starbuck's update thread

[Dasein]

Starbuck why did you and the music exec break up in he first place? Sorry if you have posted about this before.

[starbuck]

Starbuck why did you and the music exec break up in he first place? Sorry if you have posted about this before.

No worries, Dasein. I have, but I'll just be lazy and cut and quote from my other thread. Ah, the beauty of cut and paste

Ok, here's my long and twisted tale. I'll try to summarize it as succinctly as I can.

He was a very successful music executive with a major record label at the time we met. He was almost 20 years older than me, but had lied about his age when we initially met so at first I only thought he was 10 years older than me. While I was pissed that he lied about his age (I caught him in the lie), he was otherwise a pretty nice guy. I had not really sought out an older man to date, but once the dust settled, I decided to give him another chance even though I had reservations. He was also divorcing an ex wife who had drug and mental problems. She was a good ten years younger than he, so dating younger women had been his M.O. She was living in Aruba, and was all but out of the picture at that point except for meetings with lawyers.

When we first started dating, he swept me off my feet. He took me to the best restaurants, parties, and took me away for amazing vacations. Although I still had some reservations about the age difference (again I was early thirties, he was early fifties), I felt like I was falling in love with him. I honestly felt like I was doing the right thing by moving into his Manhattan apartment with him after a year.

We had a pretty good relationship for the most part. We hardly fought. We respected each other's space. And were very good friends. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get married, and neither was I so we just went with the flow. After four years though, I was starting to have some doubts and I was feeling like I wasn't as in love with him as I wanted to be. But I badly wanted to make things work. He was sweet, supportive, kind, and he treated me like a superstar. I rationalized the doubts away as a typical cooling off stage of the relationship, where you become more like friends and less like lovers. I figured most couples went through this so why should he and I be any different?

One day he surprised me by the revelation that he had taken the steps to get a will and was planning on leaving me his apartment in the event that something happened to him. I told him not to. I told him it was his apartment and he should leave it to his family and not his girlfriend. He was adamant that if something happened to him, he wanted me to have it. I told him I didn't feel right about it.

That's when I started to feel even more conflicted. I was having so many doubts about our relationship, and here he was practically giving me his million dollar apartment. I felt totally undeserving and knew that I needed to deal with this worry about the future of our relationship. I decided to break it off with him since I felt like it wasn't fair of me to stay in a relationship I had so many doubts about. Not fair for him or for me. I moved out and he was devastated. It was painful for me, too, but I felt like I was doing the right thing at the same time.

I'm pretty sure I did the right thing. He still wants me back. Sometimes I want to go back to him, too, but I still have too many doubts about it working out. Plus the age difference is a very big problem for me. I want a partner I can grow old with and that may not be possible with someone twenty years older than me. I know that we can't always control how long our partners are with us, but that fact I would outlive him by so many years does concern me.

I told him a few months after I moved out that he should move on and he said he couldn't. He said I could come back whenever I wanted to. A year later he is still saying this. He still hasn't moved on at all. I have obviously, but I do have times where I miss him dearly. Just are still too many lingering doubts to feel like I can actually try to rekindle things with him.

[Dasein]

Thanks Starbuck.

What are the residual feelings? Did you do the "list" of pros and cons for him?

He sounds like a lovely man but I always believe that we get the "doubts" for a reason and to never discount them. It's when we ignore our gut feeling that things start to go a bit pear shaped.

[shh!]

In truth, by the time he kicks the bucket, you may be perfectly fine with being alone for a change.

I'm just sayin'....

[Lipp]

I feel sorry for the guy. If a girl would have doubts in me I'd always prefer if she'd talk about it.

[starbuck]

I feel sorry for the guy. If a girl would have doubts in me I'd always prefer if she'd talk about it.

I certainly don't blame you, Lipp. I wasn't good at communicating my doubts to him. Although I do have to admit, that during the nine months or so we were having some obvious problems in the relationship. Everything wasn't hunky dory towards the end.

I think that I was afraid of opening that can of worms and hoping I would just come through the other side of the doubts on my own. It is a regret of mine that we didn't talk more about it.

[starbuck]

Thanks Starbuck.

What are the residual feelings? Did you do the "list" of pros and cons for him?

He sounds like a lovely man but I always believe that we get the "doubts" for a reason and to never discount them. It's when we ignore our gut feeling that things start to go a bit pear shaped.

I would say that my residual feelings are that I care very deeply about him, but still have some doubts. I would like to give him another shot to see where it goes, but I'm terrified of breaking his heart again.

I didn't make the list yet, but I'll definitely try it as an interesting exercise.

[lesa]

Tough one. I don't know. I met a guy that was 21 years older but he did not look it. You could easily take over 15 years off his age. Many people did not believe his age. Most people in his family lived until their 90's. His mother and father are still alive. He was healthy. You can always date when you get older too....just like he is doing now.

My bf doesn't look is age either. I still can't believe his age. He is also much healthier than I am. He'll probably outlive me unless he gets in an accident.

Take a chance in life. You only have one to live.

[Zilla80]

Cut all contact with the slob.

Forget about the old guy, too. You are very beautiful and very sweet, you will have no trouble meeting a man your age. No need to settle. Age is a big deal to you obviously (hey it would be to me, too) so that's never going to change. Patience is rewarded.

[Mish]

That mindtools thingie looks great for most life decisions (moving, job hunting, etc.,) Would it really work for a relationship? I feel like my table would be three pages long.

Especially for relationships.

But only when you feel stuck. When you don't know which way to go, you don't know if the positives outweigh the negatives. This thing puts everything into perspective very quickly.

[IndiReloaded]

Hmmm. Well, isn't this fellow nearly the age of thinking of retirement? Or already is? Most ppl start considering this in their 50s.

At 37, you are still in pretty prime productive years. You've got another good 10 - 15 years ahead of you, even if you retire fairly early. At almost 60 for him, I don't see you two on similar paths this way. Also, I can easily imagine a health issue happening for him that could quickly curtail your professional life. In case these thoughts hadn't occurred.

Where's CAM these days? He's of an age w/you, SB, and a successful professional.

Just sayin'.

[starbuck]

Hmmm. Well, isn't this fellow nearly the age of thinking of retirement? Or already is? Most ppl start considering this in their 50s.

At 37, you are still in pretty prime productive years. You've got another good 10 - 15 years ahead of you, even if you retire fairly early. At almost 60 for him, I don't see you two on similar paths this way. Also, I can easily imagine a health issue happening for him that could quickly curtail your professional life. In case these thoughts hadn't occurred.

Where's CAM these days? He's of an age w/you, SB, and a successful professional.

Just sayin'.

He is technically retired (he took a retirement package from his other job) but still works at another company. His job is his life. He absolutely loves what he does, a quality I admire in him greatly.

[shh!]

Yeah, there aren't many men who can say that. I always think that an enormously attractive quality, too. In fact, that is what attracted me to my husband.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, maybe you should tell us a bit more about why he's an EX, then?

[starbuck]

Well, maybe you should tell us a bit more about why he's an EX, then?

There are other things about him, minor personality issues, that created some doubts as well. Plus our sex life seemed to be more comfort than passion. All of these things seem to be issues that could be resolved eventually, but coupled with the age difference were enough to create lots of nagging doubts.