Bars

[DJLockBox]

Im at home and my gf is away at school and where she is 19 year olds can get into bars. Well she will be out with her friends and I am freaking worried that she will be getting hit on by guys and she will be getting their numbers and hanging out with them the last week of school. I know this is ridiculous to worry about but anything that I can do to not worry about it or what? Cuz just knowing she will be getting trashed and around guys she doesnt know who might put the moves on her irritates me and makes me sick to my stomach

[dragoon]

If you don't trust her, you can't have a relationship with her.

If your self esteem is so low that you don't think she'll remain loyal, again you probably can't have a relationship with her.

If she really is the type of girl to cheat on you, then why are you with her in the first place?

[BillyGalbreath]

Dude - I had a similar experience - my x wife became a stripper (i admit it was cool at first - you know, the whole 'i'm with a stripper' type cool) and after awhile I started to become concerned about the guys at the club. It did not bother me enough to really think about it alot, but once I found out the she started doing drugs and getting drunk with the other girls up there I started to freak out. Well, to make a long story short - she cheated on me 3 or 4 times with guys from the club - twice with the DJ, and 2 times she prostituted herself out to two guys... Eventually she just left me... Turns out she left for a guy she met at the club.

So yeah. What I would do is talk to her about it. If you dont want her going to clubs then tell her that. She is most probably not going to want to hear that - but its how YOU feel. If she gets all upset and shit and says 'your controling' - leave --- thats the first sign of her cheating - defensive...

I wont elaborate any more - i think you understand where I am comming from.

[dragoon]

So yeah. What I would do is talk to her about it. If you dont want her going to clubs then tell her that. She is most probably not going to want to hear that - but its how YOU feel. If she gets all upset and shit and says 'your controling' - leave --- thats the first sign of her cheating - defensive...

How is that the first sign of cheating?!

I've never cheated on anyone, and can't imagine I ever will. But if the girl I'm with wants to limit what I do because she's uncomfortable about it, yes I will get defensive. For example I have good, platonic friendships with several attractive girls. If my girlfriend tried to make me stop seeing them, oh hell no.

That's not the first sign of cheating, that's the first sign of a relationship going down the tubes because they don't trust you.

[Nowoonder]

As I see it you basically have three options to choose (or combine) from:

a) Live with it and stop worrying.
If you can convince yourself that you can trust her, this is probably a good idea. I've been in a long distance relationship for more than 3 years. Even with a lot of trust in between my g/f and me it was not always easy to put down these feelings of uncertainty and what-ifs.

b) Give her more freedom.
If you feel she needs more freedom and you think you can deal with it, then there is nothing wrong with her having some fun when you two are separated. Provided you can expect her to act reasonably mature with regard to birth control and STD prevention.

d) Break up.
Good if you do not love her or really have reasons not to trust her. Bad otherwise.

In any way it would probably be a good idea to discuss this with her in a non-accusing way. More in the spirit of "I know this is stupid, but ..." than "I know you go out to get laid by someone else ...".

Regarding me and my g/f, we have come to the conclusion that we both try to be as faithful as we can handle, i.e. we do not pro-actively go out and search for that kind of fun. But if something happens, it does. And as long as it is about making out/sex alone it won't be a danger to our relationship.

[sfalexi]

First off, I think it's completely normal to be jealous of stuff like this. I'd be worried if someone WASN'T a little jealous about their girlfriend. But if you guys have a good relationship, you have to try to trust her.

FACT: You can't be around her 24/7

FACT: There's NO WAY you can stop guys from hitting on her. If she's a girl, she's gonna get hit on. Whether it's at a bar, on the bus, at a fast food place, in class, after class, etc. Girls get hit on.

You have to try to trust her. I don't think long distance relationships are a great thing and me personally probably wouldn't look at this as a good situation. At the very least, you have to let her know that if she EVER was going to cheat to at least give you the decency to call you and tell you it's over. That way even if she DOES stray, at least you know to go on and aren't in the dark.

Alexi

[squirrley]

I was in a similar situation but I was the one getting into the bars...and of course the long distance thing-he left for college. And on the weekends hed call and Id be out-and call til I got home-3am or whatever. JEALOUSY was there because he knew guys would be hitting on me...HOWEVER we had trust amongst us-no problems.

Let me give you one word of advice-if you know shes going out-DONT badger her about it-if shes going with her girlfriends-dont worry. If she truly loves you she wont do anything to jeopardize your relationship. She'll be smart off to tell the other guys to go to hell or be friendly and tell them she has a boyfriend.

Dont make a federal case out of this-if you guys already made the arrangements and or plans to continue to stay together while shes at college then relax. Right now youre feeling a little insecure about it all but as time goes on-you'll see if youre relationship can withhold the distance. But always keep your lines of communication open-and the trust factor there!

I spent 3 years in that situation and never cheated on him or vice versa. Its how you feel about that person and how much youre willing to give to the relationship and her.
If you feel that the trust issue is going to be a problem talk to her but be prepared for some back lash from her-she'll get defensive about it, doesnt mean shes guilty, shes at a new place new friends, new experiences, allow that for her to grow, and you do the same for yourself.

If you feel in your heart you cant continue this because youre scared or insecure then you should evaluate what it is you want for yourself...you dont want to spend this time always worrying about her and other guys it WILL make you physically sick and mentally messed up.

Goodluck-

[BillyGalbreath]

..you dont want to spend this time always worrying about her and other guys it WILL make you physically sick and mentally messed up..

this is too true... My immune system went down to nearly nothing. I always had headaches. I slept all the time just to pass the time. I hardly ever ate anything (maybe 1 meal every few days). I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I threw up alot when I would think about things. I started to lose my mind - seriously. I thought of suicide, of revenge, of homicide. I even thought about just leaving my kids and her and just walking to canada - just for something to do... I talked to myself alot. I got paranoid as ****. Every little sound I would go running to the door to see if it was anyone I knew... I was like this for about 2 weeks. I lost about 30 pounds in that time. I was constantly pale and was nautious.

But in my situation (no one else seems to be agreeing with me) my W I F E - not g/f, or fiancee - but my wife of 2 years and lived with me - not far away at a school - left me. This is why i said what I did earlier. If she has nothing to hide then she wouldnt get defensive. This is what I have learned from my experience. Everyone who is guilty gets defensive.

Just do something - I really dont care what you do, i dont know you - But just dont become the way I once was. Either fix your situation, learn to live with it, or leave.

I say no more.

[squirrley]

Billy in your case that might have been the issue-her defensiveness-but just because someone acts out on the defense line doesnt mean theyre guilty. That person is feeling attacked-and or thinks they have to defend what theyre doing even if its nothing. A lot of people cant take advice or criticsm, and feel theyre being struck-and strike back-its fight or flight!