SERIOUS internal debate...

[joi_sasha]

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hey, all. joi sasha's my name. i am in serious need of some advice. i should listen to my womanly instincts, but sometimes even that seems to be wrong. i'll try to sum it up:

i've been in a few serious relationships (at least two to five years in length each). i am monogamous and *very* sensual and always quite honest. i like to spend time. i appreciate trust--a relationship cannot exist without it. so, i am dating a man who has the qualities that i would love for my future husband to have: intelligent (college educated), physically attractive (he models ), humorous to the UTMOST, someone mature and caring and sensible. when we decided to see one another, it was as if we already knew we would bond how we have over the past few months. i care for him dearly. for once, i feel as though i am dating someone i have commonalities with, and i would love for this relationship to last. he also believes what i do about marriage and family...it seems meant to be for years to come. maybe...

the issue is that, quite honestly, many friends have questioned his sexuality. and i have as well. he does have some very feminine qualities and accepts the fact himself. if you asked, he would call himself "metrosexual," a heterosexual man who has many feminine qualities stereotypically attributed to homosexual men. from what i've been told of his past, it seems that at one time he *was* attracted to men. i love his unique style and even find him to be fairly masculine, but this fact is something that i can hardly handle. i cannot see him with a man. of course that may be because i want him for myself. to discover this was shocking...and extremely hurtful. althoug he says that he has struggled with these feelings even after he felt them fading, he loves women and says he love me. i hurt right now because i've been in relationships where my man was cruel and unfaithful even when i was truly faithful, regardless of long distance.

maintaining trust is diffucult for me. so, i have hard feelings of distrust...now for men as well as women. my boyfriend is also a virgin...i am not. this is something i respect, but it also makes me question who he is actually attracted to. how do i know if he wants me as a woman if he is rarely affectionate, however sweet he is, and has never experienced making love to a woman? the questions that are running through my mind are many. i've also been physically and emotionally abused in the past...this new relationship is slightly sadistic. this scares me to the core, even though he makes it seem playful.

i feel that, as wonderful as certain aspects of this man ARE, i am setting myself up for more pain. i do NOT want to invest years of myself into something and end up unsatisfied (in more than one way) and without him in my life. i am ready to settle down. i am not sure if this is worth the spoken and unspoken risks involved. fear is driving this posting. anyone been here? are my risks realistic? if distrust lingered, would you stay in the relationship or simply go? please...any constructive comments are welcome...this is eating me alive, ever so slowly. *peace*

[squirrley]

I think Fear is what drives most people to NOT do something. Your fears are legit-afraid of being hurt again-I think a lot of people if not most are fearful of it. Hence they dont get involved or go into the relationship thinking its going to end anyway. They may even find a way out FIRST to avoid getting hurt. I think thats the real issue for you-not that HE has some aspects of his life that are somewhat conflicting you right now.

It sounds as though youre already questioning a great deal about your relationship and yourself-which is great-what it is you want or dont want...youve got a lot questions up there-and in my opinion I would want to figure those things out quickly-decide if you want to stay or leave and base those decisions for yourself and not on fear alone. You said he has all of the qualities youre looking for in a person but one seems to keep you guessing...some men do have femine qualities its not a bad thing-so he questioned his sexuality awhile ago-and he tells you its not like that anymore...do you not trust him? You have to have TRUST in a relationship if thats not there youre in trouble. Id give him a ton of credit for maintaining his virginity...how old is he anyway?

I dont know it seems like youre so fearful of everything or anyone that no one will have a fair shot with you...youre wall is up-Ive been there and its tuff to let that barrier down. Are you finding things to get out now? So you wont be burned? If all these things are TRULY bothering you and you cant find a way to get past them-how are you suppose to have a healthy relationship with HIM or anyone else down the road? In my opinion youre finding out things that youre not sure you want to deal with or want to deal with-if youre THAT uncomfortable with these things you should evalutate it-talk to him about it(if you havent already) and make a decision based on what you want for your future. If you cant get past HIS past then there might ALWAYS be a problem. But thats just it-its HIS past not yours...these things happened BEFORE you...it sounds as though hes not questioning it anymore and knows what he wants...I dont think its fair you'd hold that against him...that would be like him holding it against you because youre not a virgin...everyone has a past-whether we agree on what it was or is-that shouldnt matter- if the present time youre having a great, solid, loving, caring, and healthy relationship then thats what should be important.

IMHO-you have the right to be fearful-but facing your fears is what makes you stonger...and this is something you should face together...dont let your fears get the best of you...but if youre questioning so many things about HIM maybe hes not the one for you. But look to your inner self first...see what the inner core is-your own fears?

[BillyGalbreath]

um - if your scared this guy is gonna turn gay on you or something - **** him (not like leave, but I mean have sex with him) --- that will pull him away from the dark side - I remember when I was a virgin I wasnt gay - but i had everyone thinking I was - I guess you could say I was a 'metrosexual' too - but once I had my first taste of pussy (literally taste and ****) I was immediately pulled back to the light and away from the dark side. lol

So yeah - I say you get into his pants - dont give him head or a handjob or anal sex - any guy can do those things too - give him the goods

[joi_sasha]

Thank you both SO much for responding to my delima! I do agree that the past should be the past and he should be willing to talk to me about whatever he felt or is feeling. I just sense within my soul (and because of some of his words) that this desire is and will be a continual struggle him in the future. And with my trust issues, I just...could not handle being neglected or left for anyone, especially not a man. it would devistate me. Billy, I would LOVE to make that move, but I respect his decision to remain a virgin--he's 20, by the way, squirrley. at the same time, I must admit that our lack of physicality makes me feel that perhaps he is NOT attracted to me as a woman in a sexual way. it does make me worry at times. i've already thought that this TOTAL lack of sensuality (not sex) in our relationship could become a problem in and of itself in the future. so, I will share ALL that I have here with him...as soon as I get my thoughts together. I hope he is not offended by my asking and wondering and even my slight distrust. I'll update...

[KaWaiiSkYe]

Is it just me.. Or do you have two of the same posts in two different places..