Still in love but not in lust

[tornapart]

Hello all. First time posting here but I really have nowhere else to turn for advice like this as my father is deceased.

I am 25 and have been in my current relationship for 4 years. She means the world to me and I can't imagine not being with her. While the forthcoming problem may seem frivolous, it is now affecting our love life in a big way.

The problem: Over the last four years she has lost her figure and I am no longer attracted to her enough to get an erection. Do i address the problem with her and ask her tone up at the risk of hurting her deeply or do I leave her?

Any thoughts?

[Cain]

If it is that big of a problem that you are unable to get an erection because you are not attracted to her anymore then you need to let her know without really letting her know. Start putting healthy food inside the house and try to leave out the junk food. Buy a gym membership for the both of you and encourage her to go with you. Don't tell her that she needs to lose weight and tone up though.. women are bad at the weight thing and will get emotional/depressed about it.

But only do this stuff if it is really bad. Don't be trying to get her under 100lbs. That's just unhealthy.

[Illusional]

i'd leave her and let her figure it out on her own. the love is already gone so why should there be sympathy??

raverboy

[Cain]

He never said the love was gone. He said he is still in love with her... the attraction has just gone. Why should he break up with her if she could get back to her past figure if she chose?

[Mathias]

i'd leave her and let her figure it out on her own. the love is already gone so why should there be sympathy??

raverboy

Reread the OP.

[Gigabitch]

Has she even noticed you're not into her any more, and does she care? If she's let herself go so completely in the course of just four years that there isn't even a glimmer of attraction, there's something wrong with her. If you really care about her, try to figure out what this is. Maybe it's as simple as having bad habits, which you can help with (see Cain's post, above) or maybe it's something more serious, like depression.

What else is going on with her, besides this physical dissolution? What's her professional life like? Her relationship with family and friends?

[tryingtoforget]

This is not a frivolous problem, if sex is important to you in a relationship, (and lets face it, it is to most of us) then its worth talking about.
I think that your girlfriend is probably aware of the problem and I'm sure she already feels badly about it. I have a friend in exactly, and I mean exactly the same situation, and she knows that her boyfriend can no longer get an erection because he isn't attracted to her. It makes her feel awful, obviously.
I think once you start talking about it in a loving, non-critical way, it might open up communication, and start to feel better.

I think.

With something like that hanging in the air, I'm sure the climate of your relationship is suffering.

You know how sometimes you'll be feeling really badly about something thats going on, and then once you start talking about it, you feel better, even if the problem isn't solved?
If you love her, its worth putting in the effort to communicate, even if it ends up hurting. Try really hard to keep the conversation about you..."I feel..." and focus on health issues as opposed to appearance/weight issues. Maybe an angle of, "I can sense that you are more inhibited because your confidence is down...and that is affecting my level of arousal." (I don't know, I'm just shooting in the dark here).

If this doesn't work, then it might be time to decide whether you'd rather live without sex or live without her.