Personality change

[boobaa]

Hello people!


Do you think it is possible to change your personality? I read the try of changing your personality can lead to neurotic behavior. I mean if someone has bad habits or silent, shy behavior, negative thoughts, etc, is it possible to change?

I know, this might sound like a confidence problem. Confidence is caused by the way we think and that all sums up to how we process thoughts, how we see the world.

There once was a man who killed himself because he saw too real. He was happy, had it all achieved, but at the same time he just couldn't live with the guilt of living in the world like this.


How does one change his way of seeing things or thinking? Is finding a religion, like Buddhism (which is not perfect too for all the cases), the ultimate answer?

[vashti]

I'm not sure how adopting religion can change your innate personality, except perhaps that for many people, it motivates you to live to a higher level of morality. But for shyness? No. Curing shyness takes lots of practice with stepping outside your comfort zone and being willing to risk looking silly.

Personality is innate. I have two kids; one was happy-go-lucky and easy-going as an infant. The other cried and complained more easily, and was more demanding. To this day, those characteristics may vary a little depending on circumstances, but they are generally intact.

Changing the way you look at things has a lot to do with perspective, though. Being exposed to a variety of things can change your perspective, but not your personality.

[anachronistic]

Humans do not come preset with a personality. One's personality grows with them. It changes too, just like how your body goes through changes. It's like if you get pudgy, you go to the gym to work out; you notice an area of your personality that needs work, you work towards making it the way you want it.

You're constantly changing, and unaware of it. It's like the colors of day and night; they change, and people are still unaware; still noticing that the apple is red, noticing this phenomena with an untrained eye. Someone like me, though, that has studied such things, knows that the apple is not red, that light gives the apple it's colorful characteristics, and yeah.... then you have the people who are blind, whose thought of the color red is based on a description, or a fading memory. And you have people that refuse to accept that the apple is red, and claim that it is blue, just to conform against. And then you have people asking if it is even an apple.

Religion can and does have a significant effect on one's thoughts. That's why people call them 'world views'; I look at things differently than you do, and vice versa. One should never be afraid to step outside of their understandings or religion in order to better understand. That's what life is about, and if a religion is scaring you from doing so, then what kind of religion is it? That's why I have such a hard time with accepting certain religions.

[anachronistic]

And the man that killed himself... well, people do that every day. Who is to say whether or not that is right? Well, since the world is perceived from all corners of the earth, by the eyes of countless humans and creatures alike, it is only correct to say that the world cannot be judged by one soul, alone. It takes many souls. And therefore, for this man to kill himself, was probably a foolish move, made on irrational thoughts, and misunderstandings, unless of course, he is so enlightened. The reason why I do not believe so, is because his morals were deeply rooted to his reason for suicide. The grass is always greener on the other side, you know. Who is to judge the world? Of course, the person who has seen life through every eye. He could very well be that person, but guilt is a moral. It probably doesn't make much sense, but it is difficult to explain.

[DoesntMatter]

Maybe cocaine can get you in touch with your alter ego

[Lozenger]

I agree with lilwing.
Your personality changes as you experience different things, because it is those experiences that teaches you and makes you see things differently.
I used to be shy, and I have almost overcome that - I'm more daring, I will talk to people if I want to and go wild on the dance floor (I often feel at home on the dancefloor now) whereas before, I'd be quiet all the time and never speak unless spoken to - but my experiences helped me to change.

I think if you made a list of who you are (what characteristics you have) and what you want to become, then that would be a start. Once you have your list, think of actions/things you could do/think in order to be more like the person you want to be.
If you want to be more positive, many people have that typical post-it by the mirror saying something like "I am a respectable, good-looking person who is good and kind."

[GrkScorp]

Do you think it is possible to change your personality? I read the try of changing your personality can lead to neurotic behavior. I mean if someone has bad habits or silent, shy behavior, negative thoughts, etc, is it possible to change?

