past causing insecurities & relationship problems.. Please help me

[Lost-Girl]

Well.. This will end up being a long read, a deep one and something very hard for me to write because i've never spoke about this before.

My lifes never been great. From the minute i was born things never went right My mothers family didn't want nothing to do with us, my dad died when i was young, my dads family, the majority of them, also died. When i was four my mum was in an abusive relationship. I saw it all and there was nothing i could do. Even now it terrifies me thinking back. She got a new partner, who shes with today. I was sexually abused twice, one of them times being my mums boyfriends dad. I never told anyone and i never will. My sister walked out of our family for an Iranian man.

I never had a bond with my mum. She never wanted to spend the time. Basically there was no-one for me in life. I got by on my own. Till one day i swallowed 35 sleeping pills, luckily surviving the overdose.. I tried counilling.. But i couldn't tell some woman my life story just because she'd been to college. Theres so much more to my life but its hard to speak of, so i'll move on to my point.

I met my boyfriend, and god he was my rock! First person i dared lean on in life. He's so amazing to me, always making me smile, telling me he'll get me away from it. He makes my life so amazing, sometimes i sit and cry with happiness, because i dont understand how i've suddenly got something this amazing.

But i always mess it up. I find it sooo hard to trust, im terrified one day he'll walk off on me.. So i always leave him and beg him to admit he's cheated or whatever. It kills him but he tries so hard and gets me back.. I want to change this so badly for him so i can help him understand its just because i need him so much.. I don't know how to change this feeling inside, or how to stop leaving him and push my insecurities and trust issues aside.. Please help me its killing me, and my relationship..

Thank you.

[Brighteyes]

Have you tried writing him a letter? He sounds like a great guy and he must love you to keep fighting for you the way he does. Him knowing about and understanding your past will allow him to understand why you are the way that you are and that you know it's something you really want to overcome.

Writing a letter allows you to think about how you want to convey the situation and allows you to get it all out without being interrupted. In real life conversation one small comment, no matter how innocent and heart felt, can scare you back into hiding your feelings and fears. With a letter hopefully you can get it out there in one go.

My parents are still together despite my dad physically attacking my mum on many occassions, sometimes unprovoked. I know it's hard to tell someone even if you really want to. Until this day I've only told one person - someone i'm really close to and only had the courage because I was very drunk at the time. I'm so glad I did though, because I feel so much closer to them and when I'm being closed off and tetchy they know why - that I'm just scared. They know getting defensive won't work and a hug and reassurance is what I really need.

[damn2008]

Instead of breaking up with him, perhaps it'd be better to sit down and discuss your insecurity issues with him when you start to get nervous about your relationship. Accusations based on your insecurities are understandable in the sense that its your past coming through, but they ARE hurting your relationship and pushing him away.

Perhaps you should discuss "tell-tale signs" and such about what can trigger these insecurities...and discuss ways to avoid, prevent, or promote discussion about how to cope with the feelings TOGETHER when they appear.

[Dasein]

Lost Girl you need need to seek help for the problems that you describe prior to meeting your boyfriend.

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of baggage around with you and rightly so. You obviously have had a bad childhood with numerous issues. I know you say that you can't talk to someone who just went to college but do not give up. Giving up is resigning yourself to the fact that you do not want to get better. If you use your boyfriend as your sole counsellor and confidant it will be too much for him eventually. It is also unfair to lump someone with all of your problems.

If you don't get much out of counsellors why don't you try alternatives? Why don't you go to a woman's support group or try hypnotherapy, meditation or starting a journal. These are just some suggestions but there are so many things out there you could try. The most important thing is not to give up.

Now back to your boyfriend. He should know how you feel and that you are seeking help. I am assuming that he never has actually cheated on you and that it is you who are wanting him to do something bad to you? The reason you do this is because you are scared of getting close to someone. You are afraid that if they get close they will hurt you. So you choose to push him away. Just be aware that there are just so many times that people can be pushed away before they will actually go.

With this said I think your fear of your boyfriend leaving lies entirely with you. If you keep pushing him it may happen BUT if you seek help and try to heal yourself I think you have a great chance to make it work.

Good luck

[kene]

I think you should show him the post you just made.

[Lost-Girl]

Dasein, Thanks for your reply. No, he's never cheated. I know deep inside he never would. But like you said it's like part of me wants him to so i just beg him to admit he has.. I don't even know why.. I guess him cheating would make it so i never had to wonder if he had or hadn't no more.

I'm gonna sit down with him, and tell him everything i can till eventually it gets too much and i can't say no more, then slowly build up from there. Thanks people

[Dasein]

Dasein, Thanks for your reply. No, he's never cheated. I know deep inside he never would. But like you said it's like part of me wants him to so i just beg him to admit he has.. I don't even know why.. I guess him cheating would make it so i never had to wonder if he had or hadn't no more.

I'm gonna sit down with him, and tell him everything i can till eventually it gets too much and i can't say no more, then slowly build up from there. Thanks people

You're welcome.

I DO understand why you are trying to push him away. He sounds like a great guy so don't overload him too much. Also try to get out of the habit of pushing him away. As I said you don't REALLY want him to go - so don't do it.

Please - get some help. Don't just rely on him. He is not trained to deal with all of the problems you have. He can be supportive but you need real assistance.

Good luck