drunken letter of confession: to send, or not to send?

[em__x]

hi.

i have a bit of a situation, and i could really do with some advice/input/a new brain that doesn't think the way this one does.

i guess i should give you a little background to the situation.
i've known this beautiful boy since i was four years old. we were close growing up, and if i'm honest i've always had certain feelings for him. he moved to the other side of the world when we were fourteen (now eighteen). i was upset, but after a while i stopped thinking about it. he stopped being a part of my life. then, a few months ago, he came home for a while on his gap year. and he was still the same, in all the ways that count. he still understood me, and could see through all my bullshit. he still could make me laugh like an idiot. he could still cut me to the bone without even trying.
i've never told him how i felt, even though i had the perfect opportunity one night this summer. though i thought there might have been some signals that he felt something for me, it's hard to tell where expression of friendly affection ends and hints at a darker, deeper feeling begin. oh, and the fact he's been with his girlfriend for two years.

anyhow. i'm rambling. below is the letter i wrote him a week or so ago, telling him everything.



I love you.

And I should have told you that night, but when you said you were happy, I couldn't. But you need to know that the reason I couldn't be around you is because I didn't trust myself to. I have to tell you now, otherwise you might never know. And if it isn't mutual, then fair do's. But if there's even the tiniest ghost of a chance, then I have to try. When you said you were happy, then I couldn't do anything that might hurt that. Because that's obviously the most important thing. But I can't live with this inside any longer, knowing that this tiny possibility of a chance could be slipping through my fingers. So now you know, and I hope it doesn't scare you. Because I'm scared as shit. But that doesn't really matter. If you ever want to talk, then I'd be happy to speak to you about it. But if not, then I understand. More than anything, I want you to be happy. Whoever it's with. Whatever you do. But if there's the tiniest chance that person could be me, then please tell me.
Because the night you left, I cried in a way that I never have before. I buried a lot of shit deep, but when I knew that you still understood me, despite all the time and the distance, some kind of floodgate opened up. And everything poured out of me in one beautiful, painful torrent.

You're a beautiful, beautiful boy. Don't forget that. And you have to believe that everything will work out, whatever it is.

So I'll close now. And I'm sorry if this is a terrible shock, but I couldn't hold it in. And if there was any other, gentler way, I'd have picked it. But I couldn't find one at three in the morning, terrified out of my mind that I'd lose you forever.



so yeah. i'm young and melodramatic. but help me out here. do i send the letter or not? i just need to know. whatever the answer is, i just need to know for sure.

[kene]

Has a girlfriend for two years, moral me says don't send.

[Cain]

What would it accomplish? He lives in another country and he is already in a happy relationship. It'd be one thing if there was a chance that your confession could make him realize his feelings for you and you both live happily ever after, but he lives on the other side of the world. All this confession will do is likely cause him to lose a friend.

[Yacker]

I agree with these 2 and stay his close friend if you can and maybe someday your chance will arrive, when he's not in the situations that he is in now. Don't put all yer eggs in one basket now.

[starbuck]

Agree with the above. Don't send it. Not only will you preserve more of your dignity by not confessing, but you won't run the risk of ruining your chances with him if he happens to break up with his girlfriend someday.