Eternal Frustration of a Flawed Personality

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I don't typically venture into Dating Talk let alone post in it let alone make a new topic in it, but I need to get this out. It seems as though when I become attracted to someone I get excited about liking them then end up inevitably boosting my hopes to impossible heights and tear them down using my own system to find some way to convince myself it will NEVER work. This has always been the way of things. I broke my heart over this girl that I've become really attracted to yet she doesn't even have a clue that I'm into her at all. When it comes down to it I always know the logical thing to do, just tell her. However I just worry so much of the bad and never see the good adding up. Personally, I don't see the point. By now I've had so many traumatic sexual experiences that I've become entirely uncomfortable even thinking about ever being in one again. I want so earnestly to pop the vow of celibacy and let it all no longer be a part of life for me. But however much I want to just rid myself of relationships forever, there's always a huge part of me that wants someone. It's a huge character flaw and one I would really rather be able to ignore, but alas I'm doomed to be a mistake. I don't really need advice or anything, just glad if anyone takes the time to read all this but my threads typically go unread.

[Innova]

Well I'll read it, and I'll try to get bck to ya on this one later, I have to get ready to go to my classes right now.

[Breezy18]

wow, do I relate! I have a similar scenario with any guy that I find interesting. I go through the excitement of infatuation, to the anxiety of why he won't like me, then ultimately finding a problem with "us" and break it off. All this without him ever knowing I even like him! But I'm older than you and have "time-honoured wisdom".........yeah right! It all stems, for me, from a low self image I think. It must! Although I've always thought myself pretty decent in most respects. By your own admission you don't seem to have a problem with intimacy so it must be something else. I wish I could offer you a word of advice. Just know that I'm hoping everything will turn our alright for you. This relationship thing is hard. I find it much more satisfying to be really good friends with the opposite sex. You can flirt without the worry of being rejected, and still gain the validation you seek or rather need. Although I do miss that sexual connection............

[Zekk_T_Strife]

To be quite honest I feel that I very well may have an issue with intimacy. Basically I've had about half a dozen experiences where I get attached to someone, we get right up to the point of having sex and they always stop it. It's not easy for me to go through that kind of emotion and be rejected at my most vulnerable of times. It's happened more times than I like to remember. I also agree with you that it's easier to be in a friendship that in a relationship, but then when they tell me of their recent sexual exploits it makes me feel so awful. Almost as though I'm only friends with them, but then this person is important enough to be in the most intimate of situations with them. It all just hurts a lot and I have no clue how to keep dealing with it over and over, does it ever stop?

[sfalexi]

To be quite honest I feel that I very well may have an issue with intimacy.

Do me a favor and consider this too. Do you think maybe it could also be a sort of "self-defense" mechanism to keep from getting hurt? Maybe you experienced so much pain that you inadvertantly come up with reasons to STOP yourself from asking her out just to spare yourself any pain later on. Just something to munch on (maybe that could be a part? I don't know, cause I don't know you, but it sounds like it could be a part)

Basically I've had about half a dozen experiences where I get attached to someone, we get right up to the point of having sex and they always stop it.

Well, what has happened afterwards? Do you continue dating or do you feel that the relatoinship is ended? Maybe if you kept going they would eventually feel ready to do so. Also, maybe you can try to just enjoy the non-sex part. It can suck not finally getting there, but maybe it'll keep your mind off of it if instead of saying, "I might get laid tonight" you just say, "I'm gonna get some action tonight".

I also agree with you that it's easier to be in a friendship that in a relationship, but then when they tell me of their recent sexual exploits it makes me feel so awful. Almost as though I'm only friends with them, but then this person is important enough to be in the most intimate of situations with them.

Yeah. That sucks. If I get really annoyed at hearing about all the shit they're doing with OTHER PEOPLE I just tell them. "Hey, spare me the details, allright?" "How about next time you just say, 'I had a great date' and let me fill in the blanks?"

It all just hurts a lot and I have no clue how to keep dealing with it over and over, does it ever stop?

For most people it stops at some point. Look around at all the people that are in happy relatoinships (not just your age, just in the world in general). The cycle stopped with them so the good news is that the odds are for you in this cycle eventually stopping. Also, this is the reason that some people put up a "barrier" around their emotions, making sure not to get too emotionally attached until they feel safe enough. Sometimes it can't be helped, and maybe you're not the person that can do this, but it might be an option. I remember one girl telling me that she hates dating guys that "wear their heart right out there on their sleeve" because if soemthing doesnt' work out, they've already set themselves up for a huge heartbreak.