Yes.., very possible to change one's personality.., as you're reading this now.., with every word that your eye makes meaning of.., and as it puts these words together to form meaning of a sentence.., and is it puts the sentences together to make meaning of the concept and ideas.., it is realizing concepts and ideas.., perhaps feeling good that it is able to realize them.., perhaps taking on some new learning.., discovering some new truth about itself and the way it works.., but in doing so.., it's easy to notice how it's changing.., constantly changing.., a personality may be stable.., but it's never really constant.., it's always changing.., so the possibility for change is something that always exists.. but the change should be internal.. not external.., although it is the external results most people are interested in.., it's important to not forget that an internal change.., will lead to an external change naturally.., so it's important to focus soley on internal change..

When you "try" to change your personality.., it's possible to go about it in the wrong way.., for example.., "trying" to be something you're not.., something that you have either internally failed to accept.., or have actually internally rejected.., but your mind is set on projecting this as your identity and character.., externally.., this conflict leads to being "manic".., and signs of being manic are people who are defensive about themselves.., because they are not comfortable with who they really are inside.., they are so focused on trying to accept the identity they try and force on themselves.., but it is inconsistent with who they really are internally.., and although their external identity has been rejected unconsciously.., consciously.., their external identity has been accepted.., and in turn.., the internal identity has been rejected.., denial.., leading to insecurity.., not wanting to admit to themselves and to others who they really are on the inside.., they are afraid of who they really are internally.., they want to hide it.., and deny it.., being strongly defensive about it.. and all a result of quite an un-natural personality-makeover.., and yes.., you can see how much room there is for someone to be neurotic..

I know, this might sound like a confidence problem. Confidence is caused by the way we think and that all sums up to how we process thoughts, how we see the world.

Self-esteem & confidence are different.., self-esteem is how you see yourself.., confidence is actually how you think others see you.., and how happy you are with that.., For example.., if you shoot 10 three-point shots in a row.., but there's nobody around to see you.., perhaps you feel good about yourself to some degree.., but perhaps you would feel much better about yourself if others were around to see that.., and establish that you were able of such things (even though YOU know you are.., for some reason it's important to know that others know what you know is true about yourself).. So.., it's easy to get thrown off by the commonspeak usage of the word "confidence".., but self-esteem is what is impacted by the way we think and process our thoughts about ourselves and others relative to ourselves.. When you hear someone say "I like him.., there's something about him.., how he's so confident.., I guess I like his confidence".., what they're saying is.. (I like his sense of external validation.., that must mean that he is used to knowing that others think highly of him.. so it is the norm for him.. he is comfortable with that reality.. and I like that about him).. but what they're trying to say.., what they mean to say is.. (I like his sense of internal validation.., that must mean he is fully aware and comfortable with himself and his abilities, skills, and inner qualities.. such that he is not very insecure.. I like the fact that he's secure with himself).. but it doesn't have the same ring to it to hear someone say.. "I love his self-esteem" in a group..

How does one change his way of seeing things or thinking? Is finding a religion, like Buddhism (which is not perfect too for all the cases), the ultimate answer?

Well.., quite possibly.., could explain for why you see so many churches in very very poor areas.. or very very rich areas.., but I don't have a positive attitude towards religion at all.., so I can't say that i'd be in a good position to answer your question as objectively as i'd like to..

What is more important is something Lozenger touched on.., and something religion also touches on.., a system of beliefs..

Lozenger: "I am a respectable, good-looking person who is good and kind."

Religion: "Someone said to do X.. and not do Y.., and this someone is a symbol of what is good.., therefore if I comply.. I am a good and kind person who is respectable.., if I don't comply.., then I am not all those things.., I want to be all those things.., therefore I choose to comply.., I complied.., therefore I am all those things"

An indirect system works better.., as is the case with almost all indirect methods.., it does a better job of letting the other person "feel" like they are "kind, good, respectable".., because there is some underlying evidence and support for the conclusion that "this person" will reach on "his/her own"..

[GrkScorp]

How does one change his way of seeing things or thinking? Is finding a religion, like Buddhism (which is not perfect too for all the cases), the ultimate answer?

You have to understand one thing about the world.., and about reality.., there are two versions of reality.., and you have a choice between which one you choose to accept.. and this is not some phenomenon that is unique to just you.., this applies to everyone..

