problem with gf and porn

[vashti]

The problem started off being hers, then she introduced it into the relationship and now it's his problem as much as hers, whether he likes it or not. If it's affecting the relationship, it's something they need to work on together.

Her insecurity is HER problem. His problem is whether or not he wants to tolerate her.

[Aeradalia]

Looking at porn is a trait that most women would find unaceptable in their partner.

If you're attracted to women you meet in daily life just be discreet about it as long as you're not ogling them in public it shouldn't be a problem.

Apparently I'm not 'most' women... I don't care if he looks at porn... just as long as I can walk in and he won't be ashamed about it and that he might even include me in viewing it.

I don't mind if he ogles other women... gives me an excuse to ogle right alongside him. Then we can laugh about it or become aroused later... either way, we will enjoy the fact that both of us will be looking at other people.

These are truly minor issues that can be reduced to their true size or used to improve the relationship in some way... The last thing you should expect is for a man to act more like 'most' women.

[starbuck]

Looking at porn is a trait that most women would find unaceptable in their partner. Not just because how it makes your gf feel about herself but what about how porn affects the way men view women in general.

You could say the same thing about television. In terms of unrealistic body types and women being objectified.

Should he not watch TV, too?

[Junket]

You could say the same thing about television. In terms of unrealistic body types and women being objectified.

Should he not watch TV, too?

You wanna take it there, one could say women shouldn't watch TV because of how it misconstrues realistic (and healthy) woman behavior.

[sarah_rsl]

I was starting to respond to to starbucks question on the effects of porn on society when I realised this thread has a bigger issue.

Pinkfloyds girlfriend doesn't want him watching porn, that's taken as evidence of her being insecure!! How about its evidence that she has some self respect.

I don't know any woman that would tolerate her SO watching porn. I don't particularly have a problem with porn but I think its become too mainstream, Its popular to regard it now as some harmless entertainment performed by wonderfully liberated women where as the reality is a bit more sordid. Its sex for money and it devalues the act. I'm not going to judge some guy that needs it to fill a gap in his life, but for someone to turn around and tell the woman he loves in a petulant way that he still wants to watch it… Well I'm kind of lost for words.

As for the other issue about him being attracted to other women, Sure when you're in a relationship its natural but for him to vocalise it to his gf in such a petulant and crass way, well... again I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

People aren't horny little animals we have self control and empathy for other people. Our actions affect the people we love and you need to moderate them accordingly.

When I read through some of these posts I just get this sense of unreality. I enjoy the internet and the way it allows uninhibited expression, but some of what I've been reading doesn't strike me as coming from real people with real experiences, they seem to be more the product of some personae people are putting on.

[Gigabitch]

No, I seriously wouldn't give a shit if my husband watched porn. it's emotional attachments to things that bother me, and porn is the very definition of visual stimulation without emotional attachment. I'd watch it with him until it bored me and then start complaining that porn is boring and wondering loudly why nobody makes better porn.

[IndiReloaded]

No, I seriously wouldn't give a shit if my husband watched porn. it's emotional attachments to things that bother me, and porn is the very definition of visual stimulation without emotional attachment. I'd watch it with him until it bored me and then start complaining that porn is boring and wondering loudly why nobody makes better porn.

Ditto. In fact he has, and I have. Most porn is actually quite boring or hilariously over the top.

[Gigabitch]

By the way, if anyone has EVER seen any porn that's actually good, please let me know.

Okay, let me amend that: if any WOMEN have ever seen any good porn. Guys just like to see writhing body parts. Yawn.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you should have a look at those Japanese woodblock prints I mentioned. I've seen an actual antique book (with the rice paper in between the pages to protect the colours)--beautiful in an odd sort of way--but I'm sure there must be photos on the web.

The men are, uh, rather WISHFUL in their size, if you know what I mean. We had a good laugh over that.

[Junket]

People aren't horny little animals

HAHAHAHAHA!

You are so naive.

[starbuck]

When I read through some of these posts I just get this sense of unreality. I enjoy the internet and the way it allows uninhibited expression, but some of what I've been reading doesn't strike me as coming from real people with real experiences, they seem to be more the product of some personae people are putting on.

Sarah, this is not *unreality*. It's just not YOUR reality. Believe it or not, there are women out there who don't mind our bfs watching porn.

I've had boyfriends that I watch porn with. I've even bought porn for men before. Porn is just not that big of a deal to me, unless it becomes an addiction, like gambling or alcholism.

If the OP has a genuine problem with it, that's for her and her SO to work out. But don't call the rest of us liars just because we don't have a problem with it.

[Aeradalia]

I was starting to respond to to starbucks question on the effects of porn on society when I realised this thread has a bigger issue.

Pinkfloyds girlfriend doesn't want him watching porn, that's taken as evidence of her being insecure!! How about its evidence that she has some self respect.

Self respect? How does she gain self respect from demanding another person change their instincts and desires for her? Self respect usually involves things far more noble... like walking away from an abusive relationship... not making demands of their SO.

I don't know any woman that would tolerate her SO watching porn. I don't particularly have a problem with porn but I think its become too mainstream, Its popular to regard it now as some harmless entertainment performed by wonderfully liberated women where as the reality is a bit more sordid. Its sex for money and it devalues the act. I'm not going to judge some guy that needs it to fill a gap in his life, but for someone to turn around and tell the woman he loves in a petulant way that he still wants to watch it… Well I'm kind of lost for words.

Then you don't know a whole lot of women... not only would I tolerate porn, but I would encourage it.

How does it devalue an act that is intended by nature for procreation? We use sex to express emotions, relieve stress, convey love, and so many other things than its intended purpose. Perhaps it's not the act that is being devalued but the romantic notions that people have towards sex.

