My BF talking with another girl? Please help!

[frecklesinourIs]

So I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months. Im 23 and he is 27, so I would say we're both pretty experienced in having relationships.

The other night I got ahold of some messages he was sending back and forth with an old friend on his on myspace.

Im editing some of it out because it is very long, but prior to this they were joking about how they used to talk about getting married.

Her: Did you feel weird after not seeing me for so long? I did. I don't know what it is about us. We just seem to go right back to where we left off. I know that it will eventually happen! You'll see. Hopefully your girlfriend doesn't get too into the idea that you may marry her! It won't happen!

Him: yeah it felt a lil wierd. a small tiny part of me wanted to...umm...you know. but it wouldve been stupid to try and i knew that, so i didnt.

Her: Wanted to what? Stop beating around the bush. Why would you have been stupid to try?

Him: for a laundry list of reasons. my girlfriend, your boyfriend, the fact i havent seen you in forever, not knowing what you would do or how you would react...

Her: I know. For some reason you always do this to me. I don't know what it is. I am not sure if it is just our long history or what but we can never seem to get it right. Oh, and by the way, my having a boyfriend and you having a girlfriend has never been a factor. Let's not forget our counseling days. I can't believe it took us that long to do it!

Him: haha yeah

Her: It's ok, no offense, but I think I am hotter than your girlfriend! She is cute though. Oh well, we will figure things out. We always do. When are we going to go out and have some real fun?

Him: I dunno...

Her: Well then, I guess we go back to you suck!

Him: sorry...oh, and my girlfriend is beautiful!

Her: she is cute

Him: she is mad at me for some reason...

The conversation continues with her asking him if she can console him, he ends up just cutting off the conversation. In which he tells me later that he deleted her off his myspace.


So my concern is because he said that a part of him wanted to do stuff... I confronted him about the whole thing.

He swore that the conversation was them just joking and it wasnt going to go beyond myspace... that he never planned on doing anything with her.

When I first read this conversation, I pretty much told him he needs to be single, or at least to go get with that girl cos Im not going to sit around while he cheats on me. After I said that... he swore over and over he wants to be with me, he doesnt want to be single and free to sleep with who ever and that she means nothing to him, that he was just joking, just being stupid. This actually happened last thursday, and we have talked more than few times about this. Every time he just cried the entire time and swore he never planned to cheat on me, that I am his world. He hadnt left his house since I threatened to break it off with him. I ended up going there yesterday and talking to him, I went there without any definte feeling. Had he cheated on me, I could break it off no problem. But I dont know how to take this situation. A part of me wants to forgive him... wants to see where this could go. But another part of me... the part I usually listen to... says no. He is no good, and that he will just find craftier ways of cheating on me.

Part of our converstations were over myspace because I was crying so hard I refused to talk to him on the phone...
He sent me about a million messages that were pretty much of this nature:

Me: then why would you say those sort of things?
if im so special... you wouldnt say things like that to other girls...
if you're single you can go do whatever and whoever you want
wouldnt that make you happier?

Him: no no no no it would make me miserable. you are what i want, all that i ever wanted. i dont know what i was thinking, joking with her like that. it was so stupid, but it was just joking. you are so special and so amazing to me, and it would destroy me to not have you in my life. i need you, and i promise to never say anything liek that ever again. whatever i have to do to show you you are far and away the only girl for me, thats what i'll do. just say it.

others went like: i care about you so much...more than you know...and i just hope and pray that you believe me when i say i never intended to do anything and those few emails were it. nothing more was GOING to be done or even said. please believe me...i cant bear to lose you. please give me a chance to prove my dedication to you. i know thats tough to say right now, but i AM committed to you and dedicated to making us work. i ****ed up once. im sorry. but i will never EVER cheat on you. ever.

or

im so sorry...i hope you know that ive been agonizing for two days over this, just like you. please dont let myfive minutes of stupidity ruin what we've built for four incredible months. i dont think i could take that. i am more committed to you know than ever. i wont give up on you, i wont stop proving to you that you are the only girl in my life.


The converstations we had over and phone and in person were all pretty much the same, me crying and saying I dont want to be cheated on and trying to "set him free" and him crying saying that he doesnt want that. He wants to be with me. I called his sister, because we're friends and she said she was at a loss for words as to why he would do this, he said that he told her that he wants to be with me "indefinitely" and that he has told her that he loves me, although he has only ever hinted that he loves me when he is drunk, so that was news to me.

All this is pretty much the same thing he said to me the last 3 days... unforunately for situations like these... we work together... in different departments and at work he kept trying to talk to me, and when we did talk for 5 minutes he just cried and cried... trying to hold my hand and swearing to me that i was the only one he wants in his life.

It is just so hard for me to understand why he would say or joke (??) about things like that, if the thought of us not being together could turn his world upside down like that...

[Mish]

Her: Did you feel weird after not seeing me for so long? I did. I don't know what it is about us. We just seem to go right back to where we left off. I know that it will eventually happen! You'll see. Hopefully your girlfriend doesn't get too into the idea that you may marry her! It won't happen!