Everyone wants to feel good about themselves.., we are constantly accepting and rejecting realities.., but more importantly.., others are doing the same exact thing.., and when some realities conflict.., we obviously want our reality to prevail.., this conflict of interest creates a "tug-of-war".. where others will try and prevail over conflicts or even create conflicts to prevail over.., just to try and feel good about themselves at the expense of an other person's esteem or self-image.. (even if the victory is false)

These are known as "frame games".., and they mostly apply to extroverted people.., notice how external validation is something that affects extroverts more! Introverts are more concerned over internal validation.. Notice what this says about what mode of reality each is willing to accpet.., Introverts are actually secure with themselves and confident in their abilities.., so internal validation is more important than external.., they still seek external validation.., but they are to some degree or another somewhat aware of the reason they don't get it.. (keep reading).., That is because extroverts are more concerned about external validation.., insecure in their internal self.., lacking internal validation.. they choose to accept the greater of the two.., and choose to accept the external reality.. a socially accepted & constructed reality.., and so.., this external reality.. becomes their world.. it's very important to them.., and they will defend it and seek to prevail in it constantly.. (remember.., tug-of-war)..

What you end up with are extroverts who are either unaware or choose to ignore the motives they have to construct such a reality for themselves.., and introverts who are unaware of the motives the extroverts have in constructing and maintaining their external validation.. (of which includes.., trying to belittle others.., trying to prove themselves superior.. all in a relative sense.. to maintain validation)

Examples: (more subtle.. not exclusive to types)

"You don't know what you're talking about.. I've been in this office for 10 years! You think just because you're the hot new rookie around here.., you can do my job better than me? Just try to do what I do for a day.., make me laugh.. that should put you in place" (notice how this is defensive.., the senior lacks internal validation for his/her abilities and the results he/she can yield.., and now that this new rookie is doing his job better.. the rookie is crushing and destroying the senior's external reality.. the source of the senior's external validation.. so you naturally see a strong attempt to try and defend it)

"What do you know about kids? I'm a woman.., i'm a mother.., go watch some football or fix something around the house.., or whatever it is that you're good at as a guy.., and leave me alone"

"What do you know about video games/sports? I'm a guy.., i've been playing games/sports with the guys for years.., go watch some soaps or make some dinner.., or whatever it is that you girls do.., I don't want you to embarrass yourself"

"Haha! What the hell do you know about ____? Oh.., don't listen to him/her.., it's cute how he/she is trying to help.., but I think you should leave this to people who actually know what they're talking about" (notice how this reaks with implications.., and how the implications reak with motives)

"You just hate me because i'm beautiful.., it's ok.., not everyone is good-looking.., it's not your fault.., there's no reason to be jealous or anything.., I thought you were cool.., I was going to let you start hanging out with us.., but I guess not anymore.., you can go back to your friends.." (again.., we get the idea)

Yeah.., the examples were quite intense.., but just to illustrate the point.. that if you allow other people to force their reality on you.., they will.., there's a constant tug-of-war.. if you let go of the rope.., then you're letting the other person win.. But the point is not to win the game of "tug-of-war".., but not bother playing it to begin with.. When you can smell motives & intent in others.., their opinions count for nothing.., their external reality is meaningless to you.. "other people's opinions of you don't matter".., because these are no longer objective and unbiased opinions.., there is a motive attached..

The first step to change.., in knowing how to not let any meaningless distractions come in the way of the change you want to see for yourself.., and a fundamental belief to that is.. "other people's opinions of me don't matter".., they really don't.. not just negative opinions.., but positive opinions.., because very rarely will you get either one.. without some underlying motive or intention attached.., therefore.., very rarely will anyone's opinion of you hold any real meaning or truth.. therefore it can be ignored..

The change you want to see for yourself.., is something completely internal.., it's not something others can give you.., and therefore it's not something you should look for.. others to give you.., they can't.., only you can be the cause for the change you want to see for yourself.. anything else is not really change.., it's an "act"..

Best,

GrkScorp