Turn One night stand into a Relationship?

[questiongirl]

Hi, I had a one night stand with a man I just met last Saturday. I got very drunk, he had to carry me into a cab, but I could feel that he was rubbing my hair very gentlely, and kissing my forehead on the way. We had sex at his place, we kissed a lot. Afterwards, he cuddled with me, rubbed my hair, kissed my forehead, and we talked. He repeatedly said we're going to see each other again, he asked me what I plan on doing the next day I said I needed to do some work which hinted that I'll not see him. The next morning I insisted on leaving early cuz I couldn't fall asleep in his bed. The night before he left his car key with me, I wanted to give it back to him, he says he'll just get it later when he sees me again, so I still have his car key(he has another one). He aslo says he wants to go to this concert with me this Saturday which I agreed.

I didnt care too much for him in the beggining, cuz he's 7 yrs older than me, I also said sth. like I'm having fun dating around, I'm hanging out with this younger guy, blah, blah....which I regret now. We parted Sunday morning, now is Tuesday morning, no calls from him at all. Why? How do I remedy the bad impression I left if I want to have a relationship with him? I kind of miss him now.

[lesa]

I am just going to copy and paste some things I said in another thread...it may pertain in your situation as well.

Before I post it, I want to mention that being the casual girl is going to be difficult to remove out of a man's mind. You must somehow show that you are relationship material and communicating your expectations can possibly turn this around (if that is what HE wants, too).

Here is the post below:


This is how I see relationships and communication. Yes. it if difficult to have that “talk” but really the talk doesn’t pressure him to do anything. It is used to determine if you guys expect the same things. Would you rather continue the relationship as is and hope or assume that he wants the same things? Do you know if he wants a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship or only a physical relationship? If you do not communicate your expectations early on, you two are going to have MUCH MORE conflict later. If he says no to a relationship, then good…you found out very soon that he was not what YOU WANT. You cannot convince him to have a serious, committed relationship with you and you cannot assume he will give it to you eventually. You are not giving him a commitment by telling him what you want in a relationship. On the contrary, if you two do not communicate your expectations early on, then you WILL scare him off because you could have different expectations about the relationship and he WILL feel pressured if you just go with the flow assuming he wants the same things.

Imagine dating a man and you two have a great time together…have casual sex, wine and dine, go dancing etc. In his mind, you are his woman and he behaves accordingly. You, on the other hand, have no desire for a committed relationship…you are just enjoying this short term relationship but you are not ready to commit to one man yet. He’s your “for now boyfriend” until someone better comes along. However, he tells you that he loves you and that he sees a long future with you. He tells all his friends and family that you are in a serious relationship, etc. etc. You, on the other hand, just wanted to go on few more dates with him and have a casual relationship. You have even developed an interest in another man that you feel is more compatible….someone you see as relationship material. Now, you feel horrible…you feel pressured, you feel negative and not positive about this man confessing his deepest feelings and making all those assumptions. You two argue. He gets emotional and you want to break it off right away. If you two had communicated your desires earlier then this scenario would have been minimized greatly. There is little benefit for you to just let it flow…you are going to disappoint yourself.

Do you want to keep dating him for years hoping he comes around? Meanwhile, he keeps telling you that he does not want a serious, committed relationship right now. That’s why I said that physical intimacy does not mean that you are in a relationship….going with the flow without communicating your needs will be a disaster. It will be difficult for him to see you as relationship material…you have to get that casual girl image out of his mind FAST if you want a long term, committed relationship with him. Find out if he is interested in a lover or possibly more than that. Simply tell him that you only want to continue the relationship if he doesn’t see other women, and only if he wants a relationship. See, saying that really won’t scare him away. In fact, if he feels the same then now he can feel more comfortable and confident that you two are in agreement.

[vashti]

Drop his key off to him. This will give him the opportunity to ask you out again, but don't be surpised if he doesn't. One-nighters usually don't turn into anything more. If he asks you out again, I would avoid sex for a while so he gets the idea he needs to take you seriously so you don't turn into his booty-call girl.

[JarrodHalsey]

It doesn't sound like you're too into him. Just sounds like you attracted to what you don't know about him because he is less available than the other guys you are dating. If you don't feel strongly enough to ask him out yourself, you're probably just not that into him.

