What's the best way to repair this friendship?

[odkits]

I'd appreciate any advice on this matter and I thank you very much in advance for your time and help. I am a guy in my mid-20s, and a few months back, I fell hard for one of my closest girl friends, who happens to be a few years younger than I am. Our age difference was a big deal to me at first, but I eventually realized that she was incredibly mature for her age and we became very close in a short amount of time.

The two of us were unbelievably compatible and we shared a chemistry unlike anything I had ever known before. In addition to hanging out - both amongst our friends and just by ourselves - we would often spend hours at a time on the phone, sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. At one point, our relationship had actually begun to move beyond a normal friendship and we both revealed feelings for each other. However, a big obstacle arose in the form of her leaving for college before any next step could be taken, i.e. a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, so we decided to remain friends. The two of us felt it was only fair that she needed the opportunity to be on her own and experience the college life that I had just spent four years living. In addition, I didn't want to hold her back from anything and I mostly didn't want her to have any regrets.

I initially felt good about us remaining friends, but the transition hit me really hard and I eventually fell apart, in a sense. A few times I expressed strong feelings for her, only for her to tell me that she just wanted to remain friends at this time in her life. She did, however, tell me that she thought we had something special and that she loved me, but again, she needed this time to experience college.

After a month or so of us exchanging phone calls and texts every few days - she would often tell me that she missed me - I made the mistake of telling her that I couldn't be friends with her while I continued to have such strong feelings for her. I needed to take some time to myself to move on so I could be the best friend to her without having any feelings attached. She begrudgingly accepted my decision and told me to take as much time as I needed and that we would always be friends. She also told me that she hoped I would change my mind because she wanted to see me the next time she came home. I appreciated her response but realized a few days later that I had made a mistake. I felt it was selfish of me to do this to her when she had always been there for me and it was my duty as a friend to push my feelings aside and to continue to be there for her.

I notified her of this decision, but it seemed like she had grown extremely cold in those few short days. She never explained the reason, but she told me that she couldn't talk to me for the time being and that she needed "space." This conversation took place over two months ago, and since I didn't want to disappoint her, I have given her the space that she has needed. Her first visit home passed without a phone call or a text and I now worry that she has forgotten all about me. I know she has been having a great time at school - going out on a regular basis, making new friends, etc. - and I'm glad that she is happy because she deserves to be. On the other hand, I do want to be friends with her again.

I've been able to move past my feelings for her after realizing that the two of us are in completely different stages of our lives and a relationship between us would never work out given the circumstances. However, she was a very important part of my life at one point and I would like us to be friends again. I realize that people change when they leave for college and I know that things obviously won't go back to the way they were (it's highly unlikely we will be able to have the closeness we once shared), but I do miss her friendship.

Is it possible that she has forgotten about me after leaving for school and having such a great time? Is it even worth trying to contact her and be friends with her again at this time? Or should I just move on completely and chalk it up to a learning experience? Once again, any help or advice is much appreciated.

[Cbrider]

I would bet that she was shocked when you told her you needed space and her initial reaction was sympathetic and understanding. I am the same way or at least have been with past girlfriends and friends. I am passive aggressive and it bites me in the ass sometimes. You say one thing at the ttime of the event but your mind changes and does a 180 over the course of the next few days.

Your best bet is to be completely honest with her, what you said in this post is what you need to explain to her, don't leave anything out, don't give her a reason to doubt you. Shes hurt by what you did, time, honesty and respect can fix these things.

[odkits]

cbrider, I sincerely appreciate your response. To be honest, I had never even considered the fact that she might have had her feelings hurt by this situation. She was so understanding when I told her that I needed some space - saying that she would give me all the time I needed and that this separation would only be temporary, as well as saying that she wanted to see me when she got home - that I figured we would jump right back into our friendship as soon as I was ready.

I was never disrespectful toward her in any way, and in fact, I was a strong support system for her while she was going through some difficult times. I was the person she would call up to talk to about her problems and she would cry on the phone to me whenever she needed to. I was understanding, compassionate, helpful, and I was always there - I thought I was the best friend possible.

However, now thinking back on it, it must have been so confusing and frustrating for her to have me go back and forth about what I wanted and needed. I guess there were times, especially when I confessed my feelings for her, that put her in a difficult spot and it must have been even worse to have me tell her that I couldn't be friends with her. It was selfish of me to do so and she was right to be upset.

I have written her a short email, apologizing for anything I ever did or said to make her upset and I let her know how much our friendship means to me. I also told her that I would always be there for her if she ever needed anything and I wished her luck with all of the things going on in her life. She has yet to respond, but if she does, do you think it's necessary for me to repeat some of the things I have written so far, i.e. about feeling selfish for what I did, or would that only rehash bad memories? If she does respond, should I just keep things positive and ask how she is presently doing or would that be rushing things?

Thank you again for your time and help.

[Cbrider]

I would repeat it, you really have the burden of showing her that you are truly sorry. You have to remember, words are a bodiless thing, actions will always show what you want people to see.

Keep it positive, admit where you were wrong and apologize, but stay positive, it will make things easier for her to accept I think. She doesn't seem like this kind of person, but there are people who get angry if you don't seem dreary and deeply upset, but that is a fault within them, not you.

[odkits]

I would repeat it, you really have the burden of showing her that you are truly sorry. You have to remember, words are a bodiless thing, actions will always show what you want people to see.

Keep it positive, admit where you were wrong and apologize, but stay positive, it will make things easier for her to accept I think. She doesn't seem like this kind of person, but there are people who get angry if you don't seem dreary and deeply upset, but that is a fault within them, not you.

Thank you again for the response. I'm at the point where I don't really know how to show her that I'm sorry other than by saying it. She is halfway across the country at school and I'm fairly certain she's not going to want to hang out when she comes home next. She hasn't responded to my email, but she did respond to a text message I sent asking her how she was and wishing her well. Her response was short, just saying that everything is going fine. I really don't know what to do next because I don't want to be persistent to the point that I drive her away even further. Any ideas?