Alexi

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Well alexi, I think it really could be a defense mechanism. I've referred to it as that before when explaining it to someone else. It's the only way I know to keep from getting hurt too badly is just not to even get into anything at all. People always say "but then you don't know if something wonderful could've happened." I have NEVER had anything that could be taken as a decent relationship in my life. I know nothing of happiness with another person. Even if something great were to happen, I don't know if I'd be able to accept something so radically different from what I've ever experienced. As far as what happens after my sexual rejections, we stay friends. Even if the relationship deteriorates (as it always does inevitably anyway) I always make sure I take all of the blame so I can still be best of friends with my ex's. If they're able to lift all blame from their shoulders and know that I'm willing to take the full burden I find it makes their lives easier and they don't have bitter feelings about what happened between us. Just my method I suppose.

[Killerbabe]

Hey Zekky, I think that you are indeed very close to popping the celibacy vow and actually I think it's a good thing. I could've had numerous frustrating sexual relationships by now, but fortunately I haven't had one (yet), because I was kinda prude and then I just got lucky with my boyfriend. The thing is to try to make it work for once with a girl you're interested/infatuated/in love with, taking things once at a time to avoid unnecessary heartbreak. You never know, and you've got no right to rob yourself of the greatest thing on earth - love. After all, you even realize it (at least your heart/mind does by aching for someone to share your life with).

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I may be aching for it, I may be yearning for it, I may be NEEDING it, but who's to say that's written for me? It's hard to feel as though anything spectacular can happen after so many bad experiences. I'm not even sure I would know how to love.

[jane]

Zekk,
We have had this convo before and I agree with Killa.. you are indeed embarking on that step. It seems that even the best relationships, even tho based on good intentions, may never lead to what you want to get out of them. I think before you can even think about a relationship, there are things within yourself that need to be delt with and sorted out.
Relationships are hard enough to handle without intmacy issues. You are a sweet and kind man with a heart of gold. I hope for your sake to achieve your long standing dreams of children, that you can over come this obstical that holds you back from exploring the true and nurturing you. I know from experience how kind hearted and sensitive you are. Once you deal with your so called."character flaw", which I dont believe is a flaw at all, I hope that you will freely open your heart to a person who will let you be you and protect you from the hidden walls you say you love to hide behind. Just remember, love is a regret when the risk isnt taken.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

So what would you all recommend I do? I know I started this thread saying that I wasn't really looking for advice but I could really use some.

[squirrley]

Zekk-Ive been there for 5 years. Leaving out relationships and anything to deal with them period. But over the last year Ive found that I do want to be with someone. What you have going on is like what has been described "defense mechanism". When you leave yourself in that closed in box...you avoid the pain that could happen. Its easier NOT to be involved. But you have to find your way out buddy. Its not healthy(had a VERY smart man tell me so). You are too young to allow yourself to stay in that box.

Take yourself and find who you are...what youre strengths are and live on those...find your weakness' if you have any and turn them around to positive attributes. When you find yourself happy as the person you want to be-the rest can be easy. People will see who YOU really ARE!!! And will be attracted to you! You give off the sense of security within yourself and its a plus.

I think you already know where you want to go in life...and know yourself for the most part-its getting over this bump in the road and moving forward! Take baby steps...one thing at a time. And the next relationship you'll be in should be a very healthy one!

Goodluck-and ask her out!! Take a chance...

[jane]

you know that you are so special to me.. if there was a way that I could make this all disappear I would. You have a heart of gold.. you just need to let your self feel.
"she" is out there.. let go and let your self take it all in..

[MVPlaya]

I don't typically venture into Dating Talk let alone post in it let alone make a new topic in it, but I need to get this out. It seems as though when I become attracted to someone I get excited about liking them then end up inevitably boosting my hopes to impossible heights and tear them down using my own system to find some way to convince myself it will NEVER work. This has always been the way of things. I broke my heart over this girl that I've become really attracted to yet she doesn't even have a clue that I'm into her at all. When it comes down to it I always know the logical thing to do, just tell her. However I just worry so much of the bad and never see the good adding up. Personally, I don't see the point. By now I've had so many traumatic sexual experiences that I've become entirely uncomfortable even thinking about ever being in one again. I want so earnestly to pop the vow of celibacy and let it all no longer be a part of life for me. But however much I want to just rid myself of relationships forever, there's always a huge part of me that wants someone. It's a huge character flaw and one I would really rather be able to ignore, but alas I'm doomed to be a mistake. I don't really need advice or anything, just glad if anyone takes the time to read all this but my threads typically go unread.

Wow, we really are opposites Zekk, just look at my post, we have the exact opposite problem. Anyway, what I sense to some extent is a form of insecurity. Generally, guys who get attracted to girls quickly and then violently tear these women off of the pedestals they just build up don't have a lot of experience, or the majority of it is not successful. Its all a numbers game, experiment, and learn to be accepting of yourself and others.

[IceQueen]

Zekk
Determine the qualities you are looking for. Then only go for it if the object has such qualities. Your problem is that you expect it to be just *anyone* (who is reasonably smart and looks good), and it's not really even supposed to work between *any* two people.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Yeah, and I know. I think sometime I just hope so much that this one will work out that I hope so much everytime that I almost try to force the impossible to work out. I am a fool of fools.