Sister in Law

[Connor 45]

Yeah ive tried to be more supportive by not responding to her comments and it has improved somewhat in the last week or so .
i find it hard as i feel that im being used as a emotional punch bag a bit ,but im trying not to fire back and see how it goes ????
i do try and spend more time with her but something i havnt mentioned before is that we live very near to her mother now since we moved a couple of months ago as she was home sick when we lived away. She does spend alot of time with her and some evenings i sit alone because i dont want to watch and listen to their stuff. sorry but i feel she should spend the evening with me not her mother !

[vashti]

Is that a joke? Are you actually whining about her visiting her mother?

[lesa]

I wonder about that website I posted in another thread. It said that 48% (I think) of men surveyed said that they cheated because they felt underappreciated. When I read posts like these (there are several others), it sure as hell looks like this is what these men are saying in many ways.

[Dating Port]

In my respect it's oveer. I just know me. I wouldn't advise anyone to take the same path though. I set my self apart in those views. My boss and I talk about this all the time in seeing what we want and what we see before us and do not want to become. Sort of "what keeps you young theory".

[IndiReloaded]

In my respect it's oveer. I just know me. I wouldn't advise anyone to take the same path though. I set my self apart in those views. My boss and I talk about this all the time in seeing what we want and what we see before us and do not want to become. Sort of "what keeps you young theory".

Interesting. But you don't think you are doing your wife & kids a disservice by remaining in a factually dead marriage? The research says that kids only do better in *stable* 2-parent homes. Sometimes divorce is preferable.

Also, there is your wife to consider. While YOU may be okay with the status quo, if you are truly finished don't you think she might be better off in the long run with the chance of finding someone who can meet her emotional & physical needs?

I'm sorry, but I see your approach just as half-assed as Connors. And its teaching your children the wrong message.

[Aeradalia]

Yeah ive tried to be more supportive by not responding to her comments and it has improved somewhat in the last week or so .
i find it hard as i feel that im being used as a emotional punch bag a bit ,but im trying not to fire back and see how it goes ????
i do try and spend more time with her but something i havnt mentioned before is that we live very near to her mother now since we moved a couple of months ago as she was home sick when we lived away. She does spend alot of time with her and some evenings i sit alone because i dont want to watch and listen to their stuff. sorry but i feel she should spend the evening with me not her mother !

Her visiting her mother may be a blessing in disguise. She has an opportunity to vent to another about her frustrations and worries... instead of placing it all solely on you. Slowly she may start to spend more time with you... and less with her mother.

If you can endure it... you might want to spend more time watching and listening to her and try to remain positive. People tend to absorb the feel of others around them without realizing it. If you're in a somewhat glum mood you tend to seek out those that are happier because it helps to uplift your mood. Might be able to do the same for her by keeping a good mood around her, saying positive things, and more importantly... doing things that reflect positively on her and you.

It may take some time... but you should see something positive for your efforts.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah ive tried to be more supportive by not responding to her comments and it has improved somewhat in the last week or so .
i find it hard as i feel that im being used as a emotional punch bag a bit

If by not responding, you mean refusing to engage in an argument, good for you. If you mean, however, ignoring her legitimate points all you will do is continue to harbour her resentment.

Re: emotional punch bag. It sucks, yes. But in any conflct resolution, someone has to take the first steps toward ceasefire. Which means you'll take a few bullets, yes.

Is it okay? Hell no. BUT you have to keep your eye on the larger prize.

Choose your battles, Connor. I'm not saying in any way you get to be her doormat. Do stick up for yourself if you are abused. Set boundaries for her by telling her what behaviour isn't okay & why. If she tries to justify, tell her you are prepared to hear her issues, but not to be abused by her in the process. Whatever evil you might be doing, doesn't justify HER behaviour. Two wrongs don't = right, argument.

And try to find something GOOD to focus on with her. At least once a day. You need to start climbing out of the hole you two have dug for yourselves. It will take time, be patient both of you.

[Dating Port]

Interesting. But you don't think you are doing your wife & kids a disservice by remaining in a factually dead marriage? The research says that kids only do better in *stable* 2-parent homes. Sometimes divorce is preferable.

This IS my wife's doing and although I really don't want to be here My kids only see a "stable" front.

Also, there is your wife to consider. While YOU may be okay with the status quo, if you are truly finished don't you think she might be better off in the long run with the chance of finding someone who can meet her emotional & physical needs?

Yes I am OK with this but I tell her all the time it's time to move on and find someone else.

I'm sorry, but I see your approach just as half-assed as Connors. And its teaching your children the wrong message.

As i said, my kids see a stable front. There is another thread in here where a guy's GF has panick attacks for insecurity. While I'm not using this as an excuse for my situation, I'm in the same boat but married. My wife and I talk about this all the time also and I'm trying to work my way through this with out dire effects. You give honest advice Indi, and if we wish to continue this discussion we should start our own dialog in a new thread so as not to take away from the discussion at hand.

[lesa]

Yes lead me to a new thread. How long have you been married? How old are the children? Did you initially thought to spend a wonderful lifetime with the wife? Why the desire to end the relationship now? Why the choice to have children?

[Connor 45]

As i said it will take time !

[Dating Port]

New thread is "Not loving my wife" in the "love advice" forum