Broke up after 4 years

[Earthling84]

So me and my girlfriend had met the first year she came to college. It was my 2nd year at college. From the first day I met her we hung out basically every day. We started going out shortly after, about 3 weeks after first meeting.

We had a great relationship and after 1 year we moved in together. We lived at college until she graduated(I hadn't yet graduated, I have bout 1 year left which I am finishing here in my new town-new university - luckily almost all classes transfered). Anyways, we moved back to this town and my dad was nice enough to let us live in a condo he owns(and used to rent but was currently vacant). My dad was very generous and said we basically just had to pay any bills of the place(electric, water, phone, cable, condo fees) and a small amount of rent.

We both liked the idea and had been living here for about 3 months. During this time, my girlfriend had got a job which she loved, but after about 1.5 months she was laid off ;( She was obviously upset about this, but started looking for a new job. She was laid off about 3 weeks ago and hasn't found a new job yet. Well, I thought everything was going great, however, this past week, on wednsday, I returned home from school to see she had packed up and left. She had returned to her parents house(about 40minute drive away). I saw her two times the day after we broke up. We met for lunch, which was emotional, and we decided to go out to a movie later that night. After the movie, she said she wants to continue to hang out, but not every day, she needs space and time to get her life together.

I of course was upset, and after that night I decided to do some research online of 'how to get your ex back'. I read many things about not saying you love her anymore, and not acting depressed or like a 'wussy' (which I may have done at lunch when we met, but at least that was only once and kind of expected as it was the first time I saw her only a day after she left).

I have decided to try to take the rout that I was told by many websites. Continuing my life and letting her know I am doing good, hanging out with friends, and maybe even going on a 'hang out' date with a few people. I don't want to get into another relationship, but maybe just hang out with some friends or a new girl.

After reading some stuff online, like i just mentioned. And reading that I should basically give her some time and contact her later, not sooner, I decided to called her. I know this goes against what I just said, but I wanted to call her and leave a message to counteract how I had acted the day before(still loving, over caring, wanting to get back togeher). I expected her not to answer, and she didn't. So I left a message which said basically. "Hey ----, I'm just calling because I said I was going to. I guess your busy, so I'll talk to you later, bye".

I planed on waiting then now, until I hear from her more. I can't wait forever, even more then a few days without talking to her, but I want to give it till like sunday before I call her again. I am happy that she did contact me. The night I left that message on her machine, at 4am, she wrote me a text message saying, "I can't sleep". I wasn't awake then and didn't write her back. I am sad she couldn't sleep, but happy she contacted me.

I figure I'd like to keep communication open. calling her every couple days and hopefully she'll call me too. I don't plan on talking about the past at all. I want to treat this as a new thing. And just talk about what she's doing, how her job search is going, and tell her about my life and what I'm doing. I don't want to bring up any 'bad' memories, I just want to talk to her and stay in her life in a good way, so maybe I'll have another chance down the line.

I don't plan on meeting her for at least a week. I am going to see if we can talk on the phone good for a while and then maybe ask her if she wants to go to lunch or dinner.

I didn't really explain earlier why she broke up with me. When i asked her, that first day after she left(which this conversation may have been a mistake to bring up the old things but I needed to know)... She told me basically she needed time to get her life together. She wanted to find a good job and be able to pay for her own way. I think partially without having a job and basically living in my house for free she just didn't feel good about that. She also said she didn't like how often I drink. I have changed that now, and plan on only drinking at social events, on weekends, and not ever at home.

I think we partially also broke up simply because we both neglected the relationship. I felt we were meant to be together and nothing could break us apart(I was wrong obviously). But I think because I felt that way I may have taken her for granted and not put enough effort into the relationship. Something I won't do in the future. We never had any 'fights' and nothing was ever physical. We just kind of neglected the relationship and it fell apart.

So that's my story. Any feedback would be great!

[Kromat]

Stop contacting her much.
Did u 2 were together every day almost for 4 years?
Isn't 2-3 days a week enough?
How much can you both talk about each other?
During the week, should be time for her family & friends.

P.S. Give her the impression that this isn't bothering you and focus on yourself.

I know that u want to show her how much you care about her, but your obessing over her.
Don't be vulnerable and let her win.

