Moving on "too fast"

[starbuck]

I'm the kind of person who, once I get out of a serious relationship, needs a good amount of time before I'm actually able to get into another relationship. Even if I feel like I've "moved on" emotionally, it still takes me six months to a year to actually be able to fall in love with someone else. But I know some people move on faster than that and in no time flat, they're professing their love to someone else.

How fast is "too fast" when it comes to moving on?

[Citycat]

There are no rules, sweetie. Love can hit you when you least expect it. In my opinion, normal people usually grieve for a long time after a serious relationship. However, those people with types and high criteria might fall for someone after a month or so. Eg. if you've been looking for a guy who looks like Johnny Depp and is smart, funny, kind, caring, has an awesome job, etc. for your whole life, and you meet such a guy a fortnight after your serious relationship is gone for good, then you'll move on much quicker than when left alone in over-analysis of the past.

[Cain]

If you are able to move on to someone else in a couple of days... I don't see how you could have loved the other person. Sure, there might be an attraction to someone else, but feelings don't just disappear... unless the breakup was due to something bad.

Like in my situation, the breakup wasn't due to her cheating or anything, so it'd take me several months to even start to get over the whole thing. There's no way I'd move on in a month.

[Citycat]

But if you two had 10 "breaks" like the one you're having now, then after the eleventh, why shouldn't you move on after a month? My friend was waiting for her ex b/f to make up his mind and be more caring and serious in the relationship, and after their 8th big fight/break, she realized she can't wait anymore and that her love has lessened (which doesn't mean she didn't love him, she adored him and forgave 10000 of his bullshits). And then, 5 weeks after she found a man with whom she's very happy and who is her husband now. Bottomline, everything's possible. Never say never.

[Cain]

But if you two had 10 "breaks" like the one you're having now, then after the eleventh, why shouldn't you move on after a month? My friend was waiting for her ex b/f to make up his mind and be more caring and serious in the relationship, and after their 8th big fight/break, she realized she can't wait anymore and that her love has lessened (which doesn't mean she didn't love him, she adored him and forgave 10000 of his bullshits). And then, 5 weeks after she found a man with whom she's very happy and who is her husband now. Bottomline, everything's possible. Never say never.

The point of that is that her feelings for her ex started to diminish after a couple of the breaks and each break took away more of her feelings, therefore when she finally got the urge to break up with him for good she didn't feel the same way she did in the beginning.

This break I'm in is only the second. There won't be a third. Therefore when we end the relationship for good, I'll still have major feelings for her. I won't be able to move on in a month.

EDIT: I tried to move on after we had the first break. It lasted about three weeks. I had basically spent two weeks with the new girl and was trying to get over my feelings for my current gf so I could move on. The day after I spent the night at the girl's house, my gf told me that she missed and needed us. That was the last time I talked to the other girl because I wasn't over my current gf. That's the point. Feelings, true feelings, take a while to get rid of.

[starbuck]

Personally, if someone moves on very quickly after me, it makes me question the validity of his prior feelings for me.

[Cain]

Personally, if someone moves on very quickly after me, it makes me question the validity of his prior feelings for me.

Exactly.

If my gf found a guy a month after we broke up, I would think that she was never truly in love with me like she said she was.

For the record, I think there's an emotional burden only if it's a serious relationship where the two were "in love" with each other.

That's why I'd know my gf's feelings for me were bullshit if she found another guy during this break. Luckily, I know her enough to know that another guy isn't in the picture.

[Citycat]

But, then again, your g/f may think your emotions for her were bullshit since you spent 2 weeks with another girl soon after your breakup. Does your g/f know you were with this girl?

[Cain]

But, then again, your g/f may think your emotions for her were bullshit since you spent 2 weeks with another girl soon after your breakup. Does your g/f know you were with this girl?

She knows I was hanging out with her, yes.

My point is that if I would have been able to move on, then she would have every right to think my feelings for her were bullshit. But keep in mind, this was after only three months of being with her. If she were to do the same thing now, it'd be a lot different because it's a year later. I know that I wouldn't be able to move into another relationship right now. And for the record, the girl that I was talking to... we weren't in a relationship. We were only hanging out. It wasn't really even dating.

[lesa]

Personally, if someone moves on very quickly after me, it makes me question the validity of his prior feelings for me.

I would feel confident that it's just a fling. Flings (or rebound relationships) doesn't count to me and can sometimes be a lifesaver as long as you tell them and have them understand your intentions.

To get back to a serious relationship after the breakup of a serious one: 3-6 months and above....but there is no time limit, imo. It took me 1 year (exactly) and I was not trying....it just happened.

[shh!]

In my single days, I was able to move on relatively quickly (except for the first heartbreak). I've always been the dumper (rather than the dumpee), and I was emotionally gone long before I formalized it, and by that time, there was absolutely no hope left. I think the hardest part to get over are the unresolved hopes you had for the relationship.

[anachronistic]

Too fast is dating other people when you honestly feel, without pity, that you might still belong with this person. Let's face it, some of us do rush in and have a little rebound relationship. They kind of make you feel better, don't they? You know why they call it rebound though; the people just don't meet all of our needs.... so these relationships are bound for failure, because eventually you realize this and break up.

If you move on too fast, you tend to be a little desperate; it's kind of like when you're being timed, you're always racing with the clock, and you're unable to be as rational as you can really be. You know what it's like. You know what you're racing when you're trying to move on? Your own feelings.

Personally, you feel like you *have* to be in a relationship, you feel like it's almost too late to settle down, and if you don't do something now, you're going to end up single for the rest of your life. Don't be pressured by those feelings so much. Not only that, but you're being pressured by this guy. Remember what I said, tell him to roll his tongue back into his mouth, lol. The way he pressures you does not help you in the decision making. You don't need to hear him whine every time you talk to him. You should seriously have a talk with him about that. Tell him you're trying to figure out what is best for everyone and that he shouldn't be depending on this relationship happening as much as he is. He needs to make an effort to try and move on, too. Of course, you might actually decide to settle down with him, but you can't think about it if you are pitying him and he is begging you the entire time.

So when you're moving on, just gotta learn to be cool. You can date people while you're moving on, just be rational about it. It's been about two years since my significant relationship, I'm not over her either, but I am still dating and stuff. I'm looking for someone who's right for me. I know you are, too, but you gotta avoid guys like the sloth I think you learned how to do that, though.

Who is right for you? I think the only way you will find out is by dating other people. Even if you do end up with that guy... it is something you have to do. You have to assure yourself.

I hope you can get out there and meet some more guys. I know what it's like to be lonely!

[Dasein]

In my single days, I was able to move on relatively quickly (except for the first heartbreak). I've always been the dumper (rather than the dumpee), and I was emotionally gone long before I formalized it, and by that time, there was absolutely no hope left. I think the hardest part to get over are the unresolved hopes you had for the relationship.

I am pretty much the same except I still felt bad after ending my relationships.

After my last major relationship I MADE myself go out and meet people after a month and then started dating. Purely a rebound but it helped get over everything.

[Gribble]

I could move on the very next day, no problems. Once the relationship is done whatever tenuous emotional connection there was is instantly severed.

But I try to be a mildly decent guy and I wait a month for her sake. I think a month is a respectable length of time.

[Cain]

I could move on the very next day, no problems. Once the relationship is done whatever tenuous emotional connection there was is instantly severed.

But I try to be a mildly decent guy and I wait a month for her sake. I think a month is a respectable length of time.

Then you've never been in love.

And there's nothing wrong with that. But if you had been in love with anyone, you wouldn't be able to move on so quickly.