How to be more friendly

[beans28]

Hey - I am a nice person but people say that I give off a certain vibe that can make me intimidating. I sometimes know what they are talking about bc I can feel myself doing it. Like if im not interested in a convo or I dont care for the person I am talking to. I can pretty much pull it off at work - but of course that MY opinion...

But especially people I dont care for...I cant hide it. I really do try but my friends say im horrible.

so how can I pull this off.

Example: one of my man's best friends - can stand him but cant hide it. He did do a few things to get on my shit list but still i know i will have to deal wit him for the rest of my life..... HOW???????

[1sxybtch]

Hey - I am a nice person but people say that I give off a certain vibe that can make me intimidating. I sometimes know what they are talking about bc I can feel myself doing it. Like if im not interested in a convo or I dont care for the person I am talking to. I can pretty much pull it off at work - but of course that MY opinion...

But especially people I dont care for...I cant hide it. I really do try but my friends say im horrible.

so how can I pull this off.

Example: one of my man's best friends - can stand him but cant hide it. He did do a few things to get on my shit list but still i know i will have to deal wit him for the rest of my life..... HOW???????

i think if you have legitimate reasons for not liking someone, you don't have to pretend to like them, but you should be civil. if it's one of your man's best friends, then that adds another level of complexity because you need to think about what affect that has on your relationship and whether you're respecting his friendships as well. my .02...

[miSSleepy]

I find it hard to hide my dislike for some people too. I also find it hard to genuinely dislike someone. I think there are only one or 2 people at the moment, but I don't have to associate with them anyway. If I don't like someone, it's usually just indifference.

[IndiReloaded]

Its possible. You do something called being 'painfully polite'. Basically, you do all the socially correct things but lacking any 'warmth' to the actions. Most ppl can instinctively 'feel' this happening but won't be able to point to any specific action on your part to justify it. Its a way of making someone uneasy & creating a barrier so they don't make any further attempts to deepen your social interaction. Some ppl can pull this off better than others, its important you don't come off as snide or unwilling in your politeness. Its usually just a matter of practice. After a while, it just becomes second nature. Hope this helps.

Oh, and being friendly is basically the opposite. You inject a certain amount of 'warmth' into your interactions. Over time, this increase in intimacy will result in friendship, if you find enough in common. But if this is someone you don't want to know more closely then I suggest doing what I said.

[vashti]

Controlling your behavior despite your uncomfortable feelings is a part of being a mature adult, while impulsivity is associated with immaturity. If you keep this in mind, you may have more motivation for behaving decently.

[beans28]

Controlling your behavior despite your uncomfortable feelings is a part of being a mature adult, while impulsivity is associated with immaturity. If you keep this in mind, you may have more motivation for behaving decently.

In some instances, I would agree with your statement. However, I don't think that it is all about " maturity" - people have feelings and it can be hard to control them. Of course, you do react to things differently as you grow and mature but being "impulsive" is not always related to maturity. Ex - OCD is disorder in which one acts impulsively/ obsessively - doesnt mean that they are not mature. However, as a child you can act impulsive when you want something.

[vashti]

Do you have a psych disorder, or is yours a matter of immaturity?

[IndiReloaded]

so how can I pull this off.

i know i will have to deal wit him for the rest of my life..... HOW???????

Statements about maturity are true & I agree with them. However, they don't give you specific ideas about what kind of new behaviours you can adopt.

You asked specifically *how*. I gave you one method that could work. Is it too difficult for you, or are you looking for an excuse to be bitchy to your BF friends? I don't think you'll find approval for that here, tho perhaps someone else might have other ideas for you.

[vashti]

Statements about maturity are true & I agree with them. However, they don't give you specific ideas about what kind of new behaviours you can adopt.

Didn't the idea of people thinking you were immature serve as a powerful motivator for controlling behavior? It always worked/works for me.

[IndiReloaded]

I never much worried about that, I was always relatively serious compared to my peers. For me it was more about anticipating negative consequences. Which is part of maturity, I suppose. But it took a lot of trial & error (and watching ppl who were obviously better than me at these things) to figure out HOW to manage it. I didn't 'grok' ppl intuitively, I needed a framework to work from.

[ecojeanne]

Example: one of my man's best friends - can stand him but cant hide it. He did do a few things to get on my shit list but still i know i will have to deal wit him for the rest of my life..... HOW???????

i'm not so sure about this one. If someone does something bad to you, well it would be something i would discuss with the person to find out if in any way there was miscommunication of some sort (coz its not fair to assume anything was done on purpose or that they don't get to say their side). if it's clear even with their denials then i make myself clear. now only if this is a so called friend can you do this.

In work it's a different story, however i do think when someone dislikes someone for no apparent reason it is completely ridiculous and does happen a lot in the workplace. for me i don't dislike many people at all and if i get a feeling something is up with me or them then i try to discuss.

if i know discussing won't work; well then i'm as nice as pie to them even tho i don't want to be. it has happened on occasions where i have changed my mind about a person to being nice from what i initially perceived to be a nasty person ( i guess i'm trying to change them with my niceness in the hope it will happen) . some people have a lot of bad days for a while. people tend to think i am too tolerant but overall this has worked for me with most negative people that other people agree are not nice/stupid/useless/annoy team members etc etc.

take the high road would be my opinion and discuss or be nice. cold shoulder or being so called 'barely polite' is actually quite a bitchy two-faced thing to do imo. make an effort.

just my thoughts

[Gigabitch]

You need to understand that it's making YOU look bad, like you were raised by wolves, and stop it. Just stop it. Your inner bitch doesn't have to come out. Put her on a leash.

[Junket]

I pick my battles.

You need to learn to do so, too.

[beans28]

i'm not so sure about this one. If someone does something bad to you, well it would be something i would discuss with the person to find out if in any way there was miscommunication of some sort (coz its not fair to assume anything was done on purpose or that they don't get to say their side). if it's clear even with their denials then i make myself clear. now only if this is a so called friend can you do this.

In work it's a different story, however i do think when someone dislikes someone for no apparent reason it is completely ridiculous and does happen a lot in the workplace. for me i don't dislike many people at all and if i get a feeling something is up with me or them then i try to discuss.

if i know discussing won't work; well then i'm as nice as pie to them even tho i don't want to be. it has happened on occasions where i have changed my mind about a person to being nice from what i initially perceived to be a nasty person ( i guess i'm trying to change them with my niceness in the hope it will happen) . some people have a lot of bad days for a while. people tend to think i am too tolerant but overall this has worked for me with most negative people that other people agree are not nice/stupid/useless/annoy team members etc etc.

take the high road would be my opinion and discuss or be nice. cold shoulder or being so called 'barely polite' is actually quite a bitchy two-faced thing to do imo. make an effort.

just my thoughts

Yes I hear you and respect what you are saying. Thanks !

[beans28]

You need to understand that it's making YOU look bad, like you were raised by wolves, and stop it. Just stop it. Your inner bitch doesn't have to come out. Put her on a leash.

Actually it doesn't make me look bad, in my situation. Raised by wolves? That is a little harsh - I don't think I gave any info that would indicate that I am THAT horrible....