And yet again...

[Gigabitch]

Cain, you knew she wasn't going to be easy to deal with from the beginning. Stay who you are and wait this storm out. I have no doubt she'll move to the other end of her wide emotional spectrum soon enough.

Don't tweak, okay?

[Cain]

The first break happened very early in the relationship. I don't put much weight into it because of that fact.

She basically told me that her emotions are a mess right now and that she needs to be happy with herself before she can make me happy. She made sure she told me that she wasn't saying it was over with us, and she made sure that she told me she wasn't telling me that we didn't have a future because she still sees me in her future. She just wants a break to sort herself out.

I don't think there was an outsider's influence in this. I'm more sure that she just doesn't know how to deal with the stress/emotion of a relationship completely.

If she's willing to end this relationship completely... so be it. I was definitely the best relationship she's ever had. There's no question about that. If she's willing to let me go... fine. But, I don't think that's going to happen. She has the opportunity. I told her that she only has to tell me one of two things for me to leave... all she has to say is she either doesn't love me anymore or that she's found someone else. Last night, she said that she can't sit there and say that she didn't love me because everything she's told me is the truth.

I am going to give her space. I already planned to do that. I sent her a text earlier telling her that I was thinking about her and that I knew today had to be hard for her but to hang in there since it was her friend's birthday today. She replied back saying yes, it was hard. I sent one more reply telling her that I know, and that she's one of the strongest women I've ever met and that I know she'll get through it. I then said that she was in my thoughts and her friend was in my prayers. I'm planning on leaving it at that for now.

I am going to approach her about this and I'll probably mention the trip in September. I don't want to do it today or tomorrow though. I have a test tomorrow and don't need to start getting in a depressing mood. I'm fine right now. I also don't want to approach her about it today because she's going to be really emotional today.

Basically, I don't want to get too in depth about "us" until I see her. I want the face to face so we can work through this in person. I'm going to make some suggestions. First, I want to make sure she wants to even save us. I want to know whether she wants to work through this. I think she needs to start seeing her therapist again and I'm going to volunteer to go to a session or two with her because I feel that it might be good if I go to because I think that, as a couple, there are some issues we need to resolve together.

Like I've said, her problem is that she feels that if she isn't 110% into it, she shouldn't be in it. She doesn't understand, I don't think, that relationships will always go through a rough patch.

[Cain]

Contacting her w/o her permission is simply disrespectful, Cain. I don't know how to put it any more bluntly than this.

If she says no to a visit, then showing up unannounced is NOT going to make anything better. In fact, it will likely make things worse.

I had a BF in high school/1st year uni who did this to me. We were slowly growing apart b/c we were moving on different paths (he was pre-law & I was science). We were at different uni about 3 hours apart (door to door). We were on a 'trial' brake up for 2 weeks, similar to what you are currently experiencing, and he decided to show up unannounced one Friday. He called me from the restaurant he was waiting at & wanted me to drop everything & come see him. I was quite peeved b/c I was studying for a major mid-term coming up that Monday. I did the right thing, I went & met him (and confirmed our break up in person), when I had every right to just blow him off & send him home for showing w/o notice. To me, his arriving unannounced was actually very selfish of him and simply bad manners.

A phone call would have done & I would have been happy to meet him the following week after my exams, but he couldn't wait & it cost him.

Think about it, Cain.

I've already concluded that I'm going to call her and ask her about the visit in a couple of days. I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to contact her much in the next three weeks so that she can have her space, but I would like merely an hour of her time in September so we can discuss this face to face.

[IndiReloaded]

I think she needs to start seeing her therapist again and I'm going to volunteer to go to a session or two with her because I feel that it might be good if I go to because I think that, as a couple, there are some issues we need to resolve together.

Like I've said, her problem is that she feels that if she isn't 110% into it, she shouldn't be in it. She doesn't understand, I don't think, that relationships will always go through a rough patch.

This sounds excellent, Cain. And the whole thing about her being unable to relax & enjoy your relationship sounds like a very good topic of discussion for the therapy sessions. Its not exactly fair on YOU either, to be w/someone who is that 'On' all the time, know what I mean?

[Cain]

Cain, you knew she wasn't going to be easy to deal with from the beginning. Stay who you are and wait this storm out. I have no doubt she'll move to the other end of her wide emotional spectrum soon enough.

