starbuck's update thread

[starbuck]

I thought I'd just post a quick update on my love life for anyone who might be following my story. It's been almost three months since the sloth and I broke up and I am almost completely over him. I'm still keeping up the "no contact" thing since first of all, I don't want a friendship with him, and secondly, we're not getting back together. Unfortunately he called me on Sunday from an unavailable number and I thought it was someone else so I picked up. I guess I broke the rule, but I talked to him for a while, probably more out of curiosity than anything.

He cried his crocodile tears and said he wanted to come back to NYC. He said the only thing he felt had to live for was me. Apparently, all his friends hate him, and now he's sleeping on the floor at his mom's house. He went on to try and wheedle back into my heart with the good old standbys of wanting to change his life and get a job. Typical sloth BS. I told him I couldn't get back together with him because we were incompatible. I told him I want him to change his life for himself, and not do it for me.

Before the conversation ended, he said he almost took a bus to NYC to come see me (uninvited), but stopped himself (thank god). This scares me a bit because I'm afraid if he does get into a desperate situation, he may decide to come out here, knowing that it would be hard for me to turn him away, and then I'd have to figure out whether or not I want to let him stay or call the police. I don't want it to come down to drama like this, although I hold onto the hope that he's too lazy to stalk me anyway. I mean he couldn't walk his ass down to the post office to change his address for three months so I doubt he's going to be mapping out his Greyhound road trip. Hopefully he won't put me in this situation because I know it would be hard for me.

I know he doesn't want to come back for me. It's the gravy train he really misses, and I am just a booby (or booty) prize. Shh mentioned that I would be laughing over this guy soon and I think I have reached this point now. I think I was in a mild depression when I met him. And now that I've worked on my depression as well as my breakup, I'm much better.

Anyway, then there's my other ex. the music industry executive. He wrote me an email just two days ago stating that he'd love to take me out to dinner, but is still respecting my wishes not to try and reconcile. This is a tough one for me because I still have some feelings for him, but the 20-year age difference clouds the issue (he's the older one obviously). I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but I don't want to go down that road if I'm not absolutely sure about this path.

Sometimes I think he might be the one for me. He's successful, caring, intelligent, witty, and charismatic. He has faults like everyone, but they aren't dealbreaker things. The age difference is the main issue. I'd really like to have a partner I can spend my entire life with and not widowed in my older years (I know this isn't a given, but let's face it...it's more likely right?). My friends and family, even my shrink, who says I could always still date at fifty or sixty if we married and he widowed me, are all rooting for him. Probably because they know he'd be completely devoted to me and financially supportive of me for the rest of his life. This guy is definitely a really good guy, just born twenty years too early for me. Or not...I really don't know. Is it obvious that I'm a little confused?

Anyway, no new men per se. One prospect, but I forgot to check if he has a ring. I'll let you guys know if anything develops from it.

Lastly, Love Forum has been extremely helpful in not only being a welcome distraction from thinking about my bad breakup, but also an excellent way to keep positive and healthy attitudes towards relationships top of mind. So, thanks guys.

[shh!]

How old are you again, starbuck?

[starbuck]

How old are you again, starbuck?

I'm 37. The music exec is 19 years older than me.

If anyone ever wonders why I make a big deal about age, it probably reflects my confusion about my past relationship.

[shh!]

Well, it's not like you are a young kid in your 20s. Did you want to have children?

[starbuck]

Well, it's not like you are a young kid in your 20s. Did you want to have children?

I would like to, but only with the right person at the right time, of course. I'm also perfectly happy with adoption. Especially if I adopted an orphan from a third world country. I don't know...this is controversial I suppose, but I can't help thinking that it might be the way to go.

[shh!]

Is the older guy up for that? Or does he think himself too old?

[starbuck]

Is the older guy up for that? Or does he think himself too old?

I think he does want them, but he never pushed for marriage or kids. I don't think he feels like he's too old to be a dad per se, but perhaps too self-involved. He still leads a very busy life due to his job.

Honestly, he'd probably give me as many babies as I wanted if I took him back. He said he doesn't see himself with anyone else, and feels he has no need to look for a new girlfriend.

It's alot of pressure for me. If I get back together with him, I really want to be sure. I don't want to put us through heartbreak again.

Am I just a commitment-phobe?

[shh!]

His age, of course, is a relevant factor. Although you are compatible, he is getting close to the point where his aging will accelerate faster than yours. Does he keep himself healthy?

[starbuck]

His age, of course, is a relevant factor. Although you are compatible, he is getting close to the point where his aging will accelerate faster than yours. Does he keep himself healthy?

Fairly. He eats pretty well, but he has high cholesterol. I got him to start working out more, but he could be healthier.

He's pretty robust and his mother is aging well. His sister is also married to a guy who is about 15 years younger, so it seems to be a trend in his family to stay youthful.

[Mish]

I hold onto the hope that he's too lazy to stalk me anyway.

I lol'ed

I think you are doing great Starbuck.

If you are confused about some guy, do a PMI ([url]http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_05.htm[/url]) on him. For me this resolves most serious life questions in a matter of minutes.

[Gribble]

What about looks, Starbuck? I know it's petty and you're probably a lot more concerned about being widowed, but how are you going to feel if this guy doesn't age gracefully? I mean, you're very beautiful and you practically look half your age.

My best friend's mom married a man twenty years her senior. She was still an attractive woman by the time his skin turned to crinkled parchment and his hair thinned into a few stray wisps that could barely cover the liver spots on his scalp. The relationship got kind of rocky then. He died while she was still in her forties.

[shh!]

That's the kind of woman you need to meet up with, gribble.

[Gribble]

That's the kind of woman you need to meet up with, gribble.

I know. When I'm about 50 and I'm ready to just let myself go I'm gonna find a woman half my age and marry her up first.

[starbuck]

What about looks, Starbuck? I know it's petty and you're probably a lot more concerned about being widowed, but how are you going to feel if this guy doesn't age gracefully? I mean, you're very beautiful and you practically look half your age.

My best friend's mom married a man twenty years her senior. She was still an attractive woman by the time his skin turned to crinkled parchment and his hair thinned into a few stray wisps that could barely cover the liver spots on his scalp. The relationship got kind of rocky then. He died while she was still in her forties.

I'm not sure what to say about that, Gribble. I tend to favor interesting-looking men over stereotypically hot mimbos anyway. I suppose I'm as shallow as anyone else, but I'm not sure looks would be the main problem.

[starbuck]

I lol'ed

I think you are doing great Starbuck.

If you are confused about some guy, do a PMI ([url]http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_05.htm[/url]) on him. For me this resolves most serious life questions in a matter of minutes.

Thanks Misha. I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm definitely alot happier these days.

That mindtools thingie looks great for most life decisions (moving, job hunting, etc.,) Would it really work for a relationship? I feel like my table would be three pages long.