Awkward Situations w/ Ex and Unrequited Love

[Skyfish]

This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me. I'm afraid this is going to be a "too long, didn't read" post.

In June, the guy I was dating for about 5 weeks broke-up with me (I know I mentioned this elsewhere on the forum). To be honest, I was finally getting over him, although we were keeping in touch as friends via email. Well, this happened:

I lost my cell phone on Thursday at the Landmark Theater. I was with my coworkers watching Milk.

I sent out a mass email to my closest friends (including my ex), asking for their cell phone numbers. My ex emailed me back, and asked what happened to the phone. I told him about Landmark, and said I had called the theater asking if anyone had recovered it. They said they'd call me back. He replied saying that they'll definitely find it, and later suggested that we should grab some coffee and catch up since the Landmark is not far from his apartment.

Towards the end of the weekday (Friday), sure enough, the theater called and said they had my phone. I told my ex, and added I wouldn't be getting off work until 7PM.

Once I got the phone, I called him up. It was so awkward. We had this hesitant conversation about banal stuff. He made no mention about meeting, so I decided to head back to my car. As I was driving, he asked if: "So... You don't want to meet?"

I did want to see him again, which is the stupidest thing I could want. I made a u-turn, re-parked my car, and waited for him in Barnes & Noble. He found me right after the earthquake (An omen? A message from God Almighty saying: THIS IS BAD!). I didn't know what the boundaries were, so I didn't hug him. For a second, he just stood there, and then opened his arms. And yes, I hugged him, but he hugged me much tighter than I expected. It was kind of sad, but it also felt nice.

We hung-out at the Lounge and talked for about two hours. It's weird. On the phone, we don't know what to talk about, but in person, it's significantly easier. He started to get hungry, which made him realize I didn't have dinner yet either. We walked back to his apartment, he got his wallet, and then we walked down to a Japanese BBQ restaurant. He paid.

We talked about our families, mutual friends, and other inconsequential things. Then we talked about our plans for the holidays. He asked if I was doing anything for New Years, and I said I would be with family. I don't know if I was projecting my own emotions or what I wanted to see, but he suddenly looked very sad and lonely. There were also several instances where he looked uncomfortable whenever I mentioned something that signified our age difference (movies I saw, and how old I was when I saw them).

We went for a walk down the block, then he dropped me off at my car. I drove him back to his apartment. When my car was in neutral, I said goodbye. Again, he sat there a moment before opening his arm to hug me. I hugged him back, and he clung on for a while. And then he kissed me behind the ear. Before I could think straight, I returned the gesture (f*ck!). We said goodbye again, and I asked him to take care of himself, then I drove off.

On Saturday, my friend emailed me to inform me about my former coworker's holiday party. His parties are huge and amazing, and I knew that I'd get to see all my coworkers from my last job, so going was a must. However, my former coworker is friends with two people who are friends with my ex. That's how I met my ex at the last party on April 24th. I had a vague feeling he might be there, even though my coworker knew what happened.

Sure enough, after I met my friend we walked down to the patio, and my ex was the first person I saw, standing several yards away. The most bizarre thing is that he was already looking in my direction when I came out of the house.

Awkward. I didn't hug him until he opened his arms. We talked for a minute or two. He mentioned last night and how weird it was. He was expecting coffee, but somehow it turned into dinner, and he didn't know what the hell we were doing. He asked if I felt the same way. I replied I did, but I also had a lot of fun, which was good. I then said goodbye to talk to my friends and former coworkers.

I admit that throughout the night, I was stealing glances to see where he was. Several times, I caught him looking at me, and I had to look away really quickly. What is this? Middle school?

As the night wound down and 1AM approached, I sat down with my ex's friend and started to chat. My ex saw us and took a seat. We chatted, then I moved over to sit on the arm of my ex's chair. His friends signaled that they were leaving. He stuck around with me for a while, and we didn't really talk. But he would do little affectionate things like nudging my foot or wrapping his arm around my waist. He said he wanted to share The Wire with me on Sunday. I said, sure (what is wrong with me?!?!).