Him: yeah it felt a lil wierd. a small tiny part of me wanted to...umm...you know. but it wouldve been stupid to try and i knew that, so i didnt.

Her: It's ok, no offense, but I think I am hotter than your girlfriend! She is cute though. Oh well, we will figure things out. We always do. When are we going to go out and have some real fun?

Him: I dunno...

These are the main points of concern that I found in this conversation. One was that a part of him wanted to get in contact with the girl and second was that he was still undecided about meeting up.

Her: Well then, I guess we go back to you suck!

Him: sorry...oh, and my girlfriend is beautiful!

The conversation continues with her asking him if she can console him, he ends up just cutting off the conversation. In which he tells me later that he deleted her off his myspace.

However, in your bfs defence he clearly defends you when his ex tried to make herself seem better looking than you and he did cut the conversation off and blocked her afterwards. So even though he committed an offence, in my mind I think he made up for it in the end. From what I can see, his ex is the one doing most of the offending.

So my concern is because he said that a part of him wanted to do stuff... I confronted him about the whole thing.

He swore that the conversation was them just joking and it wasnt going to go beyond myspace... that he never planned on doing anything with her.

Well I guess the question comes back to you, how much do you trust him? Is this it for you? Is something like this enough for you to not trust him anymore? And in general, is your trust easily broken?

A part of me wants to forgive him... wants to see where this could go. But another part of me... the part I usually listen to... says no. He is no good, and that he will just find craftier ways of cheating on me.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, it's a testament of a well developed and strong character. Being able to forgive (when forgiveness can be justified) means that we are strong in spirit and our love is abundant. It means we are not easily hurt by mistakes of others. It means we are not vengeful, or spiteful, or jealous, or suffering from low confidence / low self esteem.

How certain are you that after this event he will still go out and cheat on you? Given that he did committ an offence, yet did all in his power to make up for it.

[Kromat]

Has he always been a flirt with every women he meets?, and that makes you uncomfortable.
He needs to grow up and stop playing around all the time.
I guess this is why keeping in touch with the ex is bad news for everyone, you start to get mixed messages about your relationship, and it ends because of a gut feeling.

Get yourself a regular guy that isn't too flirty, has confidence and knows how to make you laugh, and have a good time.

[frecklesinourIs]

well i know that this is not an ex of his... but from the sounds of it they have fooled around in the past... like years and years ago. but i dont know that it really changes anything, he told me the reason he even got into contact with her is because he hosts a church camp and he wanted her to be a counsler there.

but im not sure if that really changes anything tho...

[Gigabitch]

You have to make a decision right this minute to forgive him or not and go with it, because your punishment is causing terrible damage to your relationship. From what I read, he didn't do anything wrong, and this is coming from someone who is quite possessive and jealous. STOP making him cry. This is becoming about you and how you treat him- it's not even about the MySpace conversation any more.

IMO, the ex sounds like a bit of a skanky whore- suggesting that they cheat and making it clear that they've done it in the past. I can see how you'd be worried, but you're taking it way too far and you're going to push him right into her arms if you don't get a hold of yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you should just tell him outright that his ex sounds like a pathetic attention-seeking bitch who has no self-respect to go chasing after him when she knows he has you. Tell HIM that you don't think much of the fact that he responds to it like he's her little bitch. He's feeding her beast & he should stop. That should also make him realize about his own beast, BTW, tho I wouldn't mention it directly.

Don't even mention her pathetic attempts to compare you. To do so is stooping to her level. There will ALWAYS be some other gal who is prettier/smarter/whatever. This isn't about who is any of those things, its about who respects boundaries & themselves. Guys (decent ones anyway) respect self-respect & class. Show some & I wouldn't worry, even if he should leave for her (which he won't) b/c in that case, you aren't losing anything worth keeping anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

IMO, the ex sounds like a bit of a skanky whore- suggesting that they cheat and making it clear that they've done it in the past. I can see how you'd be worried, but you're taking it way too far and you're going to push him right into her arms if you don't get a hold of yourself.

I agree w/the skanky whore part but disagree w/the fact she should tiptoe around to avoid pushing him to her. He's a thinking adult who should be able to see the situation for what it is. If he's dumb enough to go to her, let him.

I'm a big believer in giving ppl enough rope to hang themselves once my opinion on a subject has been stated clearly. Think of this as a opportunity to learn something very important about your BF.

[frecklesinourIs]

Update:

I have decided to give him a second chance.

I did tell him many timeS and in many different ways that he has the option of being single. I offered still having my friendship, I tried to give him any way out I could think of if he wants to be with her OR anyone else for that matter. But when I gave him that option... it just upset him more saying that Im all that he wants. That he doesnt want to be with her. Im honestly nervous about giving him that chance, because I have been cheated on before, and it is horrible.

P.S. I like your idea on giving someone enough rope to hang themselves... I agree that if he does go for her, he wasnt worth keeping anyway, I guess Im just scared of him trying to play both of us...