Advice for a girl and her potential first boyfriend

[jings]

Hey everyone,

I met this fantastic guy after a concert we both attended about 2 months ago. He gave me his number and we've been in contact ever since. So far we've caught up twice. The first time was a casual coffee/chat/getting-to-know-you type thing. The other time was last week when we went out for dinner (he paid) and a movie, though no kissing was involved. We'll probably be catching up in the near future.

Both times we have gotten on really well. The thing is, I've never had a boyfriend and I know he's single. So I'm a bit clueless when it comes to dating. I like this guy a lot, so I was wondering how I could indicate to him that I want things to go further? Should I make the first move? I don't want to seem to clingy if it's too early in the game.

Some advice would really be appreciated!

[vashti]

When he tries to put his hand down your pants or feel you up, you can just tell him you only plan to engage in that behavior with guys your are in a relationship with.

(and only then when you are a responsible adult who can deal with any negative consequences that may arise.)

[1averagejoe]

lol...vashti

Bite the lower lip and look deeply into his eyes, add a hug in there as well. That was enough of a sign for me to make a move.

[misombra]

how much further do you want to go?

[jings]

^^ Well, I suppose I want to establish whether he feels the same way about me. And then move onto kissing and what not and kind of make it official that we're dating.

[GrkScorp]

The thing is, I've never had a boyfriend and I know he's single. So I'm a bit clueless when it comes to dating. I like this guy a lot, so I was wondering how I could indicate to him that I want things to go further? Should I make the first move? I don't want to seem to clingy if it's too early in the game.

Fair question.., reasonable.., you don't want to feel like you're walking on thin ice.., in the dark.., without a clue of what could happen next.., it's not a nice feeling..

So your real question is.., "what steps can I take.., to take things further?"

There are so many models you can test.., so many routes you can take.., some will work.., others won't.., and for their own reasons.., only experience can show you that.., trial and error.., but you want to avoid that.., and get strait to the point.., that's why you're here.., obviously..

Step 1: This might seem obvious.., but the guy has to like you.., if you say things are going well.., then things are going well.., if he likes you.., he has motivation to take things further.., or comply with you wanting to take things further..

So then.., let me think.., if I was a girl.., what would I think.., what would I think about a guy who hasn't made a move on me yet.., but liked me? "maybe he doesn't like me".., that's one thing I would think.., and then the other thing I would think.., when the guy who also likes me doesn't take the next step.., "He seems nice, funny, interesting. I wish he'd take things further... Oh, he's nervous... how cute. Well, if he can't get up the nerve to take things further, then I'm not going to overcome his inner WUSSY and do it for him. Poor thing"..

But it's only so long until the girl will realize that these excuses don't hold much truth to them..

So what does a guy think? "Maybe she doesn't like me".., yes.., the doesn't-like-me dilemma.., fine.., but beyond that.., as a guy who has been socially programmed with PG-13 crap his whole life.., there are all these restrictions and limitations in place when it comes to girls.., you can't do this.., you have to do that.., you can't be this way.., you have to take things slow.., it's her choice.., when she's ready.., she'll let you know.., but you should also be able to tell on your own without her having to tell you.., right! check! got it! So as a guy.., you're stuck there.., thinking.., "I want to take things further.., but what if.., it's not the right thing to do? what if she's not ready? what if she wants things to take place differently? what if she wants to let me know instead of me taking that step? what if this.., what if that? I don't want to come off the wrong way.., I don't want to seem like i'm not a gentleman.., blah blah blah.., social pressure"

Similarly.., it won't be long until the guy sticks the finger at the conservative and backwards society that installed all this bullsh*t in his mind.., and starts to get comfortable with the idea that.., "hey.., it's ok.., she wants to go further.., there are women out there.., on forums.., posting about how to actually have guys take things further.., so fcuk society.., the world isn't PG-13.., it's ok to take things further"

To that i'm going to say.., revert back to Step 1.., is the other person interested? If yes.., then it doesn't matter "who" takes things further.., (unless you're insecure.., and you need to feel your ego validated somehow.., but that's not you.., you're just new.., and that's ok.., everyone starts from somewhere)

So i'll now tell you what I tell all my strait female friends.., and will tell my daughters one day.., (if I have daughters):

There are 9 steps to dating.., here they are:

1. Meeting someone new
2. Contact information
3. Contact
4. Date request
5. First physical contact
6. First kiss
7. Intimate/Private setting
8. Sexual physical contact
9. Sex

In each step.., yes.., it's nice.., to just wait there.., for the guy to make the transition from step 1.., all the way through step 9.., we all want that.., we all want to feel like we have the option to reject and say "no" at any given point.., we all want to feel that this other person is making this step and taking the effort to get through each transition.., because they like us.., at each step it's nice to see time and time again that the other person is interested in us.., awww.., but it's also selfish.., greedy and thoughtless to not do anything to convey the same back to the other person.., and as the process of dating is being analyzed.., and as more people are talking about it.., and the newer generation of men start to become more socially aware about the dynamics behind it.., you start to see more of this:

