How do You Create Romance?

[amorexplorer]

I know that men and women define "romance" differently. For instance, my understanding is that guys think sex IS romantic, and that women prefer/desire/need romance to want to have sex.

I'd like to bridge that translation gap. I'm working on a new romance book that actually has some practical daily step-by-step ways to create romance. I started writing it for guys who may not know really what to do, where to start or who may be too busy to be creative, yet want to do stuff that will make their sweetheart melt.

I'm looking for advice (both male & female) on what you find "romantic" and what your biggest challenge is in having that experience. Time? Togetherness? Different interests? Kids? You've spent too much time being angry or upset with each other to care about being romantic and connecting? What?

I actually believe in the law of reciprocity. If you're willing to offer your advice, I'd like to offer you a free copy of the book when it's done. I want to be respectful of the forum guidelines, so just let me know in your post if you want it. Regardless, ANY input would be great! Thanks!

[bluesummer]

I think every person's experience or expectation of what 'romance' is is very very different.

As a woman, I DO find sex romantic, because I know it is to him. I don't have illusions of grandeur when it comes to romance, even though my fiance has provided them. He's bought me jewellery, taken me on vacations.....these things are lovely, but not romantic.

For me, it's enough when he suggests doing something together....even if it's a round of golf, or playing video games at home. Making dinner with me is simple but effective. Also the odd occasion where he'll come up behind me and put he arms around my waist and hug me. I love those moments. Flowers and gifts seem fake to me.

[shh!]

I don't think my definition of romace can be planned in advance. That sort of romance is for kids. I think has more to do with understanding your partner's needs and being thoughtful enough to respond to them.

The most romantic thing my husband ever did for me was to make me breakfast in bed when we went camping. It was raining, and he had to cook under a broken umbrella.

Simple thoughtfulness is romantic, IMO.

[Time Piece]

I think every person's experience or expectation of what 'romance' is is very very different.

I agree.

Flowers and gifts seem fake to me.

Whoa.

Yeah, I would have to say you are correct. Every persons experience and expectations are different.

Sending flowers and gifts to me would not be fake in any way shape or form. To me it’s an outward expression of and inward feeling about the one you love.

As a for instance I bought an itouch for my girl and loaded it with a bunch of her favorite songs along with a portable player so she could take it to work with her or wherever and listen to it. Now, I could have easily had bought here a lesser model and in FACT I didn’t have to buy her anything at all!

She has a CD player at home and in her automobile but because I love her and it is so much better and easier to have an MP3 player without any hint from her I just decided to do something nice for her and so I bought it, pre-loaded it with a bunch of her favorite songs and gave it to her.

Why? Because I love her and wanted to surprise her with something she didn’t have, put a smile on her face and make her day.

When it comes to flowers I try to make sure whether I pick wild ones or send her some from a florist that she gets them once a month. Of course she also gets love notes stuck everywhere and all sorts of other little surprises to let her know how much I love and appreciate and am grateful she is in my life.

To answer the posters question I would find a girl that reciprocates in the same fashion to be romantic. Can’t speak for all guys as it’s obvious that bluesummer has it nailed to me that each person will find it different from the rest.

But real simple things will do it for me. Come home to music, candlelight home and dinner is certainly nice. A walk around the block while holding hands or just going to take in a movie or spread out a blanket and look up at a totally blue sky.

Also, on a side note, it SEEMS to me even though it will be different for everyone I BELIEVE you have “types” of people. You’ll have some guys that the stuff I mention it does nothing for them, others that like it some and yet others that appreciate and eat up all the little things, along with the big ones, of course.

[GrkScorp]

I know that men and women define "romance" differently. For instance, my understanding is that guys think sex IS romantic, and that women prefer/desire/need romance to want to have sex.

I'd like to bridge that translation gap. I'm working on a new romance book that actually has some practical daily step-by-step ways to create romance. I started writing it for guys who may not know really what to do, where to start or who may be too busy to be creative, yet want to do stuff that will make their sweetheart melt.

Great idea.., however.., the inherent problem with marketing a quality product like that to your intended audience is that:

1. Men don't like to read
2. Men don't like the idea of self-help books (they think they're gay)
3. If you market a quality product like that to your intended male audience.., you'll inevitably have guys who just want to have sex and nothing more picking up that book and misusing the information you've spend so much time organizing..

Although.., you don't have to make "romance" sound so complex..

Romantic things guys can do:

1. Put some mental effort and thought into things: Yes.., maybe they've had some past experiences with ex-gf's that had unrealistic and unreasonably high (insatiable) expectations of them.. They had this dream and fantasy of love and men.., and anything less than that didn't make them happy.. Inevitably.., this causes a lot of guys to develop and stick with a "fcuk it" philosophy.. "No matter what I do.., it's never enough.., that b*tch is never happy.., ever! So what's the point?".. It's important to realize that not everyone is the same.. It's important to realize that if he loves you.., then one of the many reasons is that it's because you're nothing like the women he's dated in the past.. And if that's the case.., then you really "will" appreciate the things that he invests his mental effort into.. His genuine thoughtfulness will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.., loved and special.. (you're not the little girl he used to date in high school)

2. Affection = Sex? If a woman can do her part and realize that boxes of chocolates.., flowers.., cute little cards with sweet and thoughtful stuff inside are meaningless and useless to you.., then it's not too much to ask that you do the same.., that is.., consider HER point of view on "affection".. Guys live in a world that shows them supermodels and porn stars.., in a world of little girls who are more attractive physically.., who they could easily have sex with.., yet they choose to be with their girlfriend.., and eventually marry her.. And in a guy's mind.., that should be enough to show her how he feels about her.., or else he wouldn't do all that! That's a guy's problem.. "Umm.., if I didn't love you.., why would I marry you? Umm.., if I don't love you.., then why are we still together?" He feels that his love is justified.., simply because he knows how he feels about her.., and expects his partner to be psychic and secure.., as if she can read his mind..

