Drugs may have ruined my relationship

[Onion42]

From a previous post i made my girlfriend of over 6 years recently said she wanted to take a break for awhile. She has never been really aware that i had been taking pain killers for almost 3 years now.
I have had a off and on problem with my back that about 3 years ago became very painfull/serious and my DR. started giving me a pretty open ended script for opiate painkillers. At first it wasnt a problem until i had to leave my job because it was causing me to much pain to work there and thats when things got out of hand. Instead of taking them just for pain i started taking them recreationally. No job nothing to do painkillers are a great way to pass the time. The thing with opiates is they rewire your brain and they become the most important thing in your life. I was really wasnt treating her like the woman i really loved. And since we had been together so long we were in a comfortable day in and day out kinda pace and i started ignoring her and taking for granted they she was always there. About 6 months ago i realized that things were getting out of hand and my behavior was really affecting our relationship. So i told her what was going on. Thing is she is really naive about drugs. She doesnt understand what opiate addiction is really like or what its like to take any kind of drugs for that matter. When i told her she didnt take it very seriously and just said "just stop taking them". If it was only that easy. I tried to describe to her what its like but i dont think she really gets it. Anyways i stopped for awhile but it was like hell on earth. Insomnia, depression, cold sweats, goose bumps and it just didnt go away. Over a month after i quit i had the most crushing depression it was brutal. Then the withdrawal symptoms started affecting our relationship. I missed some things that were important to her and didnt want to be around anyone because i felt so bad. I hurt my back again and started using all over again. Then all the pain went away but i went back to the opiates being the most important thing in life. On our 6 year anniversery she was out of town and i was so high i didnt even bother to call her. When i take the pills i just domt care about anything. The past few weeks i could tell something was wrong. She was acting pretty strange and i was so buzzed up i never did anything about it. Anyways she drops the "i need a break" thing on me because she doesnt feel like i love her i never show it and shes still angry about the events i missed because i was either to messed up on pills or having to bad withdrawls to be apart of them. The kicker is she doesnt really understand why i was so messed up. I was kinda damned if i took them because then i would feel fine but my attention was on the opiates and damned if i didnt because then i would be in my own personal hell. So she really isnt aware that i started using again and that the effects of the withdrawl and the opiates were casuing my lousy behavior towards her. I feel if i tell her she still wont understand that when i take the pills im not myself i become somebody else. By the time i get cleaned up she could be out of my life forever.

[lesa]

Oh my sorry to hear about your situation. Do you still use drugs? How do you get them? Some physician will not prescribe a narcotic for too long. I am guessing that you 'doctor shop' or get them illegally?

[Dasein]

Hi Onion,

I know you are on love forum for your problem with your girlfriend but I think you should visit here for some support to kick your addiction

[url]http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction/wwwboard.html[/url]

I understand the pain killer thing. After I was in a pretty serious car accident the doctor put me on strong pain killers and it was difficult to stop them..not just because of pain but because your body gets used to it.

Look up the Thomas recipe as well to get yourself over the withdrawal.

[ecojeanne]

oh onion, you need to check in to a clinic asap. i've read about addiction of pain killers and how it can progress quite easily. it's generally a huge problem and i am sympathetic. however i can also understand your gf needing to get away from this. you're not in control of this; you need to see someone before you kill yourself. i'm sure there are plenty of places you can check into. you need to want this obviously. in the end there is no way out unless you make the decision. thats all i can say.

[vashti]

I believe you owe it to your partners to bring your "best self" to a relationship. Someone hooked on drugs isn't doing that. You will need to suck it up and suffer through the discomfort of withdrawal if you want to be an appropriate partner, and if you aren't willing to do that, she SHOULD leave you.

Sorry to be harsh, and I really do wish you the best.

[misombra]

you're going to need help. like, rehab help.

i'd like to know more about your girlfriend. what kinds of affects is this having on her?

anyway yeah, time to see a different Dr. a psychiatrist. you're addicted and you're probably not going to be able to get off them yourself. though it sounds like you want to get off of those pills.

[Onion42]

Thanks for the replies. And yes i want to get off them. Trust me i have tried many times. The problem is i cant regulate myself. When i told my girlfriend about it i asked her for help but i dont think she gets how serious it can be. She knew about it and almost never brought it up. I told her to take them from me and she could regulate them but its almost like she took no interest in helping me. In her mind its like you stop taking them and your fine. She a really sweet girl, very innocent and i dont think things like this register with her.
As for the way its affecting her its mainly about my behavior. When i take the pills my sense of time gets really distorted. A whole day can feel like a few hours. A whole day would go bye and i wouldnt call her. She would want to hang out or do something and i just wouldnt be interested. I never would plan anything for us to do. We would spend time together and i would just be spaced out. To her it was that i didnt love her or want to be with her. My perception of time and reality just gets so distorted. There was a period not to long ago were she was busy with work and social events and we didnt really see each other for about 3 weeks and for me that time felt like 3 days. So i be like whats the big deal we havent seen each other in a couple days when in fact it had been weeks! The withdrawl periods were the worst thou. She would want me to go places with her and i just couldnt because i was so sick or worse i would get these panic attacks and i just couldnt go and that really upset her. I was sending her this message that i didnt love or want to be with her and thats not the case. I just cant get a handle on reality and behave like a normal person. And now i dont even have her anymore we havent spoken in 3 days.

