The month is coming to a close. Late May we had the talk about going our separate ways after she told me that she would no longer continue with the fertility progam, and how we had grown apart (her excuse was due to my sickness, lack of emotional, financial support, and not making her feel appreciated...) I have written about it in other posts.
I moved out, and doing the things I need to do to get stronger, better, and move on with my life. But I still miss her dearly, I am not sure why I have taken it so hard with this woman. Sure it is because I love her, but I know that it is also because I am attached to her in a big way...and hate to loose all we've built together...made a home, memories, etc.
Anyways, I feel that even if I get myself together, regain my emotional stability, continue to work on myself...that I may have lost her for good. This makes me sad, and It also reminds me that I am still vulnerable, and that I haven't let go of hope, and it is tormenting me...
Maybe it is normal to feel what I am feeling, and maybe I need to just take it like a man, and stay strong, and hopeful that things will turn out for the better.
I even have prepared a good bye letter to give to her when the time comes. This came after a long night of thinking and dreaming about my relationship with her, how she is now a free woman and will go about meeting other people, living the life that she used to live before I met her, and how now that I am changing, and in a different place than when I first met her, we will have different priorities. (She even made it a point to ask me if I had a 5 year plan.) I wanted her to be the mother of my children, my wife, her past being that, her past. What I feel now is that this time, I may want the same from a woman, plus more, someone who is kind, empathetic, loving, etc. etc. someone I can have a family with, I really want kids in my life... So I wanted to document my thoughts while they were fresh in my mind, and have prepared this letter in case I feel like giving it to her when the time comes that I move away from the area.
I think she feels that being unhappy for as long as she was, that it was a cross to bare which was to help me during my illness, to be there for me when I needed someone in my life the most. And she told me that now that I am healthy, her work is done. And that God put her in my life for this reason.
It is sad to think that she did it out of responsibility and not out of love. Why would she come back to an unhappy relationship? She is so discouraged that she is blinded for any hope of things turning around, which I know they are turning around for me and will. And she is quite preocupied with her new job, which she took right after we physically separated. So I know things haven't really sunk in for her...and she probably has been too busy to miss me (if she can even miss me.)
Not that many people can understand a person who was diagnosed with cancer, and what is going thru their mind, and the strong emotions one experiencies during the diagonosis, treatment, even during remission. I feel so hurt that that is the case with her. She thought I was being weak, but in reality I needed more time to heal emotionally. Physically and healtwise, I am 100%, thank God, but I am still healing from my emotional wounds.
Then there is the issue of her not feeling the love from me, and it hurts me even more knowing that she did not value the times we've spent together as much as I did. And the other crap that happened and was said during arguments, words that were said.
And so I have little hope today that we will ever get back together, and I need to find a way to be ok with it, as much as I'd hate to loose her for good. and open myself up to seeing other people when the time comes.
Sorry for babbling...I wanted to get this off my chest...