[abetterus]

Hmmm kinda sounds like, by him not calling you have gained a small interest in him....I counsel lots of people on dating and one of the things that most do are go too overboard at first and drives the other person away...(too serious,too fast) so I usually advise them to NOT call back for at least three days after the first date...almost always gets the other person more interested in a second date if there was any connection at all....

[GrkScorp]

Simply tell him that you only want to continue the relationship if he doesn’t see other women, and only if he wants a relationship. See, saying that really won’t scare him away. In fact, if he feels the same then now he can feel more comfortable and confident that you two are in agreement.

I'm a big fan of lesa.., and I agree with the rest of that post.., up until my eyes struggled to stay open to that closing statement.., that's practically emotional extortion.., not a nice way to start off a relationship.., and definitely not a nice offer to make to him.., "well.., don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who is already making demands and telling you what she wants you to do.., rather than get you to feel the urge to want to do all that yourself without her having to tell you? what man doesn't want to be in that kind of relationship?" (no offense lesa)

When faced with a blunt comment like that.., you may find yourself to be in perfect agreement.., but impulsively disagree because it comes as a shock to you.., you feel pressured.., a good example would be.., the guy you've been checking out for the past month.., comes up to you and says.., "I don't mean to be rude.., but are you the girl who's been checking me out all of last month?".., you may by impulse freeze up and although you want to say "yes!".., you may find yourself saying something stupid you'll regret later like.., (after a full second pause) "I.., I.., I have no idea what you're talking about.., sorry".., and then have him walk away..

So.., you can take that one suggestion.., be blunt.., tell him strait up.., "I only want to continue the relationship if you don’t see other women, and only if you want a relationship".., that's a lose-lose statement.., and here's why:

1. He either gets the same impulsive reaction (defensive.., guarded.., denial).., or
2. He starts off the relationship for the "wrong" reasons.., (because all he wants is a casual relationship anyway.., and he still enjoys the casual relationship the two of you are having.., so you can say anything you want.., words are words.., when he gets bored.., you're out of the picture.., no matter what you may think you're getting him to agree to and hope to make him feel guilty for later on when you think you can hold it against him like he even cares)

So what other options do you have?



Basically.., doing what you're already doing right now.., "still getting to know each other"

But.., tell him that! Something like this: "Look.., I've been thinking about something lately.., and I just wanted to share it with you.., and it's something that would shock most guys.., I know.., but I also know that you're not most guys.., so i'll just tell you what it is.., and hopefully you won't take it the wrong way.., (start off with: "when we first met.." blah blah).., and the more we spent time together.., and got to know each other.., I got to know you better.., and the more I got to know you.., the more you became to me.., more than just this fun guy.., I started to like you.., to the point where I look at you now and think to myself.., wow.., I really like this guy.., and these feelings.., the way I feel about you.., is very real.., and that's why I wanted to share them with you.., now.., maybe you don't feel the same way about me yet.., hopefully you do.., I hope you do.., but it's ok if you don't.., as long as we're both honest.., and I came clean about how I feel for you.., because I trust you.., I know the kind of person you are.., and I know that I can trust you and that we can be this honest with each other.., I'm not looking for you to tell me how you feel right now.., right this moment.., but I am being honest.., and telling you.., that I like you.., and that I can see.., and would like.., both of us to be in a relationship together.., that you're more than a casual date in my eyes.., so much more.., and it's ok if you can't tell me right this moment.., but I do want you to tell me honestly.., if you do or don't feel the same way.., I want you to be just as honest with me.., if you feel the same way.., let me know.., if you don't.., that's ok.., but either way.., I want to know if I should let my feelings for us grow.., or if I should keep them under control so that they don't develop into anything more and I find myself hurt later on.., I don't want to sound like i'm forcing you to tell me right this moment.., but the sooner you tell me how you feel.., the better it is for both of us.."

There's no reason to result to something as low-class as using emotional extortion to get your way.., "If you don't do this.., then..".., or "I'm not going to do this until you start doing that..".., or.., "unless you do this.., then..".., men who tolerate it.., aren't strong characters (translation: push overs).., and you're not the only one who can easily have your way with them.., in general.., emotional extortion is just one of the many things on the long list of crap that guys aren't at all willing to tolerate.., if you start out.., proposing your offer to him.., pleading your case.., trying to sell the idea of a relationship to him in the following manner.., then to the educated male.., you've signaled to him.., given him a sneak-peak into how he can expect a relationship with you to be like.., and your offer becomes that much less attractive..

