How Often is Normal?

[Mish]

The evaluation of relationship

I guess when everything is great there is no need for it, but when things are rocky how often is normal to re-evaluate the relationship inside of your head? And is it healthy or unhealthy? Also, how often is normal to question whether you are with the right person and what criteria should satisfy that? (E.g. the fact that relationship improves after disagreements means the partner is good?)


No personal problems brought these questions on, just curious for general perspective.

[ecojeanne]

Mish, the answer is a difficult one. It depends how paranoid or jealous one is haha. Of course its always important not to ignore signs. I’m not sure if there is a regular need to do this. I think people do it every so often with their friends. Friends talk and possibly plant a seed worth thinking about.

If one is happy then sitting down to think can be over thinking and end up causing more problems than it’s worth. Good communication between each other is always so important and sharing thoughts (not every single one obviously) together can be a boost to the relationship if each person is able to be open and accept faults. I would reckon women evaluate more than men…that’s just a guess.

I have no real concrete answer to offer, sorry.

[bluesummer]

It's an individual thing, but I know I evaluate it my relationship quite often in my head. I think a part of me feels like I was very naive in past relationships.....trying to make things work with someone it was clearly never going to work with. So yeah, I analyze the situation now and again. I need to check in with myself to make sure I'm seeing things the way I should.

[Dasein]

When I was with the wrong people I would evaluate it in my head very regularly.

I have realised since that I needed to do this evaluation because clearly something wasn't quite right. It was this thinking that helped me form an opinion that the relationship wasn't right and to move on.

Now that I am in a healthy relationship I don't feel the need to muse as much. I am the type of person that has a lot of internal chatter though so I still do think about it at times but usually it is good thoughts.

[IndiReloaded]

Mish, our family doc says that married ppl should go see a counsellor at least once a year, even if things are going great. Its like car maintenance, avoiding a problem is much better than putting the fire out when you're on the road.

[lesa]

I heard that it's better to evaluate the relationship, discuss disagreements and solve them than to always be in complete bliss. For a blissful relationship when something bad happens in the relationship or to a partner the whole relationship crashes quickly and it usually stays down. I know this all too well.

EDIT: How often is normal? Like IndiReloaded said at least once a year for a healthy relationship. It's not used to find things that are wrong so that you can breakup. It's there so that things doesn't eventually blow up. If you are constantly finding fault that you cannot live with then it's not the partner for you.

[shh!]

If a non-marital relationship is rocky, I don't see the point in repeatedly microanalyzing it. I would just admit it wasn't a match.

[Mish]

If a non-marital relationship is rocky, I don't see the point in repeatedly microanalyzing it. I would just admit it wasn't a match.

What if things are rocky only once in awhile and most of the time they are perfect? How often is normal?

[IndiReloaded]

I seem to remember Mish, that its not about 'how often' so much as 'how'.

I remember an article about successful marriages. There were 3 types, and, surprisingly, 'fiery' relationships where there was a lot of conflict (but things got solved) was still a viable partnership for those ppl. Some ppl like all the passion. Think latino or mediteranean, I guess.

If I can find the link, I will post the article.

[lesa]

The relationship needs to be analyze when it is good. If you are constantly evaluating whether the relationship should end or should continue, it is not the relationship for you. However, communicating what is going on in the relationship and solving any disagreements in vital. If the couple is having a great time and then something happens to change that, this couple usually cannot cope. They will not remain happily together soon after this incident. If you are in a relationship right now and you answer that everything is perfect with absolutely no disagreements, you are in for a surprise when it finally blows up. I guarantee to you that someone is quiet about an issue in the relationship but when it is finally discussed it may be too late to save the relationship. Communication is extremely important. I used to brag to my friends that I have never ever had arguments with my ex for 3-4 years. I thought that was the definition of a great relationship.

[MenSeekingWomen]

I also think it's very individual.

[Mish]

Thanks everyone. Your feedback helped me come to this conclusion:

It's true that every single relationship goes through some type of rockiness at some point in time. There are no relationships which are absolutely perfect. There is no answer to how often is normal and how often is too much because it all depends entirely on individual circumstances and thus the only real indicator is the internal compass. Our internal compass alone should decide when too much is too much and when a moderate amount is normal (or even healthy).

Did I miss anything?

[IndiReloaded]

Our internal compass alone should decide when too much is too much and when a moderate amount is normal (or even healthy).

I think this is about right, Mish. Just keep in mind that it IS possible to analyze a relationship to death. When making points, try to keep them focussed and positive. That 5:1 rule (5 positives to 1 negative, or better) is probably the most useful thing to keep in mind. Its easy to slide into a negative balance in LTRs.