need help.. giving too much and am lost and hopeless..

[zebra19]

Hi, as some of you might know from my previous post, i'm in a relationship with a girl i'm in love with, but she is fully controlled by her parents. to a point that makes thing unbearable for me. other than this, she has issues of keeping things to herself and creating this big wall around her and won't let anyone in. we barely get to talk and see each other. whenever we do see each other, it's all stressed out because she has to be home soon, or we are worried she gets caught. we are both 27 by the way, which makes all these alot more difficult because she shouldn't be like this at this age.

she is amazing and i have strong feelings for her. but these things she does on top of the limitations we have has made me feel very lonely and sad. she all of a suddent doesn't call me for a whole full day and doesn't answer my calls or txt msgs. then she harshly says to me that 'if i don't have time i won't call you, or if i don't want to talk to you, i won't.. " which i understand, but she is just random. everything is fine between us and all of a sudden i'm being ignored. she keeps busy in her life and all i have to do is worry to see when she calls and when she has time so i can see her. all my schedule revolves around hers all the time. so it's painful to sit and see when she decides to call. and i fi miss her call, then it's another three hours, cuz she won't be able to pick up.

am i crazy? or is this unhealthy? am i expecting too much? what am i doing wrong? to me, she seems unstable.. moody about our relationship.. she tells me she doesn't like it when i keep in touch too much. so i let her be, but at the same time, she is so jumpy all the time that i might lose her for good. she comes all of a sudden and says she is leaving town for a whole month for a vacation with her brother! she is this random. please help. she is absolutely amazing when i'm with her. she stuns me and leaves me speechless and has many good qualities that i am not mentioning here, that are making me want to be with her. please tell me what to do.

i'm tired of having to match my timing with her all the time while she, everyday, goes through her usual schedule. i take time off work to see her, i take time off school to be with her.. i ALWAYS drive to be with her.. i know, i'm doing too much, but i will never get to see her if i don't do these.. help!

[frederika]

You love her, You do anything for her, You put up with her, It may not be a healthy relationship, but the question is.. is she worthed ? After all, love is sacrifice...

[kitty001]

It sounds like she is taking advantage of you. A relationship is a two-way street. You gotta give to get, and she seems to be seriously lacking in the "give" part.
She's making you feel bad for wanting to spend time with her and do other things that are part of a normal relationship..she's making you feel like crap, and you're letting her. I think you should end it.
Be honest with yourself. Would you describe this relationship as "good" or just "not so bad"? The person you're with should make you happy, not miserable.
Good luck.

[zebra19]

It sounds like she is taking advantage of you. A relationship is a two-way street. You gotta give to get, and she seems to be seriously lacking in the "give" part.

i agree with you. that is how it seems to be. but the reason i am still with her is because she is being held back by her parents in giving all she can in this relationship. we went away together once for a weekend, and she had nothing to worry about it, and she showed me her true self, where she does all she can for everything to be equal. she is being stopped by many things (that are bullshit and shouldn't happen at this age) but it's true. she is capable of being much more. but my patience is running thin... i have needs to in this relationship...

[kitty001]

the reason i am still with her is because she is being held back by her parents in giving all she can in this relationship.

What exactly is going on in this situation with her parents? She's 27. She should be independent by now. Are you sure you're not making up excuses for yourself to keep being with her?
Also, it doesn't sound like her parents and busy schedule are the only reasons this relationship is failing. If she loved you, she wouldnt ignore you or say things like "If i dont want to talk to you, I wont" on a regular basis. I could never imagine my boyfriend saying anything like that to me..that's just rude.

You've definitely made it sound like she puts almost no effort into the relationship. If she really cared, she would. People always find time for the ones they love.

[CherriBlossomGirl]

I will say it until I'm blue in the face. Give and take, give and take, give and effing take.

You're giving, giving, giving and taking nothing. She's taking, taking, taking and giving nothing. You will never be happy in a relationship like that. Compromise, compromise, compromise.

[CherriBlossomGirl]

You love her, You do anything for her, You put up with her, It may not be a healthy relationship, but the question is.. is she worthed ? After all, love is sacrifice...

Bull. Love is love and nothing more. Love goes both ways. Love is not aloof or fickle. Love doesn't fear the wrath of a mother or father. Love is NOT sacrifice. Love compromises. It's doesn't leech the life out of you.

[Hollywood]

Find some business of your own. One lesson I am learning with my boyfriend... is to stop making him my life. In the beginning... I would plan my day around him. When he would be busy with something else I would be sick to my stomach lol! I had to cut that shet out. I was too dependent on him just to make me happy. I was dependent on him for a lot of things. One thing you can't do is make someone want to be with you or around you. Sure you can force them to be with you and around you by doing something psychotic... but come on! What's worth it? You're sanity and self-respect? Or a female who pushes you away and gives you mixed emotions.

