Guys doesn't want to get married/kids

[littlemo]

Wanted some advice...Sorry if it's too long...

My bf was single for 4 years before we were together. When we were friends, he told me he would like to be single FOREVER. After we started hanging out for 6 months, we fell for each other. Now we have already been together for almost 1.5 years now. (Some background information: My bf is Brit & late 30s, I am Chinese & late 20s both living in Hong Kong.)

When we started officially dating, things were horrible. I was quite needy and wanted to be with him all the time; He was very independent and liked his own space always. We would fight every 2 weeks literally! After we dated for about half a year (ie one year ago), one night stupid me started to ask him questions regarding marriage and kids. Of course that didn't go well...He told me he does NOT believe in marriage and has no plan for kids. He does not even want to share his flat with any gf!! *He did mention he could date me forever!* That night we were so close to be broken up!!

After that night, I told myself that he's not the one, I become independent, I stop asking him to spend time with me, show little interest in him, I even bought my own flat and not expecting anything from him. Basically I was preparing a breakup. Surprisingly, when I become less needy, he started to call more, care more, ask me to stay at his flat more, want me to spend time with him more - overall treats me MUCH better and takes me less for granted

We have been together for 1.5 years now. Within the last 0.5 year, we seldom fight. We spend quite a lot of time together. He treats me real well - took me on vacations, got me a 37" LCD for Xmas, always buys me dinners etc. He cares a lot for me and really loves and serious about me I can tell. We feel very *natural* to be with each other. NO we never mention a word about "marriage" or "kids" ever again!!

I am very happy to be with him at the moment. I slowly convince myself that “marriage” isn’t important as most couples get divorce these days anyways, and I still not sure whether I want to have kids yet. My question is should I worry much about
“marriage” and “kids”? I so envy my girlfriends who are married, planning a big wedding, picking up their lovely wedding gown, having a HUGE diamond on their finger etc. What if I break up with my bf in my mid-30s and regret having no kids? Would my bf change his mind about marriage and kids later on as he did change his mind about not having a gf forever! Should I leave him and try to find someone I love, would live with me and marry me later (I still love him a lot and hate to start a relationship over again)?

Any constructive advice would be awesome!

[vashti]

I think he clearly stated that he has no intention of marrying and having a family. If these things are important to you, then you are wasting your time. It really depends on what YOU want at this point. I woudn't count on changing his mind.

For the record - I think giving up children is a HUGE sacrifice. I wouldn't do it.

[GrkScorp]

My bf was single for 4 years before we were together.

Woah... that's a long time to be single.., and that just spells out someone who has not been sexually satisfied enough to be ready for being with just one person for the rest of his life..

My bf is Brit & late 30s, I am Chinese & late 20s both living in Hong Kong.

He's starting to get a little old to be a father.. but more importantly.. because we could care less about him.., you're getting a little too old to get married.. The clock is ticking, and you're on the wrong end of the bargaining table to be waiting around.. you don't exactly have the luxury of time..

He told me he does NOT believe in marriage and has no plan for kids. He does not even want to share his flat with any gf!! *He did mention he could date me forever!*

This is clearly an indication that he is spiteful towards women.. perhaps the result of him feeling that they are the object of his frustration for all these years.. This isn't a guy you want to be with anyway.. And not a guy who will have an open mind towards marriage and children..

After that night, I told myself that he's not the one, I become independent, I stop asking him to spend time with me, show little interest in him, I even bought my own flat and not expecting anything from him. Basically I was preparing a breakup. Surprisingly, when I become less needy, he started to call more, care more, ask me to stay at his flat more, want me to spend time with him more - overall treats me MUCH better and takes me less for granted

Again.. an other sign that he hasn't been too successful in the past..

If you really do want to be married and have children.. this isn't the guy for you.. and he never will be..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Cain]

There's no way that I would stay with a girl that told me she didn't want to get married or have kids. Family is very important to me.

[littlemo]

Since we are getting on pretty well for the last half a year and he's a lot more relaxed with me now (yes my time is ticking i know!), u think it's wise for me to bring up the kids/marriage topic again or i would be asking for trouble? You think if a man loves a girl enough, he would change his mind to satisfy the girl? Or since I don't really know what I want, I should just keep my mouth shut until the right time comes?!

[GrkScorp]

u think it's wise for me to bring up the kids/marriage topic again or i would be asking for trouble?

You should learn to bring up this topic indirectly.. VERY indirectly.. especially considering his reaction the first time.. But, based on everything you said so far.. this isn't a man who would want to do this in his life right now..

You think if a man loves a girl enough, he would change his mind to satisfy the girl?

Yes... if a man loves a girl enough, he can move mountains.. just to make her happy.. But that's not the point.. The point is if HE wants to get married and have kids.. not if he wants to make you happy.. You're thinking the wrong way.. If he gets married and has kids just to make you happy.. and that's not what he wants to do.. then there will come a time where he will find himself trapped and unhappy.. And you don't want to be in that situation, especially with kids..

[Cain]

Ultimately, if he doesn't want a family but you do, you need to move on while you can.

[vashti]

Since we are getting on pretty well for the last half a year and he's a lot more relaxed with me now (yes my time is ticking i know!), u think it's wise for me to bring up the kids/marriage topic again or i would be asking for trouble? You think if a man loves a girl enough, he would change his mind to satisfy the girl? Or since I don't really know what I want, I should just keep my mouth shut until the right time comes?!

No, I've never seen a man who was clear about not wanting a family change his mind.

