Pushy?

[CAM]

Ok, dated this woman for about 2.5 months. She's cute, smart, around my age, and most importantly: going out with me.

Went on a date this weekend. A very long date. Had fun and all. But, why did I feel all of a sudden like she was "a friend?" I mean, she wasn't sending out that vibe, but I just felt that way all of a sudden.

Part of it is a mixture of things. First off, she always asks what I want which at times seems rather meaningless. I mean, I'll express preferences on the big things...the small things don't matter so much and I'll say, "Well, whatever you choose." She seems to want me to express preferences on the small things; yet those things are of no concern to me.

On the big things, she seems to be a bit pushy. I say, sure a road trip to the reservoir today and we have lunch on the shoreline, pretty much spend the whole day there, sipping wine, etc. But, then she's on to plans for the next weekend--hey, lets drive four hours to a national forest for the day and come back the same day. Uh, not so fun. I find myself saying "nada" to some of these hair-brained schemes--and she readily admits that she's "unrealistic" about many things. So, when I say "probably not" to the long trip for the next weekend, she says that she'd like to hear my plans for spending time with her in the next week, so she can figure out her schedule. If I say, "hey hot about these two events" then she'll say, "Okay, and how about adding this third event, too?"

See, it gets a bit pushy. I mean, its a compliment that she wants to spend time with me, but its only been 2.5 months...what's the rush? Maybe it contributed to my "friend" feelings?

Your thoughts?

[xO Lanna]

I think it's a personality trait of hers and the only thing that can change it is if you address to her what is bothering you. Communication is a major role in a relationship if you want to make it work. So if you want to continue this you need to tell her what she's doing that is bothering you.

[MavViper]

both me and my girlfriend are like this, though I think I'm the more "pushy" as you put it. Though that is referring to planning things. As far as asking preferences, I'm like you on that. big things obviously I will have a preference, but the small things don't really matter much to me.

[IndiReloaded]

Heya Cam, you're misreading the situation. Don't think of it as pushy, she just wants to feel like she has given some input. Yes, you should be flattered, and relieved that you actually found a woman that isn't all 'whatever you say, honey'.

Why don't you take a completely different approach? Instead of you building a single weekend, just take turns. You 'trip master' one weekend, and she for the next. Avoids miscommunication.

I like the way you offered a choice for what to do, btw. Its a nice way to handle things. If she does the same then you can avoid the more silly trips like the 4-hour drive sort. On the other hand, don't be completely adverse to being spontaneous. Its not like you couldn't have gone and then stayed overnight someplace.

[vashti]

I don't like when men defer all decsions about small things to me. I'd like him to be equally responsible for the trivial stuff. That stuff doesn't matter to me, either. Why should *I* always get stuck deciding?

[misombra]

kinda sounds like she wants to do a lot of things and maybe now that she has company there's a bunch of other things to do.

enthusiasm maybe?

[CAM]

Excellent advice, thanks!

The latest deal is this: I say, let's have lunch on Wed., movie Thursday, and then on Saturday, spend the day together. So, I planned. Her comeback is: okay, sounds great. I was also thinking that Friday I'd cook dinner for you.

See, to me this is "moving in" and its like inside I'm saying, "Damn it, why must one add on one more thing?" It becomes a turn-off. I actually have to do some work on the weekends, part of my job; yet, she doesn't seem to "hear" me when I say this....yet, one doesn't want to blow up; one wants to explain that (again) calmly.

[CAM]

kinda sounds like she wants to do a lot of things and maybe now that she has company there's a bunch of other things to do.

enthusiasm maybe?

I'm enthusiastic up to a point. I think you hit on something which makes this 'enthusiasm' on her part a bit less altruistic. Namely, that *she* does have a lot of things *she wants to do* that she hasn't been able to do recently...so, she wants to do them...all at once...its like she's making up for the last decade of non-activity.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, CAM. You're just being a control freak. I totally understand. I do this too.