You're fully aware that she is not embracing your NEEDING to be with her. So in your free time... Go make some new friends, find yourself a new hobby, go exercise, join something and actively participate. You've already started a little something something by joining this forum. So take it off the net and find something productive to do.

[agatha]

she is taking advantage of you

Maybe. She knows you love her that much.

Another thing, you said that she was afraid by her parents, maybe she really does.

You have to talk to her about what you feel and you observed

[nanyen]

From above , you are a good man and really love her , but you should think about well , her parents stops from you two and she always complain sth , maybe it is worth for you , but you have a big give to her , if she love you very much , she should try her best to persuad her parents recieve you as her bf and youcan stay and chat with her whenever you are free , you must have a talk with her face to face and heart to heart , maybe you can have the conclusion if you will go on choose love her

[fCukl0vee]

Have you met her parents?
What do they think of you?
Maybe you could get into their good books then they wouldn't worry about you taking her out..
But if you're really fed up of continually having to do these things for her then maybe you should get out of there.. cos the parents sound nuts..

[zebra19]

Hello everyone...

i want to thank you all for all your help. you all made me see it from different views. since the time i wrote that, things have changed. i still need your help!

i decided to give her not as much as i used to, i used to be available for her 24/7. i cut that off, but before doing so, i told her that, "this isn't your issue, it's mine and i will fix it, i will need to spend some time for myself and get things under control again." she agreed and we moved on. the next day after this convo, we talked only when we could, i missed a few calls from her and she missed a few calls by me, we finally talked and caught up. she was driving to her gym at night and said she wasn't in the mood to go, long story short, i mentioned i could meet up with her if she wants since we hadn't seen each other for a week, she thought about it, but ended up saying that i should encourage her NOT to go the gym, and she rudely hung up on me. she then after the gym told me that she would like to cancel our usual friday meeting time. just a sidenote: she came up with that friday get together time, she said "no matter what, we will always see each other on friday night at 10." which we have been doing. even when things were down with us. so anyway, she canceled the friday saying she "wanted to go shopping.. maybe a restaurant... " i didn't say anything.. and didn't ask with who she is going.. or WHY she is canceling. she said, "i would like to see you on saturday though.. if you can.. ".. i said i don't think so, but i would think about it.. after all i have some dignity.. ant' it's not like i'm sitting here waiting to see when she wants/can see me.. so i did not answer her calls the next day, which was the Friday. on saturday noon, i text msged her saying: "as promised, i'm letting you know that i won't be able to meet with you tonight. i want to go shopping, maybe a restaurant." so yeah, i threw back when she told me.

she called me that night, i picked up and she said i'm being childish because i did not answer my phone on friday. i did not say anything. she asked why i didn't pick up yesterday and i said i was busy at work.. she believed that i was doing this to get back at her, because this is the only thing she does when i call. she said "things aren't working out for her this way", and i said, believe me, things aren't working out for me either. so she said.. "so what now.. we call it off?" i said.. "ok.. i guess that's why you are calling.. " but i know that that wasn't why she called. she called cuz she wanted to ditch her friend's party and meet with me, she had told me she wanted to do that earlier that week. so anyway. we broke up. i sent her a txt msg saying these exact words right after we hung up: "Final msg from me: through our relationship, you have been spending a whole lot of time 4yourself&doing your own things. it's amazing that "i'm being childish" just bcuz i'm catching up with my like and things i have been missing out on recently. you told me you can't give me what i give you, so why is it childish when i'm not overgiving anymore? i'm giving you what you are giving me and after two days you gave up and broke up. i wish you the best. goodbye butterfly.

please tell me if i did anything wrong.. i know she wants to be with me. i know it, but i can't go on this way. it's been 3 days and we have not talked since. what should i do? i know her ego won't let her call. and she has a tendancy to let things go and move on. help!!!

[kitty001]

If she really wants you back, she'll contact you and ask for it.
Really, though, why would you want her back? She sounds selfish and manipulative. Consider this break up a lifting of chains...the opportunity to find someone who loves and respects you and is willing to really show it.

I think you handled the break up decently. However, I would try to steer away from the whole "you did this to me, so ill do it to you" attitude. Like when you texted her about not being able to see her because "you were going shopping, maybe a restaurant" or whatever it was. Clearly, you were just striking back at her for what she'd done. I think next time you find yourself in this sort of situation, do what you want, whatever makes you happy, but dont let the other person know you're doing it to piss them off or get revenge. It will only make them feel like they have power over you. And, really, what good is revenge in the long run?

I know it's tough but you WILL get over her and find someone who is great for you. Good luck.