I need advice on my crazy lovelife!!

[J_A]

Hello everbody!
I'm new to this forum, but I need your advice! After reading some of your poems and posts I decided to ask some advice myself. It's a long story so thanks for your time in advance! It might contain grammar errors etc. since I'm living in a country where English isn't the first language .

I've been friends with a girl for like 2 years (I'll refer to her as N). We were really close, we talked all the time. She gave me hints that she loved me and I give her hints back, but still I never kissed her or anything, because she was a really really shy girl and it was really hard to get close to her. We used to talk for like hours a day (via MSN or when I saw her when going out) and although we never kissed it did feel like a relationship (to be). It was really stupid but eventually when we realised we liked eachother a lot we got more and more fights all the time. She got mad (for example) when I got too close to a girl that we both knew, although I only saw that girl as just another friend. Things got more and more complicated! It's really hard to explain, but we started to ignore each other while going out, because we were always angry with eachother for one stupid reason. She is such a closed person that I always started to doubt the way she felt about me. Sometimes she didn't go out or didn't want to go to the cinema when friends of mine asked her (and she knew that I was going with them) and that made me angry and just the other way around she somehow always doubted the way I felt about her. We both shared the same friends and that didn't help either since it looked like a good female friend (I mentioned before) we both shared didn't want me to be with N (and preferred me for herselve) and a male friend of mine always acted kind of jealous by saying stupid things about me etc. to N.
I started to doubt everything about her and it made me crazy so I started to hang out with that good female friend more and more and ignoring the girl (N) I truly liked. Eventually I pushed it too far when at a party I talked with that good female friend about N and said that my feelings for N we'ren't really that deep and it was probably fading away, the good female friend wanted me to be clear to her about my feelings for N, so I said this, but it actually was just a lie. N accidentily heard this and it made her really doubt in us (which is logical of course, what a stupid thing of me to do). I'm a really complicated person and somehow I want every girl to like me as much as possible (hence me lying to the good female friend), but this time I just pushed it too far.
N and I got a fight via MSN the other day and she said that it just wasn't working between us. We both concluded that we'd beter stop, with whatever we had. It was really hard and things got emotionally, I started telling things like how stupid I was and that the only girl I truly liked never realised it etc. so eventually she said that this didn't have to be forever (she was already changing her mind). Ofcourse we both couldn't stick to this decision and the next day we already spoke again, talking about we better just lighten things up a bit, stop fighting and stop having personal conversations, but just keep it to light conversations and talk a lot less to eachother than before in the hope of things getting better. Eventually I almost didn't speak to her for a week and the week had ended, so it was saturday night (one of the only nights I could see her for real, in stead of talking to her via MSN or SMS etc.). But she didn't show up, so it kind of made me feel down all over again, especially since I was hoping to see her so that I could show how much I actually felt for her. The next day (sunday) I talked via MSN to that good female friend of us about how typical it was for N not to show up and that people who never feel like going out, better stay at home for all the time. The good female friend showed this to N (what a bitchy thing to do ) so N got mad a me again. I lied to her that I wasn't really talking about her and then things got really radical! She asked me how I could talk about her like this after all the things we talked about a week ago and even keep lieing to her. Eventually she told me she wanted me to leave her alone (at first she only meant for that day), so I got mad too and said: "Oke, goodbye for a long time!!" Ofcourse I didn't really mean it, but after that things only went downward. I talked to her every once in a while (with spaces of a week), but she just wouldn't lighten up and that didn't help, since it would only make me say more stupid things. Eventually she still told me to leave her alone for a while. She couldn't tell me what she meant with "a while" so we kept fighting about it and eventually I really couldn't stand it anymore. She kept saying she didn't want us to stop hanging out for good, but she was getting really really tired of things at the moment. I couldn't stand her for not being clear about things, so eventually I decided to tell her goodbye for good! I e-mailed her afterwards, saying that she was the only one who could turn things around at this point and that I really did like the things we used to have, but she really went too far this time. She reacted at MSN (while I wasn't at my computer) saying that the e-mail excisted of a lot of overreacted things (it's hard to translate exact, it was a kind of expression, but it was a harsh thing to say, since I also said a lot of sweet things in the e-mail). And that was the last thing she ever said to me and since then I never talked to her anymore. It's been 6 months since then. I still see her almost every week, when I'm going out, but we don't talk to each other. Sometimes I just look at her and she looks at me back. One time we even had eye contact for like 3 minutes and eventually she smiled, but we still didn't talk after it. Nowadays she still looks at me, but kind of in a mad way, looking at me for a few seconds and after that in a kind of disappointed (angry) manner she's moving her eyes away from me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just too damn proud/ afraid/ confused to go and talk to her. Sometimes I thing I'm over her, but when I see her again I just can't take my eyes away from her. When I'm bored I always get depressed and start thinking about her and about the beautiful moments we used to have (when I gave her a present etc.).
Can you people please help me out and tell me what I should do?? She is really shy etc. (like I told before), so her coming to me, probably ain't never going to happen. I don't know if she still loves me, but if she looks at me like the way I told you, doesn't that mean anything?? Or do you think I should just move on and focuss on other girls.... Everytime I go out and try to focuss on other girls it just reminds me of her and I feel like nothing really compares to her .

Thank you for your time and advice!

Yours truly,

J

[tim_tenma]

I think that you basically need to make a decision, which boils down to whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with this girl. Since you seem sort of attached to her, I'm assuming you will choose to pursue her. That being said, you cannot just leave her alone. Six months of no contact is a long time. Now is the time when you need to meet her, alone if possible (by asking her through email/phone/MSN). You need to say you want to talk with her. If she accepts, it is somewhat of a good sign. If she asks why, you need to say that you are sorry for your mistakes (only if you REALLY mean it). You need to take responsibility for the mistreatment you have given her, and you need to say that you are committed to being only with her. Even telling her all this over MSN would be good, but in person would be better to show you are sincere.

You need to come up with a plan to improve yourself. You MUST stop talking trash about her to this friend of yours. I understand that its nice to have someone to express your frustrations to, but that person should be someone who is trustworthy with such info, NOT this female friend of yours! The girl you want is clearly not liking your flirting with other girls, so you might consider whether you are willing to change this about yourself in order to be with her. If not, you should go through the process of getting over her.

She may only want to be friends with you. You will need to think about whether or not you can live with this. Sometimes, people get back together after becoming friends after a break up. It happened that way with me. But do not assume that she wants you if she lets you become her friend again.

Good luck