And yet again...

[Cain]

Oh I forgot to mention that when they do say those things it means they feel a little pressured. And as Citycat mentioned, she may still feel that way by pressuring her into answers and time. Give her time. You are not helping it better at all. You are helping it get worse.

Pressured? She, at times, talked more about us than I did. She talked about marriage. She talked about kids. She talked about spending the rest of her life with me.

All I wanted was one answer. That's it. I wanted to know the reason. I got it, and now I can back off. That's all.

[Cain]

Cain, are you sure another guy hasn't caught her eye? I'm not suggesting that she has acted upon it, but maybe she is having second thoughts because her mind is wandering. If that is the case, this (what appears to be) desperation to keep her in your clutches will only alienate her further. I think you should back off a little. There is no rush for her to make a decision unless you are interested in dating someone else. Let her miss you a little.

I know that there's no other guy. If there was, she'd have told me. She's honest about these things.

If she had a wandering eye, I'd have broken up with her for good. I don't care if she acted on it... breaking up with me because she has a crush on someone else is something I'd terminate it for good over.

[shh!]

If she calls you, tell her you'll ring her in a month or so. Let her have some time, sweety. Let her miss you. If she loves you, it won't change the outcome.

EDIT - I've been married for a really loooong time, and I can tell you for sure that you are going to have to get over the indignation at crushes if you want to have a long-term relationship. They happen until the day you die. People with character simply don't act on them. You have no right to dictate what runs through a person's mind, although you certainly have a right to expect physical monogamy. I mean really, are you goingto break up with a girl because she thinks George Clooney is the hottest thing she ever saw?

[Cain]

cain, you're messing yourself up with this behavior.

she wants a break from you. meaning she doesn't want to deal with you for a while and all your drama.

the emails. the calls. the constant interrogation and pushing her to give you answers that you want to hear are pushing her away.

you're ****ing it all up. sorry.

She's the one initiating most of the conversation. How exactly does that mean she wants a break from talking to me?

It's not a constant interrogation. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time waiting for her. That's it.

It has nothing to do about dating anyone else. It has to do with me starting to move on with my life now and not in six months.

[Cain]

If she calls you, tell her you'll ring her in a month or so. Let her have some time, sweety. Let her miss you. If she loves you, it won't change the outcome.

EDIT - I've been married for a really loooong time, and I can tell you for sure that you are going to have to get over the indignation at crushes if you want to have a long-term relationship. They happen until the day you die. People with character simply don't act on them.

Heh.

I'll try that and see how it goes.

I'll be sure to come back here if that backfires.

I've read an opinion from another woman at another site that basically said that women act on emotions and that if I were able to just say "hey, call me in a month," they'd think that I didn't have the feelings I did before and try to move on whether they wanted to or not.

EDIT: I'm not saying I'd break up with her for having a crush. I'm saying that I'd terminate us for good if she broke up with me because she had an eye for someone else. I'm not going to play ping pong with her.

[misombra]

alrighty then cain. it's clear that you're not going to listen.

i'm just gonna eat my popcorn and watch...

[Cain]

alrighty then cain. it's clear that you're not going to listen.

i'm just gonna eat my popcorn and watch...

I'm going to listen to everything you've said.

I won't contact her. I won't respond when she contacts me.

I won't ask her questions. I won't acknowledge she exists.

I'll let her miss me. For three months we won't speak.

I sure hope this four hour distance and the lack of speaking won't draw us further apart!

[misombra]

this popcorn could sure use some butter...

[Cain]

And for the record, I appreciate the advice. I just would also appreciate it if you don't think I'm just being defiant when I want clarification on your advice and what I'm thinking.

I'm not going to take advice blindly.

[shh!]

Why are you listening to women on another forum? Don't we have everything you need? That's it, we are through!

[misombra]

how about this.

when you talk to her. ask her nothing about a face to face, ask her nothing about whether or not she loves you or wants to be with you. ask her nothing about how long the break is gonna be. ask her nothing about the trip in september.

no pressure.

[Cain]

What can I say? I can't be tied down to one board. I've got to spread my wings.

In all seriousness though, I need to know whether what that other women said has merit. I don't want to cut off all contact for a month if she tries to contact me if what the other woman said has truth to it.

[misombra]

i never said no contact.

[lesa]

I kind of disagree with lesa... In a long-term relationship, it is common that a person give more than they get (and vice-versa) from time to time. The thing one needs to be careful of is that it all basically evens out overall. (This is probably what she meant, anyway.)

Cain - are you this girl's first relationship?

Yes, that's what I somewhat meant. I'm being general but from my experience (of being in a LTR) and hearing others that it becomes an issue when one person does it often and another does it occasionally.

However we must defne a LTR...to me it is greater than 5 years. IMO the other partner does not have a major issue with it until it is done way too much. In this situation, I meant in a relationship less than 1 or 2 years....the partner would feel 'pressured' when you give much more than you receive. Especially in dating relationships which is not the case here. In any case if done too much in any type of relationship you will eventually have the other person feel frustrated, unbalanced, and inadequate (for a lack of a better word). If you don't believe me, ask them about it (lol, if you can somehow manage to do it without having them feel more pressured) and they will tell you this in one way or another.

Note: By giving and receiving, I am not talking about gifts.

[Cain]

how about this.

when you talk to her. ask her nothing about a face to face, ask her nothing about whether or not she loves you or wants to be with you. ask her nothing about how long the break is gonna be. ask her nothing about the trip in september.

no pressure.

Is it really that wrong of me to want compromise? To not expect to be her little ****ing puppy that just does what it's told and doesn't expect anything? Really?

I'm willing to give her the break and the space, but there needs to be some compromise. If not, please explain this so I can figure this out.