At a loss

[Otama]

Ok some background first: I am 40, married with 2 kids. Married for two and a half years. Marriage was certainly not a planned event but not an unwelcome one either if you know what I mean. Not a 'beer and skittles' marriage by any definition and have been going through a bad patch for last 9 mths or so.

Recently I have met someone through work who is 12 years younger and in a nutshell we have hit it off. Now I know what you are thinking but it is not a crush or even close to being superficial. Those of you who are spiritually (not religious) minded may know what I am talking about. What we feel for each other is unlike anything I have felt before. To answer the question which is now out there. No we have not taken anything to a physical level beyond a hug in consolation at the universes poor attempt at humour. Both of us would never take that step. I know it would kill her and I couldn't do it to her or myself or my family. We are resigned to the fact that in this lifetime we are not meant to be together. My problem is this: I work with her. I am not about to fall out of love in a hurry and neither is she. What should I do? I am pretty miserable knowing I can't even hold her hand but like I said resigned to the whole thing. What choice do I/we have?

[ecojeanne]

Do u care about ur wife? do u care about ur kids? do u think ur in ur own movie?? seriously! so u get on with a girl in work.....so what! so ur both on the same page....why did u marry ur wife? did u think she was perfect for u?....if not why did u marry her?...how cruel r u?....ok so r u sayin u and ur wife are not as connected anymore? have u discussed this? have u tried to spice things up? the grass is always greener.....have u forgotten how u felt about ur wife? or maybe not......its up to u to decide what kind of person u really are......sorry to be harsh but thats reality.....

[Gribble]

Master your emotions and set them aside. You aren't a twenty year old boy anymore. It shouldn't be that difficult. Whatever it is that's running through your head, the reality of the situation is simple. You're in your 40's. She's young, attractive and interested in you. That's got to feel damn good. But you've got obligations that extend beyond your own personal (temporary) feelings.

[michzel creativ]

There are many times when family pressures may force you to end the relationship. Before you end the relationship, you must know if you would be able to handle his/her absence in your life. If you continue to talk and be with this woman for sure you will be tempted trust me. Better to think if you are ready to start one...Divorce used to be viewed as a sign that you had "failed" at marriage. Most people see divorce as a sign of freedom.

[1averagejoe]

There are many times when family pressures may force you to end the relationship. Before you end the relationship, you must know if you would be able to handle his/her absence in your life. If you continue to talk and be with this woman for sure you will be tempted trust me. Better to think if you are ready to start one...Divorce used to be viewed as a sign that you had "failed" at marriage. Most people see divorce as a sign of freedom.

I'm sorry but you really need to stop posting responses...why the hell are you suggesting this guy tear apart his family. You should be banned imho.

Anyways, back on subject.

The feelings you're having towards this young girl are just your emotions getting built up. It's emotions...that's it. There's no connection between you and her. It's all chemicals in your body, like ecstasy building up emotions and making you feel good inside. It's natural, but at someone your age you should have already learned how to manage these emotions. You're a married man, you have responsibilities, you have children, not only will divorce destroy your wife, but it will be hard on your kids as well. Are you willing to put them through that for some horny young girl? Chose wisely because the decisions you make now are things you're going to have to live with for the rest of your life.

I say you stop chatting a lot with this girl, doesn't mean you have to be rude to her, but keep contact to a minimum. Also don't go out with her or have lunch, or private moments with her at all. Don't call her, unless it's business. And if you can, look for another position in the company or get a different job. It may sound hard but you're in a sticky situation...your job or marriage. You may be able to pull both off, but it's going to be hard working with this girl around.

This is another reason, romance at work is not a good idea.

[michzel creativ]

hey! I got my own idea men, post yours too!

[Tedel]

In plain English, you are married, you can't, period.

Now, being more human, I know you can find this situation flattering, but it is just an infatuation. Nobody's asking you to change your job, stop talking to the girl or anything similar... but, if you feel you are "under temptation", it is better to give yourself a space, chill out and then return to have things as always.

Hope this helps.

[misombra]

leave her alone!!!

[Otama]

What was I thinking to expect any sort of coherent advice from the net. I know context is hard in cyberspace but come on people did any of you actually read my post? Was the urge to resort to cliche just too strong was it too hard to look past the ages I used? Doesn't matter. The situation is resolved as best it can be when two people love each other like we do. For the sake of context no we are not having an affair and we never will. Sad to think people out there seem to see the bad in love. Love is never bad. It's indifferent, it's painful and it can be a cause of sorrow but it is never ever bad. If you think that then you need to stop answering other peoples questions while you learn something about your inner heart. Most of all you should never ever ridicule someones love for another person by deeming it to be less than they say. That people is cruel, shortminded and speaks of profound bitterness and stops you from helping people as soon as you do it.

[starbuck]

How were people ridiculing you? By calling your love for her infatuation? That's not exactly ridiculing. It's a fairly valid assessment.

OP, if you don't like people's advice here, don't take it. I doubt that you are going to go anywhere and find that people would responsibly tell you to go ahead and leave your wife and kids for this woman you've recently met at work.

I thought the advice people gave you was fair.

[misombra]

leave her alone. quit being a bastard to your wife.

[LAtoJapan]

I totally understand what you are going through. Age doesn't matter and neither does the fact that you are married with kids either. Love is something that just comes all of a sudden and is quite uncontrollable. I have too been in relationships and fallen in love with other women. I am wondering though, how is she with the fact that you have a wife? and if she is ok, what would she expect from having a relationship with you? There are many things that you two need to discuss before moving onto the next level with her.

[Cain]

I totally understand what you are going through. Age doesn't matter and neither does the fact that you are married with kids either. Love is something that just comes all of a sudden and is quite uncontrollable. I have too been in relationships and fallen in love with other women. I am wondering though, how is she with the fact that you have a wife? and if she is ok, what would she expect from having a relationship with you? There are many things that you two need to discuss before moving onto the next level with her.

Bullshit. There IS something wrong with it.

He's married and has children.

If he left them for this other woman, he'd be an irresponsible asshole.

[Otama]

Crikey...did you even read my original post? Where in it did I say I was going to leave my family? Where in it did I say we were planning to take it any further? I actually said the opposite. I came here seeking practical advice in dealing with a situation I think we have handled pretty well. Don't know where you people come from but this little black duck has no control over who he falls in LOVE with. If you do then bottle the secret and sell it. 'Misombra' you sound like a bitter fool who has nothing to offer but vitriole based on nothing. 'Starbuck' did it seem like I was seeking info on how to leave my wife? If it did you didn't read my post.

Here I will summarise for you all. Met a woman, fell deeply in love, don't want a r'ship with her as i am married with kids, on this we both agree wholeheartedly. We work together. I wanted solutions as to how to deal with that situation. Not how to leave my wife, to have an affair or otherwise. Forget it. As I said we sorted it out and so far it is working.

[starbuck]

'Starbuck' did it seem like I was seeking info on how to leave my wife? If it did you didn't read my post.

Yes, I did read your post and it made me kind of ill. Shit like this makes me scared of getting married.

Telling you to put the needs of your wife and kids first IS giving you advice on how to deal with your emotions.