Hatred

[Cain]

Cain, I've had to do NC on someone I cared deeply about. Noone is saying its easy. Its not, it was actually incredibly difficult. But it IS the best way to *quickly* reset your thinking about your relationship. In my case, it was the best thing I did for that relationship & I'm glad I had the strength to go through with it.

Think of it like an addiction (it actually IS, from a biochemical view). The best way to get over an addiction is to go cold turkey. Without going into a geeky behavioural psychology explanation, just trust me that it is the fastest way to get over her.

Noone is saying you can't be friends sometime in the future, but right now you need to think of your own mental & emotional health. Because your bitch of an ex isn't concerned, that's obvious. Protect yourself and go NC for a few months. She is an adult, she has chose to live without you. So let her. You aren't married, you DON'T owe her anything, Cain, except perhaps a decent breakup, which you gave her (it seems).

I think I had posted earlier that stated what I planned to do, but I'm not sure. I am planning on going with complete NC until Christmas and all I'm going to do is send her a text that wishes her happy holidays and then see what happens. I won't initiate contact again. By that time it'll have been almost four months since we've spoke and I'll have broken the ice. If she can't initiate contact, then I'll go another month or two of no contact and the process will repeat until she finally initiates it.

[shh!]

I swear, sometimes I believe you need to be kicked in the head by a mule to get it through your thick skull.

She's dating someone else.

You should forget about her and quit hoping there will be something else in the future.

She's moved on.

Find a new girl to call on the holidays.

[Gribble]

I think I had posted earlier that stated what I planned to do, but I'm not sure. I am planning on going with complete NC until Christmas and all I'm going to do is send her a text that wishes her happy holidays and then see what happens. I won't initiate contact again. By that time it'll have been almost four months since we've spoke and I'll have broken the ice. If she can't initiate contact, then I'll go another month or two of no contact and the process will repeat until she finally initiates it.

Now you're sounding like a creepy stalker. Dude. She's moved on. Forget about her. By Christmas she'll have forgotten about you.

[kene]

Question: When someone says they've moved on, does that mean they're seeing someone else, or that they're no longer interested in you?

[kene]

Yeah Cain, I hate to say it, but you're really being a fool. But I can completely understand why because I've been there before. Logic is out the window, and emotion is running high.

It's just my op of course, but here it is:

I think you can have two possible desirable outcomes here, getting back with her, or clearing your head and by design or accident get into a relationship with someone else.

In either case, dropping this broad like a sack of potatoes is in your interest. Why? Because chances are being a backup guy or some guy that'll always be there for this girl with saliva hanging from your mouth no matter how bad she treats you lessens you in her eyes and makes her less attractive to you and less of a catch. I mean what does it say about you that you let yourself get shit on? Move on. It might have been ok because at first things were confusing and maybe she needed a little time to straighten her head out, but that's not the case at this point.

Now the second thing is a pretty important question, and realistically, why would you want this girl back? Because you are or were in love and logic is out the window? There's not a base for something really good to happen in the future. This chick is acting like a retard, and seems bipolar. I feel sorry for you if with a clearer head you don't think you deserve better than that.

My final advice, say whatever you want to say to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better if you still feel things bottled up inside of you.... you don't deserve to carry weight from the bullshit she told you. You deserve better and are worth more than her emotional crap. Keep it brief though, not a long emo rant. And tell the truth, even if somewhat unkind.

Then NEVER EVER EVER EVER initiate contact with her. **** birthdays, christmas, holidays or anything.

If she come back to you before that (and chances are the relationship she is in now is gonna fail----badly!!!), chances are you'll be of a better mind and (as much of a stretch as it may seem to you right now) you'll probably won't even want to deal with her. And why should you?

[starbuck]

I don't think you're being creepy, Cain. You cared an awful lot about this woman, and you're still trying to wrap your head around everything. You just need some time. I'm pretty sure you're going to come to the same conclusion after a while when it just won't make any sense to you to keep hanging on.