Believe me.., you know very well how you feel.., if you're having trouble articulating it.., sit down.., write it down.., get your ideas and feelings on paper.., just so that you can better understand exactly and everything you're feeling.., and when you do.., say it to him.., and you'll be amazed at how well he'll listen.., and understand exactly how you feel.. (because you fully expressed exactly how you feel)

When you make threats.., be it directly (I only want to continue the relationship if you don’t see other women, and only if you want a relationship.).., or indirectly (stop having sex until he "gets the hint" that he must be in a relationship with you or else..).., then everything else aside.., you present an ego challenge.., when he realizes what you're doing.., the last thing he wants.., is to be forced to do something he doesn't want to do.., against his free will.., or to feel pressured or manipulated.., and that's normal.., natural.., and perfectly right.., and rightfully so.., he'll reject a woman with that kind of behavior.., better early on.., than later on.., you've just demonstrated to him exactly the kind of woman you are.., which is exactly the kind of woman no man wants to deal with.., much less be in a relationship with..

If this is the kind of woman you are.., it's ok.., it's not the end of the world.., at least control yourself and play a different role until AFTER you marry him.., refuse to sign a prenup so that it's harder for him to divorce you once he finds out the kind of person you really are.., and then stop the act after the two of you are officially married.., don't feel guilty about it.., you're not going to be the first woman who's done this.., there have been so many before you that it's practically less deviant or morally wrong as a result of it's popularity..

But you can't force anyone to marry you.., or be in a relationship with you.., by emotional extortion.., that's like a man thinking that if he gets a woman nice things.., takes her to fancy places.., and spends a lot of money on her.., that he can get her to like him and be in a relationship with him.., "buy her love".., and both concepts are equally retarded..

Again.., it hurts me deeply to have to pick at lesa's post.., because the rest of it was great advice.., and i'm big on anything lesa has to say.., but maybe that's also an insight into the bigger issue here.., "expressing yourself & your message"

If you feel something.., know exactly what it is.., and entirely what it is you're feeling.., and then express that to him completely.., believe me.., he will listen and understand you.., if you want honesty.., that's the way to go about it..

Best,

GrkScorp

[lesa]

So.., you can take that one suggestion.., be blunt.., tell him strait up.., "I only want to continue the relationship if you don’t see other women, and only if you want a relationship".., that's a lose-lose statement.., and here's why:

1. He either gets the same impulsive reaction (defensive.., guarded.., denial).., or
2. He starts off the relationship for the "wrong" reasons.., (because all he wants is a casual relationship anyway.., and he still enjoys the casual relationship the two of you are having.., so you can say anything you want.., words are words.., when he gets bored.., you're out of the picture.., no matter what you may think you're getting him to agree to and hope to make him feel guilty for later on when you think you can hold it against him like he even cares)

So what other options do you have?

Wow, I will go back to reread that. I just wanted to quote this bit.

I agree that I would not put it in those exact words...that is more like what I was thinking. I would say, "I want an exclusive relationship and go with the flow" (and assess/decide how things are going.) These things do not occur on the first date, etc. but it starts early. If those are the only two options then fine "oh well". Hopefully there is another option that he can communicate his desire back to me. I give no ultimatums or emotional extortions. I am not tellling him to do anything. I am saying what I want (but my example was horrible). This statement is only for people who already know each other and have already dated for some time. I am not going to sleep with him and then expect him to get in a relationship with him..that to me, is emotional extortion and pressuring him. You two dated and slept with each other for months with one having the mindset of wanting a serious relationship and the other having the mindset of.....who knows?

In short my whole post was about making sure that the two are on the same page. You may just want me for a casual relationship only and all this time I wanted you for a serious relationship--expecting you to behave like you are in a serious relationship...disaster!

It is not to demand a relationship at that point with THAT person. You are only saying what you want (in life, if you will) and then go with the flow..deciding later whether you do or not.

I would flirt with the guy who asked me whether I was staring at him if I was doing it all that time.

