Monogamy

[tiff_2005_any]

Hi, I am a 22 years old and my boyfriend is 29 years old. We have been dating for a little over a year, and recently we have started to have some major issues.

I am not sure if he is coming into an early midlife crisis or what, but he is oogling every girl, he keeps saying that he isn't sure if he is ready to settle for just one girl for the rest of his life.

I guess my question is, is this a normal phase? or am I just wasting my time on a man who doesn't quite know what he wants. I love him to death, and I want to make things work, but I don't want to waste my and his time if he is just going to want to venture out later. He won't give me a straight answer when I ask, just says the he has one life and he wants to live before it's too late.

Do all guys go through this? He says that I don't understand what its like to be a guy. and I don't. But I want to try and understand and learn and make this work.

[miSSleepy]

Yeah he doesn't seem quite ready to commit. I think most people go through this, and it's normal, but no one should commit to a serious relationship if they feel like this. It's probably better for you and him if you go your seperate ways, or things could get worse.

[tiff_2005_any]

I don't know that I can let him go. We have literally been through so much in the last year. I know I'm young and my heart will heal, but I don't know if I can go through another heart break. They hurt so much.

Have you ever heard "I know that we may not have a future together, but I will settle for right now, in the moment" that is almost me. I don't feel like I am settling with him, but I don't know if I will ever to curb his need to get out and venture.

If we were to split, and he were to go do his thing and in lets say 6 months called me, he would like to say that he would be crap outta luck, but as much as I love him I would stupidly take him back, is that wrong?

Should I ask him if that is what he wants? Do you want time to go spread your wings, go try new things, and if you decide that maybe that really wasn't what you wanted I'm still here for you, is that wrong?

Thank You for responding!

[shh!]

Yes, it's wrong. You aren't showing a shred of self-respect. If you don't respect yourself, why would he respect you?

Preserve your dignity.

[miSSleepy]

I don't know that I can let him go. We have literally been through so much in the last year. I know I'm young and my heart will heal, but I don't know if I can go through another heart break. They hurt so much.

In your first post you said you didn't want to waste your time if he was going to venture out again later. What has changed?
I don't know this guy, so I'm only going off what you said. And if he's as indecisive and non-committal as you say, you will go through this heart-break, anyway. Later, and much worse.

Have you ever heard "I know that we may not have a future together, but I will settle for right now, in the moment" that is almost me. I don't feel like I am settling with him, but I don't know if I will ever to curb his need to get out and venture.

Here, it depends what you want out of the relationship. If you're happy to settle for something casual and live with the fact that it probably will not last (and you're completely HONEST with yourself about that, not just using it as an excuse to continue) then that's your prerogative and if it works for something casual, go for it. But judging from your attitude, this isn't what you want, otherwise you wouldn't be fretting so much about his reluctance.

Should I ask him if that is what he wants? Do you want time to go spread your wings, go try new things, and if you decide that maybe that really wasn't what you wanted I'm still here for you, is that wrong?

Of course you should talk to him. Give him these options. But be critical of it still... while he's 'spreading his wings', you are not available... and when you are available, his wings should not be spread.

[GrkScorp]

Do all guys go through this? He says that I don't understand what its like to be a guy. and I don't. But I want to try and understand and learn and make this work.

That's total bullsh*t..

It's an all-too-convenient excuse on his part (and cheap) to throw the "you don't know what it's like because you're not one of my gender" thing your way..

I hate to break it to you.., but you don't need to be a guy to know how guys work..

He hasn't had sex with as many girls as he maybe wanted to in his life.., or perhaps the quality of women he's had sex with hasn't satisfied him.. (He hasn't had sex with enough 10's.., or 9's.., or maybe even 8's) And now it's starting to kick in.., He's 29 and thinking.. "If I get married.., I'll get old and never have fcuked all these gorgeous women in my lifetime.., every other guy will have crazy stories to tell at the family BBQs.., and I'll be the loser who just smiles and nods"

I do want to be clear.., this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.., don't let this hit your self esteem at all (ambitious statement.., I know) and try your best to not take this personally (again.., very ambitious statement).. It's not the case that you don't sexually satisfy him.., and it's not the case that you're not beautiful or sexy enough for him.. I at least want to get that out there.., and that's the honest truth!

The only thing that's going on.., is social conditioning kicking in.., in the US.., a man's concept of "masculine" or "manliness" is directly related to how many quality women he's slept with.. He may not even be that horny.., but he'll say he is.., because it's the manly thing to do.., even if a woman doesn't really move him.., he'll feel compelled to fcuk her.., because it compliments him masculine identity.. It makes him feel better about himself.., not that he's good in sex.., not that he's good-looking.., but that he's just more of a man..

It takes a couple of lays before a guy looks back on all of this and realizes how boyish.., childish.., stupid.., unproductive.., and what a wasteful allocation of time it all was.. Your boyfriend hasn't reached that lay threshold yet.. (don't say that to him.., or else you might insult him.., even that's maybe exactly what you want to do at this point)

If you both sit down one day.., and you explain to him that in all honesty.., you do respect him.., and he is free to do what he wants to do.., but he can't hit the "rewind" or "undo" button on life.., the choices he makes.., or how he makes you feel.. And that after he's acted on his "urges".., it may come the time where he realizes it's too late to change things..

Have him see himself there.., in that situation.., let him think about it.., if it's worth it.., let him discover and see for himself (in a non-offensive or pressuring way) if it's what he wants to do..

If he's honest enough to himself.., a strong enough character.., and understanding enough to listen to what you have to say.., then he'll see what you're talking about.., and you can definitely work this little bump in the relationship out..

If he's not.., then you've said what you've had to say.., and these lack of qualities is not something you need from someone you're in a relationship with.. Let them be your cue to make your exit..

Best,

GrkScorp

[shh!]

You are so young. I bet the guy who is right for you is out there, still looking for you, while you waste time with this guy who doesn't value you the way you deserve.