guys help...

[GrkScorp]

i might be stubborn but i am also thankful in meeting new people. meeting new people is not a problem with me. my problem is how to bring back the trust i used to give out easily before with no questions asked and stop myself from being defensive around them.

I've been reading a couple of scripts lately.., from couple's therapy sessions.., I would post up the links.., but you have to be a registered member of the site to view the articles.., (and registration isn't free).., so i'll just sum them up..

The first one is about semen being amazing for a woman's skin.., if you've ever wondered why some guys have such soft hands.., then wonder no more!



Ok.., that wasn't really an article..

Both articles are about men.., it doesn't mean that it's any different for women.., just that the person with trust issues here are men.., but it can work the same way.., and you'll see exactly how as you read on..

Article I:

Diagnosis: Man who has psychogenic erectile dysfunction caused by his belief that women in general consider "sex" to be a weapon they use on or against men.., either to get things.., or for control or power.., as a result.., he was unable to desire sex.., enjoy sex.., or maintain an erection during sex.., this was his mind's defensive reaction to a generalized belief he held true for all women

Facts: His previous relationships ended when his partners withheld sex or denied him because they.., felt angry at him.., felt upset.., wanted something from him.., tried to force him to marry them.., but his current girlfriend was actually interested in his sexual enjoyment.., and she was the one who insisted that he go see a therapist to improve his sexual desire and ability to enjoy sex..

In the early sessions.., the guy discovered the issue.., and admitted to himself that this was in fact what was holding him back.., yet he still didn't trust his current girlfriend.., so much so.., that he genuinely believed that she only brought him to these sessions so that he could start enjoying sex and that so then she could use it against him.., weeks later.., he started to realize what a horrible mistake he was making to think of his girlfriend that way.., during his next session.., he admitted that his girlfriend was a wonderful person.., that he felt horrible to even think of her as being someone selfish or manipulative.., that she was caring.., sensitive.., honest.., moral.., and more importantly.., he could trust her.., enough.., to open up.., and do what he felt and considered.., "being vulnerable" in front of her.., in the last session.., him and his girlfriend both came inside to thank the therapist and express how happy they both were.., they were now enjoying their sex life..

Article II:

Diagnosis: Man who is emotionally abusive towards his wife out of fear of her spending habits and financial behavior..

Facts: His mother was in massive credit card debt several times.., claiming it was depression.., his father had to satisfy over $18,000 of debt more than 3 times during their marriage before he made the difficult choice of getting divorced.., his wife was earning $40,000 a year.., he was earning $130,000 a year and paying for all household expenses.., she had been in similar financial trouble and he had to help settle her credit card debt twice.., when she wanted to start a family.., he refused.., worried that he would want a divorce.., (and may I add.., instead of getting pregnant).., she suggested therapy..

During therapy.., the guy admitted that he didn't trust her.., that she had no idea how to manage money.., that "other women raise entire families on her salary.., and she can't even survive on her own without his help".., she admitted that she also had a spending problem that she had to work on.., but that she was willing to work on it.., after some more sessions.., his wife was taking classes in personal finance and seeing a separate therapist for impulsive shopping.., after his wife had made considerable progress.., he was still not willing to trust her with money despite seeing her clear up her credit card debt on her own and have a zero balance.., and despite seeing her open up and maintain a savings account of her own (something she had never even had before).., his therapist ordered him to give her $500 each month and see what she does with it.., she spent $300 for things for the house.., $100 for things on him.., and saved the remainder.., by the last sessions.., she was pregnant.., they had made the choice to start a family together.., and he had let her know.., that if she wanted to stop working.., she could.., and that he was more than happy to take care of everything and give her as much as she wanted each month.., yet she chose to keep working after the baby..

Now.., believe me.., I did my best to summarize pages upon pages of content.., but I think all the important information is there..

Both of those cases have three things in common:

- Historical pattern that is held firmly in place to represent the truth about the present or future
- Lack of opening up and exposing one's self to see that it's safe to trust
- After opening up and realizing that it's safe to trust the other person.., seeing the outcome they wanted to enjoy all along..

Both men waited.., and waited.., and waited.., to find something in the other person that would make them feel safe.., that would make them feel ready to trust them.., when all it took.., was opening up.., being slightly vulnerable.., exposing themselves.., only to find out.., that they could trust their girlfriends or wives.., and enjoy what they wanted to enjoy with them..

With people.., and not just men you're interested in.., but with people in general.., that's exactly what has to take place! You can't have trust.., you can't truly feel safe or trust the other person.., until you open up to them.., put yourself in a vulnerable position.., expose yourself and maybe your weaknesses.., and see that they don't hurt you or take advantage of them..

Is it risky? You bet it is.., but it's less risky when you're a good judge of character.., unless you're not completely certain yet of how well you judge character in others.., and if you're uncertain of that.., then it's understandable why you're unsure.., and when you feel unsure.., the smallest risk may seem monumental..

My own two cents on this is:

1. Talk to people
2. When you do.., start off small
3. Invest emotionally on little things
4. Build up with being open and less guarded until you feel comfortable
5. At the same time.., see if they make you feel any reason to justify feeling guarded or defensive
6. If they do.., then just stop talking! (there's no reason to interact with someone you can't be yourself with.., unless you're an actor!)
7. If you notice yourself feeling comfortable.., then just allow yourself to open up more and more until you find yourself feeling safe with this person and enjoy that feeling with them.., and if you have to give that feeling a name.., you can call it "trust".., I call it "Bob".., but must people like the sound of "trust" better..



Best,

GrkScorp

[jinx343]

shit you didn't thank my last post.. that's the last of the advice that you'll ever get from me.

raverboy

damn.. and i thought you were complaining that i thanked all the posters! that's why i didnt click your "thanks" button.

[Illusional]

where is my negative thanks button??

raverboy

[jinx343]

yeah.. admin, where is it?!?!?

[IndiReloaded]

Would you really be able to appreciate or even understand the lesson any other way? It's hard to know until you live through it.

That's the great thing about Life's Hard Lessons. No matter how painful or uncomfortable, it *still* beats the alternative...

"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it.... always look on the bright side of life..."

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo"]YouTube - Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life[/ame]

[GrkScorp]

[jinx343]

grk.. thanks again for that helpful post...and for those hilarious pics (how many times have i said that about it ?!) love them all the time..

[jinx343]

indie.. that was a funny video .. with good lyrics though love the tune.. lalalalala....though i dunno where i have heard that tune before.. tv ad perhaps..

[Illusional]

yeah.. admin, where is it?!?!?

are you referring to me?? because i'm not the administrator.

raverboy

[jinx343]

are you referring to me?? because i'm not the administrator.

raverboy

not you obviously...

are you drunk again!?!?!

[Illusional]

not you obviously...

are you drunk again!?!?!

not yet, but i'm going to the fridge right now to grab my beer.

raverboy

[jinx343]

good.. u need lots of it... first gulp, mine! mwuahahahahaha!

[1averagejoe]

not yet, but i'm going to the fridge right now to grab my beer.

raverboy

Calm down there...it's only tuesday.






Wait till tomorrow.

[jinx343]

too late AJ.. raver wont listen anyway..fo him any day is drinking day..i bet he's drunk now...hehe

[Illusional]

shiet.. you posted that last post 6 mintues later... i probably was only on my second beer. c'mon.

raverboy