As for the other issue about him being attracted to other women, Sure when you're in a relationship its natural but for him to vocalise it to his gf in such a petulant and crass way, well... again I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

What kind of relationship would you like to be in? Men are sexual... plain and simple. You can ask them to be nice about it... use euphemisms if that's what you desire... but when it's all said and done... their thoughts will still linger to the sexual, explicit, and occasionally about someone other than their SO. It makes more sense to embrace their sexuality with understanding so that stress in the relationship is reduced... rather than increased. I wouldn't want to be with someone that demands I be something I'm not.

People aren't horny little animals we have self control and empathy for other people. Our actions affect the people we love and you need to moderate them accordingly.

People are horny little animals (sometimes) and that's the reason for the self control. Moderation is fine, but where do you draw the line? How much moderation is needed before you are controlling and manipulating the other person?

When I read through some of these posts I just get this sense of unreality. I enjoy the internet and the way it allows uninhibited expression, but some of what I've been reading doesn't strike me as coming from real people with real experiences, they seem to be more the product of some personae people are putting on.

Can't speak for the others... but these are my views and I have put them to practice. I feel you have been severly limited in being exposed to a wide range of views about sexuality. There's more than just 'traditional' views out there... and yes, there are even people who practice more than just traditional methods.

[Lite]

I don't know any woman that would tolerate her SO watching porn.

When I read through some of these posts I just get this sense of unreality. I enjoy the internet and the way it allows uninhibited expression, but some of what I've been reading doesn't strike me as coming from real people with real experiences, they seem to be more the product of some personae people are putting on.

No, what you're doing is believing that your morals and belief structure applies to all people and all women.

Here's an example for you. My wife owns more porn than I do. Now, how is watching porn any different than reading your average bodice-ripper at the beach? Not coming from real people with real experiences? My ex-wife HATED porn and had huge hang-ups about it because her father collected porn as a hobby. He left it lying about the house, took photos of her mother pissing on the hood of a car... I can understand why she went the way of the prude after meeting him.

But, you know... Some people are OK with their sexuality. Rather than get angry, why don't people ask why they look at porn in a manner that is curious instead of confrontational? Seek to understand what it is their partner gets out of the material?

No, instead we get told we're being unrealistic and that we haven't had real life experience? This is hilarious.

[IndiReloaded]

Meh, just read her other thread. Sarah is like the person who lived a life of 'evil sin' and then found God & thinks everyone else should join her.

What we have here folks, is a sexual hypocrite. Aka the Born-again Prude.

[Anonymous Girl]

I am pinkfloyd80's gf.

He told me about posting this on here and I've been reading what everyone's been saying. I told him that I feel like some of you are against me and even against him. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion but that's exactly where our problem lies: I don't like it and he does. Just knowing that there are people out there that feel the way he does or the way I do, isn't going to solve our problem... we already know that we don't agree with each other. I do appreciate any kind suggestions that people have made though...

I didn't use to have a problem with porn. I thought if you're single, go ahead and watch it... as far as watching it while you're in a relationship, well I didn't think about that much until I was in one. I knew that my bf watched it from the start and I would even send him pics or vids, but then he’d say "I've seen that already" or "I can find better." I guess what I wanted him to say was "YOU are better" or "I don't need any of that when I have you." (I guess it was a silly way to test his love for me, but I would’ve said that to him.) I don’t even think the porn itself is what bothered me either… it was comments that he’d made about other girls or seeing things that he’d said to other girls when he was with me… (Which I don't feel even compared to me) it made me feel unappreciated. And so I thought that as long as he was watching it, he was going to get ideas or whatever. He also said that he has pics and vids of me and the main reason I allowed him to have those was to keep him from wanting to watch porn. When that didn’t work, it started to make me feel unappreciated and like I was wasting my beauty and time on someone that didn’t appreciate it anyway. I honestly don't believe that I'm insecure... I actually feel the opposite. How dare he look at other girls that don't even look as good as I do haha! I thought that he was insecure and looking at those girls 'cause he felt that I was too good for him. (He's said that before as well.) Anyway, the main reason why it bothers me is because I don't want to look at other guys because I feel like I'm not appreciating my bf... and why look at them anyway when I have the real thing? I feel offended that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Whenever I'd fantasize about people it was because I was single and wanted something real... I guess I'm more excited about real life than a fantasy. And that’s where I feel like I can’t satisfy him… if he still needs to fantasize than does that mean I’m not a fantasy-turned reality to him? (I’m his first gf and he’s my first bf btw.) So I guess I thought that once he had the real thing he’d want to ditch the silly, unfulfilling porn and enjoy being with me like I was with him.

He also broke his promise to me to stop and that also started a trust issue. I feel that if I can’t trust him to stop watching stuff, than how can I trust him to not do stuff with other people? He tells me he’d never cheat but I feel that what he’s doing is already a form of that and because he betrayed my trust, I can’t believe him… I wouldn’t expect him to trust me either if I did the same thing and I’d work on regaining his trust.

However, I do love him very much and want to get through this with him but I don’t want to feel like I’m holding on to something that’s not going to get better. I don’t want to control him either or want him to change for me. I just want him to realize that this is hurting our relationship and my trust for him. Him liking porn or wanting to watch it isn’t who he is… so how is wanting him to not like it trying to change him? He’s going to like something whether I want him to or not but that’s not a part of him… people change all the time and things that you like aren’t who you are. I even told him that stopping for me wasn’t enough… I wanted him to WANT to stop for himself or not want to look at other girls. But he still wants to… and I can’t control that… nor do I want to. What I do want is for him to feel about me the way I do about him naturally and because it’s what he wants… but he doesn’t. I know I can’t control that but I also feel that it’s not fair and that I want him more than he wants me. I just want to feel that I’m getting as much love as I’m giving… but I guess that’s too much to ask.