Sometimes people are just feeling horny.. But when a guy wants to express his affection.., towards his girlfriend or wife.., he does so through sex.. The urge to have sex feels the same to him.., but what "is" different is "how" the urge was created.. Was it something she did that was non-sexual? Was it a non-sexual thought of her? Some guys get turned on thinking about their wife as the mother of his children.., as the woman they've been with for all these years.., as a great spouse.., etc.. Practical in nature.., every other form of expressing affection seems inferior.., so the "only" form they care to consider naturally.., is sex.. (note: Tracy Cox originally organized this idea.., if you would like to include it in your book.., it would be wise to contact her and request permission to do so)

Beyond just getting out of that mind-set.., they feel like "holy crap! Where do I start? What the hell does she want? It's such a mystery!".. To a lot of guys.., they feel as anxious and lost as if you just asked them to find a cure for cancer just to make you feel loved..

There's nothing wrong with tenderness and touching.., even if it's sexually erotic or suggestive: Really.., it's entirely fine to do this.., for as long as.., "it's done in a way that is clear to her that you have no intention of having things lead up to sex".., in other words.., "you're not just doing this because you want to turn her on and have sex"..

Example: You're over a friend's house for a party.., and she's sitting on your lap.., and you're touching her.., tenderly running your hands down her waist and thighs.., kissing her cheeks and neck.., pulling her hair.., holding her close to you.., etc.. Same things (while trying to keep it PG) that you would be doing if you were alone.. But the point is that you're NOT alone! There are people there.., and it's quite clear that you're not intending to have things lead to sex right there! So it's quite clear that you're not being this way with her because you want to have sex.. This is actually very affectionate and tender..

Side note: In case you didn't know as a guy.., you are a dog! That's right.., that's how she sees you.. When you want to have sex.., to her.., it's for no other reason than some animal-like primal urge.. If you don't believe me.., just turn on your TV and see how men are portrayed.., welcome to America.. So when you want to have sex.., to her.., (remember.., it's her point of view you have to consider here for a moment).., you "just" want to have "sex" (which from her point of view.., has nothing to do with how you feel about her or how much you love her).. This is something that a lot of guys don't get.., don't want to understand.., and it's something that holds them back romantically..

3. Money = Love? This is the lovely by-product of gender stereotyping.. Statistically.., 51% of the male population thinks about sex at least once a day (McKinsey Institute).., and 68% of the female population thinks about shopping at least once a day (The Feminine Mystique).. Can you guess the type of men that very attractive women attract into their lives? Can you take a guess on the type of women than very wealthy men attract into their lives? Can you go one step further and guess what's eventually going to happen?

Someone is going to get hurt.., and that someone is going to produce a hasty generalization about the opposite sex.. The result is going to be.., women who feel they have to dress slutty or be whores to attract and keep men.., and men who feel they have to take a 2nd mortgage and file for Chapter 11 every 7 years to make their girlfriend happy and show her how much he loves her..

She's not after your money.. So she doesn't need to see you dig yourself into a financial rut just to feel loved or special.. You're not dating a prostitute.., so stop treating her like one.. It's actually disrespectful towards her to believe that this is the kind of girl she is.. (but that's not to say that a Tiffany's box isn't a welcome surprise once in a while)

Men who let their money do the talking are guys who are too lazy to put in the mental effort.. And the reason they're lazy is because they lack the motivation.. And the reason they lack the motivation is simply because they don't really care about the other person.. These are the kind of men who have crazy theories about "muffins" (you know who you are!).. These men don't want a girlfriend.., they want a hooker.. But ironically.., if you don't want someone who's cheap.., then stop thinking that you have to open up your wallet every time you want to make her happy..

Good luck on your book..

[bluesummer]

Time Piece, when I said flowers and gifts seem fake, it was a generalization, based on bad experiences I've had.

My bastard ex-husband used to buy me a dozen roses when he did something bad. So to me, it seems like an ass-kissing gift. Or something that you do because you feel obligated.

My fiance understands this, and therefore when he buys me flowers, he'll buy me one or two. He also doesn't ever buy me things to 'make up' for something gone wrong. I don't like receiving gifts when I feel like the person feels obligated. It doesn't seem romantic to me. The best gift I ever got was my golf clubs, from my fiance. He bought them simply because he wanted me to learn (he loves golf) so he could share his love of the game with me. It was very sweet, and appreciated. And not forced.

[Time Piece]

Time Piece, when I said flowers and gifts seem fake, it was a generalization, based on bad experiences I've had.

My bastard ex-husband used to buy me a dozen roses when he did something bad. So to me, it seems like an ass-kissing gift. Or something that you do because you feel obligated.

My fiance understands this, and therefore when he buys me flowers, he'll buy me one or two. He also doesn't ever buy me things to 'make up' for something gone wrong. I don't like receiving gifts when I feel like the person feels obligated. It doesn't seem romantic to me. The best gift I ever got was my golf clubs, from my fiance. He bought them simply because he wanted me to learn (he loves golf) so he could share his love of the game with me. It was very sweet, and appreciated. And not forced.

Got it, and thanks for the clarification.

Totally agree.

When you goof up as an individual all that is necessary is an apology.

Giving someone a gift is more like barter. I think that is the word I'm looking for.