I have to end this.

[Uncertain]

Please read this thread first:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=2479[/url]

Okay, I just went out for a walk in my forest and I'm decided now. I have to break up with my girlfriend. I don't know where to start though.

Here's the situation:

- We have been together for a year

- She absolutely loves me

- She is emotionally dependent

- She has an history of severe depression (with suicide attempts and self injury) prior to meeting me

- She lives in a different country

- I met her entire family and they love me. Her parents have been extremely generous to me. They paid half of my plane ticket when I visited her and they invited me to their next summer holiday. They will think that I used her and them just to travel to their country.

- She has one year left to do in University, she is supposed to move with me after that.

- She is visiting me for a month at the end of summer

- When she had doubt about our relationship in the past (fearing that I could leave her), I lied to her and said everything was perfect.

- I promised her a lot of things about our future.

- She will do everything she can to stay with me after I tell her it's over (e-mails, letters, phone calls)

- I'm 100% sure that the end of our relationship will send her back into depression. In the best scenario, she drops university for a year and takes a long time to recover. In the worst case, she commits suicide. While her depression history has nothing to do with me, the guilt would make me miserable for the rest of my life.

It it better to break up before she visits me, or after? I can't imagine pretending that we are in love for an entire month. I can pay the fees for the plane ticket cancellation. I think I should also payback her parents for the other plane tickets.

What would be the least awful way to break up? It seems to me that no matter what I do and how I do it, I'm going to be the jerk in this story. I also wonder what should happen after, should I try to remain her friend to make sure she comes out of this alive (it could make things worst though) or be a coward and cut all communications?

I'm the one who got dumped in my last relationship. My ex's way of doing this was to slowly and steadily reduce the time we spent on the phone or together while pretending everything was normal. It started with 2 or 3 days without contact and ended with 2 entire week.. I can't imagine doing that myself.

[sfalexi]

It it better to break up before she visits me, or after?

Before.

I'm 100% sure that the end of our relationship will send her back into depression.

Unfortunately, this isn't the best reason to stay together. Everyone gets depressed after having their SO break up with them. EVERYONE. It's expected.

In the worst case, she commits suicide.

Which you can't 'prevent'. Her parents will have to be there to help her through it. That's also a risk with ANYONE in a relationship (if you're looking at a 'worst case' risk.)

I can pay the fees for the plane ticket cancellation. I think I should also payback her parents for the other plane tickets.

THat is a very noble thing to do. It'll also show that you didn't 'use' her at all.

What would be the least awful way to break up? It seems to me that no matter what I do and how I do it, I'm going to be the jerk in this story.

Which is the worse jerk . . . the guy that breaks up because he feels it isn't right or the guy who pretends to be in love and breaks up down the line after she finds out he was 'pretending' all this time? And it's not even a jerk thing to do in the first place. You're doing what you feel. A jerk would do it for NO reason. You have a good one.

I also wonder what should happen after, should I try to remain her friend to make sure she comes out of this alive (it could make things worst though) or be a coward and cut all communications?

Cut all communications. If you try to remain her friend, all that'll happen is she'll keep this false hope alive and it will take her much longer to move on. Not to mention dealing with her crying to/about you all the time which will make YOU feel more uncomfortable and will make her eventually probably hate you for not coming back to her like she imagined you would if you kept talking and she kept begging.

That's just my takes on the situation and what I think you should do.

Alexi

[Uncertain]

She's calling me in 30 minutes, before I leave for work. I won't say anything for now.

I'll write to her when I get back. I guess it's more courageous to say it on the phone, but I will be a lot easier to explain my decision in written words. She will probably call me right after she gets the e-mail anyway. I better get ready for the emotional storm waiting for me at the corner.

[sfalexi]

Dude,

Don't do it over email. PLEASE! If you need to, write it notes for you to glance at while you're talking to her and ask her just not to speak until you're finished. But not over email. NOT OVER EMAIL!!!!!!

Alexi

[KaWaiiSkYe]

Yeah.. Not over the email... and cute Avatar Uncertain

[dragoon]

An email break up of a one year relationship? Cold. Very, very cold.

