Casual relationship -> dumped -> back together as a couple

[Camor]

As a background, I'm a 30 year old guy. About a year ago met a girl who's a couple of years younger. Both of us had broken up with our very long-term partners around a year earlier.

We started a casual relationship - we met up on most weekends, usually out for dinner or cinema and drinks. Sometimes we went shopping, watched dvd's... and every time we ended up sleeping together. We enjoyed each other's company and, obviously, the sex. But we were hardly ever in contact during the week. Just towards the end of the week we called or texted to agree what to do on the weekend. Sometimes we spent the whole weekend together, sometimes half of it, sometimes just an evening and the next morning. We never agreed anything long-term, didn't discuss our future, didn't discuss what kind of relationship we were actually having and whether we were seeing other people.

This went on for half a year. One weekend then I was busy so I didn't see her. On the following week I called her for weekend plans, and she told me that she had plans already, as she's SEEING SOMEONE. I was completely shocked and couldn't believe it. It turned out that she had met the guy some weeks before, and had gone on a date on the weekend I was busy. I tried to make her change her mind and spend the weekend with me, but no success. I felt like shit.

A month later she tells me that she dumped the guy, she misses me and wants to get back with me. I accepted, and for a couple of months now we've been together almost every day, like a regular couple, discussing future and all.

Later she also told me that she had also had a one-night-stand during my first spell with her.

Now I enjoy her company as much as ever, and I trust her, but my mind isn't at rest. I feel uneasy about these other guys having been in the picture, but I don't know if I can blame her. Clearly we weren't a couple at the time she met them. I had never even given her ANY indication that I actually wanted a proper relationship (neither had she).

So, is it just stupid jealousy what I'm feeling now... or is it something which is reasonable?

Thanks for reading, any views on the situation will be appreciated!

[shh!]

Since nothing was ever explicitly stated about being monogamous, I don't think you are justified in acting on your emotions.

This is not to say that your feelings are inappropriate, but i don't think you should DO anything, except clarify the nature of your existing relationship.

[LAtoJapan]

It is almost natural for people to feel a sense of jealousy over their partner's past. Especially because you were dating her at the time of her one night stand. However, you guys at that time seemed like sort of a rebound couple and strongest aspect of that relationship was the physical part. Because of that, you too could have very well dated other women but you didn't.

Now you too are exclusive and every thing seems just fine. As long as both of you know that you are on an exclusive stage now, I wouldn't worry about the past when you guys were casual. If you are worried about trusting her in the future, let her know how you feel. Women do love a guy that has a bit of jealousy because it shows their love for them.

[Camor]

First of all, thanks for your replies.

Some time has passed... and I still feel the same way. I can't seem to accept the past. Perhaps indeed there was nothing wrong with how she behaved, I tend to agree with you. I was just hoping that monogamy would be the default setting, and anything else would have to be explicitly agreed.

Anyway, I guess there's two reasons why this bothers me: first, it hurts my ego that I wasn't enough for her (and she even felt someone else was a better choice than me... until seeing him for some weeks and finding out he was a jerk after all), and second, it makes me somewhat insecure... the past is the best indicator in predicting the future, right?

So far I haven't spoken to her about this, but I think I'll do it soon. And I don't have a good feeling about where that discussion will lead.

Further views welcome!

[vashti]

I don't think you can predict future behavior based on her past since the nature of your relationship is different now.

However, if you can't get over this, you SHOULD let her go. She doesn't need to be hearing about this for all of eternity.

Just do yourself a favor next time, and be sure you have an explicit agreement of exclusivity before the girl gets the idea that you are in a casual relationship.

[Camor]

Thanks, good advice, will make sure next time... in case there indeed is a next time.

I'm not concerned about her hearing about this for all of eternity though, she hasn't heard it once yet. I'm concerned about me thinking about it for all of eternity. Conclusion would be the same though... I'll see how it develops.

[Mish]

I agree with Vash on this. You can't assume monogamy will be there by default Camor. This is something you have to discuss and have an agreement on. Whose to say that maybe she wanted a monogomous relationship with you, but since you never gave her any indication you wanted it she assumed that you're not into it and thus looked for someone else who could provide it for her? I think you have to take responsibility on this and either forget the whole thing or leave her.

[Camor]

"maybe she wanted a monogomous relationship with you, but since you never gave her any indication you wanted it she assumed that you're not into it and thus looked for someone else who could provide it for her?"

This seems to be exactly what happened.

In fact I've never blamed her, I've always blamed myself for this.

I've been trying to forget it for months now... and I still am. But I'm starting to feel that maybe I can't.

[Indignant]

i am afraid that you would be feeling the same way about any female that you'd be dating. it is called OCD. it will get easier with time, try not to ever concentrate or think of it. as soon as the thought comes to mind, shoo it away and quickly think of something else: work, family, weekend plans. helps each time.

[Camor]

I don't quite get it... what do you mean I'd be feeling the same way about any female?

Somehow I'm not yet convinced about your diagnosis, but I appreciate the help anyway, I'll give your cure a try

[misombra]

you have no right to confront her. you were in a casual relationship. if you didn't want her to have sex with other people, then you should've said so. usually if you're having sex with somebody it's a good idea to know those things either way. especially in a casual relationship.

but she's with you, and that other guy was a one night stand. casual weekend relationships>>>>>one night stand.

also, no one guy is good enough for a girl. that's why i propose we have harems.

[Mish]

I've been trying to forget it for months now... and I still am. But I'm starting to feel that maybe I can't.

If you can't then you should leave and find someone else. Spare yourself (and her) the pain.

[misombra]

i don't know. i think in time he can get over this.

[Indignant]

I don't quite get it... what do you mean I'd be feeling the same way about any female?

Somehow I'm not yet convinced about your diagnosis, but I appreciate the help anyway, I'll give your cure a try

I think it mostly has to do with one's ability to obsess over something. if it is one of your personality traits then it is better to find a new hobby that you would be concentrating on. I wouldn't give up on a relationship though, it might take longer than most people to get over it. most probably you will not forget it completely but you will reach a comfortable level that would not affect your relationship with others.

[macdoc31]

Don't bring in past woes.
The past is the past... let it stay there. If you dwell on past occurrences, you'll never find a solution for the future your partner will feel less loved and respected, and you will always feel negatively towards your partner. People make mistakes. Give your partner the chance to recover from them, and encourage and support them when they make the right choices.