[lesa]

How is telling someone what you want in a relationship in general an extortion? I am not forcing or demanding him to do anything. {Me: I am demanding and manipulating you to be in a serious relationship with me because that is what I want. What do you want? Really, you want a casual relationship? Oh, I am sorry but you have no choice but to agree or leave. If you don’t get in a serious relationship with me then I will end what we have now. Or, maybe we can stay but we will not continue with any physical intimacy until you change your mind and begin a serious relationship. Haha, I am powerful.} If stating what I want is defined as extortion then he wanting sex with whatever relationship he has in mind would also be defined as extortion. I just want to know what he has in mind and I do the same. Stating my wants in the beginning does not make him have my type of relationship with him. He can, however, manipulate me into thinking that he wants the same by agreeing with what I want. He should not agree at all. He should state what he wants and then we go with the flow if we desire. We can also change the status of our relationship but it’s better to communicate it to the partner and have them decide if he/she is in agreement or time to move on and end this relationship. It is called effective communication and understanding whether we are on the same page.

But.., tell him that! Something like this: "Look.., I've been thinking about something lately.., and I just wanted to share it with you.., and it's something that would shock most guys.., I know.., but I also know that you're not most guys.., so i'll just tell you what it is.., and hopefully you won't take it the wrong way.., (start off with: "when we first met.." blah blah).., and the more we spent time together.., and got to know each other.., I got to know you better.., and the more I got to know you.., the more you became to me.., more than just this fun guy.., I started to like you.., to the point where I look at you now and think to myself.., wow.., I really like this guy.., and these feelings.., the way I feel about you.., is very real.., and that's why I wanted to share them with you.., now.., maybe you don't feel the same way about me yet.., hopefully you do.., I hope you do.., but it's ok if you don't.., as long as we're both honest.., and I came clean about how I feel for you.., because I trust you.., I know the kind of person you are.., and I know that I can trust you and that we can be this honest with each other.., I'm not looking for you to tell me how you feel right now.., right this moment.., but I am being honest.., and telling you.., that I like you.., and that I can see.., and would like.., both of us to be in a relationship together.., that you're more than a casual date in my eyes.., so much more.., and it's ok if you can't tell me right this moment.., but I do want you to tell me honestly.., if you do or don't feel the same way.., I want you to be just as honest with me.., if you feel the same way.., let me know.., if you don't.., that's ok.., but either way.., I want to know if I should let my feelings for us grow.., or if I should keep them under control so that they don't develop into anything more and I find myself hurt later on.., I don't want to sound like i'm forcing you to tell me right this moment.., but the sooner you tell me how you feel.., the better it is for both of us.."

Here’s my quote with how your expression of your deepest feelings may be viewed by the other person:

On the contrary, if you two do not communicate your expectations early on, then you WILL scare him off because you could have different expectations about the relationship and he WILL feel pressured if you just go with the flow assuming he wants the same things.

Imagine dating a man and you two have a great time together…have casual sex, wine and dine, go dancing etc. In his mind, you are his woman and he behaves accordingly. You, on the other hand, have no desire for a committed relationship…you are just enjoying this short term relationship but you are not ready to commit to one man yet. He’s your “for now boyfriend” until someone better comes along. However, he tells you that he loves you and that he sees a long future with you. He tells all his friends and family that you are in a serious relationship, etc. etc. You, on the other hand, just wanted to go on few more dates with him and have a casual relationship. You have even developed an interest in another man that you feel is more compatible….someone you see as relationship material. Now, you feel horrible…you feel pressured, you feel negative and not positive about this man confessing his deepest feelings and making all those assumptions. You two argue. He gets emotional and you want to break it off right away. If you two had communicated your desires earlier then this scenario would have been minimized greatly. There is little benefit for you to just let it flow…you are going to disappoint yourself.

