My Options

[shh!]

i don't think even kids would motivate me to get married.

I wasn't referring to marriage, but rather to parents staying together (whether married or not). Unless there are extreme circumstances, I think people ought to really try to stick it out till the kids are grown.

[Mish]

That's because you don't have any kids. When you have kids, all your idealism goes out the window in favor of their well-being.

I think it's better for the sake of the kids that two people with hate and contempt for one another seperate than stay together. It will protect the kids from turmoil and scars. In this instance the mother started seeing some one else, I don't think continuation of relationship with this person is going to be very healthy for the children.

It's important to make the right partner choice from the very beginning.

[misombra]

oh

but stillyeah.

[shh!]

I think it's better for the sake of the kids that two people with hate and contempt for one another seperate than stay together.

Oh, yawn. Everyone makes that same old tired argument that if parents are acting with hate and contempt, that isn't good for the kids. Duh.

People actually can CHOOSE to not act like brats. Imagine that! People acting like responsible adults and treating each other with dignity - even in the absence of love - for the sake of their kid's well-being!

[shh!]

oh

but stillyeah.

Yup. Kids are the ultimate ball-and-chain.

[Mish]

People actually can CHOOSE to not act like brats. Imagine that! People acting like responsible adults and treating each other with dignity - even in the absence of love - for the sake of their kid's well-being!

That's posible, that's true. But not in this case. If the mother was a responsible adult, she wouldn't be sleeping around. What can you do when a partner starts acting like that? Talking doesn't work anymore, trust is broken. She acts like that because she wants to leave. Leaving is the only option.

Though, just to add the guy was at fault as well by neglecting her. The relationship was too flawed imo. Some people just shouldn't be together.

[shh!]

Mish - I wasn't responding to the original poster's question, but rather your statement about how people should be allowed to leave a marriage when they aren't feeling it anymore.

[Cain]

In a marriage, I'd stay in it unless she was violent, abused the children, or cheated. If any of those things happened, I'd be out. Now, other things might do it as well, but I'd have to determine that when it happened.

[Mish]

Mish - I wasn't responding to the original poster's question, but rather your statement about how people should be allowed to leave a marriage when they aren't feeling it anymore.

Not if they don't have feelings anymore. I was refering to If one partner has already made a decision they don't want to be with the other partner, but they will be with their partner just for the sake of the marriage. A sham marriage. A marriage where one person has already left in every way except physically, I wouldn't want something like that to continue.

I agree feelings come and go and just because feeling has gone for one instance it doesn't mean the relationship should end. What I was reffering to is something a lot deeper. It's where one or both partners have already left each other, yet are still under one roof suffering endlessly in favour of not loosing face.

[jeremynet]

No matter how... children still need a warm and healthy family. There are innocent.

Everyone has the responsibility to take care of our children.
If you are not ready for it, don't think of having baby.

[shh!]

Not if they don't have feelings anymore. I was refering to If one partner has already made a decision they don't want to be with the other partner, but they will be with their partner just for the sake of the marriage. A sham marriage. A marriage where one person has already left in every way except physically, I wouldn't want something like that to continue.

I agree feelings come and go and just because feeling has gone for one instance it doesn't mean the relationship should end. What I was reffering to is something a lot deeper. It's where one or both partners have already left each other, yet are still under one roof suffering endlessly in favour of not loosing face.

I know what you were referring to. I was referring to the same, only I don't know why you call it "saving face". It has nothing to do with saving face... it has to do with providing a family for children.

[Mish]

I know what you were referring to. I was referring to the same, only I don't know why you call it "saving face". It has nothing to do with saving face... it has to do with providing a family for children.

If it gets to the stage I described it means there is a big conflict between the two parties. If they can't stand each other, yet force themselves to tolerate each other via skirmishes it means environement is destructive and damaging to the children. I can only describe reasons for staying together at that stage as "saving face" because they no longer provide benefit for the children in that situation. Two people can provide for the children when they seperate, they don't have to put the kids through experience of constant daily marital warfare.

That's my point of view on this.

[shh!]

Again, you are going straight to the "hostile home environment" argument.

It is possible to not be in love with your spouse and yet stay married, behave decently, and do what's right for your kids.

[Mish]

Again, you are going straight to the "hostile home environment" argument.

It is possible to not be in love with your spouse and yet stay married, behave decently, and do what's right for your kids.

I agreed with that. I have no problem with the above.

That's not what I was talking about in my original post though. I was talking about a different situation, one with hostile environment in which one or both partners force themselves to stay together. That's the part that I don't want.

[IndiReloaded]

It is possible to not be in love with your spouse and yet stay married, behave decently, and do what's right for your kids.

+1

My goodness, Vashh, you are actually suggesting married ppl be mature & pragmatic where raising children are concerned?

Mish, even in terrible situations such as this one, I still believe that parents can come to some kind of compromise where the kids benefit from the presence of both parents. Even if they don't Love each other (a meaning that comes/goes & changes over the years anyway). They just have to want to make it a priority. For those who don't, it boils down to selfishness, really. They choose their own happiness over their kids. How any responsible parent could ever make that Hobson's choice is beyond me.

Hell, even the most miserable couples could come to an arrangement whereby they stay married until the children grow up. They need not be miserable & not get their needs met, either. Open marriages, taking lovers/mistresses, turning a 'blind eye' to these things... these types of arrangements are as old as the hills. While not ideal according to the Hollywood Romance model, they WORK for some couples. And with counselling that is available these days, some might even grow enough out of their childhood issues to actually discover what 'true' love & loyalty means.