Don't tweak, okay?

It's understandable. I'm doing a LOT better than I did the first time this happened simply because I do think we will make it through it. This came out of nowhere. It wasn't a gradual thing over the course of a couple of months. As of about five days ago, things were great. It wasn't until the last few days that things crashed.

We both were shocked. She told me that she was doing so good... that she was finally starting to be happy with herself and she thought she was finally over it... but then it happened.

I'm not going to look for anyone else. My plans are the same. I'm going to finish my year at this school (ends in March) and I'm transferring to the school I was going to transfer to. Things will either work out or they won't, but I'm not going to live with any regrets.

[Cain]

This sounds excellent, Cain. And the whole thing about her being unable to relax & enjoy your relationship sounds like a very good topic of discussion for the therapy sessions. Its not exactly fair on YOU either, to be w/someone who is that 'On' all the time, know what I mean?

Yeah. I think a problem was that because she was starting to get better, she stopped seeing her therapist. I think therapy is something she's going to need on a regular basis for a couple of years... or at least until I can move there so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of a LDR.

I also thought that me going to a couple of sessions was a great idea because this DOES affect me and I think that we both need to get our feelings out in the air with a trained, neutral party. It's a lot different than us just venting on the phone or in person. The therapist can tell us which ideas need work and which ideas are good.

She really needs to work on this whole theory that she has to give 110%. For example, the last three days we haven't talked much at all. Maybe 5-10 minutes per day. But because that didn't bother her, she thought it was a major red flag. I wasn't thrilled about the lack of contact, but I don't think that her not being all depressed about it was a bad thing. We can't talk all the time. And I don't expect her world to come crashing down when we can't talk.

The problem is I don't like talking about all of this online or on the phone. I don't feel you can convey your emotions and feelings therapeutically through those mediums.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah. I think a problem was that because she was starting to get better, she stopped seeing her therapist. I think therapy is something she's going to need on a regular basis for a couple of years... or at least until I can move there so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of a LDR.

Whoa, there. That sounds an awful like White Knight Syndrome, Cain. Even if you guys were closer, its NOT your job solve these issues for her. Support her, yes, but be careful of that slippery slope into co-dependence b/c that's what it sounds like might be from my armchair. Its not your job to be her therapist. B/c what happens then is, longterm, she comes to expect this. And then there won't be anyone to support YOU, I hope you understand this very important point Cain. This is a serious longterm point I'm making. You may have broad shoulders but even still you deserve someone who will help you to grow likewise.

A non-involved counsellor can help her much better than you can, for all the reasons you already know.

The problem is I don't like talking about all of this online or on the phone. I don't feel you can convey your emotions and feelings therapeutically through those mediums.

Absolutely. Email sucks & phone isn't much better (unless you have webcam?). Belly to belly is always best. I'm sure she'll agree to meet you.

[Cain]

Whoa, there. That sounds an awful like White Knight Syndrome, Cain. Even if you guys were closer, its NOT your job solve these issues for her. Support her, yes, but be careful of that slippery slope into co-dependence b/c that's what it sounds like might be from my armchair. Its not your job to be her therapist. B/c what happens then is, longterm, she comes to expect this. And then there won't be anyone to support YOU, I hope you understand this very important point Cain. This is a serious longterm point I'm making. You may have broad shoulders but even still you deserve someone who will help you to grow likewise.

A non-involved counsellor can help her much better than you can, for all the reasons you already know.

I definitely understand where you're coming from about her needing a therapist even after I move there. If seeing a therapist is what she has to do in order to help keep her emotions in check then so be it. I'll even volunteer to go to every session I can with her, whether we are talking together or separate. I'll support her in every way I can.

Absolutely. Email sucks & phone isn't much better (unless you have webcam?). Belly to belly is always best. I'm sure she'll agree to meet you.

I sure hope so. The only thing I worry about is that she won't want to because she thinks it'll confuse her feelings even more. I'm not asking to spend the three weeks with her there. I'm willing to drive eight hours, round trip, in order to just spend an hour with her discussing these issues.

If we're going to make it as a couple, we need to be able to handle things like this without breaking up. And honestly, I don't even know if we ARE broken up. Feel free to translate this: "I'm not saying that it's over.. i'm just saying i need a break to sort everything out. I need to get myself straight... my emotions, my feelings about myself.. i need to be happy with myself so i can be happy with you and make you happy."

