Just married, need advice

[GrkScorp]

i disagree. just because a couple waits to have sex doesn't mean they should be remiss about doing it right when the time comes. that's like waiting to do your taxes and then do them half-assed when you do, because since you waited so long to do them you obviously don't care about them, right?

To be fair.., there IS a deadline with taxes.., not so with sex.., unless someone is dying.. in that case.., you do a half-assed job in both.. (big success)

[IndiReloaded]

What on Earth (Day, btw) is everyone on about?

She IS married, she CAN jump his bones anytime w/o being a slut, and she DOES have an obligation to work things out w/her husband, and vice-versa.

The fact they chose to wait until marriage may have been a mistake in hindsight (or not), but it does nothing to help their current problem, which is that they need to come to an agreement about their sex life.

If they can't then it may be a legitimate deal-breaker. Who but those affected is best qualified to say otherwise? At least they don't have kids yet, I say.

[vashti]

Who but those affected is best qualified to say otherwise?

Mish, apparently.

[Mish]

i disagree. just because a couple waits to have sex doesn't mean they should be remiss about doing it right when the time comes. that's like waiting to do your taxes and then do them half-assed when you do, because since you waited so long to do them you obviously don't care about them, right?

Well, look it at this way, taxes are just numbers, ofcourse you can seat down and do them any time you want provided you have enough information. Here we are talking about something completely different, a sex drive. This is not something that you can just "fix". If someone has a low sex drive, they will have a low sex drive. If they can only have sex once a week, then this is how often they will do it. It's not like they can take a magic pill that will fix the sex drive for them. You can say a guy can take viagra and just stick it in and out, but without the drive this is all that he will be doing. Mechanical, boring, repetative, passionless, meaningless. What can you do? Demand? Complain? How will that make things any better?

Just to clear up any misunderstanding once again, I agree that they should negotiate, I agree that the they have to be understanding of the partner's needs. But in the end, she will have to accept him for who he is if all else fails, or else be considered a hypocrite.

[vashti]

It's not like they can take a magic pill that will fix the sex drive for them. You can say a guy can take viagra and just stick it in and out, but without the drive this is all that he will be doing. Mechanical, boring, repetative, passionless, meaningless.

Maybe for him, but not necessarily for her, and her needs are equally important. A man who loves his wife would do this for her, and he would fake it. That is what loving your partner is all about - being selfless, and women have been doing it since the beginning of time (faking it, that is).

Of course, denying her pleasure that CAN be provided because he just doesn't ever feel like it can have an alternative outcome --> an affair.

[Mish]

Maybe for him, but not for her, and her needs are equally important. A man who loves his wife would do this for her. That is what loving your partner is all about.

She would find mechanical, boring, repetative, passionless, meaningless sex satisfying? I thought a dildo would be more satisfying if it ever gets to that stage.

But perhaps, if she finds it satisfying and doesn't complain and as long as she's understanding of her partner's inability to do any better it may work out.

What my concern is are people who don't explore this area before marriage, then suddenly after marriage they discover that yes this is something really important to them, but their partner is unable to perform the way they want them too. So they start to whinge and complain, create problems inside their marriage because they can't be satisfied in ways they want. Tihs is what I'm opposed to.

Of course, denying her pleasure that CAN be provided because he just doesn't ever feel like it can have an alternative outcome --> an affair.

That can be a slippery area. What if he can't provide it, but she says he can but just doesn't feel like it?

[vashti]

That can be a slippery area. What if he can't provide it, but she says he can but just doesn't feel like it?

you just said for yourself that he CAN provide it (with viagra).

[Mish]

you just said for yourself that he CAN provide it (with viagra).

Yeh, but that's hardly a provision. I know women who are not satisfied with that alone. There are also a lot of serious side effects associated with frequent use of Viagra. For example it can lead to tissue damage and permanent loss of potency. There had been links to heart failure among other.

[vashti]

Oh, come on. The side effect profile is actually no worse than any other medication, and neither of those side effects are listed in either of my drug guides.

