"just friends"

[vaneigem]

Usually if a girl tells me she just wants to be friends, I'd take that as meaning she just isn't attracted to me. But in this case, I'm pretty confused by it.
I got to know this girl slowly over my first year of university, because she was a flatmate of one of my friends from back home. I had a girlfriend for most of the first year, and didn't really expect anything to come about with this girl, but after I broke up with my girlfriend I noticed that she was starting to flirt with me a lot, (and she even tried to kiss me once whilst I was still going out with my girlfriend and she was really drunk) and I started talking to her a lot more when I was visiting my other friend; finally on the last night before I went back home we hooked up, had sex, and I even took her for a walk down this beautiful canal that not many people know about in the early hours of the morning as the sun came up. It was great, possibly as romantic as one night stands can get.

Next semester starts, and she comes to my house warming party and we spend much of the time chatting and she stays over and we have (really good!) sex. Our mutual friend even told me that she thought it was the best sex she'd had. But then, the other night, I went for a drink with her and her flatmates and came back to their flat. Her flatmates went to bed and it was just us, and we were getting on really well, so I try to kiss her...but then to my surprise she says no, because we could be really good friends and she doesn't want to ruin it. We still share a bed and cuddle though.

So...I'm pretty confused. We get on well enough for her to want to be friends, she's definately attracted to me sexually, and she was the first to show interest. So why put the brakes on like that? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me...

I've asked her flatmate about this, and she says that this girl thinks that it wouldn't work, and also that she usually goes out with "assholes" which I guess means trendy image-conscious pseudo-"alternative" superficial guys. She's told me in bed that I'm "a bit different," which I guess means I'm different to those guys. Is it just the case that she likes me, but feels like trendy guys are the only viable choice of a partner for her? (not that I don't dress well, take care of my appearance etc, but I think I come across as a bit kooky sometimes-which, ironically, is probably also what attracted her to me in the first place)

[IndiReloaded]

so I try to kiss her...but then to my surprise she says no, because we could be really good friends and she doesn't want to ruin it. We still share a bed and cuddle though.

So...I'm pretty confused. We get on well enough for her to want to be friends, she's definately attracted to me sexually, and she was the first to show interest. So why put the brakes on like that? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me...

I'm confused also. Normally a gal that says 'just friends' won't share your bed and cuddle. So, I'm going to suggest that she's either: lying & she wants you to pursue her more aggressively, or she's manipulating you.

She's not taken, is she? Thats the only other thing I can think.

Anyway, I'd try again. Don't give up just yet. But if she is resistant, then I think you are within your rights to ask her 'WTF?' and say she's giving you mixed messages.

[vaneigem]

nah she's definately not taken...it's possible she's just playing hard to get, but if so it's still quite a funny way of playing it, feigning disinterest casually is one thing but actually saying outright that nothing else will happen, is likely just to make the other person give up.

[IndiReloaded]

Like I said, I also find it confusing. So, in such cases it is usually best to ask directly. Good luck.

(and delete your repeat post please)

[vaneigem]

If it helps, I forgot to mention that the second time we had sex, when I started to undress her she stopped and said "ok, but as long as you know this is just this and nothing more." So maybe she just wanted to have sex with me but not get involved any further?

[starbuck]

If it helps, I forgot to mention that the second time we had sex, when I started to undress her she stopped and said "ok, but as long as you know this is just this and nothing more." So maybe she just wanted to have sex with me but not get involved any further?

That's what it sounds like to me. Maybe she should have told you that she just wants to be "sex friends."

[vaneigem]

If she likes me, get's on with me, and fancies me why doesn't she want to get more involved? I'm pretty sure she isn't just trying to stay single, I really don't get it...

[IndiReloaded]

Sometimes, ppl aren't looking for a relationship. And ppl enjoy sex. She's been pretty clear about this, I wouldn't get too attached.

[ecojeanne]

actually you may have a chance of a relationship. women generally speaking after having sex are more emotional and therefore eventually transition from sex buddy to wanting more. i would say go with the flow, let her play hard to get, enjoy the relationship for as far as it goes would be my advice

she could be a different type of girl and like detached sex, i still say go with the flow

good luck

[IndiReloaded]

Stop getting his hopes up, Eco. The type of f-buddy situation you describe is where a dumb girl agrees to sex w/a guy she likes in the hopes that HE might become attached and want more.

This is not the same at all. Her statement suggests she is in control. More like the male in a typical f-buddy situation. She has stated clearly she's only into the sex & doesn't want more. Sounds pretty cut & dry to me: have sex, don't get attached. If you do, your bad.

[ecojeanne]

This is not the same at all. Her statement suggests she is in control. More like the male in a typical f-buddy situation. She has stated clearly she's only into the sex & doesn't want more. Sounds pretty cut & dry to me: have sex, don't get attached. If you do, your bad.

well women are generally more emotional than men and men are naturally programmed to be less emotional to spread their seed, so i'm not so sure, anyway i did say go with the flow and see what happens

[IndiReloaded]

men are naturally programmed to be less emotional to spread their seed

For the record, I think this is a crock. Men are just as emotional as women, they just have different criteria for expression. They control it better b/c, historically, there have been good reasons for it.

[ecojeanne]

For the record, I think this is a crock. Men are just as emotional as women, they just have different criteria for expression. They control it better b/c, historically, there have been good reasons for it.

how do you explain all the single moms out there verses how many single dads out there who look after the children permanently, more men walk away than women...why is that?......i think that shows that men tend to be less emotional