[mysluv]

Earthling 84

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as if your girlfriend really do love you. Are you sure that the breakup was her decision or her parents. It sounds like she is torn over the breakup as well. It could have been pressure from her parents that convinced her that her living with you out of wedlock was just not the right thing to do. Don't get me wrong I am not placing judgment or passing blame either way. It just seems to me that maybe she came to a point in her life where it seems like things were falling apart and someone else convinced her that maybe she needed to go back home. It also sounds like she is a wonderful person who would be so thoughtful as to sympathize with you for not pulling her weight financially. If this is really the person you want to be with then don't believe any of those sites that you have read. Put your heart on the line and really tell your girlfriend how you feel. Let her know that she is more important to you than the drink and that you have decided to drink socially rather than consistently. Let her know that you are okay with paying all of the bills, and never remind her or bring it up in her face that you are the breadwinner. Too often men will not let their feelings be known in relationships for fear of seeming like a wimp, when truly that's all women want to know is that you love them and will have their backs in any situation. Let her know that nothing else matters but you two being together and that you will do whatever you have to do to ensure that both of you have a stable home. Make her feel good about herself since she rightfully so may be down and depressed at being out of work. Take her out and tell her how much you love and miss her. Take it from a woman, that is what we want to hear. If you act like this is not bothering you then she will only think that the relationship has probably ended for the best and she will move on.

[Earthling84]

Thank you for both of your replies. I already tried the rout of telling her I love her and want to change for myself and for her as she is the most important thing in the world to me(This was the day after we broke up when we had lunch). I told her I was stupid in feeling so secure that I took the relationship for granted and didn't put enough effort into it. And that I was sorry it had taken such a situation to open my eyes to these facts. I did tell her I love her that day a couple times, but she didn't reply with an "i love you too" back.

I think what I plan on doing is keeping contact with her on the phone. And probably not see her this week at all, just call her and have normal conversations, but nothing more about why we broke up and wanting to get back together(I think I already made that quite clear). I think I need to show her I care by simply paying more attention to her, not smothering her by calling 5 times a day, but giving her a call every other day just to talk. Then maybe next weekend ask her to have lunch or dinner with me.

Does that seem like a good plan?

[Earthling84]

any more advice? I'd appreciate any comments!

[shh!]

How long are you willing to continue this type of relationship? You should set a reasonable limit, or you won't ever be able to move on. When you have reached that limit, you need to cut all contact to allow yourself to grieve and get over her.

[Earthling84]

Well I really want her back. I figure I will continue my life and even perhaps start dating, but nothing too serious yet. While I do that, I will continue to talk to my ex in hopes that we can get back together. If we don't get back together within like 2 months, or things don't seem like they are headed towards getting back together, I will move on.

[Earthling84]

So I haven't called my ex since thursday, it is now sunday. We have sent a couple texts back and forth(only like 3). She had a mary kay party this weekend so I texted her, "GL with your party" and she wrote back thanks.

After her party she wrote me, "my party went really well". and I texted back, "I'm glad your party went well! I'd love to hear about it!"

It has been 3 days since we talked on the phone. I want to call her really bad but I don't know if she will answer. I don't know how to start communication with her again. I really want to see her at least a couple times a week. maybe go to lunch or something. I just don't know if she'll answer the phone(even though she is communicating with me through texts I don't know if she will answer the phone).

I'm just kinda stuck now. I've been doing things with friends and continuing my life, but I still always think about my ex and wanting to even just talk with her.

Any suggestions?

[Earthling84]

Well I couldn't wait and I decided to call her ;p

We actually had a really good conversation. Talking about her mary kay party, what I'm up to, what she's doing. We were talking great and she mentioned she had a mary kay meeting monday night. Those meetings are around the my house so I asked her if after the meeting she'd like to go out to dinner with me. And she said yes

She still had some people at her house and they were about to leave while we were talking so she said my sisters leaving now and I'll call you back. So now I'm waiting a phone call back.

I'm really glad I called her. I would have been crushed if she didn't answer, but she did, and she said she'd go to dinner. I'm so happy right now

I can't wait till tomorrow night. I hope that goes good.

Any suggestions about anything or tomorrow night would be great! I know I will have a hard time not being emotional around her, but I know she doesn't want that right now either. I just want to hang out with her and try to get things started again slowly.

Next weekend she is going to where we went to college. (4 hours away) for hallowen parties. She's going with one of her girl friends. I really want to ask her if I could come too, I liked our college town and would love to hang out with her during that. I think it might be too soon to ask for that, I'm not sure. maybe I can decide better after dinner tomorrow.

[damn2008]

Good luck to you buddy! Hope it all goes well for you and for her and whatever fate puts in front for you all.

My last relationship ended in Jan. and was about 3 and a half years long and we ended because of similar reasons (we both we neglicting the relationship among other things) so I know what you mean.