Finally, Sunday was even weirder. So I guess he just wants to be friends? My ex and I watched a few things on TV, went out to grab some junk food, watched some more TV. While we were watching TV, he nuzzled my arm, but didn't do anything else. We hugged, and then I left.

ARGH... I can't stand this. What the hell? What's going on in that head of his? When we broke up, he said that he wanted to be friends. I told him that wasn't what I wanted, and that was that. After two months of feeling like crap, he friends me on Facebook. I didn't want to look like a bitch, so I friended him back. We email one another on and off, then the above happened.

I'm being a fool and walking straight into this mess because I miss him terribly. I know he wants nothing beyond being my friend. We even talked about it again. But why the mixed signals? Do we have to talk about physical boundaries? This is so awkward. I'm holding onto the hope that he might give me a second chance, and it's dumb.

[Cbrider]

What specifically did he say as far as just being friends? You haven't mentioned anything about any other women or him doing things with the opposite sex, it sounds like a guy who is lonely and misses you a lot.

[lovesjoyajm]

Awww. That sounds like a tough situation. It's obvious you're not over him yet, and being around him is simply going to prolong the time it takes you to stop missing him and move on.

I think you should tell him, as nicely and with as little drama as possible, that you hope he understands, but if he's not interested in a relationship with you, you'd rather not stay in contact. And don't think of him, or friendship with him, as a "reward" that you can look forward to once you ARE over him - it's counterproductive. Just try to be firm with yourself that he is out of the picture - it's really hard at first, but it will help you in the long run.

[Skyfish]

He said that he couldn't see us becoming a couple because of our age difference, and that he wouldn't feel good about being my first. But because we like similar things, he wants to stay friends and hang-out.

I don't know if he's seeing other women or not, but at the party one of his friends (a woman who's in a relationship with another one of his friends), came up to me and said: "So [____] told us he went out with you last night. That's so wonderful! It's great!"

So I'm thinking: Wha...?

It seemed like she didn't know we broke up. Or she knew that we broke up and now thinks we're together again?

I don't think there is another woman (currently). Recently, a friend of his (also a woman) moved away. From what I understood there was no romantic relationship there (because he used to talk about her when we were actually dating), but he continues to mention her a lot. So I don't know what's the truth.

I guess some backstory on him might help? Two years ago, he was engaged. His fiancee wanted children immediately, whereas he didn't. They couldn't resolve their different wishes, so he called off the wedding. Every now and then, he mentions his engagement if I say something that somehow connects with two years ago (like a movie that came out that year).

[Cbrider]

Sounds like hes a little confused inside. At least he stood up for himself with his fiancè.

I really don't get the feeling this guy is trying to be a tease or careless, he seems confused, I don't know if I buy the age thing, I think theres more to it.

[Skyfish]

Well, there's also the fact I'm a virgin. I told him after the fifth date, and it spooked him. It basically caused the break-up.

[IndiReloaded]

He wants to have sex with you. Sorry, but there it is.

He's testing your boundaries. And playing some mindgames.

What's the age difference?

[Skyfish]

Really??? After I told him I was a virgin, I also said I wanted to have sex with him. To prove it, I offered him a BJ (my first), and he accepted. After that, he broke up with me saying he didn't want to go any further. We have a 12 year age difference.

He was extremely restrained on Sunday. He hardly touched me.

If you're right, I have a lot to look forward to. Please, please, please be right.

[IndiReloaded]

He's making physical contact w/you, but slowly. Like a rider approaching a nervous filly.

Why are you so keen to give it up to him, tho? He doesn't seem to be offering you anything else. Also, you are ignoring our question about your ages. Why? Embarrassed?

[Skyfish]

I'm 23 and he's 35. I'm not embarrassed about that, I guess I just read your question about the age difference literally.

He, on the other hand, seems to be embarrassed about our age differences.

Why him? To be honest, I wasn't ready before we broke up. I told him outright that if I had sex with him, it would because he earned it and not because (in his words) "he's corrupting me."

Once he was gone, I felt like I missed out on something special with a guy I really enjoy spending time with. I've been horny for months. When we started seeing each other last Friday, the horniness spiked to unbearable measures. I can't deal with it anymore. It's driving me insane.

[IndiReloaded]

Really, how exactly has he 'earned it'?