[IndiReloaded]

Feel free to translate this: "I'm not saying that it's over.. i'm just saying i need a break to sort everything out. I need to get myself straight... my emotions, my feelings about myself.. i need to be happy with myself so i can be happy with you and make you happy."

Well, a break means she needs to feel free from satisfying any of YOUR needs. Meaning you're not supposed to have any expectations from her.

As for the rest, she sounds unsure & unhappy. The "I need to be happy w/myself" line is cliche and is short for: "I'm confused & I don't know what the hell I want right now."

That sucks for you, esp when you DO know what you want.

But it sounds like she still cares a lot about you. So its basically what we've been saying: give her the space she wants. She's either grow to miss you or she won't. But its something you can't control, except to make it worse by pressuring her.

Oh, and I do think it wouldn't be unreasonable to put a time limit on your break. I wouldn't mention this to her now, but do decide sometime in the next couple weeks (once the acute emotions have died down), on how long you are willing to wait. 1 -3 months AT MOST would be more than most would wait, I think.

Take care, Cain.

[Cain]

Well, a break means she needs to feel free from satisfying any of YOUR needs. Meaning you're not supposed to have any expectations from her.

As for the rest, she sounds unsure & unhappy. The "I need to be happy w/myself" line is cliche and is short for: "I'm confused & I don't know what the hell I want right now."

That sucks for you, esp when you DO know what you want.

But it sounds like she still cares a lot about you. So its basically what we've been saying: give her the space she wants. She's either grow to miss you or she won't. But its something you can't control, except to make it worse by pressuring her.

Oh, and I do think it wouldn't be unreasonable to put a time limit on your break. I wouldn't mention this to her now, but do decide sometime in the next couple weeks (once the acute emotions have died down), on how long you are willing to wait. 1 -3 months AT MOST would be more than most would wait, I think.

Take care, Cain.

I'm willing to wait until I graduate from my nursing program in March. I'm not staying here, so I'm not going to look for another relationship only to leave the girl behind when I move. If she isn't ready to leave the break after that time, if the break is even still going on at that time, then I can safely end it completely.

And while that line might be cliche, I think it's true to her meaning. She's extremely unhappy with her appearance and I think that with the added emotion of the birthday and grad school and our LDR, it just screwed her emotions up and it's causing her to just get depressed. I think that's where the unhappy with herself line comes in.

Like I said, she thinks that because she's depressed right now, she's not able to make me happy.

[Citycat]

Is this break the cause of your unusual nasty posts from the other day?

This break your g/f wants sounds fishy to me. Don't make all those constructions and excuses for her behaviour in your head. If you were together when her friend died, and you like her appearance, those should add up to the reasons for her wanting to stay with you instead of asking for a break. I suggest you wait and see what happens. Since you want her back, stay in touch with her. Did she said how long she thinks the break is going to last?

[Cain]

I would like to get everyone's opinion on this: Next weekend she's driving to her friend's grave so she can put flowers on it. I know how much she meant to my gf so I want to help in any way I can. I'm going to tell her the next time we talk that I want to order some flowers as well for her to put there when she goes. It's to show that I'm supporting her, that I know this is tough, and that I am going to be there for her, even when it comes to dealing with someone I never knew.

[Cain]

Is this break the cause of your unusual nasty posts from the other day?

This break your g/f wants sounds fishy to me. Don't make all those constructions and excuses for her behaviour in your head. If you were together when her friend died, and you like her appearance, those should add up to the reasons for her wanting to stay with you instead of asking for a break. I suggest you wait and see what happens. Since you want her back, stay in touch with her. Did she said how long she thinks the break is going to last?

Those posts had nothing to do with the break. That was just a day long thing that I did because I was tired of dealing with some of the people here.

No, I wasn't with her when her friend died. She died three years ago as of this coming up October. She used to be bigger as well... and she lost a lot of weight a year ago. I wasn't with her then either.. but I've been with her as she steadily lost more and more.

I'm not making excuses. I'm understanding. I can't pretend to know what's going on with her emotionally so I'm not going to just assume the worst.

[Citycat]

Ok then. Thanks for clearing that up. Don't be hard on yourself. Fingers crossed that she'll change her mind soon.

[Cain]

I'm better now than I was last night or earlier today.

I just can't wait until this is behind us... together or not.