a guy not in love

[clare_b]

i've posted it elsewhere too,but i really wanna hear from you guys too...

my boyfriend and i have been together for a year. we're a great match. we share a lot of interests,chemistry is great, we practicly live together, do a lot of things together, hang out with mutual friends, we've met our families...looks like everything is perfect.

problem is he's never said he loved me. i have. when i ask is he at least in love with me. he says no. he's doing wonderful things to me,treating me like a princess,like a dream boyfriend. so i know you gonna say: acts count not words. but something is just not right... imagine hearing:i don't love you and i'm not in love with you! it hurts terribly. is he scared,lying,in denial,or what?!

we're in our late 20'. i'm sure he's not cheating. and he's been hurt by his ex a long ago,but i don't think he has feelings for her,though he said he did love and was in love,i'm the one who's the best for him. i'm not pressuring him to say anything,i just occasionaly ask because i want it to be serious. his answer is always the same. what is he doing with me then? should i be patient or dump him?

[bluesummer]

I think you need to sit him down and ask him what the deal is. It would be a different story if he had just never said 'Ilove you', but he has out and out told you he DOESN'T love you. That seems very strange to me. I can't tell if he's just using you to have fun and tide himself over until he meets the one he's looking for, or if he's just a straight out jerk.

This is bullshit, and you need to call him on it.

[NeoSeminole]

bluesummer, calm down. The OP's boyfriend never said "I don't love you" (according to her post). He simply answered "no" when she asked if he was in love with her. There's no need to accuse him of being a bad bf.

OP, love is a big word for us guys and your bf is probably being cautious after his ex hurt him. Just b/c he hasn't said "I love you" doesn't mean his feelings have stopped growing for you.

[clare_b]

let me explain as i see my post's caused some confusion...after a year of him avoiding every possible conversation about love,i started to get really frustrated. i both asked him about loving me and being in love with me. both his answers came out as no.
he just cannot treat me great but be so verbally cold. we're a wonderful couple,i really don't need to write much that. but this hurts like hell!
bluesummer-i'm sure he's not using me just for fun/sex. i even asked him that,since it did cross my mind. but about me being the one for him,he said he wasn't sure about that one though.
neoseminole-he did say his feelings for me were growing. but damn it,i agree with bluesummer:he is a jerk since he has a habbit of breaking my heart with such statements(above) and then coming back to me saying i'm perfect for him. i mean...WHAT is going on?!

[NeoSeminole]

wow, this just reinforces my negative opinion about girls. OP, I don't understand how your boyfriend is a jerk. Does he voluntarily say "I don't love you" without you asking?

[shh!]

If he doesn't love you now after being with you a year, he never will (although he may be very attached to you). Generally, feelings of romantic love diminish over time ratherthan grow.

Is this an acceptable arrangement for you? If so, then quit asking him if he loves you. He doesn't.

if this arrangement is not acceptable, then leave him now. You are wasting your youth.

PS- I don't think he's a jerk. he is merely honestly answering a question you keep asking. I'm sorry he doesn't love you... that sucks.

[ecojeanne]

all i can say is at lease he was honest, most guys would lie to keep the peace. Its very difficult for some people to admit they are in love, he may love you but doesn't want to admit it incase he gets hurt.

my ex used to say he loved me all the time, i found it really annoying because he expected me to tell him the same when in fact i didn't, but i did add that i cared about him and he wasn't too happy with that, but it shut him up.

Eventually i did tell him, and then i had to break up with him a week later after realising what dickhead he was. i certainly won't be too quick to admit it again.

actions DO speak louder than words. words can be fake...as i found out. I'll find it very difficult to believe what someone says in future if they don't show me.

[blackzj52]

u said he was hurt by his ex...maybe he doesnt want to open himself up to be hurt again by telling you he loves you? just a guess.
maybe hes trying to protect himself and doesnt want to make himself vulnerable or something

[clare_b]

i'm sorry, i'm just really hurt and trying to get it of somehow. i'm a jerk for letting this relationship go for so far hoping he will start loving me. and obviously this is no longer acceptable to me,that's why i'm asking him all that. (but hey,it's not like i'm asking bullshit!)

anyway if he's not a "jerk", why doesn't he break up with me then? yeah it's great he's being honest. but don't you think it isn't fair of him being with me knowing how much i love him, and he not giving anything in return? (if it's true what he says.) isn't he being selfish?

and yes he was hurt though that was years ago. so i don't think it's ok of him eighter to let it influence us now so much. he still compares the intensity of feelings towards her that were so much stronger than towards me. how does that suppose to make any girl that's in love feel?

despite all that,trust me,we have something great,so i'm trying to save it. if there's any chance we could work this out and how,i'd like to know please...

[ecojeanne]

if he shows you that he cares, then the words don't matter as much. if he doesn't show you he cares, then move on. words are not as important as you might think.

[misombra]

if he shows you that he cares, then the words don't matter as much. if he doesn't show you he cares, then move on. words are not as important as you might think.

that is so true.

[bluesummer]

bluesummer, calm down. The OP's boyfriend never said "I don't love you" (according to her post). He simply answered "no" when she asked if he was in love with her. There's no need to accuse him of being a bad bf.

OP, love is a big word for us guys and your bf is probably being cautious after his ex hurt him. Just b/c he hasn't said "I love you" doesn't mean his feelings have stopped growing for you.

No, but she asked him if he loved her, and he said no....same thing, just worded differently.

He's being selfish as far as I'm concerned, in the respect that he knows she has these feelings for him and wants them reciprocated, and he's just flat out refusing to acknowledge that. So what, is he 'fond' of her? Are they 'really close friends'? He's giving her no idea of where this relationship is at or headed in his mind. Shit, after telling some guy I loved him, if after a year all he could come up with is "my feelings for you are growing" I'd tell him to go find a new girlfriend. I'm going to go find someone that reciprocates my feelings, thanks.

As far as I'm concerned, if her bf is STILL that hung up on being hurt by an ex, he shouldn't be in a relationship. He should be getting some counselling and getting his head sorted out instead of dragging her through his problems.

[Lipp]

Well, I think people treat the use of "love" differently, a girl who's a friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and still isn't sure of whether she really loves him or not.

I'm a bit confused with the difference between having a crush, being "in love", and loving someone. Probably there's some pointers to at least what the general idea of it is. Probably since the swedish equivalents are sort of different.

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah, I used to regard love as a much stronger term than I do now. It sucks, but now I pretty much regard it as something you have to say a few months into a relationship or there'll be trouble. I really don't know why girls get so hung up on having to hear it.

[bluesummer]

I was never really hung up on hearing it....my bf said it to me after two months, and I was shocked. Also, it needs the actions to go along with it of course, or they're just empty words.

I think the big issue is not whether or not girls need to hear it, so much as this poster asking her bf of a year whether he loves her and he says 'no'. That's a bit of a smack in the face, isn't it? I don't think anyone should feel pressured into it....but also they need to be realistic. If one side is feeling more than the other, maybe it's just not going to work.