Have sex b/c YOU want to & are ready. Not to please someone else.

If you do decide to sleep with this guy, just make sure you are using a condom & birth control. This relationship won't last, and it will be solely an experience for you.

You should be aware, tho, that most young women in hindsight regret their choice of their first lover. Just wait to see the responses you'll get about this. I'm not one of those, so I can't comment, but it does seem to be common.

My advice would be to think with your head, not your hormones. Wait, think about what other's will tell you. Don't let this guy pressure you (which he is, just indirectly so its more subtle).

[Skyfish]

Yeah. That's the problem. I can see this isn't going to last either, but my common sense is fighting with my emotions, my estrogen, and my self-esteem.

I guess I should talk about myself a little more. I kind of understand I'm doing something stupid. After my ex broke-up with me, two of my best friends (whom I lived with for 4 years; they're husband and wife) moved to another state. After they left, I found out I wasn't getting the job promotion I was originally promised. Then I went out with another guy, and later found out he was dating someone else at the same time. That didn't last long. Later, my roommate moved away to be with his boyfriend across the country, and my other best friend recently got engaged and moved to another county. I got into a car accident, and I recently had to give my family a big loan because of a financial crisis. It will take me a year to recover that money.

So yeah. I know I'm terribly unstable. I'm looking for a life preserver aren't I? He's probably going to sink me further in the long run. =(

Thanks for smacking me in the face. I needed that. The problem is, what now? I said I'd come see him again this weekend.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, you've been going through some rough stuff.

Consider the possibility that this older guy is taking advantage of your vulnerability right now.

If I were you, I wouldn't go see him. Chances are, given the age difference b/t you (and yes, it does make a difference), you are just going to end up used.

You've already been intimate. He might have been temporarily shocked at your virginity, but what do you think would have happened if you weren't a virgin? He would have slept with you & left you already. You know this.

I would focus on going out with friends. Socializing with guys closer to your own age & stage in life. Not necessarily sleeping with THEM either. When the right person comes along, you will know & be ready. This guy is NOT the one. All he will do is add you to his list of belt notches, and a virgin at that. For some guys, that is a feather in their cap.

See him for what he is. Question his motives. You'll know what to do then.

Lots of girls regret giving their virginity up too soon. I don't know ANY who waited and regretted it.

[Skyfish]

Wow. Thank you. You stopped me from making a fool of myself.

I'm going to give him some benefit of the doubt, but I can say that my libido went cold.

I know this isn't going to go anywhere, but does this situation necessarily make him a bad guy? Girls have a lot at stake when it comes to these things, but I get the feeling that being too suspicious can shoot you in the foot too.

I'm going to assume he's lonely and confused. Before we started seeing each other again, we talked, and he told me this fantasy about moving to Boston and rekindling a relationship with a girl he had a relationship a year ago. He seems to have commitment issues? He also confided that he has a tendency to get into serious relationships right when the girl is about to leave, and then he continues the serious relationship long distance until it fizzles out. This is a pattern he's had since he ended his engagement. He's also on medication for insomnia, which began (once again) after he ended his engagement.

Oh, crap. I think he needs to see a therapist because I'm gonna be next if I don't talk to him frankly about both of our issues.

[carl1222]

Yes, you've been going through some rough stuff.

Consider the possibility that this older guy is taking advantage of your vulnerability right now.

If I were you, I wouldn't go see him. Chances are, given the age difference b/t you (and yes, it does make a difference), you are just going to end up used.

You've already been intimate. He might have been temporarily shocked at your virginity, but what do you think would have happened if you weren't a virgin? He would have slept with you & left you already. You know this.

I would focus on going out with friends. Socializing with guys closer to your own age & stage in life. Not necessarily sleeping with THEM either. When the right person comes along, you will know & be ready. This guy is NOT the one. All he will do is add you to his list of belt notches, and a virgin at that. For some guys, that is a feather in their cap.

See him for what he is. Question his motives. You'll know what to do then.
Lots of girls regret giving their virginity up too soon. I don't know ANY who waited and regretted it.

You have all the pieces, you just need to put them into place, believe in them, then act upon them.

Good luck,

Carl.