This early stage of a relationship is all about wrangling and positioning for future control. What she's doing is perfectly natural and can easily be dealt with by someone with your IQ. See it like a dance rather than a wrestling match and just samba right back at her.

[starbuck]

Excellent advice, thanks!

The latest deal is this: I say, let's have lunch on Wed., movie Thursday, and then on Saturday, spend the day together. So, I planned. Her comeback is: okay, sounds great. I was also thinking that Friday I'd cook dinner for you.

See, to me this is "moving in" and its like inside I'm saying, "Damn it, why must one add on one more thing?" It becomes a turn-off. I actually have to do some work on the weekends, part of my job; yet, she doesn't seem to "hear" me when I say this....yet, one doesn't want to blow up; one wants to explain that (again) calmly.

She does sound a little like she's being a little pushy to me. Or maybe it's not pushy, but inconsiderate. If you had wanted to hang out on Friday, too, you would have suggested it, right? When I date a guy, I always try to keep in mind that he has a personal life beyond the dating. But then again, I like alot of alone time.

To be honest, I wouldn't blame you for being slightly turned off or feeling like things are moving too fast. I think the best thing to do when she brings up the extra set of plans is just to politely decline. There's nothing wrong with telling her that you need some time to get some personal things done and it has nothing to do with her.

[blackzj52]

sounds like maybe a combo of things: clingy, controlling (a little bit), and maybe pushy as well.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I seem to view it differently. I don't think she's at all inconsiderate. My guess is that she wants to feel like she's contributing.

Cam, you know I'm married to 'your sort', so I'll take a stab here and say that she probably knows *exactly* how busy you are and this is her way of trying to make you feel you don't need to do everything, by way of organizing your time together. Perhaps she even feels a bit worried and/or guilty about how much time she perceives you are spending on it. You need to chat quickly about this and reassure her, if necessary.

I would just tell her how much you enjoy organizing things & that she shouldn't feel like she needs to 'fire back' with her own ideas all the time. Explain to her that it actually takes away from your enjoyment of 'looking after her' in this way & that she should just relax when its 'her turn'.

Again, if you two could alternate being 'captain' of your dating ship, I think this might take any pressure off her or you if I'm right about this.

Oh, btw, the fact that she wants to be involved is an *excellent* sign, not at all negative. She's into you, she cares enough to give her own mental energy & time to seeing you and she seems interested that things are "fair" in terms of how this effort is distributed. All in all, she sounds like a nice lady, Cam.

My $0.02 on it, anyways.

[CAM]

I was nice enough to make lunch for her today--sandwiches and stuff in a local park near work. Even a tiny bottle of champagne. See, a romantic at heart

However, I am, as Starbuck put it, a bit of a loner. I like to be alone ALOT. It makes me nervous to spent too much time with people. For example, recent laudatory remarks at work bring attention to me--nice that they care, but I really don't want any attention

I will politely decline on the Friday night dinner and a suggested all-afternoon movie marathon. She can come over and watch movies while the Halloween kiddies are coming around, however. I enjoy her company, but it simultaneously makes me nervous...does that make sense?

[starbuck]

I will politely decline on the Friday night dinner and a suggested all-afternoon movie marathon. She can come over and watch movies while the Halloween kiddies are coming around, however. I enjoy her company, but it simultaneously makes me nervous...does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense. You like her, but don't want things to move too fast. I like the idea suggested of taking turns making plans, so that she does feel like she's contributing, too.

But there is nothing wrong with spending a night away from each other. Prolong the "dating" stage as long for a few more months if you can. It's a very fun stage, and too much too soon isn't good for a relationship.

[CAM]

The dating stage...yes, it continues. Depends upon what you call "dating"

So, Saturday, I took her out on a date. That went on for eight or nine hours. Movie, dinner, then 5 hours of sex. Is that the "dating stage" or have we moved on?