[Dasein]

Onion you can't expect your girlfriend to understand what you are going through unless:

-She has experienced it herself

-You have explained it in detail

Expecting her to be the keeper of your pills is also not very fair to her. I mean it is your addiction and you should address that. She can give encouragement but sobriety is an internal battle you will have to face on your own.

It is not wise for anyone to enter a relationship whilst they have a substance addiction. I believe this is what most rehabs suggest. As Vash said you need to bring your best self to a relationship. You can't do that while you are using.

I seriously encourage you to go to the Med help addiction boards. There are people on there like yourself that are struggling to overcome addiction.

Can I ask you how much you are using a day and what medication it is?

[ecojeanne]

onion i still think you need to go somewhere but there is a herb you can take to help with withdrawal called 'skullcap'

Skullcap has excellent detoxification properties. It will even temper or prevent delirium tremens associated with withdrawal. It relaxes nervous tension, induces inner calm and counteracts sleeplessness

[Onion42]

I tried to explain it to her the day we were talking about taking a break. And either she didnt understand or didnt care. The fact that i dont have the 1 person i trust and talk to the most is making this brutal. Trying to break the habit is hard enuff, trying to break it solo with zero support is even worse.
I was taking hydrocodone which is generic for Vicodin, Lortab, etc... and taking 30mg to 40mg twice a day for about a year now. Prior to that i was taking smaller doses but tolerance is a bitch.

[vashti]

That's a pretty substantial amount. You must be really constipated.

I don't think you should expect her to understand. This is a problem that the majority of people in the world cannot relate to on an emotional level. You need a person with some experience to be your source of support, IMO. Have you tried Narcotics Anonymous?

[Gigabitch]

Onion, losing your girlfriend is the least of your problems. If you weren't all doped up, you'd see that.

Your life is in danger, man. You want to die of liver failure? Sounds pretty awful to me. Fix this shit. it's an emergency. You can try to get your girlfriend back later.

[lesa]

What else does the drug include..aspirin, acetaminophen? With that dose you are going to quickly destroy your liver and hearing. You won't know until it's too late and the damage is done because the liver can work well even after probably 50% damaged. How can a physician prescribe this drug and how can a pharmacist dispense it?

It sounds like the drug is bad taking it and on withdrawal. Try going through withdrawal for a few days. If you are serious about change you will choose the withdrawal. The symptoms of withdrawal are still better than what you are doing to your body right now. Stop getting the drug and throw away the ones you have. Dude you are killing yourself. If you have the strength to take such a dosage then you have the strength to withstand the withdrawal periods.

I have faith in you. You can do it. It's not like you are on crack cocaine.

[ecojeanne]

What else does the drug include..aspirin, acetaminophen? With that dose you are going to quickly destroy your liver and hearing. You won't know until it's too late and the damage is done because the liver can work well even after probably 50% damaged. How can a physician prescribe this drug and how can a pharmacist dispense it?

It sounds like the drug is bad taking it and on withdrawal. Try going through withdrawal for a few days. If you are serious about change you will choose the withdrawal. The symptoms of withdrawal are still better than what you are doing to your body right now. Stop getting the drug and throw away the ones you have. Dude you are killing yourself. If you have the strength to take such a dosage then you have the strength to withstand the withdrawal periods.

I have faith in you. You can do it. It's not like you are on crack cocaine.

actually lesa, i read from users accounts that heroine is easier to wean off than painkillers and anti-depressants, the withdrawal phase is a lot longer than heroine/crack/cocaine. i agree with lesa onion, go back and try again and this time use the herb skullcap to help with the withdrawal

you still need to see a doctor, coz as far as i know you shouldn't go completely cold turkey as it can be fatal. check with an authority first

also i know you're thinking in the back of your mind that if you tell an authority and the withdrawal fails that because you have told them; that your supply will be gone- not true and they are 100% there to help you

[Indignant]

I dated a guy who was/is addicted to opiates, Vicodine/Norco/SSRIs/benzodiazepines/pot, you name he's done it. I would never date a guy who's done or does drugs, however he tried to hide it from me for the longest time. He decided to quit cold turkey. One day hates me, one day he loves me. It's really stressful for me but I am trying to be there for him as long as I can.