Go out and force yourself to have some fun. If I lived closer, I'd take you out, get you drunk, and introduce you to some pretty young things who would flirt with you all night long and make you feel fantastic. You need to get your mind off of Miss Flake, and go live it up. That's what being young and in college is all about isn't it?

[kitty001]

By that time it'll have been almost four months since we've spoke and I'll have broken the ice. If she can't initiate contact, then I'll go another month or two of no contact and the process will repeat until she finally initiates it.

What makes you think she'll eventually initiate contact if you follow this plan?

Wishing her a merry christmas might be okay, but I'd leave it at that. Don't contact her again after that (unless it's years later and you both have gotten completely over each other..)

[Cain]

I swear, sometimes I believe you need to be kicked in the head by a mule to get it through your thick skull.

She's dating someone else.

You should forget about her and quit hoping there will be something else in the future.

She's moved on.

Find a new girl to call on the holidays.

I don't know where you all got the idea that I was going to be sitting here and twiddling my thumbs hoping that she and I will get back together. I'm going to be out doing my own thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I still care for this girl. I'm not contacting her in hopes she'll say that she wants to get back together. I'm only seeing if we can try to maintain the friendship that we had. There's nothing wrong with that.

After four months, that should be plenty of time for me to be over her and move into friends.

[Cain]

Now you're sounding like a creepy stalker. Dude. She's moved on. Forget about her. By Christmas she'll have forgotten about you.

I doubt she'll have forgotten about me by Christmas. Will she still care about me? I don't know, but I do know that she won't have forgotten about me. If she's able to forget me, she never loved me in the first place.

I think you guys are all looking at this the wrong way. I'm not anticipating on us getting back together. All I'm doing now is seeing if we can salvage a friendship later on.

[Cain]

Yeah Cain, I hate to say it, but you're really being a fool. But I can completely understand why because I've been there before. Logic is out the window, and emotion is running high.

It's just my op of course, but here it is:

I think you can have two possible desirable outcomes here, getting back with her, or clearing your head and by design or accident get into a relationship with someone else.

Once again, I'm not anticipating getting back with her. At this point, all I'm doing is seeing if we can salvage the friendship. She was a good friend before the break up. And if I find someone else, good. I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now though. I'm 22 and I have been in this relationship with her since I was 20. I want to have fun and I'm going to enjoy my life for a while. If I meet an amazing girl in the meantime, then I might consider going to a serious relationship again.

In either case, dropping this broad like a sack of potatoes is in your interest. Why? Because chances are being a backup guy or some guy that'll always be there for this girl with saliva hanging from your mouth no matter how bad she treats you lessens you in her eyes and makes her less attractive to you and less of a catch. I mean what does it say about you that you let yourself get shit on? Move on. It might have been ok because at first things were confusing and maybe she needed a little time to straighten her head out, but that's not the case at this point.

I'm not being a backup guy, because like I've said, there's no chance that we'll get back together until there's no distance between us and I'm not moving. Therefore at the VERY earliest, it'd be over two years... and that's if she moved here. And I don't plan on that happening. And trust me, there's no saliva hanging from my mouth. You make it seem like I'm still captivated with this girl. Yes, I love her. Yes, I'm not over her yet. Yes, I miss what we had and who she was before this break up. You mentioned that she might need time to straighten her head out... she still might. It's only been a month and that is definitely not enough time for this situation to be resolved... and like I said... this is something that would take years even if we DID get back together in a couple of years.

Now the second thing is a pretty important question, and realistically, why would you want this girl back? Because you are or were in love and logic is out the window? There's not a base for something really good to happen in the future. This chick is acting like a retard, and seems bipolar. I feel sorry for you if with a clearer head you don't think you deserve better than that.

Yes, I deserve better than the bullshit I've been fed for the last month, but it's hard for me to absorb all of this because for the last year, things were perfect. We would get into tiny arguments every now and then, but it was never anything big. The relationship was good. Do I like what has happened? No. Do I agree with how she's handled this? No. But like I said, I don't know what would have happened had we not been separated by distance. Most couples can't make it through the distance anyways and we were having to do it for two years.