Guy approaches girl.., starts talking.., they have a great time talking.., he leaves.., and never asks for her contact info.., The girl is totally clueless.., she thinks.., (1). "I guess he didn't like me" or (2). "I guess he was just too shy to ask".., it never occurs to her that most likely the case was (3). "He has enough respect for himself to not sit there and have to go through each step on his own.., he started step 1 witch is arguably the most risky.., it's not at all too much to ask of you now to offer your contact info without having to ask for it.., to show him that you did in fact enjoy talking to him.., if you don't ask.., then you've just demonstrated to him that you're still an immature little insecure girl who is still there waiting for a guy to do everything.., but he's not going to be that guy.., so that's why he didn't bother to ask you for your contact info"

Or worse.., guy approaches.., asks for contact info because he feels that the girl didn't get the hint.., and then the girl doesn't bother to call him.., because she's waiting for him to call her.., he thinks.., "ok.., I know she likes me.., but is her ego that big.., that she can't find it within herself to show some token respect and call me back.., knowing that I initiated the approach.., and additionally.., asked for her contact info?"

The message it sends to the average guy is.., "she's not interested".., but the message it sends to a guy who knows better is.., "she's still immature and waiting for the guy do get from step 1 to step 9.., she has some growing up to do to get from being a girl to being a woman.."

And that's ok.., it's not easy going from little girl.., to mature woman.., but as you put your need to feel loved and be 2,000% certain of someone's interest in you aside.., and as you grow more secure and confident in yourself and how others feel towards you.., you'll know when.., and how.., to transition from step 1 to step 9.., by yourself.. (but the goal is not to do it by yourself.., waiting for the other person to do everything is being immature and selfish.., but doing everything yourself is being desperate and having no respect for yourself.., the goal is for it to be 50/50.., when you think about it.., it's romantic.., there are 9 steps GrkScorp.., how the hell can it be 50/50.., that's easy.., because the last step is sex.., and there's nothing romantic about two people if the last step isn't mutual)

So.., given what you've mentioned.., do you hopefully see what the next step is? You've moved past approach.., past contact info.., past contact.., past date request.., now it's time for first physical contact and familiarity with touch..

Up until now.., who has been responsible for transitioning through Steps 1-4? Who has been the one to make the effort and take any "risk" to transition through those steps? Has it been you? That's just something to think about..

How to transition to first physical contact and familiarity with touch:

Keep things simple.., it's not rocket science..

- Kissing on the cheek when you first meet.., and when you leave
- Hugging (don't overlook hugs.., guys aren't just ok with hugs.., they like hugs too)
- Play touching (hitting.., poking.., tickling "this is why guys tickle girls btw")
- Comfort touching (holding hands.., sitting next to eachother so that you're touching.., resting on him)
- Green-lights (guys are like drivers on the road that have somewhere to be and are already 15 minutes late.., if they see a green-light.., what do you think they're going to do? I'll tell you what an interested guy would do.., he would take it.., explained below)

Green-lights and touch tests:

Generally speaking.., guys don't approach women they're not interested in.., they don't ask for contact info from women they're not interested in.., they don't contact women they're not interested in.., they don't go on dates with women they're not interested in.., they don't kiss women they're not interested in.., they don't have sex with women they're not interested in.., and this also includes.., not touching women they're not interested in.., they may want to do all of that.., but they may not feel comfortable doing it yet.., and it can actually be to no fault of their own.., it's very easy and simple to send the message "it's ok.., it's not weird.., be comfortable with touching"

- Ask him to try some food.., and then ask to feed it to him
- Ask him to feed you
- Tell him your neck hurts and ask for a massage
- Ask him if he thinks you have smooth skin (make sure he feels it)
- Ask to see if he's ticklish (touch him.., tickle him)
- Learn reflexology and give him a massage
- Learn palmistry and read his hand while holding it
- Hold his hand while crossing the street
- Lock your arms together while walking
- Share an umbrella under the rain

All of that helps build the vibe that.., "it's ok to be comfortable with touch.., it's no big deal".., and when you both grow comfortable to eachother's touch.., then it's time for the next step.., the first kiss.., yikes.., better leave that to him..

Best,

GrkScorp

[jings]

Woah dude, did you cut and past most of that? Thanks so much!

[Cain]

Grk's responses are too long.

It makes my eyes bleed.

[GrkScorp]

Woah dude, did you cut and past most of that? Thanks so much!

Click on my user name.., and take a look at my posts..

You're welcome.., and good luck with your guy..

Best,

GrkScorp