Now I feel horrible, pressured and negative and not positive about this man confessing his deepest feelings. Although he stated that I do not have to respond now or express the same feelings I will either:

1. Express the same feelings anyways and then slowing bore him or find any reason out of the relationship. A breakup will occur unless I later have a change my mind. {Me: I wish he told me this from the beginning damn it!}

2. Be defensive because all I really wanted to do was sleep with him and I assumed he wanted the same (because we never talked about this before) but now I have to somehow defend my intentions without looking “bad” in his disappointed eyes. A likely breakup will happen here. {Me: I wish he told me this from the beginning damn it!}

3. Sensibly tell them that you do not feel that same way. A likely breakup will happen here. {Me: I wish he told me this from the beginning damn it!}

4. Express agreement because luckily we did have same expectations. Continue the relationship but probably with more and different expectations..(no dating other people, do more things that couples do, etc.) {Me: I wish he told me this from the beginning damn it!...I would have had a much better peace of mind of how things will/may be going.}

Now you want me to hopefully stay in a relationship with you but now that I know what you really want, I most likely want to end it if I am not in agreement but may just stay for now so that I would not have it seem that I only wanted you for sex. I feel blackmailed now..{Me: darn it, now I have to stay in this relationship for a while although I did not have the same expectations…I feel disappointed now..argh, I really am not lusting him anymore because I know what he really wants. I should break up now because I cannot have a casual relationship or I can stay and…[rationalizing…]. I guarantee I will pull away from this overwhelming pressure that I am currently in.

You will still be getting to know each once you find out if you two have the same desires. If the two do not have the same desires then continuing on the “relationship” as is and then communicating much later in time will only have someone become very disappointed if the other does not have the same wants.

If all you want is a casual relationship then express that at the beginning….say something! What do you expect? Do you want a casual relationship, friends with benefits, a serious relationship, or whatever? Tell me very soon after a few dates with me. I certainly do not want to spend months or even years with us having two different expectations. A disastrous relationship it will be.


I think I somehow caught the GrkScorp virus.

[questiongirl]

All these replies are great, I had fun reading all of them. I think you guys are probably right that I have accumulated more interests in him because he's not chasing after me!! Also I started to like him more during and after the sex cuz he was so gentle and nice!!

The thing is I'm not sure if I really want the "talk" with him cuz usually men get scared away with the talk. Also I'm not sure if I wanna get that serious right now, all I know is I like him more now, and I see him as someone with a potential for relationships. I just want to keep him interested in me and see what happens. I could tell from the one night that he was into me, besides the physical attention, he also asked me a lot of questions, like my work, families, interests, how I perceive relationships..just that I'd given wrong answers!!

Well, my experience with one night stand (no, i didnt have that many one night, but couple times)...there was this guy I had a one night with, afterwards, neither of us really cared, so he would call me maybe once a week and ask me out, I would go if I felt like or just ignore his phone calls, he did the same to me. But with time I just kept ignoring him, maybe returning his calls once out of 5 times, and I think for some reason that kind of got him really interested. He started calling me more and more, trying to show me what he could offer (physically, finanically..), and by the end he was pretty much begging me to become his gf, and I had to eventually change my phone number to cut him off!! Also I used to treat guys bad, ignore them after we had sex, only return phone calls when I felt like, and say whatever I felt like saying....for some strange reasons, most of them would chase after me..So I sort of get this impression that guys feel like they've been empowered by having sex with you, sth. like they have gained power and control over you once you two had sex, and there should be a reverse of roles. But if you could manage to show contempt to them after sex, show that you dont care about it, and show that you've got plenty going on besides them, you kind of gain the power back..and they just get very interested. I've also treated guys really nicely, telling them how much I care, give them attention...but everytime I just ended up being dumped. Anyways, that's just my personal experience, also those guys were younger, in their 20s, this one is much older, in his 30s.

With all that said, I got an E-mail from him yesterday (two days after we parted), saying: "Just want to say hello and hope you are doing well. We're still on for the concert if you're still interested." What the heck? Why e-mail? Couldn't him just call me?? My reply was:"Cool"
I know he doesnt deserve to be treated like sh*t, hey, but from a strategic point, what should I do?? I can either play nice or play evil, I dont care, as long as I get things going the way I want. I'm more toward playing evil, you know, ignore him, but treat him nice when I see him(but not too nice), show him interests, show him I'm fun and intelligent, show him I can be serious if I want to.....give him good sex...then ignore him again afterwards....What you guys say?? Would this work with older guys??