[Uncertain]

It's just that if I tell her on the phone, she won't let me speak. It will be screams and cries.

[squirrley]

Man I was just reading this post-you cant do it over email-you owe her that much.

Its hard no matter how you do it. You have to let her know right out of the gates no pissing around about it-dont lead her on. Let her know whats going on with you-and what youre doing about it. If she gets all nasty dont listen to it-she WILL guilt trip your ass to oblivion.

If she wont remain calm(hardly she will) and you were able to say what you had to-then tell her youre sorry and hang up. DONT stay on the phone just because you feel bad...it will go nowhere and fast. Things will get said that werent meant to-hang up when she gets out of control.

And MOSTLY-DO NOT feel guilty if she decides to do something unreasonable. It is her life and she has control over it. It is her decision...dont allow her to have that kind of control over your life. Youre doing what you feel is best for the both of you...

Goodluck-and I agree with everything Alexi said!!!

[Clifton]

yeah foreal, quit being a pussy, just ****ing tell her, its her feelins your playing with..at least if your gona do her ****ed up you can be a man and be up front about it. and squirly 'dont allow her to have that kind of control over your life. Youre doing what you feel is best for the both of you...'
obviously not, she will most likely get over it but if theres a chance she will kill herself over you, and your not hesitating to be cowardly and mysterious about how you are going to break it off, your only looking out for yourself dog, and thats messed up.

[squirrley]

Outlines-a person who threatens suicide IS ****ed up...and I know. When a person threatens their own life theyre looking for a guilt trip with that person theyre involved in or with. Its a guilt trip man! GUILT TRIP!!!!! If she were to tell him AFTER he tells her its over...its GUILT TRIPPING 101! And most people who threaten like that-the other person feels OBLIGATED into staying in the relationship so they dont have to deal with the possible outcomes...HENCE just like he said hed be dealing with that guilt the rest of his life. BULLSHIT! Its her choice...and him finding a way to end this is difficult enough as it is...hes not being a pussy about it at all-hes respecting her and his family. How else can he possibly end a long distance relationship? Knowing full well her mental status? Hes doing the right thing in getting out of it. But hes stuck between a rock and hard place. Thats not easy with what hes gotta do. Hell I wouldnt want to be in shoes.

He has thought about everything...didnt you read his posts? He has another one he gave us a link to...Outlines you cant be judgemental about someone whose going through hell-its not easy to be the person to break it off-yea I do feel bad for her-and youre right she will get over it...but he knows her past-and the thought alone is enough to **** with your head...

He NEEDS to end no matter what...hes admitted to liking someone else and keeping her around is bs-he knows that thats not what he wants...I give him credit for at least doing something about it. People should NOT stay in relationship if theyre forced to believe theyre partner is gonna commit suicide if they leave...what a miserable life that would be...

[BillyGalbreath]

I think the suicide thing is stupid too - and if you were to ask Destine if I threatened suicide if she ever left and she will tel you that I did - BUT SHE IS WRONG and she dont know it - she has a way of taking someones words and mixing them all up - what I said was "if you leave, i dont know what I'd do..." Meaning that she was my everything - I gave up all my friends and family for her - I gave up my job for her - I had nothing.. And if she left then I would be homeless... thats what I meant - and I wasnt lying... When she left I put my son in the stroller and I walked around town for a few hours thinking of what I should do - I eventually made it to my dads front door and talked to him and he forgave me for the past and let me move in with him.

But back to my point - I think threatening suicide is absolutely rediculous. Some ppl will say that its a cry for help - its NOT - it is a cry for attention. Trust me - I have know many of my friends that were suicidal and I had one guy actually succeeded with it. They never say a damn thing to no one about it. They just think about it for days and weeks and then one day they just do it.

Hell, the guy that actually did kill himself everyone thought he was perfectly fine. The day before he hung himself in his closet me and him were talking and joking... But if anyone ever tells you that they will do it - they wont - or they already would have - they say it for the attention.

