My Options

[shh!]

To ask me "what if" is kind of like asking "what if the sun fell out of the sky". It just wouldn't happen. I chose well.

Is it really so hard for you to imagine being this confident in your spouse?

[Mish]

It's not hard to be confident, which is why I'm going to choose well. Though we can't predict and prepare for everything. My original response to this "what if" situation was due to OP's cirsumstance. This is what I would do if I was OP.

I asked what you would do, because you disagreed with my approach. I thought maybe you had a better one than mine. But I'm beginning to think that if you were in the same situation you would probably do the same, which is leave the person exploring their sexual / intimacy freedoms either before or after these freedoms develop into relationship(s) within a relationship.

[shh!]

Again, I am not addressing the OP. It's too late for the OP, and no - I wouldn't find myself in the same situation.

[lesa]

I knew this semi-rich couple who were in their late 50's-60's still living together but in separate bedrooms. The wife would semi-flirt with other men (mostly my handsome ex-fling and the husband flirted with a very beautiful and much much younger work associate. I think the husband was in an extramartial affair with this 30-something year old woman.

The spouses lived separate lives for the most part but shared the finances. I am guessing the husband did not want to lose all that money and the wife too. All of their living children (lost a son) are adults and live far away so I really don't understand. Maybe they feel they are too old but they look good for their age. They show very little affection for each other...they seem like siblings.

[IndiReloaded]

I know he is.

I just wanted to know what you would do in such a situation. Would you stay and see things get worse and worse or choose the same road I would.

Mish, FWIW I agree with Vash. To a point. If it were just flings, then like Vash I would just stop sleeping with him & tell him to be discreet. I, of course, would have the likewise option. As for the money spent on those outings, we have a budget & allowance system. If that's where he chooses to spend his money then I don't see how that's any different from any other hobby. You young ones make sex out to be such a BFD, its no wonder ppl are so f-d up about it.

If he was foolish enough to start an actual relationship, however, while our son was still home & needing our care, I would demand he leave her. If he refused, b/c he cared that much (and so little for our family) then, yes, I would divorce him. Three reasons: it would be too disruptive to our smooth family functioning, his priorities about family/personal responsibility are no longer in agreement with mine (important to me) & if some other gal made him that happy then I wouldn't want to hold anyone back from that.

In other words, unless my husband suddenly lost his mind & was no longer the man I married, this would never come to pass.
Ultimately, these things boil down to one's personal philosophy about happiness, responsibility & loyalty.

BTW, if he DID have flings, I would be leaving him once our son was grown. I don't believe in cheating, but that doesn't mean I couldn't deal with it for something that is more important to me. In any case, if a couple who is fundamentally compatible is open & interesting as regards their sexuality, cheating isn't usually a problem. Don't be afraid to be freaky, gals. Its that saying: lady on the street but a freak in the bed. That's a guys perfect woman.

[lesa]

Mish, FWIW I agree with Vash. To a point. If it were just flings, then like Vash I would just stop sleeping with him & tell him to be discreet. I, of course, would have the likewise option. As for the money spent on those outings, we have a budget & allowance system. If that's where he chooses to spend his money then I don't see how that's any different from any other hobby. You young ones make sex out to be such a BFD, its no wonder ppl are so f-d up about it.

If he was foolish enough to start an actual relationship, however, while our son was still home & needing our care, I would demand he leave her. If he refused, b/c he cared that much (and so little for our family) then, yes, I would divorce him. Three reasons: it would be too disruptive to our smooth family functioning, his priorities about family/personal responsibility are no longer in agreement with mine (important to me) & if some other gal made him that happy then I wouldn't want to hold anyone back from that.

In other words, unless my husband suddenly lost his mind & was no longer the man I married, this would never come to pass.
Ultimately, these things boil down to one's personal philosophy about happiness, responsibility & loyalty.

I think that is how the couple in my example feels and I believe the husband is discreet about any extramarital affairs he may be having, although she most likely can imagine.

[IndiReloaded]

I think that is how the couple in my example feels and I believe the husband is discreet about any extramarital affairs he may be having, although she most likely can imagine.

But you answered my post too soon, Lesa. I also said that if my husband ever cheated, I will leave him. It would be delayed, but he knows this. So, for him, the calculation would be gratification now for pain later.

I suppose some might view this a form of sexual blackmail, but a fair form I think. I am a pretty good specimen, IMO. He knows he'd be hard pressed to find my equal in all things I do. So, there is always a price to be paid for quality, and monogamy is his (and mine!). We both pay it, actually. Its not like men are the only ones who are tempted to go outside the marriage.

[shh!]

If he was foolish enough to start an actual relationship, however, while our son was still home & needing our care, I would demand he leave her. If he refused, b/c he cared that much (and so little for our family) then, yes, I would divorce him. Three reasons: it would be too disruptive to our smooth family functioning, his priorities about family/personal responsibility are no longer in agreement with mine (important to me) & if some other gal made him that happy then I wouldn't want to hold anyone back from that.

It probably depends on how much time you are talking about here... my kids are older than yours, and will be gone much sooner. I'd make him wait and be discreet.

[IndiReloaded]

Yea, but you're basically saying you would split as a consequence. I agree.

[Cain]

I just can't picture this... I can't speak my opinion as if I had kids because I don't have them, but I feel I can speak as if I'm married since my gf and I were GOING to go to the courthouse last month to actually get married but decided to wait for a ceremony in a few years. Basically, I'm imagining us being married and having a child... say one year old. If she cheated on me, I can't imagine staying with her for another 17 years. I would be far too bitter towards her for cheating on me to be able to live with her for 17 years. I would have to file for divorce.

[IndiReloaded]

I would be far too bitter towards her for cheating on me to be able to live with her for 17 years. I would have to file for divorce.

And all Vash & I are saying is that there are some ppl who would be able to put their children's needs above their bitterness. That's not a judgement, that's just a fact.

That said, being married even a year isn't the same as having, say, a decade or more of shared resources & life together. There's a lot that goes into a decision to divorce when you've spent 1/2 (or more!) of your life together. Things get very entwined, and the ability to make cut-and-dry decisions like you describe, likewise.

[Cain]

And all Vash & I are saying is that there are some ppl who would be able to put their children's needs above their bitterness. That's not a judgement, that's just a fact.

That said, being married even a year isn't the same as having, say, a decade or more of shared resources & life together. There's a lot that goes into a decision to divorce when you've spent 1/2 (or more!) of your life together. Things get very entwined, and the ability to make cut-and-dry decisions like you describe, likewise.

I just don't understand why you and vash are making it seem like if a child grows up with divorced parents they're going to be screwed up. It IS possible to raise normal children and be divorced.

[IndiReloaded]

Cain, we never said it wasn't possible.

Its just not preferred. Many studies have been done & they all consistently show that children raised in two-parent households (that can be civil) simply grow up to be better adjusted individuals.

That doesn't mean you *can't* have this w/divorce. Its just a question of odds.

[Cain]

Maybe my opinion will change when the time comes, but as of right now, I won't allow myself to be completely unhappy in a sham marriage in order to keep my kids in a two-parent household.

[shh!]

When I was your age, I felt the same way.