[Cain]

I'm more toward playing evil, you know, ignore him, but treat him nice when I see him(but not too nice), show him interests, show him I'm fun and intelligent, show him I can be serious if I want to.....give him good sex...then ignore him again afterwards....What you guys say?? Would this work with older guys??

I don't know about other guys, but that would only piss me off and ensure that I only kept you as a booty call.

[GrkScorp]

If stating what I want is defined as extortion then he wanting sex with whatever relationship he has in mind would also be defined as extortion.

Let's break it down into basic units for the sake of analysis..

Me and you.., Grk & lesa.., we meet up.., lesa likes my apples.., I like her oranges.., and we agree to exchange them in the course of time.. (no sexual puns please)

We have just formed a casual agreement between the two of us.., all else constant.., if we don't change anything in that agreement.., I am still expecting lesa to give me oranges in exchange for my apples.., however.., either at the time of the agreement or after the agreement.., lesa feels that she wants something more..

(note: so far.., is Grk at fault for expecting oranges in exchange for his apples even though lesa may want more? No.., that was the understanding between them)

Now.., instead of sitting down and negotiating a new agreement.., lesa makes a threat.., "unless you give me apples and pears.., I will no longer be willing to give you oranges in exchange for just your apples"

(In other words.., lesa is breaking the understanding we both have.., and threatening to withhold her part of our contract unless I modify the agreement between us.., there are no courts.., there is no police.., only me and lesa.., and under this situation.., this would leave me no choice but to either "forcefully & unwillingly" agree.., or to reject her threat and bilaterally withdraw from our contract.., this would be lesa exerting pressure onto me.., "forcing" me to act.., perhaps take actions that I would ordinarily not take.., just to not forgo the benefits I was already set to receive in our original agreement.., extortion)

Want sex with whatever relationship he has in mind.., is not extortion:

Case I: If he failed to otherwise state what relationship he was expecting.., and the other party failed to assert any expectation.., then they have just both agreed to have sex casually.., they mutually agreed to this..

Case II: If he lied about what relationship he was expecting.., just to have sex.., then it is fraud and/or misrepresentation.., but not extortion.., (he did not "force" her to act.., he only gave her "false" or "misrepresented" information in which she relied on to take action)

Male-to-female example of extortion:

- Female has no job.., she has an understanding with the male that he is paying the rent for the house she lives in.., and for her food and clothing etc.. He simply states what he wants from her one night.., "I want to have sex.., I just want to be honest about my needs with you.., and I want to know how you honestly feel.., so that I don't waste any more time and money between us if you're not interested in the same thing"

(implication: if you don't have sex with me.., pretty soon.., you're out on the street.., no money.., no place to live.., no food.., no new clothes.., and you're going to have to start working..., extortion)

Question: Is this woman in the position to make a free choice without being under the influence of any kind of duress or having any pressure impact her actions?

No.., she's not.. In fact.., this guy is an asshole.., and she should five him the finger.., kick him in his blue balls.., and leave anyway..

The same for any other kind of situations..

When she is "simply stating her needs and expectations".., "how" is she doing so? Is there any implication? Is the guy truly making a free choice? Or is there an implied pressure that is influencing his choice?

Sure.., she might end up getting her desired response if she uses extortion.., but she will end up getting hurt later on:

- When she can't live with a weak push over who is toyed with by the same tactics used by other people besides her
- When she finds out that he didn't "really" want to be in a relationship with her.., and just did it because he felt pressured.., and all this time he was "dishonest" with her..

If you look at the proposed speech.., it aims at removing all pressure he might be inclined to feel.., it encourages him to make a free and honest choice.., to feel comfortable making that choice.., because it's what "he wants to do".., and not what he "feels he must do or else.."

Lesa.., I just want you to know.., it's always a pleasure.., and I do enjoy our intellectual sex on LF

If medical research doesn't work out.., you should definitely.., without any doubt in my mind.., consider law school.., there are some people who are just made for it.., it's in there blood.., and you're one of those people..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Cain]

If medical research doesn't work out.., you should definitely.., without any doubt in my mind.., consider law school.., there are some people who are just made for it.., it's in there blood.., and you're one of those people..

Best,

GrkScorp

I almost went the law school route. I wanted to focus on criminal trial law, but the field is so insanely saturated that I just didn't feel like it. Plus, I couldn't move from city to city as freely as I can in the medical field.

