Relationship changes, and questions about feelings

[clarrest]

I have been living with and dating a guy for 2 ½ years. I told him before I started dating him that I do not want to live with a guy for a long time (1 year) without a further commitment (engagement). I told him that if he is not ok with that, than don’t enter the relationship with me. He said he 100% understands my wishes.

After the first year was up and no commitment.... I was very upset. He knew that I did not want a long term live in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but claimed he loved me too much and was scared to loose me so he said he was ok, when he really wasn’t.
Year two went by, and we are both very busy full-time students, so he used that as an excuse not to be engaged, (no money as we are broke students).
We also happened to have a massive fight this summer, where we temporary broke up. (for a couple hours). Of course he was drinking alcohol at the time, but we both said hurtful things, especially him. One thing he said stuck with me in my head.... he said that it was about time we ended the relationship, and that we both knew it was coming for a long time.
Ever since this big fight, I have been bitter. And its killing our relationship. I am not as affectionate, but I still love him. I just don’t know why I am acting this way. Its not fair to him or me..... can someone fill me in, perhaps I am just blind to something very simple that can address/or fix this problem in my life.
We are both still students until the winter.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate your time and advice as I do not have anybody to talk to about this.

[ecojeanne]

why are you in such a rush to get engaged? you sound young...

[clarrest]

Late 20's.

Not that I am in a rush, I just do not want to live with a guy that long..... I have had a 4 year live in relationship and a 3 year live in relationship before this one.

[ecojeanne]

ye but you need to decide together that you want to get engaged, if he doesn't yet but you love him....is it worth breaking up over....people don't have to get married....i know it's the norm but yes if you had kids i would agree....maybe i'm off base, but here in Ireland a lot of people leave it late to get married and its usually because there are kids involved

[shh!]

he used that as an excuse not to be engaged, (no money as we are broke students).
.

Honestly, I think most males consider living together a good way to avoid marriage, while women consider it the next step towards marriage. If you didn't want to live with a man you weren't married to, you should never have done it. It sounds like your goals are not the same as his.

Sorry. It sucks to be in your position.

[starbuck]

Clarrest, I don't think that you were wrong for moving in with him, but you were inconsistent with him about making sure your needs got met. You made your wishes clear that after a year, he needed to make a more firm commitment (engagement). After a year, if that wasn't done, you should have separated.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you were setting yourself up for resentment by staying with him after that year went by. If these are the wishes you have for yourself you have to do yourself a favor (as well as him) and stick to those guns.

I'm sorry, you're going through this as well. It's a tough place to be in, and I'm sure it hurts like hell. My suggestion would be a physical separation with him since a break would do you both some good at this point. Is it financially feasible to do this?

EDIT: The reason I'm suggesting a break is for the time you might need to get the resentment out of your system. I'm not saying totally scrap the relationship, btw.

[ecojeanne]

i still don't understand the need to get engaged, marraige is considered the social norm....but why conform to this....you're only pressuring your guy to either leave you now or leave you later in the divorce courts quite possibly....i don't think pressuring is the way to go, why separate just because engagement is what is expected. If you love him and he loves you...whats the problem. I only agree with marriage when there are children involved for legal reasons and to tie people together more formally for the kids....however lots of people stay with each other for years and live happily. A wedding is an expensive party for all the relatives...waste of money in my view....however i get the whole every girls dream etc etc....but are you willing to just leave him like that for the sake of a piece of paper essentially

[shh!]

She's in her late 20s, eco. It is quite normal for a woman her age to want a formal commitment so she can perhaps begin to think about starting a family, assuming she wants a traditional family structure.

[clarrest]

Wow, I thank you so much for your advice. You have nailed it! This really helps me to understand that I am not totally selfish!

[ecojeanne]

it's all very superficial, how deep can your love be...

[starbuck]

it's all very superficial, how deep can your love be...

Ok Eco, go ahead and mock her personal choices. Because we know how helpful that can be.

[ecojeanne]

Ok Eco, go ahead and mock her personal choices. Because we know how helpful that can be.

no you get me wrong....i'm not mocking....c'mon she'll do and think what she wants...anyway she has plenty of comments from you and others to make her feel better about her choices....

what i am saying is there is a bigger picture....life, love, living thats more important in my view than getting stuck on something that breaks love up

[shh!]

I don't think this will "break love up". After 2 1/2 years, this guy should know if he loves her or not. If he doesn't, he needs to move on so she can find someone who does. Her fertility won't last forever, and at some point, women need to become practical if they want to have a family.

[ecojeanne]

I don't think this will "break love up". After 2 1/2 years, this guy should know if he loves her or not. If he doesn't, he needs to move on so she can find someone who does. Her fertility won't last forever, and at some point, women need to become practical if they want to have a family.

but why does she have to get married before she has children, i think yes if she wants a family discuss pregnancy.......it might be culture difference here....in Ireland most people now live together for years, get houses together and are essentially a 'married couple' without the title, when they start having children thats when marraige is discussed and usually happens for the sake of bonding the family unit legally and overall

[shh!]

Being married before you have children is the best guarantee you can get that the guy will stick around and help you raise the kids. It's not fool-proof, of course, but it's the best you are going to get. It offers a certain amount of legal protection for the children as well as the woman.

By and large, the people you know who have children and aren't married ended up pregnant by accident. Some people prefer to plan things out.

Also, males know it really IS a big deal to be married. If it weren't, they wouldn't be so resistant to it.