Would it be "asking for trouble" to bring it up? Who cares? You have some decisions to make. Are you always so mousy? This is your LIFE. Don't be a passive bystander and let other people decide you future.

You aren't too old to be getting married. Statistics show that the closer you are to 30 when marrying, the more likely it is the marriage will last. Grk just thinks women are all washed up when they are 30 because he doesn't know any better.

However, you ARE too old to continue letting others make important decisions (like whether or not you will have kids).

Don't worry about making trouble. Worry about wasting your time with someone who doesn't share your goals.

[boobaa]

Maybe he has an impression that women are actually very egoistic in the sense of marriage since they only want children and a steady income to support them.

[GrkScorp]

You aren't too old to be getting married. Statistics show that the closer you are to 30 when marrying, the more likely it is the marriage will last. Grk just thinks women are all washed up when they are 30 because he doesn't know any better.

Ad hominem.. plus, since when is that what Grk thinks about women in their 30's? You also forgot to quote the statistics for a fair coin toss!

Anyway.. Those statistics make sense.., so there's no need to be a ballbuster and say something catty like "source?"

But the reason 30 is kind of old.. is not because your marriage is likely to fail.. it is likely to succeed.. you're hopefully more mature with age.. the issue is.., which guy wants you at 30? Which guy wants you at 31.. 32.. 33.. 34.. 35.. 36.. 37.. 38.. 39..?

For him.. being in his "late" 30's and not married is not at all the norm.. Pull up some statistics on the average age of guys getting married in Hong Kong.. Now.., those guys don't want someone the same exact age or older than them.. they are in fact looking for someone younger..

Let's say for your sake.. that the average age is 33.. a woman who is 29 is just barely a candidate.. if one at all..

So yes.. your clock IS ticking.. and that's why.. it has nothing to do with making your marriage work out.. that's a side distraction argument because the truth is a little hard to accept.. but it's not an acceptable solution to the problem, to simply choose to ignore or run away from the problem by throwing distractions at it.. because you're in fact in your late 20's.. and it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to find a guy who wants to find someone in her early 30's to get married to.. not that is doesn't happen.. it does happen.. and there are guys who like taking a dump on someone's chest to get off.. and people do get struck by lightning 3 times in the same day and live to tell the tale.. but in large.. the odds are against you.. and they grow more against you by the day..

If you're also planning on having kids.. don't forget to consider some statistics that matter.. the statistics on birth defects.. after age 33 for women.. the rate of birth defects significantly rises.. If you're planning on having kids.. don't expect to put on the ring and start procreating.. It will take time to find an other guy.. and it will take time to get married.. and it will take time to make the choice to start a family.. and time isn't something you have a whole lot of right now.. you're in your late 20's.. age 33 isn't too far away..

If you're honestly thinking that you want to get married.. then yesterday was already too late.. You should ignore how happy you are NOW with him.. and think about how happy you will be in 1 year from now.. when you're still not married, and older, and it will now be harder for you to get married.. When you can picture that clearly.. and take as much time as you need to really picture that clearly.. You'll start to realize more and more.. exactly what you should do if marriage is that important to you.. And you should start looking for someone else who is ready, willing, and able to get married.. now..

Best,

GrkScorp

[IndiReloaded]

To the OP, for perspective:

GrkS is only 23, has never been married & has scant experience with longterm relationships of the sort you are in. His knowledge is merely theoretical, not based on experience, which is why he dislikes when asked about his 'source' for advice. Don't believe everything you read.

I agree w/Vash. Like her, I've been married a loooong time & have seen many couples over the years. IMO, she's right; men don't usually change their minds about this kind of thing, esp at his age. He isn't some young 20-something spouting off about 'never getting married' b/c he doesn't know what he's saying. He's given the subject thought & has made his decision as a mature adult. Don't delude yourself into thinking you're 'the one who can change his mind'. You can't. Only he can change his mind & he's already said that 'ain't happening'. It is what it is.

So. You need to start thinking about finding someone more aligned w/your needs. Views on family & marriage are one of the most important, basic things a couple needs to agree on to have a solid relationship. If he's not meeting you on this, you're going to end up in a bitter power struggle if you stay together.

He's helped you, indirectly, to become more self-aware & self-sufficient. This is a wonderful gift (even if you never thought of it as such) & something you should be thankful for. Sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones that drag us through a 'ring of fire' and force us to become better people on the other side.

You sound like a beautiful, strong lady who is coming into her own. Find someone who will appreciate those qualities in a way you both find mutually satisfying. Don't settle for less. Good luck!

[Tedel]

I agree with Vashti on this one. If he has told you he doesn't want kids, well, you're losing your time.

[FoxyLaydee]

It's wishful thinking to think that he'd change his mind at his age. He's comfortable cause he thinks you're okay with the way things are now. You may be happy but deep down inside you still want to go through the whole nine yards of marriage and kids. I agree with Indi, you should find someone who is more aligned with your needs.

[Gigabitch]

It's not like there aren't other guys in Hong Kong. Next time you're walking down the street, think about the fact that you're likely to pass by someone who would LOVE to have kids with you, but you don't know it because you're wasting your time with the Perpetual Bachelor.

[vashti]

I think grk likes to instill insecurity in women because it makes it more likely that out of sheer desperation, they will settle for less than they deserve, thereby increasing the chances for silly young men to make a match.

Here is a source, Grk. If you don't like this one, it is easy enough to find another. It's common knowledge that people in their 20s have a very high divorce rate. [url]http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats38.htm[/url]