short because he doesn't know what else to talk about. Some men really aren't great talkers - it's the girls who usually talk for the whole country - so this shouldn't be because he doesn't like you although it seems as though he only likes you as a friend.

[katya]

thanks both of you...it's weird if he only wanted friendship...well not weird, but i mean if a guy ask you for a cup of coffee, that means he likes you in a romantic way, right? anyway, i wanted to ask you both that if you like girl and you can't be with her because of some personal reasons, would you tell her? or would you just leave it as it is? or would you not tell anything only when you do not like her and do not think of her as a potential gf?

[Cain]

thanks both of you...it's weird if he only wanted friendship...well not weird, but i mean if a guy ask you for a cup of coffee, that means he likes you in a romantic way, right? anyway, i wanted to ask you both that if you like girl and you can't be with her because of some personal reasons, would you tell her? or would you just leave it as it is? or would you not tell anything only when you do not like her and do not think of her as a potential gf?

No. I used to go out for pizza with some girl from one of my classes once a week. And the whole time it was both of us talking about our relationships. It had nothing romantic about it.

You need to stop thinking that every guy is going to tell you whether or not he's interested. If he doesn't think you're interested or that you wanted a relationship with him then he has no reason to tell you that he can't do one. That's like walking into a Radio Shack and telling them you don't want to buy anything and then walking out. They didn't need to know that.

[katya]

but that's different..you two were acquaitances (sorry if my spelling is wrong..english is not my first language)...we were not...the moment we started talking, he asked me for a cup of coffee etc. why did he ask me and not somebody else? i mean there were other people around too...but you're right..it can be just friendship and i am fine with that..i just needed to clear things up...that's all

[Cain]

The problem is you are still thinking that he had to have a romantic reason for asking you for coffee... and he didn't. He could have just enjoyed the conversation and wanted to talk more. It doesn't have to be romantic interest.

[katya]

not really...the way he was looking at me...without even talking to me...i mean it was that obvious that he was interested...and some other people close to me saw that too...

[Cain]

Either way, unless he knew you were interested he had no reason to tell you that you both should just be friends. That's what I'm saying. Tell him that you felt a spark and you wanted to know if he felt it too. Unless he knows that you are interested he has no reason to say anything since he knows it won't work because of the distance.

[katya]

the point is that he was looking at me first and that in a number of occasions he said hello, wanting to talk to me and we even talked once, again because of his initiative...then, all of us went to the movies and i was sitting on one end of the row and he on the other...he was looking the whole time at me and he wanted to talk...at the end of the movie, he came and sat down...we talked a little bit and then he gave me his phone number so that we can go out for a cup of coffee sometimes...now i think that that is an interested man, a man who would like to get to know you better and have a romantic relationship with you...and that is why i think he should have said something...you may think otherwise and that is fine...but i disagree, because i think it's nicer and more polite that when you ask somebody something, you tell them why you ask and if it doesn't work out, you state the reason so that the other person does not wonder...but i mean, nobody is stupid in these situations...when he backs out, everybody knows that he is not interested in a relationship...now, what is the reason, we don't know...yes, it's that long distance and everything...him not wanting to live here...but why did he want to talk to me and meet me...i mean it is finished...we can be friends...it's no big deal and maybe he thinks, who knows, situation may change in the future and something can happen...i think it is a mistake, i don't know...because we invest our feelings by contacting each other...i mean, if he comes again and the situation changes, and i am available, then so be it...otherwise, no need to write each other often...otherwise, it is not worth it...i can't seem to want to meet a new man because i think about him and i know that it's more towards not working out then it is...but i can't tell him that...i think it would be unwise to say something right now...but i don't want to just stop writing either...i don't want to be that kind of a person...i am free to be friends with whoever wants to be my friend...

[FoxyLaydee]

i mean if a guy ask you for a cup of coffee, that means he likes you in a romantic way, right?

Sorry to burst your bubble, honey but it doesn't mean when a guy asks you out for coffee that means he like you romantically!