I didn't know lesa was doing medical research. How long have you been doing that?

[lesa]

I could tell from the one night that he was into me, besides the physical attention, he also asked me a lot of questions, like my work, families, interests, how I perceive relationships..just that I'd given wrong answers!!

He was doing what I could not eloquently say.

It seems that you want a casual relationship or something more than just a purely casual sexual relationship and definitely not a long term or serious, exclusive relationship--at least you cannot determine at this point. That is perfectly fine…but it would be very, very nice that he knows of your wants and you find out what he wants.

[Charlie Boy II]

With all that said, I got an E-mail from him yesterday (two days after we parted), saying: "Just want to say hello and hope you are doing well. We're still on for the concert if you're still interested." What the heck? Why e-mail? Couldn't him just call me?? My reply was:"Cool"
I know he doesnt deserve to be treated like sh*t, hey, but from a strategic point, what should I do?? I can either play nice or play evil, I dont care, as long as I get things going the way I want. I'm more toward playing evil, you know, ignore him, but treat him nice when I see him(but not too nice), show him interests, show him I'm fun and intelligent, show him I can be serious if I want to.....give him good sex...then ignore him again afterwards....What you guys say?? Would this work with older guys??

Haha! that's cold! And I think your strategy is a winner. What you said before that is right on the money. A lot of guys lose interest after sex because they feel like they've conquered the girl. Especially if that one night stand girl is sniffing around for a relationship.

It's actually really nice to see a girl in your position not playing the role of the remorseful, emotion-ridden victim.

[GrkScorp]

I think you guys are probably right that I have accumulated more interests in him because he's not chasing after me!! Also I started to like him more during and after the sex cuz he was so gentle and nice!!

What you guys say?? Would this work with older guys??

No.., you would "scare him away".., or he would "stop calling" or "never call back".., since most guys know the strategy of:



May I ask.., why would you even consider doing something like that?

Do you think it will make him want you more.., or do you secretly enjoy the feeling of being chased after.., desired.., wanted.., that you think it demonstrates?

Men 101:

- When a man wants you.., he will come up to you.., when you pull away once and at most twice.., he may persist.., but when you are running.., quiet.., ignoring him.., but secretly wanting him to chase.., then his actions from that point on.., imply the following about him:

1. If he is desperate.., he will continue to chase you to no end.., no.., it doesn't mean he loves you.., it doesn't mean you're so great that he can't help it.., it just means.., that in relation to him.., you are worth chasing.., you gave him some hope.., and because he's desperate.., he will do whatever he feels it will take to get you

2. If he isn't desperate.., he will stop.., realize what you're doing.., lose interest faster than you can say "wait! i'll stop.., I was just..".., and move on.. Not to imply that you're any less important or love-worthy.., just that he doesn't want to date women with the following personality trait:



So.., one thing this strategy will tell you.., is who the quality guys are.., and who the guys you don't want to be with are..

This is why.., you'll notice an inverse relationship in the enjoyment and pleasure you get from the attention and feeling of being chased after.., compared to the level of attraction you feel towards that person..

The attention and validation makes you feel better about yourself.., that's normal.., that's not a bad thing.., but you're not attracted to that person.., because you may or may not consciously be aware of it.., but unconsciously.., you're very aware of what the implication is about the quality of this person.., and why he would go ahead and chase..

This is why you'll notice the following..





So.., this is great.., and not to by cynical.., but.., if your self-esteem isn't quite where you'd like it to be.., and you want to feel that someone wants you.., then you might feel the urge to find some perfect sense to this strategy.., and the desire to use it.., and see how he reacts.., what he does.., will he chase after me? does he like me? does he want me? is he interested?

This is retarded.., this is stuff you can already tell.., and more importantly.., should be able to tell.., by your actual interaction alone! Look out for what the two of you are talking about.., if he's enjoying himself around you.., if he's listening to what you have to say.., if he's asking you questions about yourself (because he's interested).., and if how deep and profound those questions are (how interested is he? how well does he want to get to know you? why do you think that is? is he considering dating you in the long-run perhaps?)

You'll find.., as you get older.., that "awareness & perception" are far more useful and effective than "tests & waiting for him to.."

Best,

GrkScorp