My final advice, say whatever you want to say to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better if you still feel things bottled up inside of you.... you don't deserve to carry weight from the bullshit she told you. You deserve better and are worth more than her emotional crap. Keep it brief though, not a long emo rant. And tell the truth, even if somewhat unkind.

No, I'm not going to. There's no point. I've said what I wanted to say and the only thing that could give me closure is getting real answers from her, but because she's fed me so much I don't know what's true and what's not. I'm going to stick with my no contact for now.

Then NEVER EVER EVER EVER initiate contact with her. **** birthdays, christmas, holidays or anything.

Like I said, I'm only looking to salvage the friendship.

If she come back to you before that (and chances are the relationship she is in now is gonna fail----badly!!!), chances are you'll be of a better mind and (as much of a stretch as it may seem to you right now) you'll probably won't even want to deal with her. And why should you?

I don't know who she's dating now. I don't know his name or anything about him. I think he was more of a convenience and a rebound and I'm sure that they will eventually break up. I'll be in a better mindset when I have this four months of no contact with her, so I'm not going to be all jumping into a new relationship with her. Like I've said, if we ever did get back together, it would be after we've gone to couple's therapy to figure out what the problem is and it'll be after we don't have distance between us. I expect both of us to have dated several people in the meantime if we ever did get back together.

[Cain]

What makes you think she'll eventually initiate contact if you follow this plan?

Wishing her a merry christmas might be okay, but I'd leave it at that. Don't contact her again after that (unless it's years later and you both have gotten completely over each other..)

I don't know if she'll initiate contact with me. If it looks to me like she's not going to try to initiate any contact at all and doesn't care to, then I definitely won't keep trying to contact her. It's likely that all I'm going to do is wish her a Merry Christmas and then see what she does. I might avoid all contact until her birthday which is in the middle of the year and if there's still nothing after that, I'll drop the idea of even trying to salvage a friendship.

[Cain]

I don't think you're being creepy, Cain. You cared an awful lot about this woman, and you're still trying to wrap your head around everything. You just need some time. I'm pretty sure you're going to come to the same conclusion after a while when it just won't make any sense to you to keep hanging on.

Go out and force yourself to have some fun. If I lived closer, I'd take you out, get you drunk, and introduce you to some pretty young things who would flirt with you all night long and make you feel fantastic. You need to get your mind off of Miss Flake, and go live it up. That's what being young and in college is all about isn't it?

I've said that I'm going to go out and have fun. I've got a loaded schedule with school, studying, and the gym, but on my weekends I'll be going to main campus to hang out with some buddies of mine. I'll be fine.

[kene]

Your odds of salvaging friendship with this fruitcake isn't too good, and if you do, chances are you won't find it as rewarding as you thought it would be.

[Cain]

Your odds of salvaging friendship with this fruitcake isn't too good, and if you do, chances are you won't find it as rewarding as you thought it would be.

I've been friends with her for years. We've been very good friends and in a serious relationship for a year and a half. If it can be salvaged, I'd like to try. If not, oh well. I don't understand why it's bad to try.

She wants to salvage a friendship. She just wants us to be over each other before we do. I agree. And that's why I'm not contacting her for a while.

[lesa]

It seems so easy, right?

Honestly, if she would have told me all of the things she told me the last time we talked when we broke up, I would have had such an easier time moving on through all of this. The problem is that I'm not sure of the reasons for all of this. Yeah, she may have broken up with me just so she could date this guy and see what happened. But maybe not. I know that to all of you it looks like it, and honestly, it does to me at times too. If she and I had a normal relationship where we weren't dealing with distance and family pressure didn't occur, then I'd have an easier time knowing what was going on and letting it sink in. We have dealt with distance for over a year and still had seven months left. I don't know if it was finally the distance that got her, added in with the pressure from her parents...

I'm doing the NC. Don't worry about that. I don't think I'll ever know what the real reason was for all of this, so I can either assume the worst or I can assume nothing.

I am confident that it's not the distance, especially since you guys had only 7 months left. A LDR doesn't really do that to people who really love or are very fond of each. Oh and I agree with others that you sound like a plan B for her.