[Clifton]

thats not what i meant squirly, obviously since he has not told her- she couldnt have THREATENED him with it, im being judgemental and calling him a pussy because hes hesitating to break it off, not cause hes staying with her- its like a bandaid with people like that- i know because i was one myself, if you dont just pull it right the **** off, ur going to put her through alot more than she needs to go through, and what the ****, he actually considered breaking a 1 year relationship off THROUGH AN EMAIL. that to me is some bitch shit, and billy, it depends on the person, the only time i actually tried to kill myself, no one knew till afterwards- after i recovered..then i tried to get help. but just because i didnt talk about it all the time doesnt mean i never did- i was embarassed, not everyone who is suicidal still has enough pride to be embarassed about those kindof thoughts. only one of my friends knew i had been thinking about it alot but anyway, and it does not mean they wont. and your an idiot to try to make such judgements on something you dont understand, unless youve been through that yourself..its moreso based around a persons brain and how it works...and unless your brain works that way i doubt you could ever understand it, but those who ARE vocal about it, are not always truthful about really wanting to, ill agree with that, but just because some people use that to get attention doesnt mean that happens to all of us..and she is NOT WRONG, in the relationship terms, it sounds like she gave him alot, what did he do to her? oh thats right, HE LIED, telling her he loved her, making promises he knew he couldnt dliver on, all the while KNOWING SHE IS AT A FRAGILE MENTAL STATE, if she does kill herself over it, IT IS YOUR FAULT, short term maybe, but still-you knowingly pushed her into that, and are now trying to find the EASIEST WAY FOR YOU to get outof the relationship, so once again you are a ****ing bitch and a pussy and i hope the 'new friend' does you 10x worse than you did her. im spent

[squirrley]

I guess so Outlines! Thats a little rough man! Hes made a decision based on finding someone else along with other things...but he stated his girlfriend has HAD mental problems and suicide problems-this isnt something new to him. But yea I agreed and so did everyone else email was not the solution. I think he knows that-but will do whatever he needs to...its a cop out if he chooses that way-sure.

As far as the suicide thing-I think it all depends on the individual-everyone sees things different and are based on their experiences. I KNOW that a friend of mine STAYED because they didnt want to deal with the possibility. And theyre miserable and totally unhappy. Hmmm-all based on the suicide threat. But suicides come from all over-doesnt have to be from a broken relationship. But I think if ANYONE threatens it or talks about it...YOU should listen...do what you can and try to get them help. Empty threat or not-its not normal to contemplate killing yourself-theres something wrong-and you should get help. EVEN if it comes from a relationship ending-guilt trip being thrown or what have you-but if its said-GET THEM HELP! When I have friends who suffer from depression I do WHATEVER I can to be there for them and listen...and do what I feel is necessary for that person to change their attitude or whatever.

Suicide is NOTHING to joke about-and even though I may say "guilt trip" it happens. But I dont think that person should feel or be left with that guilt. Its their own life and their own responsibility. Of course the person left behind WILL feel the guilt no matter what...but to hold that and be left thinking YOU were the one who did it-is purely wrong.

Ok-NOW Im spent!

[Clifton]

hehe, i dunno though its kindof funny to me, when i tried to kill myself i hadnt even been in love before, and then after i did(fall in love), and felt more pain than i ever had, i didnt try it again- although i definitly thought about it alot, i couldnt do that to her..even tho she was not really the reason i wanted to- it was just i couldnt handle feeling that way, i mean i maybe ate once or twice in 2 and a half weeks, didnt get outof bed- didnt shower-didnt brush my teeth-nothing i was just kindof dead i guess..and thats how i felt- and in my head it was like, i might as well- but i just couldnt have put that on her so here i am- still lonely and depressed but at least im alive. ill say this though- its refreshing to argue with someone without resorting to straight up attacks on one another, hahah, commendable squirly!!

[squirrley]

Hey outlines...your thoughts took you to a place you thought youd never find yourself I bet? And then there you were...It takes a great deal of inner strength to come back from that...it does. And then to suffer from a break up that kicked your ass too! My thoughts are this-if you can find yourself out of that black hole youre already 10 steps ahead! GOOD For YOU!

Like I say "Its great to be ALIVE!"