[Mish]

[url]http://www.drugs.com/pro/viagra.html[/url]

[vashti]

The potential effects on the heart are true, but are not considered common effects. (You added the cardiovascular effects after I read your original post.) I still don't see tissue damage or permanent loss of potency listed, but I didn't read the entire thing. (Too long.) This is the portion from your link that matches my drug guides:



TABLE 2. ADVERSE EVENTS REPORTED BY ≥2% OF PATIENTS TREATED WITH Viagra; a causal relationship to Viagra is uncertain. Reported events include those with a plausible relation to drug use (note that these effects also occurred to a lesser degree with placebos.)

Abnormal Vision: Mild and transient, predominantly color tinge to vision, but also increased sensitivity to light or blurred vision. In these studies, only one patient discontinued due to abnormal vision.
Headache 16%
Flushing 10%
Dyspepsia 7%
Nasal Congestion 4%
Urinary Tract Infection 3%
Abnormal Vision* 3%
Diarrhea 3%
Dizziness 2%
Rash 2%

The following events occurred in <2% of patients in controlled clinical trials; a causal relationship to Viagra is uncertain. Reported events include those with a plausible relation to drug use; omitted are minor events and reports too imprecise to be meaningful:

Body as a whole: face edema, photosensitivity reaction, shock, asthenia, pain, chills, accidental fall, abdominal pain, allergic reaction, chest pain, accidental injury.

Cardiovascular: angina pectoris, AV block, migraine, syncope, tachycardia, palpitation, hypotension, postural hypotension, myocardial ischemia, cerebral thrombosis, cardiac arrest, heart failure, abnormal electrocardiogram, cardiomyopathy.

Digestive: vomiting, glossitis, colitis, dysphagia, gastritis, gastroenteritis, esophagitis, stomatitis, dry mouth, liver function tests abnormal, rectal hemorrhage, gingivitis.

Hemic and Lymphatic: anemia and leukopenia.

Metabolic and Nutritional: thirst, edema, gout, unstable diabetes, hyperglycemia, peripheral edema, hyperuricemia, hypoglycemic reaction, hypernatremia.

Musculoskeletal: arthritis, arthrosis, myalgia, tendon rupture, tenosynovitis, bone pain, myasthenia, synovitis.

Nervous: ataxia, hypertonia, neuralgia, neuropathy, paresthesia, tremor, vertigo, depression, insomnia, somnolence, abnormal dreams, reflexes decreased, hypesthesia.

Respiratory: asthma, dyspnea, laryngitis, pharyngitis, sinusitis, bronchitis, sputum increased, cough increased.

Skin and Appendages: urticaria, herpes simplex, pruritus, sweating, skin ulcer, contact dermatitis, exfoliative dermatitis.

Special Senses: sudden decrease or loss of hearing, mydriasis, conjunctivitis, photophobia, tinnitus, eye pain, ear pain, eye hemorrhage, cataract, dry eyes.

Urogenital: cystitis, nocturia, urinary frequency, breast enlargement, urinary incontinence, abnormal ejaculation, genital edema and anorgasmia.

[IndiReloaded]

Its more a concern for those w/an existing heart condition. The mechanism of viagra is similar to nitroglycerin (vasodilator for the heart), which is why they shouldn' be taken together -- BP can bottom out.

FWIW.

[Mish]

The potential effects on the heart are true, but are not considered common effects. (You added the cardiovascular effects after I read your original post.) I still don't see tissue damage or permanent loss of potency listed, but I didn't read the entire thing. (Too long.) This is the portion from your link that matches my drug guides:

Prolonged erection greater than 4 hours and priapism (painful erections greater than 6 hours in duration) have been reported infrequently since market approval of Viagra. If priapism is not treated immediately, penile tissue damage and permanent loss of potency could result.

I'm getting tired of debating this Vash. I did agree with you on a middle ground a couple of posts back. That theoretically this could work out so long as the woman doesn't complain and whinge about it, doesn't start new problems in the marriage and understands her partner's problem. I still think though that not knowing what the sexual chemistry will be like before going into marriage is too much of a risk to take.

[IndiReloaded]

I wonder what happens when you give a rabbit viagra?

Just curious.

[Mish]

Then a new expression will have to be invented "Hump like a rabbit on viagra"